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Post by abolish on Jul 15, 2017 17:39:04 GMT
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Post by howpredictable on Jul 15, 2017 18:41:50 GMT
He is who he is for a reason and so am I. I just want to lay the blame down and get back in touch w me. Which is hard. I realize what a negative inner dialogue i have about relationships and men over all so of course I keep attracting this into my life. Truthfully if he came back now I know I am not ready to be the person I want to be in a relationship so maybe its better. Cricket, first of all, thanks for forwarding the links to the Alan Roberge videos. I wasn't familiar with his work but his stuff is gold.
Secondly -- and in keeping with some of the things Roberge says -- try to remember that this was never, ever, EVER a healthy relationship, and the fact that you were drawn to a DA person in the first place says a lot about your own emotional unavailability. (And mine). I think this is what you are hinting at in your post.
This is where the self-work has to be focused. But if you succeed, it still doesn't mean you and he could have a good relationship.
Unless he has years of therapy, if he came back now ... a year from now ... a decade from now, he would still have nothing to offer you because he is not capable of intimate connections. (And if you read some of my other posts, you will know that I'm primarily Avoidant, so I know all-too-well of the nature of this incapacity).
Whether you are "ready to be the person you want to be in a relationship" or not, his coming back now would not change a thing. The only reason you had a relationship at all is because BOTH of you are NOT in a place to have a healthy one.
From the get-go, these DA + Anxious relationships are not designed to work because they are flawed to the very core. Those flaws exist in BOTH partners, and they are exactly what makes even an unsatisfying relationship possible at all. If you were a Secure attachment person, the relationship would never have gotten even as far as it did. It would have been a non-starter.
Using myself as an example, I am primarily Avoidant but slip into Anxious with a more-Avoidant partner. I don't think I'm ever Secure. So it looks like this:
DA + Anxious Me = Terrible relationship. DA + Secure Me (theoretically) = No relationship, because (being secure) I would not be interested in a DA partner. DA = Avoidant Me = No relationship, because it would fizzle out from mutual lack of effort/interest.
That's the math on it. But even practically speaking: Knowing what I now know about Attachment styles, if my DA ex came back right now on bended knee and offered for us to resume our relationship, I would run for the hills because I now see that it was a disaster-piece of thought-consuming anxiousness, walking on eggshells, confusion, frustration, and despair at not being able to make it work, no matter what I / we did.
We just don't have anything healthy to offer each other.
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Post by pooched on Jul 16, 2017 0:21:31 GMT
Using myself as an example, I am primarily Avoidant but slip into Anxious with a more-Avoidant partner. I don't think I'm ever Secure. So it looks like this:
DA + Anxious Me = Terrible relationship. DA + Secure Me (theoretically) = No relationship, because (being secure) I would not be interested in a DA partner. DA = Avoidant Me = No relationship, because it would fizzle out from mutual lack of effort/interest.
That's the math on it. But even practically speaking: Knowing what I now know about Attachment styles, if my DA ex came back right now on bended knee and offered for us to resume our relationship, I would run for the hills because I now see that it was a disaster-piece of thought-consuming anxiousness, walking on eggshells, confusion, frustration, and despair at not being able to make it work, no matter what I / we did.
We just don't have anything healthy to offer each other.
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Post by pooched on Jul 16, 2017 0:23:12 GMT
sorry... new here... didn't mean to post without comment
Really sad... this means that DA's will never have a fulfilling relationship with anyone... only with himself/herself. Either that, or they will make everyone who has a relationship with them very unhappy.
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Post by cricket on Jul 16, 2017 1:36:34 GMT
Thank you for your honesty "howpradictable"it really does help. It does make me ask though are you saying DA's just don't deserve patients and understanding frim any type?
If avoidants and DA's cant seem to get away from each other then maybe two people who acknowledge their issues can have a shot at working thru it? You're rt, i would think a secure wouldn't put up w it for long yet everything i read says secure type is the best fit for them.
But it makes sense as to why we keep thinking it can work out. As Alan Robage said, its like a lil kid who gets abused but family is his home base so you keep wanting it to work out. Also we just want a return on our emotional investment.
Do you ever go back to someone you ran from and if so what was your intention of going back?
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Post by cricket on Jul 16, 2017 1:38:53 GMT
sorry... new here... didn't mean to post without comment Really sad... this means that DA's will never have a fulfilling relationship with anyone... only with himself/herself. Either that, or they will make everyone who has a relationship with them very unhappy. What makes me more sad is someone who knows they want it and feels just to scared to try for it. I think there are some who really have supressed it so far down that they dont even know they want closeness anymore. |
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Post by pooched on Jul 16, 2017 3:10:46 GMT
In my case (4.5 year relationship with a DA), I don't believe that they are scared, but they can get incredibly lonely. Sometimes, I think that they don't know any better -- They will try and can maintain the facade of love and caring as it's what is expected of them, but they will eventually revert back to a gut visceral reaction. The DA that I am talking about is almost 60 years old and have four adult children -- two of which are experience social difficulties. He values and understands duty and expresses his "love" minimally and only under duress and stress.
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