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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2019 4:38:11 GMT
stu, okay. I had read your posts as you were still waiting to hear from her before you moved forward. If you've made the decision to keep going and there isn't a piece of you waiting for her to decide if you'll try again or not which is keeping you unavailable to other things, then that is good progress!
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Post by stu on Sept 6, 2019 5:50:18 GMT
stu , okay. I had read your posts as you were still waiting to hear from her before you moved forward. If you've made the decision to keep going and there isn't a piece of you waiting for her to decide if you'll try again or not which is keeping you unavailable to other things, then that is good progress! I was thinking in a way like that for a long period of time previously, but then realized I can't keep sitting around for someone who isn't even talking to me currently, whether it's de activation or anything else I invested over a year of my life going back and forth with this girl, and in that time was not fully open to seeing anyone else or moving on with myself as a result. While she was not even in the same mindset. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 6, 2019 6:12:19 GMT
Stu you did the right thing, and it would have built trust in most relationships, I think. You modeled trustworthy loyal behaviour to build trust, early on, you loved her, and you were patient when issues came up.
She failed you. She hasn't earned your valuable trust and has betrayed what little trust you'd built together. Don't let it change you... find a better person. IMO You deserve it.
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Post by stu on Sept 6, 2019 7:09:55 GMT
Stu you did the right thing, and it would have built trust in most relationships, I think. You modeled trustworthy loyal behaviour to build trust, early on, you loved her, and you were patient when issues came up. She failed you. She hasn't earned your valuable trust and has betrayed what little trust you'd built together. Don't let it change you... find a better person. IMO You deserve it. Thanks I appreciate that a lot. It sucks that it had to turn out that way, and then recently finally feeling like things were heading in a very good direction the sudden disspearing act. But reading about attachment I understand it now, the other things on top of it just make it too difficult to be so invested anymore. My trust never ended up being repaired in the first place. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 6, 2019 20:59:30 GMT
Stu you did the right thing, and it would have built trust in most relationships, I think. You modeled trustworthy loyal behaviour to build trust, early on, you loved her, and you were patient when issues came up. She failed you. She hasn't earned your valuable trust and has betrayed what little trust you'd built together. Don't let it change you... find a better person. IMO You deserve it. Thanks I appreciate that a lot. It sucks that it had to turn out that way, and then recently finally feeling like things were heading in a very good direction the sudden disspearing act. But reading about attachment I understand it now, the other things on top of it just make it too difficult to be so invested anymore. My trust never ended up being repaired in the first place. Yeah, i know how you feel.. the sense of having invested so much and they don't care, and you are not even on their mind. Its not in any way your fault, I realise you know that too, but this is really isn't the kind of negative feedback you deserve for what you put in. I'm unsure of your age group or if you ever want to have a family, but consider, too, the impact of having an unreliable mother of your kids. Bringing up kids right is the most important job of all IMO, and that has to start with stable parents capable of enduring the stresses of child rearing together. Anyway i hope you day has been okay so far. I'm glad you are getting stronger, in spite of being let down. |
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Post by stu on Sept 6, 2019 22:48:51 GMT
Thanks I appreciate that a lot. It sucks that it had to turn out that way, and then recently finally feeling like things were heading in a very good direction the sudden disspearing act. But reading about attachment I understand it now, the other things on top of it just make it too difficult to be so invested anymore. My trust never ended up being repaired in the first place. Yeah, i know how you feel.. the sense of having invested so much and they don't care, and you are not even on their mind. Its not in any way your fault, I realise you know that too, but this is really isn't the kind of negative feedback you deserve for what you put in. I'm unsure of your age group or if you ever want to have a family, but consider, too, the impact of having an unreliable mother of your kids. Bringing up kids right is the most important job of all IMO, and that has to start with stable parents capable of enduring the stresses of child rearing together. Anyway i hope you day has been okay so far. I'm glad you are getting stronger, in spite of being let down. I'm in my late twenties and at the age where I should start thinking seriously about long term relationships if I ever get married, especially if I have kids. You are 100 percent right, it's sad that so many families and up breaking apart because of resolvable issues that never get addressed. I feel like I'm on this FAs mind and they know that they messed up. But regardless of how they are feeling , of which I have no clue. It's not fair to me , especially after all I did for them and shown myself to be as a person. To be given the behavior and treatment they've shown me. Even if it's not their fault being the way they are. They do have to take responsibility for their actions and understand how it affects those around them. And if I sit around being okay with it, I'm just going to enable it and keep suffering. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 7, 2019 4:59:56 GMT
Yes exactly Stu. You can only imagine the instability of a family when the mother abandons the family or cheats when she feels a bit close to her husband, or the baby cries. And imagine your own pain, if you lost your children because of it, saw them raised by some other guy or succession of guys?. I apologise if that sounds a little pessemistic. I feel you have the traits of being a very good, stable father and husband, and if your lady friend is this unstable already because of kindness and love, how will she be for the next 20 years, under pressure, and faced with needy distressed children, normal marital conflict, and fatigue?. I'm sure she does think of you, and will in time miss you. But she is not thinking of your wellbeing, your distressed feelings, or ways to improve the relationship right now, even though its everything you deserve  |
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Post by stu on Sept 7, 2019 11:35:18 GMT
Yes exactly Stu. You can only imagine the instability of a family when the mother abandons the family or cheats when she feels a bit close to her husband, or the baby cries. And imagine your own pain, if you lost your children because of it, saw them raised by some other guy or succession of guys?. I apologise if that sounds a little pessemistic. I feel you have the traits of being a very good, stable father and husband, and if your lady friend is this unstable already because of kindness and love, how will she be for the next 20 years, under pressure, and faced with needy distressed children, normal marital conflict, and fatigue?. I'm sure she does think of you, and will in time miss you. But she is not thinking of your wellbeing, your distressed feelings, or ways to improve the relationship right now, even though its everything you deserve You're right, it's an extreme example but realistically it's also something that happens all the time. And is very possible with someone who has a lot of deep issues and isn't taking care of it fully. Like you mentioned if it's this difficult now, it would be far worse under those circumstances. I really appreciate you saying I have those traits too, because I worked hard on myself to master my emotions, keep a flexible mind, strong integrity, and having good ethics and values. And a huge amount of love, respect, and care for everyone I share my life with. She did reach out to me a few hours ago and told me I should just focus on myself and not to worry about her anymore. Which sounded sad to hear, her response like that to what I wrote to her sounds really self depreciating. But I do need to continue working on myself and not stay so attached to things from before. She is trying her best with the skills she has now, it seems. And is self aware about everything going on with her. But still has a lot of fear with exposing herself to all the self work to really change her patterns. Which still play out, and can be destructive to be in the path of. It's heartbreaking and depressing to think about and witness , but she is an adult and she is capabable of taking care of herself and working on herself, and moving past her fears and hang ups. I thought being a loving and encouraging support would help facilitate things for her too. But it's very difficult to be on the receiving end of all the stuff that happens without things truly changing for the better. Have to protect my heart a bit. Almost paranoid she will somehow find my posts from this forum but I doubt that would happen lol. Just awkward to write so much detail about such a personal situation and put it on the internet, even if it's completely annoymous. |
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