De activations, distancing, and other partners

We were dating each other and taking things fairly seriously together and talking about the future together in a relationship kind of way. We acted and talked about things as if we were already in an exclusive relationship. I didn't ask directly but also the way we talked and certain things said it seemed fairly obvious without having to. So making it "official" would be the direction it would be heading.

My expectations of all of this is having a committed serious relationship together and seeing if we have long term potential that could possibly end in potential marriage together. As it would be with any other long term relationship I would have. Some communication issues and things that happened before just make me a bit uneasy if I think about it too much.

I did, I started to open that conversation the last time we were together but she was in the middle of starting to de activate and after that it got worse. She said she wasn't able to have a serious conversation at the moment I brought it up , after that she has been very distant and probably de activated so I don't want to push anything on her until she reaches out ready to talk and see each other again. I followed up with her to ask what was up and see how she felt, and she said she needed space right now for herself and that she wasn't feeling well for a week. So I will talk to her about it if she does come back around and doesn't just ghost me at this point. It's been a week already since all of this though.

It was fairly straightforward before she randomly went distant out of nowhere again, without anything I did to trigger her personally. The only thing I could think is we got too close and it made her uncomfortable. It all would be a non issue if she just told me she wants to keep things casual and doesn't want anything serious. But she's never been like that. I wouldn't invest or get as attached, and she wouldn't have to worry about attachments and relationship stuff either. My entire mindset would not be the way it is now. I wouldn't be as invested in her. And I would eventually find someone who I am compatible with when I want a long term thing with someone else instead. Thing that sucks is its rare I feel that way about someone and once I am attached and invested it's very difficult for me to just drop it.

I agree, but it's hard to switch my mindset unless I have a conversation about it, even if very brief. I don't want to start seeing other people or acting in ways that would take away from what I had going on together. It feels wrong to me to do that. If she is doing that. I know it wouldn't ever work for me though. Because it would show that we could never have a lasting stable commitment together.

It's not fair to me at all and would show a strong lack of desire and value of me in her eyes. After this long and everything we had going on if other people are in the picture that would confused the hell out of me and I would not be able to feel good being in an exclusive relationship with them. Im acting my best lately as it is, so what would happen if I start slipping up or have bad moments after all.

Does this all sound that bad? Haha I am trying to just sort myself out and figure out what is someone working through avoidance attachment challenges and having some difficulty, vs someone who is just not treating me right and not able to see me the same way I see her. It's hard either way , but if she's truly trying to better herself and wants things to work out herself I don't want to walk away when she's trying her best and values things enough herself.

I'll figure it all out when I talk to her though. I won't wait around indefinitely either. I'll end up reaching out again by the end of this week if I don't hear from her to at least ask if she was in the same mindset in the least or not. Without having a huge conversation. And keep focusing on myself for now and the future as much as possible.

I'm not going to get much and will need to walk away if she keeps the same behaviors going again. It's really hard to build back trust for me, but lately it felt that it was getting there. I feel like she respects me but has some major challenges at the same time. I don't really think she would lie to me about anything like that again or actively trying to manipulate me.

The more time I spent around her the more I realized how much of her behavior is a result of the avoidant attachment and trust issues, and not the case of someone just "stringing me along", or putting me on the back burner randomly. But it is concerning to me that she said she went after another guy to push her feelings for me away before, that might be a pattern for her which could possibly happen again if she feels engulfed, wants to distance herself, or de activates. Because she didn't really take my feelings into consideration the first time around either.

I only want to try things out if she is being serious and actively is working on herself and feels a lot of value with things between us. If she shows she is honest, and loyal with her words and actions. I don't expect her avoidant and trust issues to disspear in the shorter term. But if she genuinely likes me and wants things to work out. I want to at least give it a shot. It's my last effort to be honest though. I can feel myself being able to walk away a lot easier then before, knowing I've already done too much if she doesnt continue to turn things around herself.

I do like the time we spend together and our sexual chemistry so if she wanted to just keep things casual I would be fine with that. And then never pursue anything more. Until I eventually find someone I could see a long term future with. But she doesnt really do that either. It's either a ton of distance and de activation where she shuts down around me and keeps me at far arm's length, or is all over me and acts really passionate, close, and intimate. I've dated girls with anxiety or depression in the past, which she struggles with. And someone with strong traits of BPD. But never experienced a situation like this before. I don't have much to compare it to.

I only have had a few ex girlfriends and of them a couple who at some point or other had some struggle with depression or anxiety, but it didn't effect the relationship or anything. I myself had anxiety at one point too. And another with the BPD stuff which along with my own issues made for a really unhealthy dynamic for both of us. Other girls I dated have not turned into long term girlfriends or we eventually parted for various reasons. I struggled a bit with Co dependency in the past and it's perhaps one of my issues now too, and I feel mostly secure but sometimes feel like I can be AP too. So I work on that now. Along with creating strong boundaries and making sure to voice my needs.

stu, this is all very typical FA behavior. If you can't understand it, and you take it personally, dating an FA isn't compatible with your needs at this time. And doesn't need to be-- if she doesn't respond in a timeframe acceptable to you, she's the definition of unavailable to you. Past behavior will best inform and predict what's to come for as long as she's at this level of FA and not growing more secure. You've seen it keeps repeating, no?

What I don't understand is, why are you leaving all the decisions to her? Why don't you do what's best for yourself and your needs?

Someone on this board once wrote something like, if you know someone else has issues that prevent them from being emotionally healthy, why are you letting that person take the wheel and drive for both of you?