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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 15:01:28 GMT
Ok I will disconnect, I’m very empathetic I always told him it’s not his fault he’s a good person ect ect, what your hearing is frustration not lack of empathy. I recognize that I can’t change a person what I was trying to do was to influence but alas it’s not working, i Was always empathetic sometimes he said he thinks I pity him. I went about it the way I thought best but I’m no therapist I told him that. I even told him I can accept he’s not wordy and leave the texting to me, he was an expert at shutting me down nothing I did made him comfortable not even my distance, I’m going to move on, thanks for all your responses I appreciate them.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2019 15:19:50 GMT
How can a person be so unaware and in so much denial, so much pain that they cannot see themselves at fault for anything, can you not see that you are the common denominator? You must know that it’s fear that makes you react in such a way He's probably lived most of his 38 years that way, and it would take a long time to undo. The way you're describing it just isn't true for an insecurely attached person who has never known any other ways of being. I've written other posts about dissociation from the self, potentially because the child was rejected by caretakers and created a "false self" to cope (ie I'm trying to people please and create a more acceptable projected version of myself, but that also means it won't hurt as much if I'm rejected because no one knows the REAL me anymore so I'M not actually being rejected), and that can end up totally disconnecting you from your authentic thoughts and feelings and body. That's an example of a reason you can't assume the person is aware of what's going on, and why you can't push them to see it. Did you ever read Don Quixote or see a version of it in pop culture? (Movies, musicals, other adaptations.) In some ways, it describes how delusions may help someone and the fallout that can occur when others try to break those delusions. It's not your job to be his knight, even if you feel bad for him and want to help. If you are ever in a situation like this again with someone similar and you care about them, all you can do is accept them as is, be their friend who doesn't talk about this stuff unsolicited if as is with no changes works for you to have this person in your life, or don't and wish them well.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 16:44:04 GMT
Thanks, I’m disconnecting because I can’t live like that, I will read up on the false self, we had argued about spending time and closeness for 9 months, it will not get any better. I just can’t, thanks for helping me to understand. I would still show him if I had to do it over, he has to know.
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Post by mrob on Jul 10, 2019 18:03:06 GMT
...and there’s the engulfment I fear most. Someone who is so adamant that I must change, and do what she wants that she is prepared to crush my being to impose her will to do so. lisasb, you’ve planted your seed. When he’s ready, he may look at this, or he may never. It’s his life, he has the sovereignty to spend it as blind or as aware as he likes.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 19:43:10 GMT
I understand where your coming from with that however everyone has the right to be peaceful in life I’m sure he sees the pain and suffering of his past victims. Stop trying to connect with people when you are not well, I know others that have been affected by him. It’s devastating for me, he gave me false hopes..he does not own anyone and I sympathize with him. That’s like someone having hiv and passing it along saying nothing is wrong with me it’s you!!! What I’m saying guys is heal and then connect if not stay by yourself!!! I will let you all know if he makes any contact with me. And thanks again.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 10, 2019 20:18:20 GMT
I understand where your coming from with that however everyone has the right to be peaceful in life I’m sure he sees the pain and suffering of his past victims. Stop trying to connect with people when you are not well, I know others that have been affected by him. It’s devastating for me, he gave me false hopes..he does not own anyone and I sympathize with him. That’s like someone having hiv and passing it along saying nothing is wrong with me it’s you!!! What I’m saying guys is heal and then connect if not stay by yourself!!! I will let you all know if he makes any contact with me. And thanks again. lisasb - I see it differently with my FA. I think he truly wanted to make it work w me and had genuine feelings for me but the emotional intimacy just became too much and triggered all his fears and trauma. I don’t see him as taking advantage of me or trying to get one over- I believe he desires closeness, but then just feels engulfed by it and needs to retreat. He feels incapable. I think it’s important to see them as they are, if they are insecurely attached, as hurting people with pushed down wounds that get triggered and unfortunately hurt those closest to them. I’ve been hurt by this relationship more than any other, but I don’t blame him for my hurt. I’ve also learned more about myself from this relationship than any other- and if I ever get into another serious relationship I will be a better partner.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 21:57:07 GMT
I’m about 40 years old now I have done lots of self reflection before I met this guy. I neither want to control or be controlled, I depend on me for my own happiness, however I like being in a relationship but i can also tolerate being alone. I am as honest as you can find. I don’t believe he is bad either not his fault as I told him, I hope something works out for him but as another contributor pointed out it’s his life to live, but live it alone without hurting genuine people like me. Thanks again guys
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2019 22:30:50 GMT
Some years ago I was hit by a careless driver. I suffered serious injuries , and have some deficits now because of it. I was in my own lane; obeying all the rules of the road- no fault of mine whatsoever. The lady didn't see me, she was on her phone. I can rail about careless drivers. Won't do me any good.
Life. Goes. On.
Be thankful for what you have.
And, if you happen to repeat this, don't forget to take responsibility for your participation in it. You had choices from day one. Months ago, you had choices. Today you do too.
Unhealthy people don't have relationships in a vacuum. They do their thing with people who have poor boundaries. Dysfunctional ideas. Illusions. Don't believe me? That's ok. Life goes on.
Best of luck!
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 23:11:33 GMT
Thank you sherry I’m so sorry to hear about your accident, unfortunate things do happen to good people, today I had a guy 42 years old diagnosed with multiple myeloma 😔very sad at such a young age, it’s true that I had a choice to make and I chose to try this time ( I normally bail on these types of guys) but I convinced myself not to check out as quickly as I normally do, I chose to trust and believe my efforts would make a change make a difference( I try to always be nice to others) nothing wrong with being nice to your partner, boundaries were always in place with this man any misbehavior was met with a kind explanation as to why it’s not nice to do such and I saw him try!! The braking point was asking for time 1 day a week so i could have my time to do me. So my idea was to dedicate one day for him a week so we could connect talk ect then he would have his precious time alone that he seemed to crave and I would go entertain myself watch tv read beach girlfriends ect, this is no way near Unreasonable!!! But trauma tricked both of us it found away of shutting us down smh the more settled we became the more he pulled away, the less he tried, I’m extremely secure I trust my partner I don’t look into their phones Ect I give them respect and in return I expect respect and loyalty, he’s just not at that stage so best he blocked me and move on, but I would still chat with him if he was willing to try. Thanks again guys
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 23:25:22 GMT
Also I’m ashamed to say the angrier and more frustrated I got but that’s what happened, he hides all his emotions but I knew they were in there somewhere, the lack of communication was the biggest problem, tell me when your stressed and need time also when I need time be responsive, I ask him to meet somewhere in the middle Or whereabouts that is comfortable for both. I’m getting angry speaking about this silly situation, thanks guys over and out !!!
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