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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 16:31:38 GMT
Trust me, I hear you. I don't foresee me being able to handle this over the long haul. I am really working on my exit strategy. I'm not completely there yet, but it is ever present on my mind. I have been single and stable before, and it was great, but it does get lonely, and sometimes you settle for less than ideal situations. So far, my situation has been more ideal than not which is why I have stayed for so long. The good has been really, really good. But that might change if this keeps up. We all have our limits. In a way, maybe my limit has to be fully reached before I can break away for good. I don't know. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it! I get that, every body does have a different tolerance limit. I was involved with someone who was hot /cold for a short time. It was lonelier than singledom just because it was so unreliable and mind bending. Ultimately, after one really ridiculous roller coaster ride I told him "Next time you reach out, know for sure if you're in or out and I'll let you know what my decision is." His response: " I don't know! I have fears." My response: "I'm sorry to hear that, I understand. I wish you the best moving forward as you address your limitations. I am finished engaging in an intimate relationship with you, and don't wish to continue the conversation. " Because, I was done. I had reached my limit with his inability to be consistent. It was absolutely destabilizing to so many things- the plan for the day, the basic courtesy I expect and can deliver, the forecast for the relationship. Always up in the air. Why bother with that? He was and is an adult. He knows all about therapy, relationship norms, etc etc. I didn't feel a need to educate him about all of that, he knows as a grown man that if he wants to maintain employment, he has to show up and offer consistent performance. How much more does that apply to a relationship? I am an avoidant fully aware of the dilemma. And, if I don't have a handle on it, I can't have a relationship that's worth a shit. Neither can he. I know my limits when it comes to tolerating instability. Everyone has to know theirs. We usually find out through a painful process but the great thing is, once you know, you know, and you break a cycle of what in hindsight will look truly insane to you. At least that was the case for me. Things I engaged with in the past appear insane to me. I can take credit for the work I have done to break that cycle of insanity. I only worked on myself though. The relationship I had before this one sounds like what you spoke about. It had gotten to the point of ridiculous and I also said, enough, I.Am.Done. It actually was easy at that point to walk away and not look back because it had gotten so disrespectful there was no option. Not to say that anyone should reach the point of utter and complete disrespect to walk away, because that means there was disrespect going on for a while before that final breaking point. I hate to admit how smug I felt months afterwards though, when he continually tried to contact me in many different ways and I completely ignored him with no second thoughts. It was such a full circle moment and I am not above saying how good it has felt to be the one with the upper hand now. I think I am going to ease out of my current situation. I know I am not ready to just pull the plug and walk away, but my mindset is I know there is no solid future. That helps me plan my own life and keep my own options open, so if another opportunity comes up that seems good, I will not turn it down, whereas I would have turned it down in the past based on hope for my current situation. I know what I am working with here, and it's someone who simply isn't able to stay consistent. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2019 18:58:13 GMT
A willingness to have the hard talk sometimes leaves you way open to manipulation, but not having the hard talk leaves you way more open, to be manipulated by your own emotional strings and those of another. This. It is hard to have these kinds of vulnerable conversations, but sometimes you really shouldn't be having them, if the other person is not safe. There is a part of me that regrets being as open as I was with my FA because manipulate he did. It was a challenge for me, and I could say in a way I pushed past any fears, but at the same time, he was not the person who deserved to be on the receiving end of that. It requires not just subjective trust but objective trust. Boundaries are not bad things. Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 20:23:27 GMT
This. It is hard to have these kinds of vulnerable conversations, but sometimes you really shouldn't be having them, if the other person is not safe. There is a part of me that regrets being as open as I was with my FA because manipulate he did. It was a challenge for me, and I could say in a way I pushed past any fears, but at the same time, he was not the person who deserved to be on the receiving end of that. It requires not just subjective trust but objective trust. Boundaries are not bad things. Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. The thing about those conversations though is an FA or DA will have a very difficult time doing them, and or fully listening and being present for it while it's going on. This happened many times with my ex Fa. Have a more serious conversation she will give eye contact and be there physically. But she has so much anxiety with it that she's checked out of the conversation and just doing and saying things to appease me. There are certain factors that just have to be taken into consideration as well. And also bringing it up and talking in a way that is safe and comfortable to them. Without them feeling it's shaming, or criticizing, etc. The other side of all of this is that my ex fa would say and do certain things with our conversations when things were going okay. But she would turn around and do exactly what she said she would never when she's de activated and completely inmeshed with whatever pattern was taking her over. Of course her brain also told her I am not to be trusted and percieved in a really negative light during de activation as well. So when you do too much then often it will just end up back firing too. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2019 21:29:15 GMT
Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. The thing about those conversations though is an FA or DA will have a very difficult time doing them, and or fully listening and being present for it while it's going on. This happened many times with my ex Fa. Have a more serious conversation she will give eye contact and be there physically. But she has so much anxiety with it that she's checked out of the conversation and just doing and saying things to appease me. There are certain factors that just have to be taken into consideration as well. And also bringing it up and talking in a way that is safe and comfortable to them. Without them feeling it's shaming, or criticizing, etc. The other side of all of this is that my ex fa would say and do certain things with our conversations when things were going okay. But she would turn around and do exactly what she said she would never when she's de activated and completely inmeshed with whatever pattern was taking her over. Of course her brain also told her I am not to be trusted and percieved in a really negative light during de activation as well. So when you do too much then often it will just end up back firing too. I'm diagnosed DA speaking from that perspective. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 27, 2019 22:17:36 GMT
This. It is hard to have these kinds of vulnerable conversations, but sometimes you really shouldn't be having them, if the other person is not safe. There is a part of me that regrets being as open as I was with my FA because manipulate he did. It was a challenge for me, and I could say in a way I pushed past any fears, but at the same time, he was not the person who deserved to be on the receiving end of that. It requires not just subjective trust but objective trust. Boundaries are not bad things. Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. I'd go so far as to say boundaries in actions go much further than words. When a person ghosts you without an honest explanation ( leaving you open to being replaced by someone new whilst being benched) and you make yourself fully available to them when they return, you're teaching them that their disrespect has no consequences. In NYC's situation, where she is still in love and still feeling a lot of hurt from recent ghostings, it may help to take little steps, on her terms. A good first step would be to not be so available when/if he reaches out again. Don't text back right away, blow him off for a few days or completely if if all he has to say is `hey babe'. This would feel a whole lot better than reaching out yet again with info about attachment theory and getting it ignored and it never spoken about IMO. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 22:32:48 GMT
Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. I'd go so far as to say boundaries in actions go much further than words. When a person ghosts you without an honest explanation ( leaving you open to being replaced by someone new whilst being benched) and you make yourself fully available to them when they return, you're teaching them that their disrespect has no consequences. In NYC's situation, where she is still in love and still feeling a lot of hurt from recent ghostings, it may help to take little steps, on her terms. A good first step would be to not be so available when/if he reaches out again. Don't text back right away, blow him off for a few days or completely if if all he has to say is `hey babe'. This would feel a whole lot better than reaching out yet again with info about attachment theory and getting it ignored and it never spoken about IMO. Yeap, my situation exactly. Never realized de activations could lead to that before. Or I guess I was just thinking it wouldn't for my situation and what I had with my fa ex. I think like you mentioned it would be good to not be so enthusiastic and open right away. But also talking about attachment theory and those deeper conversations are also better left in person too. And with a meeting then was set up and initiated by the ghoster themselves. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Oct 27, 2019 22:50:09 GMT
"I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward"
Interesting perspective. I guess I am one of the three. I hadn't considered the statistic we were forming here because I've been going through this non breakup breakup live. It's very true up there.
It's like watching myself 4 months ago...reading the OP posts.
Oh its an attachment thing. How does that present in a grown up? End up on here and try to figure out what to do and how to go about it. So much info. And the net says nothing really positive. Other than it's good for them to be with secures. Which frankly, is bringing me down!!
I feel as though Serenity and Stu are the other two posters. I believe we are all three secure swayed AP as it pertains to this relationshitttt. Per my testing anyway. Chime in different.
I hope things end up different for the OP as this breakup stinks. My unsolicited advice is rip the band aid off, sooner rather than later. I feel like I lost sight of myself for a little too long. I should have gone with my gut and headed what I read sooner. Although I am sure it would have hurt pretty badly then too.
I thought my non boyfriend boyfriend was DA too. I was informed otherwise here upon arrival as well. I think it takes much more digging to find FA info. Its supposedly more rare. Not from stories here tho (as recently discussed) My first FA. Not without good times and definitely a lesson in patience for me. Glass is half full. I really wish him well. Hes going to miss the shit outta me because I really was good to him and for him. Bittersweet.
I will never ever forget him. I can feel that in my bones. If he were more secure I would love him until the end of time. Really a smart, tender, funny & sexy man. But I'm going to really let him alone. I will only receive what I give. Or I will remain single. Non negotiable.
This has been a real rollercoaster. No other way to describe it. The highs are incredible. SO so good. But this push/pull. Ick. Someone else mentioned the extreme passion. Unlike anything I have ever encountered! Probably why I hung in so long. Just feel mind fucked, tbh.
Walking away, with love, is the right thing for me to do.
Healthy.
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Post by serenity on Oct 27, 2019 22:57:40 GMT
I'd go so far as to say boundaries in actions go much further than words. When a person ghosts you without an honest explanation ( leaving you open to being replaced by someone new whilst being benched) and you make yourself fully available to them when they return, you're teaching them that their disrespect has no consequences. In NYC's situation, where she is still in love and still feeling a lot of hurt from recent ghostings, it may help to take little steps, on her terms. A good first step would be to not be so available when/if he reaches out again. Don't text back right away, blow him off for a few days or completely if if all he has to say is `hey babe'. This would feel a whole lot better than reaching out yet again with info about attachment theory and getting it ignored and it never spoken about IMO. Yeap, my situation exactly. Never realized de activations could lead to that before. Or I guess I was just thinking it wouldn't for my situation and what I had with my fa ex. I think like you mentioned it would be good to not be so enthusiastic and open right away. But also talking about attachment theory and those deeper conversations are also better left in person too. And with a meeting then was set up and initiated by the ghoster themselves. Its distressing to think how that turned out Stu. I'm sorry that you had to go through that after giving so much trust, care and understanding  It won't work out with that guy, she's going around in circles. I think most of us feel very connected with our FA loved ones, saw some kind of awareness at times, and wanted to think the best of their intentions until we were proven wrong. But its the nature of ghosting, that you just don't know the reasons unless they communicate honestly. And because you don't know, its wise to protect yourself on your terms.... with being less available, detachment (if you're capable), with transforming the relationship into friendship only, with cutting off for a period or permanently..whatever it takes to feel stable and safe. I'm going for the friendship route with my ex because he's untrustworthy with my heart. And this is how is going to be: if he blows me off and ignores me, he's getting ignored double as much. If he acts respectful, I will reward him. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2019 23:54:36 GMT
"I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward" Interesting perspective. I guess I am one of the three. I hadn't considered the statistic we were forming here because I've been going through this non breakup breakup live. It's very true up there. It's like watching myself 4 months ago...reading the OP posts. Oh its an attachment thing. How does that present in a grown up? End up on here and try to figure out what to do and how to go about it. So much info. And the net says nothing really positive. Other than it's good for them to be with secures. Which frankly, is bringing me down!! I feel as though Serenity and Stu are the other two posters. I believe we are all three secure swayed AP as it pertains to this relationshitttt. Per my testing anyway. Chime in different. I hope things end up different for the OP as this breakup stinks. My unsolicited advice is rip the band aid off, sooner rather than later. I feel like I lost sight of myself for a little too long. I should have gone with my gut and headed what I read sooner. Although I am sure it would have hurt pretty badly then too. I thought my non boyfriend boyfriend was DA too. I was informed otherwise here upon arrival as well. I think it takes much more digging to find FA info. Its supposedly more rare. Not from stories here tho (as recently discussed) My first FA. Not without good times and definitely a lesson in patience for me. Glass is half full. I really wish him well. Hes going to miss the shit outta me because I really was good to him and for him. Bittersweet. I will never ever forget him. I can feel that in my bones. If he were more secure I would love him until the end of time. Really a smart, tender, funny & sexy man. But I'm going to really let him alone. I will only receive what I give. Or I will remain single. Non negotiable. This has been a real rollercoaster. No other way to describe it. The highs are incredible. SO so good. But this push/pull. Ick. Someone else mentioned the extreme passion. Unlike anything I have ever encountered! Probably why I hung in so long. Just feel mind fucked, tbh. Walking away, with love, is the right thing for me to do. Healthy. Yes, I had you jules , serenity , and stu in mind when I wrote this but didn't mean to call anyone out or be disrespectful about your loss. As an observer; it's been hard to watch. It is as you described. Optimism-altruism-betrayal-intense pain. As a DA, it also reflects my original developmental trauma, which is neglect. The DA thread in the general forum describes DA attachment arising from absent caregivers, lack of nurture, etc. Signal cry turns off or down. So, it makes me want to fight and protect when I see the ghosting and neglect. The next I see in line, are Caroline caro and NYC. nyc718 I am only advocating for a voice, maybe I am advocating for a signal cry from you guys because mine got turned off and it left me abandoned. I don't know how to say it. I have been alone. I am awake to that now and the grief of my life is deep and dark. The anger, at being ignored by my parents. I have conflicting emotions about it. They were damaged, broken, wounded. But I needed them, I needed them to see me, understand me, care about my needs. I see neglect in all this ghosting and absenteeism and I empathize with it, for the ones left behind. Anyway, I hate this process right now for myself. I am in pain also. My whole life, it's done so much damage. I now have safe relationships that can shelter me but now the awareness has brought literal nightmares to me and I just am tired. Anyway. I won't say any more, it is what it is. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 28, 2019 0:22:07 GMT
Boundaries are good things. I have had vulnerable conversations with unsafe people also, and. through the process discovered that a lack of boundaries on my part allowed the disrespectful and unsafe behavior from that guy all along. It was always there, and it took what it took for me to make the boundaries going forward. I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward. I'd go so far as to say boundaries in actions go much further than words. When a person ghosts you without an honest explanation ( leaving you open to being replaced by someone new whilst being benched) and you make yourself fully available to them when they return, you're teaching them that their disrespect has no consequences. In NYC's situation, where she is still in love and still feeling a lot of hurt from recent ghostings, it may help to take little steps, on her terms. A good first step would be to not be so available when/if he reaches out again. Don't text back right away, blow him off for a few days or completely if if all he has to say is `hey babe'. This would feel a whole lot better than reaching out yet again with info about attachment theory and getting it ignored and it never spoken about IMO. I am already on it! In fact, I can't wait until he texts me again, just so I can take my sweet time replying, if at all, depending on what he does text me. I feel like if I get the opportunity to see him again, I will take it so he can take one last look. I can't guarantee I will be strong enough to resist his pull at that moment, but I DO know that things have changed for me, there is a shift in me. I am envisioning a future without him in a way I wasn't able to before. It's still painful, but the fact that I can do that is a huge step for me. It was almost overwhelming for me to think in this way, but this time, it seems more attainable, less cloudy, more optimistic. And I know a huge part of that is also knowing that he just won't change (unless he does his own work). And since he won't change, he will never have a satisfying relationship, whereas I can (IF I can meet that non-FA/DA/AP man :-p) |
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jules
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Post by jules on Oct 28, 2019 0:34:25 GMT
"I've seen three posters recently be blindsided by the lack of regard and care their FA showed them. Three, who were understanding, tolerant, altruistic, and in the end got treated without regard, which was lacking for the entire involvement in some way or another. In my mind, whatever conversation makes that clear is a good conversation, if it causes one to get in touch with the reality of the person and situation and act in a way to competently protect themselves going forward" Interesting perspective. I guess I am one of the three. I hadn't considered the statistic we were forming here because I've been going through this non breakup breakup live. It's very true up there. It's like watching myself 4 months ago...reading the OP posts. Oh its an attachment thing. How does that present in a grown up? End up on here and try to figure out what to do and how to go about it. So much info. And the net says nothing really positive. Other than it's good for them to be with secures. Which frankly, is bringing me down!! I feel as though Serenity and Stu are the other two posters. I believe we are all three secure swayed AP as it pertains to this relationshitttt. Per my testing anyway. Chime in different. I hope things end up different for the OP as this breakup stinks. My unsolicited advice is rip the band aid off, sooner rather than later. I feel like I lost sight of myself for a little too long. I should have gone with my gut and headed what I read sooner. Although I am sure it would have hurt pretty badly then too. I thought my non boyfriend boyfriend was DA too. I was informed otherwise here upon arrival as well. I think it takes much more digging to find FA info. Its supposedly more rare. Not from stories here tho (as recently discussed) My first FA. Not without good times and definitely a lesson in patience for me. Glass is half full. I really wish him well. Hes going to miss the shit outta me because I really was good to him and for him. Bittersweet. I will never ever forget him. I can feel that in my bones. If he were more secure I would love him until the end of time. Really a smart, tender, funny & sexy man. But I'm going to really let him alone. I will only receive what I give. Or I will remain single. Non negotiable. This has been a real rollercoaster. No other way to describe it. The highs are incredible. SO so good. But this push/pull. Ick. Someone else mentioned the extreme passion. Unlike anything I have ever encountered! Probably why I hung in so long. Just feel mind fucked, tbh. Walking away, with love, is the right thing for me to do. Healthy. Yes, I had you jules , serenity , and stu in mind when I wrote this but didn't mean to call anyone out or be disrespectful about your loss. As an observer; it's been hard to watch. It is as you described. Optimism-altruism-betrayal-intense pain. As a DA, it also reflects my original developmental trauma, which is neglect. The DA thread in the general forum describes DA attachment arising from absent caregivers, lack of nurture, etc. Signal cry turns off or down. So, it makes me want to fight and protect when I see the ghosting and neglect. The next I see in line, are Caroline caro and NYC. nyc718 I am only advocating for a voice, maybe I am advocating for a signal cry from you guys because mine got turned off and it left me abandoned. I don't know how to say it. I have been alone. I am awake to that now and the grief of my life is deep and dark. The anger, at being ignored by my parents. I have conflicting emotions about it. They were damaged, broken, wounded. But I needed them, I needed them to see me, understand me, care about my needs. I see neglect in all this ghosting and absenteeism and I empathize with it, for the ones left behind. Anyway, I hate this process right now for myself. I am in pain also. My whole life, it's done so much damage. I now have safe relationships that can shelter me but now the awareness has brought literal nightmares to me and I just am tired. Anyway. I won't say any more, it is what it is. It isn't disrespectful to me at all but thank you for saying that. It is precisely what it is. Always, isn't it? I hope you find peace and healing, I can only begin to imagine the exhaustion. The awareness is really a huge step! Things take time. And time is a tincture. But it cannot be rushed. Everyone should be more gentle with themselves. My Sponsor repeatedly tells me to take the whip off my back. Its sage advice for many. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2019 0:49:15 GMT
Incidentally; the pleasing, non confrontational behavior that I think I see operating that is related to survival in CPTSD is fawning. It's in an article I posted in the general forum when I was posting as sherry. It's an anxious adaptation to mitigate a threat (or loss, of caregiver).
My adaptation is giving up, resignation (to loss and no caregiver). In that I have been unable to form close bonds until more recently. There hasn't been hot/cold.
I could see a secure flip to fawning that looks like secure to them, because it isn't protest behavior fight/flight.
In case it provides any insight. I know the three who say they are secure and then appeased and were accommodating to FA's who harmed them all have painful childhood experiences.
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Post by stu on Oct 28, 2019 1:04:48 GMT
Incidentally; the pleasing, non confrontational behavior that I think I see operating that is related to survival in CPTSD is fawning. It's in an article I posted in the general forum when I was posting as sherry. It's an anxious adaptation to mitigate a threat (or loss, of caregiver). My adaptation is giving up, resignation (to loss and no caregiver). In that I have been unable to form close bonds until more recently. There hasn't been hot/cold. I could see a secure flip to fawning that looks like secure to them, because it isn't protest behavior fight/flight. In case it provides any insight. I know the three who say they are secure and then appeased and were accommodating to FA's who harmed them all have painful childhood experiences. Yeap, I am mostly secure but I had a pretty painful and dysfunctional childhood. And so I try to stick around and see the best in people and give them an honest chance sometimes to the extent it becomes a detriment to myself. Yes my ex fa was and is being extremely neglectful towards me too, and extremely messed up. Especially considering how great I was towards her and all I demonstrated for her as well. Then cycling back to a guy that treated her like shit and is an all around bad partner to be attached to. I am sorry to hear about your struggles as well, just saw the other post and empathize a lot with your situation. For someone that was once diagnosed DA you seem to be much more over that and able to vocalize a lot for yourself and be more strongly in tune with your own feelings. I am sure that is a very empowering thing to have now along with the enhanced self awareness. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 28, 2019 1:12:21 GMT
Incidentally; the pleasing, non confrontational behavior that I think I see operating that is related to survival in CPTSD is fawning. It's in an article I posted in the general forum when I was posting as sherry. It's an anxious adaptation to mitigate a threat (or loss, of caregiver). My adaptation is giving up, resignation (to loss and no caregiver). In that I have been unable to form close bonds until more recently. There hasn't been hot/cold. I could see a secure flip to fawning that looks like secure to them, because it isn't protest behavior fight/flight. In case it provides any insight. I know the three who say they are secure and then appeased and were accommodating to FA's who harmed them all have painful childhood experiences. Isn't it the case though, that any secure can exhibit anxious behaviors because of what their partners bring out in them, just as an FA's traits will vary according to who they are with and what that partner brings out. I don't believe there is such thing as a secure who is never insecure. Anyone can be manipulated to some extent. People can cause other people to react a certain way sometimes, but secures are more quick to recognize when the boundaries aren't healthy and quickly act on it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2019 1:15:24 GMT
Incidentally; the pleasing, non confrontational behavior that I think I see operating that is related to survival in CPTSD is fawning. It's in an article I posted in the general forum when I was posting as sherry. It's an anxious adaptation to mitigate a threat (or loss, of caregiver). My adaptation is giving up, resignation (to loss and no caregiver). In that I have been unable to form close bonds until more recently. There hasn't been hot/cold. I could see a secure flip to fawning that looks like secure to them, because it isn't protest behavior fight/flight. In case it provides any insight. I know the three who say they are secure and then appeased and were accommodating to FA's who harmed them all have painful childhood experiences. Yeap, I am mostly secure but I had a pretty painful and dysfunctional childhood. And so I try to stick around and see the best in people and give them an honest chance sometimes to the extent it becomes a detriment to myself. Yes my ex fa was and is being extremely neglectful towards me too, and extremely messed up. Especially considering how great I was towards her and all I demonstrated for her as well. Then cycling back to a guy that treated her like shit and is an all around bad partner to be attached to. I am sorry to hear about your struggles as well, just saw the other post and empathize a lot with your situation. For someone that was once diagnosed DA you seem to be much more over that and able to vocalize a lot for yourself and be more strongly in tune with your own feelings. I am sure that is a very empowering thing to have now along with the enhanced self awareness. I have known about and learned about attachment theory for a few years, and even had some therapy for it at some points. However, I have had a very cognitive relationship with it, and it has gotten me farther than no relationship with AT, for sure. It was only recently that I found SE (Somatic Experiencing) therapy (or, it found me.) Along with SE is a therapy called Dynamic Attachment Repatterning, Developed by Peter Levine and Diane Poole Heller. My therapist is unthawing my avoidant adaptation through those approaches. Through SE and DARe O have received the official avoidant diagnosis. My avoidant adaptation is very deep and has been a real treasure for my therapist to work with, (lol- because I'm like a rare animal to find in a therapist office for attachment) and I am not out of the woods. It's been an intense process. The cognitive understanding allows me to articulate and gain awareness but has not stopped the deactivation. There are improvements but it is still an auto response in my nervous system. So, I am waking up to grief and anger that has been out of my awareness for a long time. Anyway- do be aware of the CPTSD responses, they can catch you unaware. Best to you on your forward progress through your grief and trauma, as well. |
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It won't work out with that guy, she's going around in circles.