showed FA videos about attachment theory

You can't force someone to hear this before they're ready. If any of it rings true, their defense mechanisms are going to kick in and anger is not an uncommon response. Even if not, if you don't have a close, stable, trusting friendship/relationship, it's hard to share information like that without it sounding like an attack or like you're trying to change that person. How would you feel on the receiving end, especially when there's already tension with the person?

Plus, if he is FA, that inherently means he's got communication challenges and difficulty connecting to himself to figure out his feelings, so you can't expect him to respond in the way you would, or the way someone more secure would.

Dealing with FA for the first time (or second or third!) can certainly be challenging and leave you shaken, so I empathize with you and am sorry you went through that. But my question is why you spent so long walking on eggshells with someone you find toxic for you?

I wouldn't say most people are here because they've been hurt by an FA as much as they weren't aware of their own attachment issues, which led to them staying too long in a painful situation, and now are reflecting on themselves (and not focusing on the painful partner or ex partner) to work through their own issues. Which may involve understanding all the attachment styles, as it did for me, because it shed a lot of light on my past dysfunctional relationships -- but not because I was blameless, it just helped to understand the standard anxious-avoidant dance patterns that happen and why, on both ends.

Thank you guys! I feel so much better, my work in healthcare has made me too docile and really empathetic to sick peopl, I’m very patient, I think my timing was a bit off, I think he was already trying to replace me so it was my last ditch effort, but I’m not sorry u did it perhaps in the future it will prove to be some kind of assistance to him, I was always secure but this guy made me very frustrated because he would never be calm, but I realize now that no amount of love will change him. This is the most emotion I’ve ever got from him perhaps he will put it to good use. I have always reflect on myself I am not infallible and accept that I am an awesome individual with flaws, thank you guys so so much because you have given me the understanding that I was seeking.

We can't predict that. But if he comes back without doing a lot of time-consuming healing work, you're back at square one.

No one likes unsolicited advice, especially if it's about a very sensitive and personal matter. That and if someone has an attachment trauma and you don't just confirm to them that there's something wrong with them.

Showing a person who was abused in childhood a page in wikipedia about abuse won't heal their trauma. I think video like that will help you, to understand the mechanics of the other person but will do little for your PERSONAL trauma, especially if one wants to get away from it.
I know many avoidnats that are very smart people, who read a lot of philosophy, psychology, they strive for self improvment - they have all that knowladge but stay passive about their traumas becasue it's just not easy at all.

Maybe sending repeatedly unsolicited advice on how to change on a very sensible topic may have been too much for him?

I know you did it trying to help but that type of help is adviced when someone is truly confused and curious about what is happening to them. When there is an active dialogue about it and not a onesided conversation. I don't really know the context of all of it though. I would feel very uncomfortable and psychoanalized though. Maybe judged or pressured to change.

I agree guys I felt him retreat and I was so desperate for him to understand that I cared, I tried to force him to face his fears but I think it was a bit too much for him. Should I try to reach out in a months time or should I wait till he returns if ever. How can a person be so unaware and in so much denial, so much pain that they cannot see themselves at fault for anything, can you not see that you are the common denominator? You must know that it’s fear that makes you react in such a way, I gave him his space never bothered him too much all I asked was for 1 day of the week and a little chit chat during the week, quite reasonable imo. He agreed to 50/50 but said he was not feeling interested in having sex at all. Sigh 😔 anyways thanks for your replies. I will try reaching out in a months time see how he feels perhaps he will do some reading now that he is aware of the possibility he’s a love avoidant.

lisasb - I’m not sure you’re getting your own posts. This likely won’t end well. The fact that he is a love avoidant, as you say, only underscores exactly why he WOULDN’T want any unsolicited articles or videos sent his way. You said yourself he’s the toughest you ever met- he’s in denial, pain. All the pain and self-defense mechanisms will make it more likely he’d feel offended or engulfed by your help and reject it. If and when he does want help, he knows how to reach you or research online. The more you push, the more he’ll pull. You need to back off, and I don’t think a month’s time will do any trick. He needs to come to this understanding and willingness to grow and change on his own. I have an FA/DA in my life who is very much aware of his issues yet he’s unwilling to face them. It’s hard, painful work and not everyone wants to change nor can be pressured into change. You really need to just let him go or accept him.