Please help me understand more about deactivation

If I feel like I’m engulfed in some way, I will move away. That triggers the AP/FA dance where you pursue and I back off. When this is happening, it’s like my life depends upon it and I must get away, not respond, whatever.

We had a pretty lengthy discussion on support here lately:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2069/help-engulfing-coming-controlling

There’s a lot there and it went in various directions at times, but that might help.

What I’ve tried to do with my FA in times of deactivation is leave him alone - working on myself in the meantime and trying to not take it personally. I’ve also welcomed his outreach (when he comes back around - max a week, now we’re talking usually every 3 days now) kindly. I’m always warm and try to be as consistent as I can to help build trust (since FAs core “issue” is trust). I listen to what he’s saying, ask questions to help him get the words out, and just be a good human without worrying about any “agenda”.

But you can’t abandon yourself / your needs either. I’ve found - and self admitting I struggle greatly with expressing my needs in every aspect of my life lately - though it’s important to do it once you’ve calmed down from a frenzy (however that might hit you) and that timing is everything. One time he asked me why I deal with him, and I responded because I care, but also let him know that it’s challenging for me when he pushes me away and I don’t know what to do or think and that doesn’t feel good... but that I’m here because I care and want to be. (Thanks to alexandra ’s advice for that simplification!)

I’m also learning to reach out when I want to (noting secure mindset not in AP anxiety and not when he’s been clearly giving off signs he is deactivating/feels engulfed) but for my own sanity not anticipating he’ll always be able to respond. Since I’ve spoken up about my needs / feelings about him pushing me away (~ two weeks ago, but many weeks into “major deactivation”) things have been more consistent on his part. Throughout this time he’s also opened up more emotionally, which has allowed me to “lead by example” expressing in how therapy has helped me etc - and all was well received and he’s even complimented me now various times either on the attractiveness of my mental health expression or how good I am at being supportive to him (all in semi awkward phrasing but that’s just him!).

I try not to walk on eggshells, but I do maintain a sensitive approach since I get his triggers more and frankly, just knowing how humans work that no one likes someone to just be like “you need therapy” (I mean we all do really).

The key I think has been working on myself in between and accepting him where he’s at. And building that security on my side while giving him the space to progress life at his own speed. By no means are things perfect, but I feel better than I did a month ago... I know that I need a reclaimed sense of self before I can be a good partner, and I know he’s not in a great place to support all of my needs... but frankly, if I’m in an AP activated state, my so-called needs are excessive... because I haven’t healed yet. Recognizing and working on that has been key...

Anyways, I don’t know if any of that helps... but that’s my experience.


caro thank you, yes, it helps greatly for you to share your experience! I appreciate it very much

If I feel like I’m engulfed in some way, I will move away. That triggers the AP/FA dance where you pursue and I back off. When this is happening, it’s like my life depends upon it and I must get away, not respond, whatever.

Often the clearest first sign I have that I am really triggered emotionally, with feelings that are stuck inside me that are painful, is that I feel lethargic, wiped out, sleepy, just heavy and exhausted.
By suppressed I mean, feelings that I have reasoned my way out of and denied, or minimized, in a habitual and conditioned way to cope. Autonomy and therefore impermeability and invulnerability is the mindset of my avoidance. It was necessary to be ok, when I was a child: It serves me very well in trouble and in my life in general in terms of success and stability and safety , and my sense of agency and independence is a strength to me.

Emotional relationships mess with all of that. As you may be aware, ,avoidant attachment forms when a dependent child is unable to receive love, help and support and care and protection from caregivers, and so must cope with feelings and overwhelm on their own. Because a child depends upon their caregivers for their very survival, this is a situation that stimulates the nervous system in survival mechanisms.

My nervous system over- regulates me- over sedates and relaxes me and causes me to feel detached and calm in a shut down, dysfunctional way. It's biological coping. Any threat to myself is muffled and minimized (first it is briefly recognized, and then insulating begins). In this process my emotions become suppressed.

Often what is behind my deactivation are feelings of betrayal, having been attacked, blamed, or otherwise overwhelmed by negativity and hurt. I may feel oppressed and controlled, or just angry. In my relationship which is more secure, it comes from fear of abandonment and loss which is unconscious to avoidants. It's conscious to me now because of the process I've had toward secure.

You speak of your boyfriend shutting down like this, and I recall your style of communication when you were upset; when you came to this forum. Recognizing that we all have our faults, your verbal aggression (as shown in your initial triggered posts) is definitely something that would shut down an avoidant. I can understand you were upset refusal to accept the points I made to you about my own state of mind, ,would be difficult for an avoidant in a relationship with you. I merely saw it as inappropriate. However; like I wrote in my very first post to you; if you communicated with him even on occasion with any measure of that verbal aggression, the trust would have been damaged and he may have been triggered into deactivation by any friction after that.

You mention that he found you dismissive of his feelings, and I saw that immediately in you , with me , as you assumed my mental state over and over again in spite of me representing myself clearly to you. I understand that I was saying things uncomfortable for you to hear, but it was input you asked for.

So, I am just saying yeah- he probably deactivated in your dynamic, whether you intended to inflict pain or not you may well have, with your communication style.

At any rate, I hope this information. is helpful for your understanding about deactivation but do not wish to engage in argument with you, take what is helpful and disregard the rest as I am just responding to your post that was addressed to me.


@sherry it is very helpful, thank you. 

In the over two months since our breakup, I have been in regular therapy an addressing all of this. I am and have always been open to change for myself. Like I mentioned in many of my posts, I never even knew there was anything called attachment styles. I have learned tremendously in these 8 plus weeks.


My FA ex and I are actually back together now, and I feel I am armed with knowledge that can only help us, yet I am always continually open to understanding more both about him and my own attachment style and how we relate to each other. I thank you for your input and sharing your experiences.