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Post by dhali on Oct 30, 2019 18:04:51 GMT
I have. I don’t see what the problem or stigma is all about. You meet up, get drinks, flirt, or don’t. It’s just meeting another person.
Having said that, I’ve been coming to the conclusion that it’s tough to get things rolling there because there is no history or other friendship/acquaintance bond. So much of it is about timing and chemistry.
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Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 18:28:51 GMT
It's not so much about the stigma. As 8675309 said in another thread, there are tons of avoidant/insecure people on the apps. I met my secure bf on myspace many years ago and have met most of my other partners (of several years) on okcupid or similar sites but it's true that a lot of people are looking for casual relationships. I don't want to set myself up for failure. |
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Red flags
Oct 30, 2019 18:35:39 GMT
via mobile
Post by dhali on Oct 30, 2019 18:35:39 GMT
I’ve gone on many dates, but the only avoidant that I know I’ve been with was a friend before we got together.
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 30, 2019 20:43:18 GMT
It's not so much about the stigma. As 8675309 said in another thread, there are tons of avoidant/insecure people on the apps. I met my secure bf on myspace many years ago and have met most of my other partners (of several years) on okcupid or similar sites but it's true that a lot of people are looking for casual relationships. I don't want to set myself up for failure. There are no more avoidants on dating apps than there are in the general population, in fact there are fewer. www.researchgate.net/publication/325833520_Attached_to_dating_apps_Attachment_orientations_and_preferences_for_dating_appsEveryone I know under 50 uses dating apps, except a handful of the avoidants. I know secure married couples who met on Tinder. Dating apps aren't the problem, I think it's just that if you are drawn to avoidants you will be drawn to avoidants even on dating apps. It's good to learn how to filter out people who are only looking for something casual, regardless of where you meet them, but I don't think that the best way to filter that is by not using dating apps. I meet DAs and FAs who are not capable of a serious relationship organically in person too. Meeting someone in person rather than through an app can even make me less likely to ask the right questions early on. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 30, 2019 21:19:56 GMT
I wonder if anyone has had positive experiences with online dating? I do know quite a few people who met their partners online and it seem more common now but perhaps I’ve been going about things all wrong. Did they meet through dating apps, or via online hobbies/gaming that sort of thing? I will never be on dating apps. |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 21:27:42 GMT
Thanks for the article happyidiot. Most people I know under 50 use them too, which is why I was surprised to hear so much negative feedback here. As I said above, I would likely be waiting years to meet a single guy through friends or just randomly on the street. I'm pretty introverted and I don't get many people asking me out on a regular basis. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was asked out by someone IRL. Using apps does take time and effort, but it seems like my best option at this point. I just need to be really cautious and use the list serenity posted above. |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 21:28:45 GMT
I wonder if anyone has had positive experiences with online dating? I do know quite a few people who met their partners online and it seem more common now but perhaps I’ve been going about things all wrong. Did they meet through dating apps, or via online hobbies/gaming that sort of thing? I will never be on dating apps. The people I know met on tinder or bumble. My best friend is getting married to a guy she met on tinder. Former roommate met her long-term bf on bumble. It seems to be very common these days. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 30, 2019 21:32:45 GMT
How many avoidants are actually aware enough to answer that app survey? Most insecure attached are unaware. Even on this forum many here are 35+ and finally getting aware. Average age of uses on Tinder users is 18-34 and less than 5% of users across all sites is the 45+.
You all do what you need to do.  I gave my personal experience and what Ive researched. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 30, 2019 21:59:24 GMT
I wonder if anyone has had positive experiences with online dating? I do know quite a few people who met their partners online and it seem more common now but perhaps I’ve been going about things all wrong. - For me personally no relationship from a dating app has lasted over 4 months. They always ask to see me again or continue the relationship, but for one reason or another I wasn’t happy w them. I do know many people including my brother and best friend who met future spouses online. It’s just a convenient, although artificial way of meeting people you’d otherwise never connect with... |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 22:09:06 GMT
I had a 2-year relationship with someone I met on okcupid and 6 months with someone else from another app. I think my own perspective is skewed because my FA ex is the only person I've met through friends, and that didn't go well at all. I feel like relationships can go wrong no matter how you meet.
Those who don't use apps - do you find that you meet more secures through your social circles or meeting randomly in public or at a bar for example?
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Post by alexandra on Oct 30, 2019 22:38:00 GMT
I had a 2-year relationship with someone I met on okcupid and 6 months with someone else from another app. I think my own perspective is skewed because my FA ex is the only person I've met through friends, and that didn't go well at all. I feel like relationships can go wrong no matter how you meet. Those who don't use apps - do you find that you meet more secures through your social circles or meeting randomly in public or at a bar for example? I find apps don't work for me at all. However, if you're insecurely attached-styled then chances are most of your social circle is too, so I've had equally bad experiences either way. But I usually have a lot more in common with the people I meet offline, and the exceptions to this online turned out to be people connected through my extended social circle anyway. So it's less of a matter of how you're meeting, as long as you find common interests with the online people (I tend not to, but I think that's reflective of where I live more generally being heavily dominated by one industry and personality-type), and more a matter of trusting yourself enough to walk away when something feels off or you see insecure attachment red flags... and not getting stuck in a scarcity mindset about it and sticking around with someone (avoidant, in your case) because you're afraid you won't meet someone else more compatible. I found in my last go around online that about a third of the guys I met in person seemed secure/stable. |
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Red flags
Oct 30, 2019 23:27:57 GMT
via mobile
Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 23:27:57 GMT
You’re right alexandra. Everything you said makes sense. In the city where I used to live, there was a vibe from the people on apps that didn’t work for me. To be perfectly honest I hate online dating!!! It takes so much time and energy. But I guess the reality is that I don’t meet new guys in person now at all, hardly ever. I have female friends here and my solitary hobbies but that’s pretty much it. I work from home and don’t really meet people through work. Trying to connect with a stranger at a bar doesn’t seem like a great plan. So it’s tough to even know how I would meet someone, and then the chances of them being single and sparking a mutual interest seem to be pretty low. I’m not going to count it out though. I’m making an effort to be more social these days.
Also, I guess saying that I met my ex through friends is sort of misleading because it was more like acquaintances. We only really had one friend in common and she was more like an acquaintance to me. I’ve moved 3 times in my adult life and have left behind my friend groups each time. It gets harder to start over as I get older.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 30, 2019 23:36:47 GMT
Ive come across secure and anxious types. FA was my first avoidant. Ive met three guys at a bar, one was 3 years, second was a FWB for about 1.5 years and third was a 5 year. All good relationships. One I went to see my friend that was working, second was a bouncer and third it was a company type party at a bar. Dont rule out a bar. I didnt go to a bar intending on ever meeting anyone and look what happened! LOL men always come in when Im Not looking.
The FWB things was a time in both our lives its all we wanted and it worked for us. It just happened.
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Red flags
Oct 30, 2019 23:45:28 GMT
via mobile
Post by iz42 on Oct 30, 2019 23:45:28 GMT
Ive come across secure and anxious types. FA was my first avoidant. Ive met three guys at a bar, one was 3 years, second was a FWB for about 1.5 years and third was a 5 year. All good relationships. One I went to see my friend that was working, second was a bouncer and third it was a company type party at a bar. Dont rule out a bar. I didnt go to a bar intending on ever meeting anyone and look what happened! LOL men always come in when Im Not looking.
The FWB things was a time in both our lives its all we wanted and it worked for us. It just happened.
Hmm, that’s interesting. After dating a pretty severe alcoholic I’m extra wary of bars right now. But it’s good to know that it works out sometimes |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 31, 2019 8:25:03 GMT
I know that just because it doesn’t work for others here, that doesn’t mean online dating is worthless, but I admit it feels discouraging. I was happy about getting out there and meeting some new people and having a chance to set some boundaries. I think I’m just going to have to try it even if it’s not the optimal way to meet a secure partner. I’ll try to combine it with other methods. If anyone has dating advice for an introvert who has an all-female friend group, please let me know!!
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I gave my personal experience and what Ive researched.
