Red flags

Not necessarily AP style. I’m AP but that doesn’t come out until I have strong feelings for someone. The men I’ve dated have always wanted to move faster than me- being an AP people pleaser, if I liked the guy a lot, I’d oblige. However, I’ve never been the one to push for more or to be in a committed relationship in the beginning. 4 months later when I’ve fallen? AP signs abound.
I suggest taking it very slowly- those attachment patterns and behaviors may not surface for 4 months to a year.

Yeah, that's a great question. i don't feel like he's over-sharing right now but it's something I'm going to need to keep a close eye on. 

I've met so many people who are able to hide their character flaws and mental health issues during the honeymoon period I would be unable to date strangers, I would have to be freinds first, and really know a person before i even agreed to a date. Probably through a solid social/peer group where others could vouch for their reputation. That's how I met my long term SO of 15 years. I met him through a social group where if you had a history of cheating, flaking, abuse, mental health issues or drug use, everyone knew about it.

That's interesting. Meeting through friends would be ideal, but I've moved around a lot and I haven't been in this city long enough to have a large friend group. If I didn't date online, I would likely be waiting for months or years to meet someone interesting and available. Ironically, my FA ex is my only long term partner I've ever met through friends. I think you're right that dating strangers is risky but I don't know how to avoid this, especially now that I'm in my late 30s and so many people are already paired up. 

Yeah I hear you iz42. I suppose there are red flags for avoidants?. Like pushing to start ambiguous casual sexual relationships before even committing to be involved? I think holding off sex is a good boundary, unless you're tough as nails! On the other hand, a rebound might be good, if you both are on the same page.

I'm incapable of the online dating thing, but I can see why people do it.

I found this list! Not sure if it covers everything, but a good reminder anyway:


Dating a Love Avoidant - The Warning Signs

1. Sends mixed signals; seems unreliable; words are incongruous to their actions (e.g., does/says one thing, and then soon after does/says the opposite).


2. Comes on very strong; is seductive, overly charming, flattering, and flirtatious; may quickly say, “I love you,” “You’re so perfect”, “Where have you been all my life,” etc.; may portray a “perfect/idealistic future together”; and/or quickly pressures you for commitment or loyalty.


3. Communication is foggy or vague; talks in roundabout terms about present circumstances or in sharing of past relationship/’s; seems secretive or mysterious.


4. Has not been in committed relationship for a long period (years); he/she may attribute his/her long-term single status to external circumstances, such as not meeting “the perfect one”, or needing an “ideal textbook love partner / relationship”; (consider this sign if they are over 30).


5. Drinks, smokes pot, or does drugs excessively; and/or is a workaholic; or has some other apparent addiction or compulsion (gambling, porn, etc.).


6. Appears controlling; wants you to change your look (clothes, hair, etc.), or change what you do (your work, social activities, who you spend time with, etc.); may constantly text or call; expects/demands all of your time, especially on his/her terms-- may become angry, distant, moody or cold if you don’t respond.


7. Fiercely values independence, freedom, or self-reliance (he/she may or may not state this).


8. Wants or prefers casual sex; is okay having “friends with benefits”; words/discussions lean more on sexually connecting, much less on taking time to get to know one another; may try to pressure you to be physical/sexual.


9. Devalues, criticizes, even in subtle ways; may say or do things which make you feel inferior, incompetent, unworthy; may use sarcasm and claim ”I’m just teasing”, as a method to demean you. May also degrade or speak negatively of others, previous partners, etc.


10. Reluctant to introduce friends or family members (especially troublesome after two or three months);; may be hesitant to share his living environment * if kids are involved, flexibility should be given as he/she may be considering child’s well-being, feeling it is too early for their kid/’s to meet someone new until a relationship is established.


11. Seems distrustful or suspicious of others, past partners, you; fear of being used, or taken advantage of.


12. Says or implies, “I don’t think I’m ready for a commitment”, “I’m not good at relationships, “the timing is not right.”


13. Is married or in a current romantic relationship; history of cheating, affair/’s in past relationship/’s; may justify or defend reasons for behavior (e.g., “She/he was crazy,” “We didn't get along, it was over anyway”, “he/she never wanted sex”). * If person says, “I’changed” or “I’m different today,” w/o doing any counseling/therapy for lengthy period- do not believe it.


14. Conversation is consistently all about him/her; asks few questions about you, your life, family, work, interests, etc.; and/or seems checked out mentally during conversations.


15. Is uncomfortable when you communicate candidly-- your feelings, needs, wants, or desires in about what you are looking for in relationship partner. You may say, “It’s important for me to have a partner who’s supportive, I can rely on, and wants to grow together”-- pay attention to their response; if he/she responds by ignoring, discounting, quickly changing subject, or says for example, “You’re so sensitive/demanding/serious”, etc., count this as a big early warning sign. * This Warning Sign May Be The Most Important, pay close attention.

You could always just ask if they know about attachment theory. Its something to talk about getting to know each other. Id say its a good time to talk about something like that as there is not any attachment yet.

Ive had general conversations with several people about it just chatting.

I have two secure friends that would swing anxious while Im the secure that would swing avoidant. They understand themselves just like I do. We all have sides. Ive never swung anxious until my FA. Also just because one is secure doesn't mean there are not any red flags. Red flags are red flags no matter what the attachment is.

I met a guy fairly recently that is a secure but he sure has an anxious side and very hyper. Drinks too much too. He can communicate, etc but still has red flags for me. I cant be with a drinker and someone so hyper, I need a more mellow guy.