Inappropriate love interests

That’s very interesting. I’ve been in something like that recently, and there’s always something that brushes up against my attachment style. This time I’ve found myself anxious and had to quieten myself down. There’s no doubt that if I want to go forward in a healthy way, then this is not the way to do it.

Yeah for sure. I just dunno if I should even consider this one...

I would personally find it way too soon to judge. You said he seemed like a nice person... he might make a good friend, or a decent social or work connection.... but it would take more time before knowing if he is a good love match. People can usually hide their attachment and mental health issues for several months before you get to see whats behind the mask.

My most secure and loving relationship was with my now deceased partner. He was 10 years younger than me, and we loved one another for over 15 years.

My perspective is, listen to your intuition. If you know you choose inappropriate partners as a pattern and you don't feel comfortable, don't proceed.
You are the only one here who has met him in person and there is much more to a person than their biographic data.

The more I have listened to my intuition , the stronger and more reliable it has become.

I think it's a lot of pressure to tell you to give this a chance. Go with your feelings. There is no fire, you owe no one anything, and you have nothing to lose by honoring your doubt.

I have never felt bad about a good thing- never had to question something that really is good for me.

Conversely, the things I persisted with when I had niggling doubts, when I wasn't comfortable- those were lessons that didn't kill me but ultimately taught me- i know. I do know. I know what feels right to me and what doesn't. I know how to say no, and let that be ok. I don't have to give everyone a chance. This is my life and I do know.

I agree with your second point, that when you had real doubts it was important to pay attention. But I'm not sure your first point applies as universally to anxious-leaning insecure types early in the healing process. There's so much projection, layers of insecurity and distrust of self, that there can be a very big gap between thinking you're hearing yourself and actually just running through your patterns. What I mean is, because your anxiety isn't getting kicked up, you absolutely may feel intuitive doubt about a good partner that's not actually about the partner at all but is about yourself.

That may mean, if (general you) your intuition is saying no, that you're not ready for a healthy relationship, which is legitimate too. But it will sound like your intuition doubts are about the (good) partner, when it's actually about yourself, or your positive feelings are because your attachment system is triggered anxious by a (bad) partner -- but it feels familiar and good.

So that's why I think it's really important for insecure types who struggle with distrust of self (whether AP or anxious-leaning FA) to get comfortable enough and confident enough with themselves first, because it can be hard to distinguish between if it is good or bad partner / relationship intuition or if it's attachment projection, instead of taking the good/bad feeling at complete face value.

That doesn't mean not dating while going through the process, which it may sound like I'm saying. It just means taking things a bit slow and get to know the person if the intuition isn't alarm bells saying, this is a crappy person and partner.

I'm not sure if this is different for DA because that style has some issues with self but it's not usually with trusting self, you'd know that better, and I suspect your perspective is good for lower-anxiety or secure styles.

Yes, I think so. My point is more to do with what feels right, and less to do with the person. When in doubt, a pause and letting go of outside expectations and opinions can be a good thing, in order to discover what the next right step is. Life is more than "the wrong or right partner" and can be also about the "right time" "right motivation" "right understanding" "right stage of healing" and so forth. There are many good or bad potential partners- and there is also the individual process and timing and growth stage. Pushing along to try out a potential relationship is not always what the doctor ordered- sometimes finding contentment in one's own self discovery can be just the thing one needs.

Id just like to add, its usually better to date someone at least 6 months out of a relationship, particularly a long term one. If it was a recent break up take it very slow.

For me personally it takes me 6 months to a year to even date again. I need 'my life back' and clear their energy out of my life before I can really give myself again. After my 5 year it took me about 2 years to date again.

7 years is really not that much of an age gap so I would not sweat that.