Post by jules on Nov 8, 2019 0:38:52 GMT
Sorry it took so long to write. New job and being sick has been all consuming.
So the long and the short of it is he reached back out ( where I left off. Wanting to return my stuff) and I point blank asked him why he reached out. He told me bc he could, and "why not?" Because he was not going to "discard a very cool and intriguing connection we have built"
I said we need to address the elephant in the room. To which he replied:
"The "Elephant in the room" was addressed by me months ago. I'm single. I've never been married. I'm not interested in being in a relationship. Not just you specifically, anyone. You've always been free to do whatever you want when you want. OK. I enjoy our friendship very much. I enjoy your company and learning about you. I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. So, again, if you wish to not be my friend or want to hang out, I fully understand. I reached out because I care about you too. So, please, if you are interested in still being in my crazy world, tell me. If not, tell me. OK."
He has not said this since Feb. I was stunned. And I did not reply. Then he got nervous and began texting a couple hours later. Asking if I was dismissing him? I told him no and he subsequently came over. When he arrived he tried to kiss me and I told him I don't kiss my friends like that. He made a joke. I changed gears and suggested a walk. We walked all over town for hours. Him trying to kiss me everywhere and I let him. As great as that day was going, the possibility of it was snuffed out by his words to me and it had a sad undertone. I remarked how hes just then wanting his cake and eat it too. Again. No response
Later I told him that I think he does want a relationship but he doesn't know how. I told him that this thing of his is not unlike my having to get sober. Its negatively impacting his life like my drinking was. And that he had to do something about it on his own, and that I could not help him and that it essentially requires the rewiring of his brain.
He said nothing. He tried to kiss me again. I let him. He subsequently stayed the night. But he awoke to so early. I believe his dreams bother him a great deal and he has sleep issues, established. I told him if he wanted yo leave (@ 3am) he could. I knew he needed to regulate himself. And I'm a understanding girl. I feel for him, I do.
So, he has made it very clear. He does not want a relationship. And while that initially stung, when I broke up with him about a month ago, slowly but surely in those 2 weeks I began to notice a shift in my attachment to him. I see the writing on the wall here. Always have I pay attention to what I read here. I've known pretty much all along that this is not to be. No matter how much I would have liked it to be. It's not.
Oddly he has been very chatty since and has continued to text each day since (sunday)
We have not discussed it any further and honestly there is nothing left to discuss. Is there?
I have been chatting simultaneously with the other man I was supposed to go out with two weeks ago. He too fell ill. And without even having met him, and in two weeks 3 weeks time we have talked about far more in depth things in a relational way. Hes a mush. He's *not emotionally unavailable. And hes a far better candidate for my heart. Not to say that hes got it. Hardly, I just can see a night and day difference between these two. He is more so like, um all the other secures ove affiliated with. Who knows?It may very well crash and burn but it has restored some faith in someday finding someone who wants a thing. Is *capable of a thing.
I will likely remain friends with the FA but I cannot continue to put apples in that basket. I think hes truly conflicted as indicated by his sheer panic when I did not respond to his diatribe Showing up. Texting every day (although we always had regular contact, hes not as far on the spectrum as some of the FAs I read about here)
I know the research says he wants a relationship but fear and discomfort from dysregulation makes him uneasy. Not his fault. But I want more.
It has really made me very AP to be with him. I test so with regard to him and as stated a bit avoidant with regard to my mother, secure otherwise. He landed me square in the middle of that anxious box. I am uncomfortable there. I imagine that feeling is not entirely different than how he may feel uncomfortable, perhaps not in the same way, but uncomfy none the less.
It's not healthy for me. I don't like it and I have been battling letting him go for months now. Like what in the actual fuck am I even thinking? This is not like me. I guess because for all intents he is otherwise delightful in so many facets (dating, of which I do a lot, is not brought me men of this caliber to be honest in the last 2 years) He is very bright and witty and tremendously patient and seemingly solid. I admire his poise and gentleness. He actually smoothes me out live and in person. It's the leaving me home Saturday night after Saturday night alone that irks me. I'm a beautiful woman, I wanna get dressed and go out once in a while. I was in a shit marriage for a dozen years and when that asshat left I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of vodka where I hardly ever drank before.
I know what I want and hat I need as a grown woman and hes clearly not it. And he makes it CRYSTAL clear. And it's not at all me, it's entirely him.
I'm not perfect by any means but I am a pretty darn good catch, sober. Lol.
I have my quirks and I can be a happy go lucky idiot, but I am really very comfortable with me and am very happy for all intents.
This was eroding my happiness.
Who the heck knows what will happen? But it's safe to say *this is not happening*. Hes not changing anytime soon. And I dont have time to kill. I want my person. I want to do the stuff people do togethet, love and grow, organically. Eventually co habitate. No more marriage tho. Lol. Good there!
I cant imagine a more succinct text to exemplify the sentiments of an FA than what he sent me. I really hope it helps someone here.
Thanks for reading! Sorry I have been MIA. Hope everyone is really good!
xx
Jules
So the long and the short of it is he reached back out ( where I left off. Wanting to return my stuff) and I point blank asked him why he reached out. He told me bc he could, and "why not?" Because he was not going to "discard a very cool and intriguing connection we have built"
I said we need to address the elephant in the room. To which he replied:
"The "Elephant in the room" was addressed by me months ago. I'm single. I've never been married. I'm not interested in being in a relationship. Not just you specifically, anyone. You've always been free to do whatever you want when you want. OK. I enjoy our friendship very much. I enjoy your company and learning about you. I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. So, again, if you wish to not be my friend or want to hang out, I fully understand. I reached out because I care about you too. So, please, if you are interested in still being in my crazy world, tell me. If not, tell me. OK."
He has not said this since Feb. I was stunned. And I did not reply. Then he got nervous and began texting a couple hours later. Asking if I was dismissing him? I told him no and he subsequently came over. When he arrived he tried to kiss me and I told him I don't kiss my friends like that. He made a joke. I changed gears and suggested a walk. We walked all over town for hours. Him trying to kiss me everywhere and I let him. As great as that day was going, the possibility of it was snuffed out by his words to me and it had a sad undertone. I remarked how hes just then wanting his cake and eat it too. Again. No response
Later I told him that I think he does want a relationship but he doesn't know how. I told him that this thing of his is not unlike my having to get sober. Its negatively impacting his life like my drinking was. And that he had to do something about it on his own, and that I could not help him and that it essentially requires the rewiring of his brain.
He said nothing. He tried to kiss me again. I let him. He subsequently stayed the night. But he awoke to so early. I believe his dreams bother him a great deal and he has sleep issues, established. I told him if he wanted yo leave (@ 3am) he could. I knew he needed to regulate himself. And I'm a understanding girl. I feel for him, I do.
So, he has made it very clear. He does not want a relationship. And while that initially stung, when I broke up with him about a month ago, slowly but surely in those 2 weeks I began to notice a shift in my attachment to him. I see the writing on the wall here. Always have I pay attention to what I read here. I've known pretty much all along that this is not to be. No matter how much I would have liked it to be. It's not.
Oddly he has been very chatty since and has continued to text each day since (sunday)
We have not discussed it any further and honestly there is nothing left to discuss. Is there?
I have been chatting simultaneously with the other man I was supposed to go out with two weeks ago. He too fell ill. And without even having met him, and in two weeks 3 weeks time we have talked about far more in depth things in a relational way. Hes a mush. He's *not emotionally unavailable. And hes a far better candidate for my heart. Not to say that hes got it. Hardly, I just can see a night and day difference between these two. He is more so like, um all the other secures ove affiliated with. Who knows?It may very well crash and burn but it has restored some faith in someday finding someone who wants a thing. Is *capable of a thing.
I will likely remain friends with the FA but I cannot continue to put apples in that basket. I think hes truly conflicted as indicated by his sheer panic when I did not respond to his diatribe Showing up. Texting every day (although we always had regular contact, hes not as far on the spectrum as some of the FAs I read about here)
I know the research says he wants a relationship but fear and discomfort from dysregulation makes him uneasy. Not his fault. But I want more.
It has really made me very AP to be with him. I test so with regard to him and as stated a bit avoidant with regard to my mother, secure otherwise. He landed me square in the middle of that anxious box. I am uncomfortable there. I imagine that feeling is not entirely different than how he may feel uncomfortable, perhaps not in the same way, but uncomfy none the less.
It's not healthy for me. I don't like it and I have been battling letting him go for months now. Like what in the actual fuck am I even thinking? This is not like me. I guess because for all intents he is otherwise delightful in so many facets (dating, of which I do a lot, is not brought me men of this caliber to be honest in the last 2 years) He is very bright and witty and tremendously patient and seemingly solid. I admire his poise and gentleness. He actually smoothes me out live and in person. It's the leaving me home Saturday night after Saturday night alone that irks me. I'm a beautiful woman, I wanna get dressed and go out once in a while. I was in a shit marriage for a dozen years and when that asshat left I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of vodka where I hardly ever drank before.
I know what I want and hat I need as a grown woman and hes clearly not it. And he makes it CRYSTAL clear. And it's not at all me, it's entirely him.
I'm not perfect by any means but I am a pretty darn good catch, sober. Lol.
I have my quirks and I can be a happy go lucky idiot, but I am really very comfortable with me and am very happy for all intents.
This was eroding my happiness.
Who the heck knows what will happen? But it's safe to say *this is not happening*. Hes not changing anytime soon. And I dont have time to kill. I want my person. I want to do the stuff people do togethet, love and grow, organically. Eventually co habitate. No more marriage tho. Lol. Good there!
I cant imagine a more succinct text to exemplify the sentiments of an FA than what he sent me. I really hope it helps someone here.
Thanks for reading! Sorry I have been MIA. Hope everyone is really good!
xx
Jules
