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Post by dhali on Sept 29, 2019 21:08:12 GMT
Of course it’s no big surprise. The avoidant doesn’t magically get awesome at being a part of a fulfilling relationship. I haven’t gone through this yet, but based on the psychopathy described around these parts, I wouldn’t be shocked if you got some attention as you ex starts disengaging from this person. It won’t mean anything other than they miss elements of your old relationship that were better than the one they are exiting.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 29, 2019 22:21:51 GMT
That's possible, though I doubt it. I made it very clear to him that we won't be in touch at all until December or later. I'm realizing I should be prepared to ignore him if he does contact me though. Last time I tried NC he texted me a few weeks later asking how long it would last and I ended up responding. I was demoralized and upset with myself after that and instead of getting right back on track with it I allowed myself to get sucked back in. The pattern gets harder to break over time.
I'm painfully aware of how much time I've wasted in this toxic relationship and I know that I can't let myself go backwards.
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Post by serenity on Sept 29, 2019 23:05:13 GMT
Thanks for the update iz42. Wow, that was a huge violation, and way inappropriate on her part. I am sorry you went through that, its not what you needed at all during NC. You can only imagine the feelings of desperation, anxiety, and mistrust that would drive a person do something like that  I agree with dhali, his new relationship is not looking good and it would be wise to keep your guard up. Just regarding the freinds thing, how would a good friendship with your ex look like to you? Is there anything he brings to the table, or would it just be the same old crazy making dynamics in a significantly downgraded relationship? I keep in contact with one FA ex because he's respectful, in therapy, a very good listener and confident. We also share an important hobby in common and he's a patient and generous teacher. With my most recent ex, the respect on his part has gone out the window. So idk how I could be his friend. How is it with you? |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 30, 2019 0:54:25 GMT
That's a great question serenity . I think a good friendship would have to involve support and respect. He would need to show that he can be supportive in a friend capacity. I don't know that I'm thinking clearly enough yet to know whether he can offer that. He tends to be empathetic when the situation doesn't directly involve him -- when he feels criticized he shuts down. At his core he is a kind person. His kindness gets masked with the drinking and avoidant behaviors though. During his time in rehab a few months ago he was more introspective and admitted that he unintentionally hurt a lot of people in his life. As far as I know he's still in therapy. I definitely agree it's important to think about whether the dynamic would change at all in a friend relationship, or if it would just be more of the same stuff. I still feel shaken up by the call from his gf. I've been tempted to reach out to his sister and let her know that he's drinking again, but I don't know what that would really accomplish. I wish she hadn't called me. Thanks for the kind words. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 30, 2019 1:27:34 GMT
I would think that calling his sister would just make it all worse for you right now. Its hard to be so shaken up, but it will pass. I feel the same way as you do, I'm vulnerable right now, still love my ex but not his behaviour towards me. I'm in no position to consider being friends yet either.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 30, 2019 1:56:04 GMT
serenity I'm sorry you're struggling too. It's tough to feel so vulnerable. I saw your post about your ex at work. Ugh. That sounds really awful. At least your boss is understanding and gets where you're coming from, but still. This must mean that you have to see him around quite often, or can you avoid him altogether? I know you're right about contacting my ex's sister... it would just make me more involved than I want to be. And there's no reason for me to be the one to tell her what's going on and get her worried. His gf put me in a weird position by giving me that information and saying she didn't plan to tell anyone else. I'm not sure why she thought calling me was a good idea except maybe to commiserate. It's really unclear to me what she was thinking.
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Post by serenity on Sept 30, 2019 3:36:44 GMT
Thanks iz42. Yeah, every day is hard I have adjusted my routine to avoid my ex, so if I saw him, it would most likely be a chance encounter. I won't acknowledge him next time, just walk in the opposite direction to give myself the space i need. I made the mistake last time of being polite because it was a group situation, and his snub was what caused so much pain and anxiety all over again. How are you feeling today? I agree that putting that encounter behind you will be fastest for your healing. Its awful what she put you through, I'd be feeling shaken and upset too. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 30, 2019 21:16:00 GMT
Oh I see serenity. Group situations are awkward. I'm sorry he snubbed you -- that's such rude and immature behavior. I can see why you might think he's trying to rile you up. Is it possible that he's hurt and feels rejected?
I'm kind of numb today. I'm thinking about trying to schedule a therapy appointment this week (right now I'm only doing it twice a month) but it's really expensive and I can hardly afford it as it is. I've considered looking for a more affordable option but I really like her. She's the first therapist I've really connected with since I started a long time ago.
How are you feeling today?
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Post by dhali on Sept 30, 2019 21:57:06 GMT
Try reflect.com
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Post by iz42 on Sept 30, 2019 22:29:07 GMT
hmm what's that dhali? the link isn't working. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 1, 2019 2:10:40 GMT
Oh I see serenity. Group situations are awkward. I'm sorry he snubbed you -- that's such rude and immature behavior. I can see why you might think he's trying to rile you up. Is it possible that he's hurt and feels rejected? I feel like sometimes people do things like that to make the other person feel the pain they feel... or a lot of the times. A lady once told me that "People are mean because they're unhappy with themselves," and I always try to remember that. Hurt people hurt people. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 1, 2019 2:30:25 GMT
hmm what's that dhali? the link isn't working. Whoops.. joinreflect.com |
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Post by serenity on Oct 1, 2019 6:03:09 GMT
Oh I see serenity. Group situations are awkward. I'm sorry he snubbed you -- that's such rude and immature behavior. I can see why you might think he's trying to rile you up. Is it possible that he's hurt and feels rejected? I'm kind of numb today. I'm thinking about trying to schedule a therapy appointment this week (right now I'm only doing it twice a month) but it's really expensive and I can hardly afford it as it is. I've considered looking for a more affordable option but I really like her. She's the first therapist I've really connected with since I started a long time ago. How are you feeling today? Yeah I'm having a bad day too iz42; feeling numb at times, sometimes crying, and I have this weird sense of unfinished business. My guy had been stonewalling me without a reason for the past month, then verbally abused me in front of colleagues, then continued to stonewall me. Then he made a public apology (which I think he might have done to save face professionally) and still stonewalled me in private. That's why I had to breakup with him. I think my breakup was very loving and generous, and gave him a reasonable option for reconciliation. But he refused to discuss it. So, I don't really see his behavior as a reaction to feelings of rejection. I see it as an abusive power play at this point, something that started before the breakup, that I was unwilling to tolerate. Could be he found someone else, and is trying to intimidate me out of the workplace so he doesn't have to watch me move on. He's always felt a ton of inappropriate jealous possession over exes. So that's my guess. But who knows, guy won't talk |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 2, 2019 3:04:17 GMT
Wow, that sounds truly awful serenity. I'm so sorry. He sounds like a cruel person. It is unacceptable that he treated you that way, and it must affect the work environment. Why do you think you have a sense of unfinished business? |
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 3:17:26 GMT
Thanks iz42 (hug) I suppose its just the effect of being stonewalled Like we were closer than ever, and getting on great. Been together 15 months. Then ... nothing. Stonewalled. Just feels bad having a close connection severed like that Then today he was in a meeting, and acted like we were pals. I'm going to go insane. Maybe I have to find something to hate about him, like DA's do?. Like get uneccessarily worked up about a teeny freckle on his elbow or something. Think that will work? How are you doing today? |
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