De activations, distancing, and other partners

I don’t think that is attachment related....I think that is tied to respect...and it sounds like this person is disrespecting you and you are not putting a strong enough boundary to provide self care.  Honestly...I would walk away...plenty of other people out there that will not cheat on a partner.

Yes, thanks Caroline and to everyone else that chimed in. The situation right now is not that she has not involved herself with others yet. But the stress that it could potentially happen. Based on the fact that in the past she was able to lie to my face about different things without any thought.

Also in the past she had told me she was scared about messing things up and wanted to protect herself after a period of us getting very close and her expressing vulnerability. Two days after that she was being publicaly cutesy with another guy though. And a mutual friend who bumped into her told me about it, which is also how I only ever knew about some lies she told me in the past as well. Because we have mutual friends who tell me things which are the opposite of what she would say in the past as well.

These two things really hurt me in the past and for a while I stopped talking to her and distanced myself. But we eventually talked through things and cleared things up. She did feel like shit about how she treated me and told me she doesn't deserve me in her life, and I should not be nice to her after all she did. The broken trust about it is still there for me. But I know she isn't a narcissist or anything of that nature, because she feels remorse and has a general consensus. Though sometimes her de activations can come across as callous and insensitive.

Anytime things seem off now it makes me more uncomfortable because of those past experiences and her ability to lie to me before. She also told me she got involved with that other guy to push her feelings for me away, which I couldn't tell was a legitimate avoidant behavior, or just a lame excuse. we weren't exclusively dating at that point. But she gave me the image that we we're and talked together saying there was no one else in the picture for either of us on several occasoons. She also knew how much I liked her and that I wasn't messing around with other girls too. So her words vs actions felt pretty manipulative

All in all I am trying to build very strong boundaries as I will not involve myself in this if other people are in the picture again, but it's hard to trust her word on that. And the other thing is that sometimes her avoidance, de activation, and distancing can come across as stringing me along, disrespect, or a lack of concern for my well being.

I know without a doubt she is FA and was diagnosed, and I've actively seen her shell up and become extremely guarded when she is triggered, and all the signs of it. She also mentioned she pushes away everyone in her life at some point, and has a habit of cutting people out of her life. And that people suffocate her.she also mentioned that she doesn't trust anyone, even her best friend. And she sometimes feels like everyone wants something from her, or wants to use her. She knows this isn't normal thinking though and knows she needs help with herself which is what she is doing. She is working on herself and has a ton of positive qaulities. But some of the red flags and past behavior just make me veer on the side of caution. I do still really like her a lot and the only reason I've stayed after everything now is because I am under the impression that the past situations and behaviors were directly a result of her avoidant attachment issues and now that she is working on herself that it wouldn't be an issue anymore. She never cheated on me though. Just gave me the impression that it could happen based on character traits she showed before. Though I hate having to acknowledge that. If anyone thinks this is all still matter of respect or something separate from her attachment challenges let me know, as what I am also trying to figure out is what is true and what isn't and right now that isn't totally clear for me yet. I want to know what I can handle vs can't.

I am not trying to put a lot of pressure on her though, I just don't have full trust again yet. I don't mind her going through difficult stuff and supporting her or giving her any space she needs. I do care about her and like her a lot and am not trying to paint a bad picture but being transparent about a lot of negative things. It's just in relation to the original question I asked for this thread. She is an amazing girl with a lot of great qaulities, literally anything I would ever want in a person. I did forgive her for lying before and don't think she is a pathological liar or anything. But the point of my post now is just that I don't want to get cheated on if I end up in a relationship with her. Because it would hurt a lot. And I want to rebuild my trust in things too. I don't want her to be different or change to be with her. I just don't want to be lead on or have to deal with the pain of betrayal that's all.

She is all these things, both positive and negative.

Great that you can articulate your boundaries so well Stu. If she does circle back soon, do you feel that you'd be able to talk about the fidelity issue with her? Most people do want the benefits of fidelity (and resulting security and privacy) from their partner, so its a win-win situation for her as well.

I think the act of breaking an attachment coldly and ghosting a partner is inherently dangerous in terms of fidelity personally. But not all FA's have personality disorders like NPD or lack empathy. You're right to judge her on her own merits, her opportunities, and her history with you and others.

I feel the same way, like if you're going to be polyamourous or have an open relationship, then negotiate that. Talk about it in depth so you can manage your expectations and behaviour. Don't pretend fidelity to make one partner loyal, so you can go about being `open', replacing them and ghosting them.