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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 4, 2019 0:24:16 GMT
Hello everyone! I hope today has been a good day.
I figured I would reach out. My ex FA messaged me today.
For context, we had been seeing each other for 2 years ( friends since high school). He called it off very abruptly when I found out I was pregnant ( we are both in our 40’s and I have always wanted children and can support that goal myself) asking me to terminate the pregnancy which I did. He did not discuss anything with me.Many times prior to this he and I discussed having a child, which he wanted to do. He admitted he wanted to see another woman who is 12 years younger and currently they are in a relationship and spending a lot of time together, most days of the week and are moving very fast from what I hear.
Today we had a brief message exchange. He says he is very happy enjoying this fresh relationship. He says he misses our interactions and misses me. He said he would like to meet sometime to discuss everything, “at some point” and that he never meant to hurt me. That I was such an incredible friend. ( I was very very good to him and also got him to my awesome therapist just weeks before this happened)
I am at a point where I would not even be able to really discuss anything. I needed him to discuss things with me about the pregnancy . I still can not comprehend that he moved on so fast, I am sure there was some overlap, but it was all just such a devastating situation. I am still very much actively grieving and confused, this happened June 22nd. Just wanted to hear your thoughts.
🖤
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Post by serenity on Aug 4, 2019 6:06:08 GMT
Hi Violets <3
I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can imagine all the feelings you've been going through after hearing from him.
I've been thinking about your situation lately and I'm not surprised he contacted you. I do think part of his motives would be genuine, as after two years you have most certainly built a genuine relationship. And you have put in the hard work (on your end) of establishing real trust over time. He's so very, very far from having won yours though, isn't he?
What I feel is you're in danger of being further hurt, by him using you to make the new girl jealous, and also using you to increase his `perceived value' in her eyes. There's even a word for this that the pro Pick up artists use, called `triangulation'. Its a game of `playing people off against one another', and its not for the benefit of your friendship, but rather his new relationship (and him mainly).
I have an inkling that this is how the new bar girl got her hooks into him also. And I'm not suggesting any of this was done maliciously or even consciously, but rather its a description of the dynamics. They work something like this: She works in a bar. There are drunk men around her hitting on her constantly, increasing her perceived value. Its somehow a trigger for your ex and now he wants to conquer her, move fast, win the prize. But...they have not yet established any genuine trusting relationship and..there are all these other available men as part of her daily interactions at work. And so now, he is looking for safety, in other women, with a grieving vulnerable ex being the obvious place to start.
So I would stay away, myself, at least for some months. The situation is potentially too hurtful, and counter to anything you may want for yourself. And you are still vulnerable.
If you can envisage a purpose for him in your life, when the grief has faded, then there would be no need to burn the bridge. But right now would not be ideal for any major interactions with him. This would be a great time to be looking for a good father for your future family.
For what its worth. IMHO. (Of course its your opinion that matters most and i'll support whatever you decide )
(PS i just sent you a PM, with a link to a blog by a relationship coach. I've found her approach to giving advice interesting... be curious what you think? )
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jules
Full Member
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Post by jules on Aug 4, 2019 11:24:23 GMT
In my opinion things are not all that great with her if hes reaching out to you. Particularly if that is what he is saying to you. Dating this young thing is entirely about his ego. I've dated much younger men (briefly, bc well, their immaturity irks my very soul) and I will be the first to admit that as a 42 year old female who can still attract someone 10, 15 years younger is a boost.
Things that move that quickly generally fizzle just as fast.
You need to do what you feel. And you don't have to decide today. Or tomorrow for that matter.
Keep talking about it.
Jules
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 4, 2019 12:26:45 GMT
If he actually FA its not going to work with her either, that is reality. It will not work with Anyone until he does the self work. Its only appearing to be working right now until she starts to trigger him. There also always that honeymoon phase then it gets real. Even Secures wont make it past a honeymoon phase when it gets real sometimes.
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Post by mrob on Aug 4, 2019 12:44:25 GMT
Even Secures wont make it past a honeymoon phase when it gets real sometimes. And this is worth remembering for all of us. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Aug 4, 2019 12:55:35 GMT
Even Secures wont make it past a honeymoon phase when it gets real sometimes. And this is worth remembering for all of us. I concur, struck me too. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2019 20:20:36 GMT
I'm going to be frank. I appreciate the following may sound harsh but it does come from a good place.
Please do yourself a favour and remove this douche from your life. Any guy who requests a woman to have an abortion and then leave her to jump into a new relationship is not worth a second thought. Especially with the fact that you have been together for two years. That's nasty and cruel. That's not a man!!!!
As the abortion is still fairly new, I'm guessing you are feeling quite low with low self esteem especially as he has now jumped into a relationship. So many unnecessary negative thoughts when you are already going through a hard time.
Of course, he is going to say you are a good friend. Trying to keep you sweet. You are more likely a back up plan when it doesn't work out with this new girl.
Please seek professional help in order to deal with the abortion and low self esteem.
You are worthy of love and deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect that you rightfully deserve.
Cut him out and start working on getting yourself back to being healthy and on to the road to recovery.
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 5, 2019 0:16:49 GMT
Even Secures wont make it past a honeymoon phase when it gets real sometimes. And this is worth remembering for all of us. Just keeping it real. haha.
Being a secure doesn't men a relationship will last. when that honeymoon phase is over and ones true colors show you may not really fit. Doesn't mean its bad or bad people we just don't fit with everyone, this is the realty of dating. And its ok, we are not supposed to fit with everyone we date. It takes time to vet and get to know who people really are.
To add, sometimes I think so many put too much into attachment when really you are just not a good fit. Not everything is about attachment, sometime we just dont fit together and its ok.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2019 12:53:15 GMT
And this is worth remembering for all of us. Just keeping it real. haha.
Being a secure doesn't men a relationship will last. when that honeymoon phase is over and ones true colors show you may not really fit. Doesn't mean its bad or bad people we just don't fit with everyone, this is the realty of dating. And its ok, we are not supposed to fit with everyone we date. It takes time to vet and get to know who people really are.
To add, sometimes I think so many put too much into attachment when really you are just not a good fit. Not everything is about attachment, sometime we just dont fit together and its ok.
I also believe that 2 aware insecures can work....or even an aware and an unaware....it just depends on the dynamic. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 13, 2019 1:03:19 GMT
I'm going to be frank. I appreciate the following may sound harsh but it does come from a good place. Please do yourself a favour and remove this douche from your life. Any guy who requests a woman to have an abortion and then leave her to jump into a new relationship is not worth a second thought. Especially with the fact that you have been together for two years. That's nasty and cruel. That's not a man!!!! As the abortion is still fairly new, I'm guessing you are feeling quite low with low self esteem especially as he has now jumped into a relationship. So many unnecessary negative thoughts when you are already going through a hard time. Of course, he is going to say you are a good friend. Trying to keep you sweet. You are more likely a back up plan when it doesn't work out with this new girl. Please seek professional help in order to deal with the abortion and low self esteem. You are worthy of love and deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect that you rightfully deserve. Cut him out and start working on getting yourself back to being healthy and on to the road to recovery. [ Thank you. Thank you so much. I took this advice. I absolutely let him have every piece of my mind and it was not pretty. I have every right to be angry at him. And he is and never was my friend. We both agreed to never contact each other ever again. I can’t have him in my life. Beyond what attachment issues we have, this man was absolutely terrible to me and there comes a point where you can only take so much and be so forgiving. I am very upset about the abortion and I deserved a fair conversation on the matter. I deserved support. We are not 20, we are 40 year old adults. That is not any sort of friend. Of course I am the hateful and cruel one now that I’ve said how I feel about him. This man is a master deflector. I know I have a long way to heal. I am still reeling from what I’ve done, again I know it’s for the best but it still breaks my heart to think that I could have finally been a mom. I would have been a good mom too. I deserved more than he gave me in all this. It’s so hard to wrap my head around that he has been giddy happy and has no remorse for stonewalling me. It’s just hard for me to grasp still. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 7:21:14 GMT
I'm going to be frank. I appreciate the following may sound harsh but it does come from a good place. Please do yourself a favour and remove this douche from your life. Any guy who requests a woman to have an abortion and then leave her to jump into a new relationship is not worth a second thought. Especially with the fact that you have been together for two years. That's nasty and cruel. That's not a man!!!! As the abortion is still fairly new, I'm guessing you are feeling quite low with low self esteem especially as he has now jumped into a relationship. So many unnecessary negative thoughts when you are already going through a hard time. Of course, he is going to say you are a good friend. Trying to keep you sweet. You are more likely a back up plan when it doesn't work out with this new girl. Please seek professional help in order to deal with the abortion and low self esteem. You are worthy of love and deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect that you rightfully deserve. Cut him out and start working on getting yourself back to being healthy and on to the road to recovery. [ Thank you. Thank you so much. I took this advice. I absolutely let him have every piece of my mind and it was not pretty. I have every right to be angry at him. And he is and never was my friend. We both agreed to never contact each other ever again. I can’t have him in my life. Beyond what attachment issues we have, this man was absolutely terrible to me and there comes a point where you can only take so much and be so forgiving. I am very upset about the abortion and I deserved a fair conversation on the matter. I deserved support. We are not 20, we are 40 year old adults. That is not any sort of friend. Of course I am the hateful and cruel one now that I’ve said how I feel about him. This man is a master deflector. I know I have a long way to heal. I am still reeling from what I’ve done, again I know it’s for the best but it still breaks my heart to think that I could have finally been a mom. I would have been a good mom too. I deserved more than he gave me in all this. It’s so hard to wrap my head around that he has been giddy happy and has no remorse for stonewalling me. It’s just hard for me to grasp still. Oh. I'm so pleased! This is fantastic news. I'm so glad my advice was taken in the way it was intended. You will get there. Now you have removed this toxic from your life. Start rebuilding your life on to a more positive start. Good luck! |
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Post by serenity on Aug 14, 2019 6:34:40 GMT
Hiya Violets! <3
((Hugs)) Oh wow, that was so brave of you and I'm happy for you, finally getting some relief from the pain of that connection. You did good, standing up for yourself, even though it was such a difficult thing for you to do. I've been emotionally trapped by men like that myself, and it really does take such a supreme amount of emotional effort to untangle from it. After a little space and time, the revulsion for the behavior I endured finally kicked in for me. I hope the same will happen for you too.
Do you feel any better, or still kinda shaky?
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 14, 2019 13:29:17 GMT
Good for you, kisstheviolets! Now the real healing can begin. I'm rooting for you!
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 20, 2019 20:59:17 GMT
I just wanted to check in and say hi and thank you for rooting for me! Last week he mailed me back some of my things, including gifts I had gotten him. Even little small things like a chapstick I left over there. It was really cruel. I messaged him but he has me blocked. Sent a quick message to his Pinterest which I apologized for saying mean things. It totally activated me it was so hurtful. He read it but didn’t respond and I just stopped there and regained my control. He has kept me on Facebook and I know I need to delete and block but I just can’t do it. I also can’t bring myself to mail his things back yet. But beside this slip up I am feeling soooooo much better. I’m smiling and laughing. I still am sad and still miss him and he occupies my thoughts a lot but I am gaining clarity. Slowly but surely. I didn’t even cry yesterday!  |
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Post by serenity on Aug 20, 2019 23:58:46 GMT
(Hugs). It takes me a little while to get to the `full block' stage too, because it adds to that distress of abandonment when you are already at your lowest point. I agree with your approach, of just giving yourself time before any of that.
So awful when you know you deserve a lot more compassion than you're getting, and a relationship you really cared about devolves because of spitefulness and their lack of accountability.
How is your anxiety feeling lately? good to hear you didn't cry yesterday .
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