So what's the best way to talk about FA to an unaware FA?

I've done this twice. It didn't matter either time.

My serious FA ex responded by saying humans are irrational and he wasn't open to discussing it. He's trying very hard to be friends with me again now, and I've never brought up attachment theory again, but he has gotten triggered by misunderstanding things I've said from time to time. Things that were about others that he assumed were about him. He's snapped at me, stop analyzing me! And reminded me he'll never change. Again, when we were talking about stuff that had nothing to do with him. We've been broken up for years now. It's fine now, I have zero expectations he'll ever change and I'm okay with being friends.

The other guy I mentioned it to was extremely open to hearing it (I've written about it here before, I didn't tell him in the context of our relationship or changing or even dating). When I ended things, he even said that he really wanted look into it and was intending to, and then... basically never spoke to me again. I'd hoped we could eventually be friendly, and he said something to the effect of wanting the same, but after the fact seemed to have no interest. While it didn't accomplish anything for our connection, I do feel good about mentioning it to him as maybe it will help him one day. He knew he was struggling and did seem open to figuring himself out but was lost at where to start. I remember when I was that way and a starting point would have really helped me.

It seems like it varies depending on the individual. But remember, awareness is only a small step in the right direction. It will not guarantee they will change. It will not guarantee the person you loved at the beginning will come back.

Just my observations:

1. The attachment problems stem from the subconscious. Rather than say “I sabotage my relationships, there is something wrong with me”, they often think “the partner I found was wrong for me, I just need to find The One!” Or “My unavailable ex was The One!”

2. FAs are afraid of engulfment or being controlled, a feeling they get when they get too intimate. Unaware FAs do not understand this feeling is because their subconscious is distancing them from their partners. Trying to talk to an FA about Attachment Theory can come across as trying to “control” or “manipulate” them, which can backfire. There is a good chance they will think “you want to change me, because you don’t love me for who I am.”

3. Changing your attachment style is possible (one in four people change, over four years, according to Amir Levine’s “Attached”). BUT a lot of Avoidant people do not want to change. Their ability to suppress their emotions makes them able to cope every day without pain and makes them very successful at work. Changing attachment styles is a slow process that is extremely hard to do without recognising a problem, wanting to change, and without a professional to guide you.

I’ve seen this question posted quite a few times, I would recommend reading up the other threads in the previous pages as well. Like this one.

It’s hard to change someone else, so I’ve had to accept it is much easier to change yourself. I’m an AP working towards secure. I’ve come to the conclusion that even though I love my ex FA more than anything in the world, the best think I can do for him is to leave him alone. If he comes back to me, with a willingness to change, I will talk to him about this. But for now, I will recognise Avoidants so I will never have to date another one again.

persephone Yes, yes and yes.

If I listened to everything that was going on inside me, I’d be totally ineffective, just like my mother, who has been on a pension since 1975.

I realised really early on that I had to just get on with it. It hasn’t always been the case, but there’s no success, materially or otherwise in listening to my internal cr*p.

Just thinking about it, maybe that’s the genesis of shutting down and why the therapy that @inmourning and tnr9 are engaged in is useful....

Hahaha, avoidants probably don't want to change anywhere NEAR as much as you want us to. And, yes to everything persephone said. It actually can come down to incompatibility, even if you don't want to see it that way and think of someone could just make the improvements/self help steps YOU think they should.

I'm happy with my life and relationships where they are, I haven't changed from DA/Secure necessarily although I have a lot of secure behaviors and relationship skills. My therapist said it's a matter of integrating, not leaving behind, my deep avoidant traits. They are instinctive and serve me well in a lot of ways, and I like who and what I am. Instead of totally reinventing me, I've been able to grow and choose compatible, loving relationships. I guarantee I won't ever be amenable to what some here say is their idea of a "secure" relationship (because of the emotional encroachment and lack of boundaries on THEIR part I see them writing about) and I would not expect anyone to come over to my way of being, either.

Bottom line, I don't think this is that hard. Truly. If a person is healthy enough to recognize an incompatible partner and not try to change them, then they are healthy enough to find a compatible one. All the attachment drama that surrounds it won't be there.

It's good that you see it this way. It's painful but many things that require acceptance are.

What I would add, for your sake, is this. Be willing to have the hard talks, even if the person you are talking to doesn't have the skills. A two month breakup requires a conversation. You may have found out critical information during the conversation, or because no conversation could be had.

Don't sweep unhealthy behavior under the rug in the name of supporting, or understanding. I think a lot of people here have "understood" something completely erroneous, simply evidenced by outcomes.

Enabling is not the way to go. What is left unsaid is usually what would be the most informative.

A willingness to have the hard talk sometimes leaves you way open to manipulation, but not having the hard talk leaves you way more open, to be manipulated by your own emotional strings and those of another. These situations are unhealthy and you need some basic skills to navigate them. The skill of conflict resolution and authentic communication around discomfort ironically, often will spell the end of the drama and terminate a sick relationship. Less time invested in an illusion, is good.

Only you can decide when enough is enough, really. The fluctuation between "I think it might be over" and "We actually talked last night and it was nice" is dizzying. I've been there before, and just believe it's a shit way to live a life. I'd rather be single and stable and able to maintain a steady emotional thermostat than to have someone close to me flipping switches hot and cold all the time.