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Post by abolish on Jul 13, 2017 16:52:25 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 13, 2017 17:35:23 GMT
youtu.be/ocWOsrCMEv0youtu.be/kp_ahyJFR6sNot sure if those work. Let me know. Im sorry you were triggered. I know its hard to climb out of that negative whole when Im triggered. Just try to feel your way back up. This person isn't your whole happiness and they really are living life the best way they know how. You do deserve to be acknowledged for how much you care it just may not come from him. He may be trying to fight that comfort feeling he has w you. Mine told me once..I care, of course I care but you dont have to be w someone just because you care about them.- i was like WTH..in my mind thats exactly what it means. The youtube links above helped me so much . Alan Robarge is pretty awesome. Its helping me see my part in it but in a deeper way than before. We are lucky, these experiences actually expand us, help us grow, become more insightful and have more capabilities to love ourselves deeply and to be even more present the next time we enter a relationship. For the DA, they just stay stagnant kind of frozen in their own void.
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Post by abolish on Jul 13, 2017 18:30:36 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 13, 2017 20:20:31 GMT
I totally get you. I never told him I wanted this huge serious relationship either. But thats where his mind and fears always went.
I think I get that saviour complex and I want to be the one to help him thaw out. I have been like that in all my relationships. I have to really work on myself before I am ready to be w someone again.
Nope he has not contacted me. I guess its really over now. It makes me so sad but not all the time. I feel like my heartbreak broke me open a lil more to remember who I am and to let better things in for me.
I hope he wants to reach out again soon but I think I understand how my wanting of him felt like a demand on him. He is who he is for a reason and so am I. I just want to lay the blame down and get back in touch w me. Which is hard. I realize what a negative inner dialogue i have about relationships and men over all so of course I keep attracting this into my life. Truthfully if he came back now I know I am not ready to be the person I want to be in a relationship so maybe its better.
You cant keep giving for the sake of wanting something in return cuz thats when it turns into resentment or disappointment when they do t respond the way we want. I went thru that alot w the ex before him too.
What do u think will help u feel better at this point?
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 13, 2017 20:29:56 GMT
I love Alan Robarge! Those videos are so helpful. However, after watching them, I find myself feeling a massive wave of guilt. It's hitting me pretty hard.
As the anxious person in my past relationship with a DA, I do recall being rigid and placing blame. I knew I wasn't perfect either, but I definitely focused more on my ex boyfriend's stuff. After watching the videos I found myself wondering if I had only just let things flow and stopped placing blame that we would still be together. Maybe had I had better abilities to self soothe then he would have wanted to stay around longer. But then again, it seems that DAs will leave when everything seems to be going well in the first place, so maybe it was lose-lose no matter what? I'm so lost and confused now about this.
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 13, 2017 20:36:55 GMT
Also, I like the thought that we can use these situations to grow and stop the toxic attachment patterns we all develop. I also mentioned to my ex that I thought he was "emotionally unavailable" (mind you this is before I knew the term DA) and he seemed open to it at first, but eventually didn't want to speak about it and rejected the idea. I believe he feels it is permanent for him and will never change. Or he is just most comfortable that way. So you're not alone in that you tried to tell them, but they just didn't want to hear it for whatever reason.
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Post by cricket on Jul 13, 2017 20:56:16 GMT
I am totally going thru the guilt phase too..and then I realized I had left over guilt from my marriage that I never worked thru and after thinking deeper I realized how it goes back to me not forgiving my dad..haha.And at other times I remember if there is no one to blame then I dont have to forgive anyone including myself cuz we r all doing the best we can w where we are at in our lives. All this self healing crap is sooo overwhelming but it is helping me feel more at peace and in love w myself for once.
I do feel the same way about my DA, that if I had applied this before we wud probably still be making progress. But at the same time this is unfolding the way its supposed to and I cant help but think this is getting closer to a greater relationship w myself and opening me up to a great one w either my DA IF he were to come back or someone more fitting to where I am at.
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Post by cricket on Jul 13, 2017 20:58:16 GMT
My DA totally knows he is emotionally unavailable and that doesnt make him want to change. He feels safe that way. But I have seen him be so vulnerable w me and so caring and affectionate that it really seems like he wants it but is just way too scared to try for it.
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 14, 2017 2:14:21 GMT
My DA totally knows he is emotionally unavailable and that doesnt make him want to change. He feels safe that way. But I have seen him be so vulnerable w me and so caring and affectionate that it really seems like he wants it but is just way too scared to try for it. The DA I recently dated was the same way too! I remember he was vulnerable with me a few times. But it was mostly at the beginning. I'm not sure if this is classified as being "vulnerable," but he called me one night after I fell asleep. We had just started talking for about a month by this time. Since I didn't answer, he kept calling and eventually texted me saying, "Talk to meeee." He would not be caught dead doing that now! I'm still shocked that he did that. Also, later in the relationship he upset me one morning, so I walked out of his house to get some space. He called me five times in a row begging me to come back and eventually said he loved me over and over. Once again, that was an extremely rare moment. This was coming from a guy who would not even walk next to me if we went for a hike or hold my hand in public. I also remember my ex told me that he doesn't talk about 90% of what he thinks. I don't know why he chooses to do that, but I suspect it's a vulnerability thing too. |
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 14, 2017 2:16:01 GMT
I am totally going thru the guilt phase too..and then I realized I had left over guilt from my marriage that I never worked thru and after thinking deeper I realized how it goes back to me not forgiving my dad..haha.And at other times I remember if there is no one to blame then I dont have to forgive anyone including myself cuz we r all doing the best we can w where we are at in our lives. All this self healing crap is sooo overwhelming but it is helping me feel more at peace and in love w myself for once. I do feel the same way about my DA, that if I had applied this before we wud probably still be making progress. But at the same time this is unfolding the way its supposed to and I cant help but think this is getting closer to a greater relationship w myself and opening me up to a great one w either my DA IF he were to come back or someone more fitting to where I am at. You're right. It really is nobody's fault because we are just doing the best we can with the information we have. At least on our side we are searching for answers to fix the problem. |
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Post by cricket on Jul 14, 2017 16:18:47 GMT
Guava, i think in the beginning they feel more safe to be vulnerable. Your guy seems a lil fearful avoidant based on that description. The first few months mine seemed like he was wanting what i wanted. We saw each other 3 times a week and everything seemed great then one night I get a text that we have no chemistry and it feels forced. I didnt hear from him for 3 months after that. When he came back he said - I felt all the feelings I was trying to avoid- he said that another time when we were discussing if we should go our own way so I know he just wants to shut feelings out all the time.
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Post by howpredictable on Jul 14, 2017 16:52:33 GMT
...after thinking deeper I realized how it goes back to me not forgiving my dad..haha. I was once reading another relationship/healing blog, and the writer said something to the effect that she is tempted to post a photo with the caption: "Here is a picture of all the many men I have dated in my life". Then the photo itself would be of her dad.
Darkly funny, but (in my case at least), very very true. 
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Post by cricket on Jul 14, 2017 18:08:12 GMT
Wow..that is deep. Haha.
I recently did an exercise where I had to remember the first thoughts i had about my dad and there where two constant things I asked of him. I wrote them down and it made me laugh because those are 2 things I have had reoccurring in every significant relationship Ive had. Very powerful stuff..so at the very least I can thank my ex DA for leading me to this place of maybe finally dealing w my past and being much happier person with or without him.
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 14, 2017 22:45:06 GMT
Guava, i think in the beginning they feel more safe to be vulnerable. Your guy seems a lil fearful avoidant based on that description. The first few months mine seemed like he was wanting what i wanted. We saw each other 3 times a week and everything seemed great then one night I get a text that we have no chemistry and it feels forced. I didnt hear from him for 3 months after that. When he came back he said - I felt all the feelings I was trying to avoid- he said that another time when we were discussing if we should go our own way so I know he just wants to shut feelings out all the time. Thank you for bringing that to my attention! I have recently been wondering if he has FA qualities too. It was probably more FA at the beginning and more DA from the middle to the end. What do you mean by him saying, "I felt all the feelings I was trying to avoid" ? As in he felt love and connection with you, but tried to avoid them? |
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Post by cricket on Jul 15, 2017 0:01:59 GMT
Yea thats totally possible to go change depending on what feelings and closeness is activated.
No ,he meant that when he called it off w me he missed me and felt affected by it more than he thought. He felt that yucky break up feeling that he was trying to avoid. He avoids relationships because he says they are going to end sooner or later and he will end up hurt so why start one in the first place. He is very adamant about his independence and not catching feelings. He told me he wasnt expecting us to last this long and wasnt sure where to go from here.
He had been single for 4yrs and only had short 2- 3 month flings during that time.
So he decided to leave when i got anxious. Havent heard from him in 6 weeks now. I wonder when i will stop counting.
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