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Post by cricket on Jul 8, 2017 2:03:08 GMT
I recently read about attachment theory after a second hard break from the DA i was seeing. And now I know why we could never get to the next level. Its been a year of back and forth, hot and cold.
My feelings were growing while his seemed to be staggering back and forth. In my presence he was the best person ever. Our connection seemed to be growing. But this is the second time he has broken it off.
How can he just ignore me for a month when we have been seeing each other for almost a yr now.
Reading the classic signs of an avoidant was like reading a description of him.
Hes even self employed cuz he hated depending on anyone. He was abused by his mom. At our most intimate conversations he seemed soo vulnerable. He would say -I cant do a relationship cuz u will hurt me I know it and I will end up resenting you- lots of other stuff too.
But then he wud say things like ok lets give it a shot. And he would plan future stuff but cud never follow thru. He doesnt have any close friends cuz he said its too hard to maintain. He's only close to his bro he said cuz he can disappear for months and his bro doesnt get mad.
So anyways im just trying to not text him cuz he'll ignore it anyways and its a lot harder than I thought.
Im also working on my own anxious attachment issues. Thanks for reading.
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 8, 2017 22:20:01 GMT
"He doesnt have any close friends cuz he said its too hard to maintain. He's only close to his bro he said cuz he can disappear for months and his bro doesnt get mad." My DA ex was like this too. He has friends that he considers himself very close to, but they don't talk often. One time he made a comment about how you can still be really close with somebody and only talk to them two or three times a year. I think that may be true on some levels. I have friends that I only speak to a few times a year and consider us close, but those are special cases and people who I have been through a lot with in the past. Ultimately I think he thinks this about every friendship he has. My ex was also extremely afraid of being vulnerable too. He would agree to a lot of things in terms of working on the relationship, but would never follow through. This is a really tough situation, but you're not alone! Don't text him because it will suck you back in and delay your recovery. It's great that you're working on yourself as well. I feel like a lot of people don't figure this stuff out and pay a price for it with failed relationship after failed relationship. At least you have the tools now to make sure your future relationships are healthier and happier. |
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guava
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Post by guava on Jul 8, 2017 22:29:28 GMT
Also, I'm not sure how much they care when they disappear. That has been a struggle for me to figure out too. I will say that when my ex and I first broke up, he made a comment to me that he had wanted to call me the day after we broke things off, but he never did. Looking back, I'm not surprised that he didn't call because that is so typical of him. It probably just depends on the person. Four months after we broke up, I went through a very traumatic loss in my life. I went no contact after the break up, but when he found out what happened to me, he was probably more empathetic and caring about what happened compared to anybody else. I took that as him caring for me deeply. Does that mean he wanted to be with me again? No. So maybe they care about you a lot, but they're not interested in a relationship at the time. It's nothing personal from what I've figured out. I know it's not the best answer, but I'm sure others will have better points of view than me. I hope this was at least some help!
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 2:17:25 GMT
Thank you for replying. It feels better knowing im not alone. I dont know why but the last few days have been harder. Like having to pretend hes dead. Which i actually did lose a bf like that before so Im sure that is part of why its so hard for me to do NC. I ended up texting him today and he ignored it.
He went from telling me how he would give me a key to his place and joking about how he knows i want to marry him(which i never said that) to telling me he needs to stay away cuz he doesn't want to hurt me and then completely ignoring. As if I never existed. I just want to feel better now.
Wow..my DA said soemthing like that to me about being close to people too. And he said why cant we have the type of relationship where we sont see other people but we only need to see each other like every other week or so and not much contact in between. He said it like he thought that was a really good idea.
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Post by abolish on Jul 9, 2017 9:20:57 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 15:02:56 GMT
Yea, I keep telling myself not to think about it from my perspective and it's not even fair to call him an asshole for it. Its just his coping mech. Its just been hard not to internalize it. I have to keep reminding myself it's not that he hates me or its not that i did something so unforgivable.
I just dont know why he really wanted it over this time. Im having a hard time moving on. The fact that he wont reply at all is really hurting.
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Post by abolish on Jul 9, 2017 16:34:04 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 17:18:18 GMT
Thanks for the advice. You're right I do have to remember its not rational just like my own irrationality that has gotten in the way. We had gotten closer recently and spent more time together and he said - see you are making a new man out of me. You have me hooked, you just need to reel me in very slowly.
But my idea of slow and his are 2 different things. I wish i would have had more patience but I didn't know about this attachment style.
I pushed him cuz he had dogged me and that triggered my issues and I snapped at him the next day. I told him stay out of my life if you are just going to keep hurting me. So a few days later he said he thinks its best if he stays away.
I think this time he is really gone. Hes never ignored my texts this long. I have only texted him about once a week since.
And its so true what u said about keeping it light hearted. I have learnt that over time too. I usually make jokes about it when he "hides away" for a while.
The other time he broke it off he was gone for 3 months. I didnt contact him at all during that time cuz we had only been dating about 3 months.
He has mother issues and I have father issues and I really thought maybe we could work thru those issues together.
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Post by abolish on Jul 9, 2017 18:01:39 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 18:39:59 GMT
That sounds very much like me too. His social media is on private and his bro just recently set his to private so I have no way of checking on him now. It really triggers me. I literally think he died. I had a bf who died and I mourned for a long time. So I get a lot of those feelings brought up. My last text i said, i just want to know you're alive,it feels weird. No response 😕
I know what you mean that u prob wouldn't be talking if u dont text him. I felt like I carried the relationship.
He also told me that he didnt want me to be the reason for his happiness which i thought was a line cuz my other ex would always tell me that.
Im glad you are on good terms now. It takes a lot of compassion to deal w and to not let it trigger you.
Thats one thing i feel appreciative of. He has really made me work on my own emotional shit and remind me that my happiness is an inside job that I am responsible for not him.
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Post by abolish on Jul 9, 2017 19:40:20 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 23:39:07 GMT
Right, they take their independence to an extreme. Its really to a fault. I feel like reminding him No man is an Island. He told me he protects his independence with everything and he needs to be self-reliant.
Yea I guess its time to just take care of myself. Stop putting him on a pedestal and thinking Ill never meet anyone like that again.
Ill keep reading and working on my own unhealthy attachment issues.
You sound at a pretty healthy spot about it now. I hope everything works out the best for you. ☺
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 23:44:38 GMT
Right, they are independent to a fault. He protects his with everything.
No man is an island. W the right person sharing your space can be a very nice experience. Everyone just has to be self aware and take care of their own baggage.
I hope he is ok. I might never find out and I guess I have to be ok w that.
I always wished he was mean to me in person so I wouldn't like him. I just dont know how someone can fake feelings like that.
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Post by abolish on Jul 13, 2017 2:42:47 GMT
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Post by cricket on Jul 13, 2017 16:11:52 GMT
Why do you say that now? Did something happen?
They dont seem to "need" anything from anyone or at least they dont think they do.
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