Do you know your own and your partners angerpattern and shame bottons ?
It can be a really good idea to talk about your typical angerpatterns. And your shamebuttoms/your wounds that can get triggered. Maybe you get quiet, sad, feel an inner frustration when you are getting angry and maybe you even become the cool girl/the cool guy (the passive angerpatteren) while your partner becomes agressive or maybe passive agressive.....
Also talking about your childhood home and how your parents dealt with their own anger and your anger as a child.jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468
In a lot of sociaties anger is put in the shadow:
Anger can be a collective shadow
It can be because of the way you were raised
It can be because of gender differencies. in some countries boys are (only) allowed to show anger (boys dont cry) and girls are (only) allowed to cry/are raised to be a "good girl".
There are 4 different types of unhealthy anger. People can have a mix of different anger patterns - with different people, in different situations.
Some people have an agressive angerpattern at home with their kids or with their partner, because it is more "safe", and they can have an passive anger pattern at work/with their boss/colleges ect.
Some people shows agressive anger when they are driving, because it is more "safe" driving in their car, where they are "protected" and can rage against other drivers in traffic.
What is your own anger pattern and how can you work on showing healthy anger in your daily life ?
You can have one or more unhealthy patterns with different people in different situations. Remember, there is a good reason why you have your angerpattern (often learned in childhood) But it is workable, if you learn the right tools, so that you don´t hurt other people and/or yourself!
Typical for the aggressive anger is that it is outreaching. You are doing something with your anger. e.g. shouts, gangs, criticizes, swings, becomes violent ect.
• Short-lived and flammable
• Explodes easily
• Comes fast and often hot (also without obvious reason)
• Easily intercepted with others
• Low patience threshold
. Drama king/queen
. Want to get the last word
• Big need for control (my way or the highway)
• May be extremely annoyed by people, if they make mistakes
• Quickly provoke and take things very personally
. Shout at others in traffic
. Find it difficult to repair
. Do as I say or you will regret it
. Dont like that other points out their mistakes / their flaws
. Want to get even
• May have lost friends, partners or jobs because of one's temperament
• May have ended relationships in anger and later regretted it
. If not then.....
. Can be intimidating
• At worst violent behaviorwww.youtube.com/watch?v=ivn3zUuEZlE
- Anne Carlson "Working moms"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivo1JGv_eh4 - Insideout - Meet angerwww.youtube.com/watch?v=d2h-kCBR2Vs
- If people did everything agressivly
(narcissists and psykopaths anger pattern plus passive agressive - remember you can not use normal boundarie setting with narcs!)
The passive swells the anger, lowers and suppresses. The anger is turned inward, and it can be hard at all to feel any anger and set limits and to say no. It is a evasive pattern, where one imploaches instead of exploding.
• Rarely or never visibly angry
• Turns anger inward
• It is difficult to feel if you are angry
• Recognizes easier disappointment, powerlessness, resignation, sorenes,, dissapointment, frustration, sadness
• Wait too long to express anger
• Cries instead of getting angry
• Keeps silent
• Avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs
• Doubts often on his right to be angry (It's probably just me ...)
• Blames herself, rather than getting angry with others
Also the chill girl and spiritual bypassing is part of the passive anger pattern
The chill girl thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/
The chill girls shadow sides: controlling, needy, boring, difficult, ordinaire, demanding ect. When we are in love/the crushing fase there's a risk of being chill.
Blind compassion, neurotic tolerance ect medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cd
(cumpulsive cleaning can be hidden anger)
People with passive-aggressive anger patterns are not outreaching like the aggressive, but they avoid conflict and are passive. They are angry and they are interested in punishing and in conflict, but they prefer to make it hidden.
• Anger through the back door - disguised, indirectly
• Does not become visibly angry, but sabotages and punishes instead in the hidden - eg by: being late/"forget" things (appointments / deadlines / to reply back to messages, etc.)/refuse to cooperate (say yes to do something but do not do it)/ deny their involvement if confronted/play innocent or stupid ("God, I have not thought about it!")/jam, expose
• Punishes with coolness, ignorance and silence
• Tends to confuse, irritate and provoke others (consciously but without admitting it)
• "Then you can learn it!"
- Then angry smile
• scums instead of saying that you are angry
• Sarcasm, suppositories and "out of the side" attacks (often masked as humor or "ha-ha-it-is-jo-just-for-fun" laughter)
. Uses a Lot of smileys after a statement 😉🙂😉
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug-_K-MFvNg&t=7s narc stephmom fleabag
. Eyeroll m.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A
People with projectively-aggressive anger patterns seem immediately passive, but
they are not. They are angry, but because they are afraid to own and express anger, they project and turn it over to others, and let others bear and exert their anger for them.
• Judges anger
• Projects one's own anger on others
• Focuses on angry people
• Make others feel angry for you, so you may seem unruly
• Always blame others for being angry
• Anger paranoia: Are you angry? "Are you sure you're not angry? You seem angry!"
• Is often a magnet for angry people (often married to an aggressive type)
• Assumes the role of a victim or innocent (it is not me who is angry)
Anger that covers shame/shame as an anger-trigger: (part of the agressive angerpattern)
Does your anger cover shame? As human beings we can push each others shame buttons without knowing.
If you have a quick temper, if you shout, if you slam doors, your problem may not actually be your anger. The real emotion that may be hurting you, is what's lurking behind your anger: shame. For many of us, anger is a cover of shame.
For many of us, we carry around secret feelings of shame for years and years. Something we did in our past — or something that was done to us — haunts us. Shame can be a major anger trigger because when we harbor shame, we tend to react defensively, when we're criticized or given even mild feedback. We may then use anger to divert attention away from our painful, hidden feelings the way a magician uses misdirection when performing a card trick.
If you dont deal with your shadow, then your shadow will deal with you (Debbie Ford)
If you are having difficulty with the word shame, then you can ask yourself what you fear. What are you affraid being seen as ?
How can people regonise when they are feeling shame/are getting triggered:
The passive: You want to withdraw, you become a turtle, you become quiet. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?
The agressive: you shout, you become a cactus. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?
What emotions can trigger aggression / anger in you:
To be ignored
To feel criticized
To feel stupid,
- not important,
- hung out,
What words / insinuations can trigger aggression in you:
Words you've been teased with
Names you've been called
Things you've been accused of being
Things you've been criticized for being
Things you've felt like (old wounds / trauma)
Sides of you, you feel deeply shame / disgusted about (shadow sides)www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shame
More about shame:
Violations and failures - which have you experienced either as a child or later in a couple relationship or in other relationships, at work ect:
• Verbal insults: a lot of criticism / scolding
• Being shamed
• You been told to: shut up / shh! / be quiet
• Threats / punishment
• Physical violence
• A look full of disappointment / or disgust
• Inappropriate teasing,
• Emotional coldness, being ignored
• Violent mood swings, erratic behavior, conflicting messages
• Exaggerated or unrealistic demands
• Overcontrolling behavior
• Overprotective behavior
• Enmeshment / emotional incest (entanglement. Too intimate with mother or father)
• Failure / rejection
• To be invisible / not to be seen
. Lack of warmth, support, comfort, encouragement, declarations of love, physical touch
What did you make this mean about you?
Spend 10 minutes uncovering theese beliefs you (unconsciously) created on the basis of each type of violation / failure. For example:
Enmeshment: I must always be there for others
Unrealistic demands: I can not do anything good enough
Constant criticism: I'm wrong
"Shut up!": it is dangerous to say your opinion
It may be your partner, who turns on our anger, but the anger can be about something else.
You give more, than you can give and more than you have the energy for.
You´ve gone too much on compromise with your values.
The things you do not take care of within yourself.
You are simply just:
Too hot or too Cold
(remember to repair)
Check out were you/your partner are on the anger scale
The Anger Scale: 1-10 :
Find out where you are on the angerscale in different situations.
Not everything must have the same reaction.
7-10: In the red zone!!!
How do I react and is my anger proportional to what´s going on ?
From 6 and up, if you boil inside, if you are owerwhelmed by emotions, it is a sign for you to investigate the following 5 steps...:
1) Reactivation of old wounds - accumulated - a pattern that repeats itself. Regression - ex. of being 4 years old.
2) Projection? Because we see a side in another person that we do not even have access to ourselfes.
3) The transfer of characteristics to my girlfriend / boss which belongs to my dad? An old wound. Remember it must be repaired where it occurred.
4) Covering a different feeling? Are we afraid, sad, hurt, ashamed of anything.
5) Notice if it is because you have to set a healthy limit/boundarie.
Your anger can be about one or more tings of the above, at the same time!!!