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Post by iz42 on Oct 2, 2019 4:24:23 GMT
Oh wow, that would be hard to bear. Flip flopping like that among colleagues would drive me crazy!!!! I know what you mean about stonewalling. It is a truly awful feeling and it’s only natural to want to understand where it is coming from. Only problem is that there tends to be little rhyme or reason. I see what you mean about the lack of respect from him.
I honestly think anger (and perhaps petty nitpicking!) can be helpful in these kinds of situations but I have been more sad than angry. It frustrates me that I miss a person who has hurt me so many times. Today I wanted to break NC to tell my ex about the call from his gf. That would be silly but the temptation is there. I look forward to being out of this grief stage.
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 6:02:50 GMT
I'm not feeling the anger much either  Mainly just the grief of loss ATM. I can only take solice in logic at this point. Things won't get better. Ghostings and stonewalling kill me, moreso as time goes on and love deepens. Living in pain has not served me well, I flounder more in life. I have felt my communication very shut down by him. I could never expect the relationship to progress into cohabitation and something that makes me truly flourish. And I feel I got trapped into all this under false pretenses. I don't like that. And its only me that can untrap myself And just to make things more complicated, I have heavily invested in good friends this past year. They really kept me sane. But now one of them this week said he took that to mean romantic interest and I have this extra pile of mess to deal with |
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Post by serenity on Oct 5, 2019 7:25:16 GMT
Hows things iz42? I hope your week has been okay. This week has been rough. T went from publically snubbing me, then `being pals' publicly, and by the end of the week he'd swung anxious, and was everywhere I was at work, looking to reconnect. Being extremely nice, and funny, and wanting to be close. Gave me a small thoughtful gift out the blue last night. Today i got massively sick and couldn't get out of bed. So hard to cope with having to transition to friendship without space |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 5, 2019 13:37:28 GMT
serenity, this is the worst. It feels so bad when your ex leaves and you want the relationship to continue, but a lot of people don't experience when the ex comes back quickly to reconnect, but as friends when you're still mourning, and you then basically experience your loved one trying to bulldoze all your boundaries. It's incredibly damaging. That happened to me with my long-term FA ex. It made me sick with anxiety as well. I very directly told him I needed space, and he couldn't give it to me even though he'd smashed my heart. That is why I went no contact, and why it lasted for a very long time. It was too painful to deal with, triggering me constantly, and I need to have the space to focus on myself. In my case, simply asking for space didn't work. Telling him I was going no contact because I was in immense pain, which allowed him to come to the conclusion on his own that giving me space was the nicest thing he could do for me since he did care, worked best. Then he didn't challenge my no contact but was really happy to hear from me when I eventually was ready to have him back in my life in some capacity. It took me a few months of feeling desperately triggered to be ready to shut him out and was painful to go no contact, but him finally hearing me in a way that allowed him to respect my needs (even if it felt vulnerable and pathetic to have to tell him what a bad emotional state I was in) really did help in the medium-run. Do what you need to do to make the room to heal, and don't be mean but don't be apologetic about it either. He's not being fair to you, even if he's stuck in an FA cycle.
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Post by iz42 on Oct 5, 2019 21:20:48 GMT
So hard to cope with having to transition to friendship without space Ugh that's rough serenity . If I were you I'd have whiplash from all of the ups and downs. Giving you a gift after everything that has happened is so strange. I agree with alexandra about making space for yourself in whatever ways you can so he can't keep triggering you. Making space seems particularly challenging when he knows how to find you at work, but wow. It's totally unreasonable of him to try to keep this up. The attempt to "transition to friendship without space" is what kept me stuck in this awful pseudo-relationship for the past year. I knew I needed space but couldn't get it, partly because he didn't respect NC, and partly because I still had feelings for him and my AP tendencies were still in play. The cycling activated and amplified my worst abandonment fears. I think at some point I lost hope that I would ever be able to escape the situation. Things are still challenging but i'm proud of myself for going a month with NC. There are little things that make me miss him and yesterday I found myself composing texts but I didn't send them. Learning so much about his new relationship has made it hard not to speculate about what's currently happening there but I'm doing my best to tune it out. Amidst the challenges, I've been starting to feel a little more like myself again. Letting go has opened up some of the mental space that was taken up with all the ruminating. Sending good thoughts to you. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 6, 2019 0:00:04 GMT
Thank you so much for your support Alexandra and iz42. It means a lot to me <3 Thats a good idea Alexandra, maybe I have to make things more clear if he keeps up with this? I think my breakup was very vulnerable, loving and respectful to him. I told him how much pain I was in and how much his stonewalling and personal attacks at work had made me cry. And that what I really hoped to accomplish with NC was a friendship with him. I didn't give a time frame though... maybe he thought a couple of days was enough? And maybe all this public appearance as `friendly happy gift-giving guy' is just him trying to manage his reputation. I have a feeling he'll go stone cold again next week. I'll try to take it as a good opportunity to detach further |
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Post by serenity on Oct 6, 2019 19:59:27 GMT
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Post by serenity on Oct 13, 2019 21:28:25 GMT
I definitely struggled with enmeshment and emotional codependency, though I think this perspective is useful as well: motivationandchange.com/can-we-let-the-myth-of-codependency-go-away/. I used his attention and the whole roller coaster of emotion as a distraction from problems in my own life. The calm is strange but at some moments I can see myself starting to feel more solid, which is a step in the right direction. When you're conditioned to expect highs and lows and inconsistency over a period of years, it's incredible to realize that relationships don't have to look like that. Heya iz42! Just wondering how you are doing today? |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 13, 2019 22:14:20 GMT
Hi serenity, thanks for asking. Things are not great today. I broke NC and I can't even explain why. My therapist recommended that I get in touch with his girlfriend and express how inappropriate it was for her to call me and ask her not to do it again. But then I decided I needed to tell him what happened too. I knew it was a mistake. He immediately reached out and asked for help with something. It reminded me how one-sided our relationship has been... he is manipulative when he wants something. I told him it was inappropriate for him to ask for my help. I reasserted my boundaries and we are back to no contact, but that was only after being in touch with both his sister and his girlfriend about his substance abuse treatment. I feel deflated and disappointed in myself. I know I'll start to feel stronger again but right now it feels like I'm back to square one. I learned my lesson but I'm feeling pretty bad right now.
I also find it very strange that I'm still jealous of his new relationship after everything that has happened. I can only imagine she is watching and waiting for him to relapse and/or trying to control his drinking, which is no way to live (and it's unhealthy/ codependent). I know I was unhappy with him, but somehow that doesn't stop me from feeling upset and jealous whenever I picture them together. I think they'll stay together so I better get used to it. The jealousy just doesn't make any logical sense. Perhaps it's because there is a trauma bond. All I want is to genuinely want them to be happy and to be glad that he's not in my life anymore but somehow that is still out of reach.
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Post by serenity on Oct 13, 2019 22:45:53 GMT
<3 iz42. Oh I am so sorry that happened. Talking to him again and then having to cut off must have been so incredibly painful I'm glad you were able to say `no'; you can only imagine how painful and abusive the situation could get if you allowed him to triangulate two women and make both of you compete for his attention. In my own experiences, the jealousy feelings take months to fade. You're still connected via limerance feelings (and yes, from the trauma bond). But this will definitely go away in time. My feelings are that being an ex is definitely an upgrade in situations like this. She's the one copping the brunt of his dysfunctional romantic projections now, and its going to be rough on her if she's unaware AP. At least you may salvage a detached friendship out of it eventually. Working with my ex is still hell. I live for the weekends, they help center me. I'm thinking of taking some leave soon to give myself more space. If that doesn't help enough, I'll look for another job. It sucks, but my mental health has to come first |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 13, 2019 23:50:46 GMT
Thank you for listening. I do feel good about the fact that I was able to return to no contact right away because I haven't done that in the past. It took some amount of strength but less than I expected because it was clear to me that it was what I needed to do for myself. I haven't been good at self-preservation in this relationship, so in some respects it's a step forward. Also it was a useful reminder of why NC is the best move for now. You're completely right about triangulation -- I think he uses that to his advantage in a lot of romantic situations. From the outside I see her staying with him as illogical and not in her best interests whatsoever, but I did the same thing. It gives me some perspective on what anxious behavior looks like to others who aren't involved in the dynamic. It appears to be self-destructive, and I guess it is. It was a self-destructive cycle for me. I see that now. I've been slowly chipping away at the limerence but yes it's still there... I guess you're right that it will take time. Your work situation sounds really awful. It must be so frustrating that you're trying to move on and being reminded of his presence all the time. It sounds like taking leave would be a good idea. But yeah, getting a new job might be the best option for your own well being. I have a friend who works with her ex and it only seems possible because they've both moved on and are in new relationships. She still struggles sometimes. I think it would be tough for anyone just coming out of a breakup.  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2019 0:00:08 GMT
Thank you for listening. I do feel good about the fact that I was able to return to no contact right away because I haven't done that in the past. It took some amount of strength but less than I expected because it was clear to me that it was what I needed to do for myself. I haven't been good at self-preservation in this relationship, so i n some respects it's a step forward. Also it was a useful reminder of why NC is the best move for now. You're completely right about triangulation -- I think he uses that to his advantage in a lot of romantic situations. From the outside I see her staying with him as illogical and not in her best interests whatsoever, but I did the same thing. It gives me some perspective on what anxious behavior looks like to others who aren't involved in the dynamic. It appears to be self-destructive, and I guess it is. It was a self-destructive cycle for me. I see that now. I've been slowly chipping away at the limerence but yes it's still there... I guess you're right that it will take time. Your work situation sounds really awful. It must be so frustrating that you're trying to move on and being reminded of his presence all the time. It sounds like taking leave would be a good idea. But yeah, getting a new job might be the best option for your own well being. I have a friend who works with her ex and it only seems possible because they've both moved on and are in new relationships. She still struggles sometimes. I think it would be tough for anyone just coming out of a breakup. I haven't read the thread, but when I saw this, I thought it was a really good sign! Recognizing it for what it is in other situations, and then seeing that you had the same thing, is a really good indication that you're breaking the patterns. way to go! |
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Post by serenity on Oct 14, 2019 6:09:14 GMT
Thank you for listening. I do feel good about the fact that I was able to return to no contact right away because I haven't done that in the past. It took some amount of strength but less than I expected because it was clear to me that it was what I needed to do for myself. I haven't been good at self-preservation in this relationship, so in some respects it's a step forward. Also it was a useful reminder of why NC is the best move for now. You're completely right about triangulation -- I think he uses that to his advantage in a lot of romantic situations. From the outside I see her staying with him as illogical and not in her best interests whatsoever, but I did the same thing. It gives me some perspective on what anxious behavior looks like to others who aren't involved in the dynamic. It appears to be self-destructive, and I guess it is. It was a self-destructive cycle for me. I see that now. I've been slowly chipping away at the limerence but yes it's still there... I guess you're right that it will take time. Your work situation sounds really awful. It must be so frustrating that you're trying to move on and being reminded of his presence all the time. It sounds like taking leave would be a good idea. But yeah, getting a new job might be the best option for your own well being. I have a friend who works with her ex and it only seems possible because they've both moved on and are in new relationships. She still struggles sometimes. I think it would be tough for anyone just coming out of a breakup. You did good iz42, and I'm glad you felt your self preservation kick in. |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 14, 2019 8:46:22 GMT
Thanks serenity. It will take me a few days to recalibrate. He acted differently towards me, which felt odd. Before NC he was texting one word responses if anything, but yesterday he was very responsive and he apologized several times. I guess it's not surprising after a deactivation of sorts. But then he called me and his affect was completely flat. I hardly recognized his voice. Very strange interaction. I know there's no point in trying to analyze him but it left me feeling weird. Time to get back to working on myself. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 15, 2019 20:13:41 GMT
I feel you, its so destabilising having contact before you are ready . Saw the ex at work yesterday, he made a big thing about flirting with someone in front of me. I woke up feeling something like rage. I feel so unsettled and afraid of losing it. I'm going to take the day off.
How are you doing today?
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Mainly just the grief of loss ATM. 
