Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2019 16:22:03 GMT
averyleigh , I'm really touched by what you wrote here. I had no idea that my contribution could be so helpful, but I am really happy about that .
You have really got a lot of insight into your own internal mechanisms- and that's they key to recreating yourself . As an avoidant, I can relate somewhat to the dilemma of trying to be useful. This is what was modeled for me. A man and a woman should work hard to make ends meet and get jobs done. It's not that I didn't have any affection or care for my partners- it's that I didn't experience it from them, I only experienced anger and demands, disappointment and expectation. I was unfamiliar with what it felt like to be loved in an altruistic sense that really supports me. I also didn't know how to be emotionally present and open and vulnerable. That had never been safe, helpful, or comforting for me in my life. Like you, I was emotionally unavailable and out of touch with myself and my own needs, and I chose partners who mirrored that. An AP makes the relationship all about them without meaning malice, just like a DA does. The two together are a shit storm.
I am thankful for one thing, and that is that I feel tremendous relief when I leave a painful dynamic- I don't look back and wonder what could have or should have been. That's the up side to avoidance- if there is one! It's hard for me to relate to the AP dilemma of feeling worthless or guilty or dependent on another person to be ok. But, as we know- that's because I haven't experienced someone helping me be ok, so I somewhere somehow diminished the importance of relationships.
That's changing, of course- it has already changed a lot. I have experienced a lot of healthy friendship and love by now and I really like being a part of stable and healthy relationships. All the DAs I know are working toward that the best they can. Our process is different than an AP process though, and I don't think it's well enough understood by people. Diane Poole Heller and Dr. Peter Levine have nailed it and I tell everyone I know, lol.
Thank you for sharing all that and I am really happy that you are finding comfort in my writing and in your own process's
You have really got a lot of insight into your own internal mechanisms- and that's they key to recreating yourself . As an avoidant, I can relate somewhat to the dilemma of trying to be useful. This is what was modeled for me. A man and a woman should work hard to make ends meet and get jobs done. It's not that I didn't have any affection or care for my partners- it's that I didn't experience it from them, I only experienced anger and demands, disappointment and expectation. I was unfamiliar with what it felt like to be loved in an altruistic sense that really supports me. I also didn't know how to be emotionally present and open and vulnerable. That had never been safe, helpful, or comforting for me in my life. Like you, I was emotionally unavailable and out of touch with myself and my own needs, and I chose partners who mirrored that. An AP makes the relationship all about them without meaning malice, just like a DA does. The two together are a shit storm.
I am thankful for one thing, and that is that I feel tremendous relief when I leave a painful dynamic- I don't look back and wonder what could have or should have been. That's the up side to avoidance- if there is one! It's hard for me to relate to the AP dilemma of feeling worthless or guilty or dependent on another person to be ok. But, as we know- that's because I haven't experienced someone helping me be ok, so I somewhere somehow diminished the importance of relationships.
That's changing, of course- it has already changed a lot. I have experienced a lot of healthy friendship and love by now and I really like being a part of stable and healthy relationships. All the DAs I know are working toward that the best they can. Our process is different than an AP process though, and I don't think it's well enough understood by people. Diane Poole Heller and Dr. Peter Levine have nailed it and I tell everyone I know, lol.
Thank you for sharing all that and I am really happy that you are finding comfort in my writing and in your own process's
