Tips to create a long lasting juicy relationship

In the absence of information, your brain will always go for the negative. Be aware of this when interacting with your partner.
If pauses are too long or there is a lack of clarity in communication, your brain will start filling in the gaps with inevitably threatening details that aren’t necessarily true.
Why would nature set us up this way?
Because humans grew up in a dangerous world. Your brain is wired to protect you from an environment where your awareness of predators was dependent on your survival.
However, it’s not always working

Stan Tatkin

Me and my girlfriend are on vacation together. We are at the most beautyfull bountybeach sitting in the shadow, with a colorfull drink.
I can suddenly feel, that somthing is wrong, because my girlfriends mood has changed. She has closed herself off and she seems anoyed.
Im a sensitive guy, so I easily pick up on things, and I cant just leave it alone. I cant concentrate, as Im trying to read my book. Im reading the same sentence over and over again.
When I ask, my girlfriend says nothings wrong. But I can just feel, that shes not telling me the truth. I hate it when she does this. I feel that Im the one who has to take the  initiative and Im the one who has to pull the words out of her mouth.
Id rather be at home without my girlfriend being  like this, than on this beautyfull boutybeach with an annoyed girlfriend. We are supposed to have a good time, but now her mood is ruing it, and I dont know how long it will last.
What to do ? I hate this.

Answer:

As a couple therapist I have seen this in ALL relationships.

The hardcore version: 

Say:
"Listen, this is my life and I would like to spend my life with you, but I dont want my life destroyed this way. I do not like to play these games. You can tell me what is going on ? Whats on your mind ? I dont want to play this game, where you walk around like this thinking aboout something, for 3 hours or 3 weeks, wtihout sharing with me, whats on your mind." 

Remember its your life too. Just because its her way of dealing, it dosent mean, that you have to adjust to her way of dealing with things. You have every right to say this to her.

Im assuming this is not the first time she acts this way.

You can say this in a nice and gentle way. Sometimes it can help if you take her hand and look her in the eyes, depending on what type of person she is.

THe biggest commitment you can give in a relationship:

The best thing to do in a comitted relationship, is to agree in the beginning of the relationship, on how we will deal with things and our communication, when shit hits the fan, because it will sooner or later!

A female couples relationship expert

The psykology behind conflicts.

Connect and redirect.

1) First of all you connect on the emotionel level. You meet the other person, where the other person is. Then the other persons nerveussystem calms down.
2) Then redirect. Then tell in which direction you want the relationnship to go. What is your wish.

Do you know your own and your partners angerpattern and shame bottons ?

It can be a really good idea to talk about your typical angerpatterns. And your shamebuttoms/your wounds that can get triggered. Maybe you get quiet, sad, feel an inner frustration when you are getting angry  and maybe you even become the cool girl/the cool guy (the passive angerpatteren) while your partner becomes agressive or maybe passive agressive.....

Also talking about your childhood home and how your parents dealt with their own anger and your anger as a child.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468

In a lot of sociaties anger is put in the shadow:

Anger can be a collective shadow
It can be because of the way you were raised
It can be because of gender differencies. in some countries boys are (only) allowed to show anger (boys dont cry) and girls are (only) allowed to cry/are raised to be a "good girl".


There are 4 different types of unhealthy anger. People can have a mix of different anger patterns - with different people, in different situations.
Some people have an agressive angerpattern at home with their kids or with their partner, because it is more "safe", and they can have an passive anger pattern at work/with their boss/colleges ect.
Some people shows agressive anger when they are driving, because it is more "safe" driving in their car, where they are "protected" and can rage against other drivers in traffic.
What is your own anger pattern and how can you work on showing healthy anger in your daily life ?

Negative anger:

You can have one or more unhealthy patterns with different people in different situations. Remember, there is a good reason why you have your angerpattern (often learned in childhood) But it is workable, if you learn the right tools, so that you don´t hurt other people and/or yourself!

AGGRESSIVE
Typical for the aggressive anger is that it is outreaching. You are doing something with your anger. e.g. shouts, gangs, criticizes, swings, becomes violent ect.
• Short-lived and flammable
• Explodes easily
• Comes fast and often hot (also without obvious reason)
• Easily intercepted with others
• Low patience threshold
. Drama king/queen
. Want to get the last word
• Big need for control (my way or the highway)
• May be extremely annoyed by people, if they make mistakes
• Quickly provoke and take things very personally
. Roadrage
. Shout at others in traffic
. Perfectionist
. Find it difficult to repair
. Do as I say or you will regret it
. Dont like that other points out their mistakes / their flaws
. Want to get even
• May have lost friends, partners or jobs because of one's temperament
• May have ended relationships in anger and later regretted it
. If not then.....
. Can be intimidating
• At worst violent behavior
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivn3zUuEZlE - Anne Carlson "Working moms"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivo1JGv_eh4 - Insideout - Meet anger
www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2h-kCBR2Vs - If people did everything agressivly

(narcissists and psykopaths anger pattern plus passive agressive - remember you can not use normal boundarie setting with narcs!)

PASSIVE
The passive swells the anger, lowers and suppresses. The anger is turned inward, and it can be hard at all to feel any anger and set limits and to say no. It is a evasive pattern, where one imploaches instead of exploding.
• Rarely or never visibly angry
• Turns anger inward
• It is difficult to feel if you are angry
• Recognizes easier disappointment, powerlessness, resignation, sorenes,, dissapointment, frustration, sadness
• Wait too long to express anger
• Cries instead of getting angry
• Keeps silent
• Avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs
• Doubts often on his right to be angry (It's probably just me ...)
• Blames herself, rather than getting angry with others
Also the chill girl and spiritual bypassing is part of the passive anger pattern
The chill girl thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/
Spiritual bypassing
The chill girls shadow sides: controlling, needy, boring, difficult, ordinaire, demanding ect. When we are in love/the crushing fase there's a risk of being chill.
Blind compassion, neurotic tolerance ect medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cd
Premature forgiveness
m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZNHnIUWZJs

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38962/

(cumpulsive cleaning can be hidden anger)

Passive-Aggressive
People with passive-aggressive anger patterns are not outreaching like the aggressive, but they avoid conflict and are passive. They are angry and they are interested in punishing and in conflict, but they prefer to make it hidden.
• Anger through the back door - disguised, indirectly
• Does not become visibly angry, but sabotages and punishes instead in the hidden - eg by: being late/"forget" things (appointments / deadlines / to reply back to messages, etc.)/refuse to cooperate (say yes to do something but do not do it)/ deny their involvement if confronted/play innocent or stupid ("God, I have not thought about it!")/jam, expose
• Punishes with coolness, ignorance and silence
• Tends to confuse, irritate and provoke others (consciously but without admitting it)
• "Then you can learn it!"
- Then angry smile
• scums instead of saying that you are angry
• Sarcasm, suppositories and "out of the side" attacks (often masked as humor or "ha-ha-it-is-jo-just-for-fun" laughter)
. Uses a Lot of smileys after a statement 😉🙂😉
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug-_K-MFvNg&t=7s narc stephmom fleabag
. Eyeroll m.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A

Projective-AGGRESSIVE
People with projectively-aggressive anger patterns seem immediately passive, but
they are not. They are angry, but because they are afraid to own and express anger, they project and turn it over to others, and let others bear and exert their anger for them.
• Judges anger
• Projects one's own anger on others
• Focuses on angry people
• Make others feel angry for you, so you may seem unruly
• Always blame others for being angry
• Anger paranoia: Are you angry? "Are you sure you're not angry? You seem angry!"
• Is often a magnet for angry people (often married to an aggressive type)
• Assumes the role of a victim or innocent (it is not me who is angry)


Anger that covers shame/shame as an anger-trigger: (part of the agressive angerpattern)

Does your anger cover shame? As human beings we can push each others shame buttons without knowing.

If you have a quick temper, if you shout, if you slam doors, your problem may not actually be your anger. The real emotion that may be hurting you, is what's lurking behind your anger: shame. For many of us, anger is a cover of shame.

For many of us, we carry around secret feelings of shame for years and years. Something we did in our past — or something that was done to us — haunts us. Shame can be a major anger trigger because when we harbor shame, we tend to react defensively, when we're criticized or given even mild feedback. We may then use anger to divert attention away from our painful, hidden feelings the way a magician uses misdirection when performing a card trick.

If you dont deal with your shadow, then your shadow will deal with you (Debbie Ford)

If you are having difficulty with the word shame, then you can ask yourself what you fear. What are you affraid being seen as ?

How can people regonise when they are feeling shame/are getting triggered:

The passive: You want to withdraw, you become a turtle, you become quiet. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?

The agressive: you shout, you become a cactus. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?

What emotions can trigger aggression / anger in you:

To be ignored
To feel criticized
To feel stupid,
- rejected,
- indifferent,
- not important,
- hung out,
- ugly
ect.

What words / insinuations can trigger aggression in you:

Words you've been teased with
Names you've been called
Things you've been accused of being
Things you've been criticized for being
Things you've felt like (old wounds / trauma)
Sides of you, you feel deeply shame / disgusted about (shadow sides)

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shame


More about shame:

Violations and failures - which have you experienced either as a child or later in a couple relationship or in other relationships, at work ect:

• Verbal insults: a lot of criticism / scolding
• “Inquire”
• Being shamed
• Humiliation
• You been told to: shut up / shh! / be quiet
• Threats / punishment
• Physical violence
• A look full of disappointment / or disgust
• Inappropriate teasing,
• Emotional coldness, being ignored
• Violent mood swings, erratic behavior, conflicting messages
• Exaggerated or unrealistic demands
• Overcontrolling behavior
• Overprotective behavior
• Enmeshment / emotional incest (entanglement. Too intimate with mother or father)
• Failure / rejection
• To be invisible / not to be seen
. Lack of warmth, support, comfort, encouragement, declarations of love, physical touch

What did you make this mean about you?
Spend 10 minutes uncovering theese beliefs you (unconsciously) created on the basis of each type of violation / failure. For example:

Enmeshment: I must always be there for others
Unrealistic demands: I can not do anything good enough
Constant criticism: I'm wrong
"Shut up!": it is dangerous to say your opinion


It may be your partner, who turns on our anger, but the anger can be about something else.
Ex.
You give more, than you can give and more than you have the energy for.
You´ve gone too much on compromise with your values.
The things you do not take care of within yourself.
Or
You are simply just:
stressed out
hangry (Hungry)
Tired
Too hot or too Cold
Thirsty
Got PMS

(remember to repair)


Check out were you/your partner are on the  anger scale
The Anger Scale: 1-10 :

Find out where you are on the angerscale in different situations.
Not everything must have the same reaction.

1-3: Observable
4-7: Affected,
7-10: In the red zone!!!

Ask yourself:
How do I react and is my anger proportional to what´s going on ?

From 6 and up, if you boil inside, if you are owerwhelmed by emotions, it is a sign for you to investigate the following 5 steps...:

Is it:

1) Reactivation of old wounds - accumulated - a pattern that repeats itself. Regression - ex. of being 4 years old.

2) Projection? Because we see a side in another person that we do not even have access to ourselfes.

3) The transfer of characteristics to my girlfriend / boss which belongs to my dad? An old wound. Remember it must be repaired where it occurred.

4) Covering a different feeling? Are we afraid, sad, hurt, ashamed of anything.

5) Notice if it is because you have to set a healthy limit/boundarie.

Your anger can be about one or more tings of the above, at the same time!!!

How to deal with your own anger pattern

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39289/


How to deal with your own anger pattern:

Aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you start to fell rage inside
Remember IT is your anger, not somebody elses anger
Take a time out and go for a walk and or try to relax in your arms and in your body
Then come back and talk about what is wrong/talk about your feelings. Try to be voulnarble even if you do not like it. Practise kindness. Find out about your triggers and write Them down. Often shame, feeling powerless, ect. You are looking for provokation. Try to get in contact with your underlying shame, sadness, Hurt, fear ect.

Belief: There's something wrong with me. Then they esaily get triggered if other people say that they are wrong or they get the impression that this is what they think.
Unhealthy - your health suffers, you can have problems with colleges, partners ect.

Advise:
1) Admit that you have an aggressive pattern or when you experience aggression in yourself
2) Relate to the consequences of your anger - who gets your aggression and what does your agression do to your life
3) Journal about your daily anger
- aggressive thoughts, what you wanted to do or your aggressive thoughts jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38951/
4) Ask yourself : How else could I interpret what happened
5) Take ownership of your anger. You have a choice. Instead of blaming others, look at your own emotional response. Thoughts create emotions and your emotions create the actions you choose.. Focus on what is happening inside you
6) What are your anger triggers?
- look under your anger
- check your shame buttons
- ask yourself what you are sad about
- does it happen when you get drunk
- you can react strongly to people who are weak, delicate, sensitive, who whines, cries, who are inkompetent ect. - (your own shadow sides)
- you can ask the people who are close to you when they notise when you are getting angry
7) Write down, journal - use me and not you, express your vulnerability
8) Stop taking everything personally - see others as innocent until proven otherwise, look at others with kind eyes. Treat others as if they got a kind and open heart.
9) Choose your battles wiaely - everything is not a war. Other people are not your enemies. Practies letting other people get the last word.
10) Take a time out and tell that you take a time out if you are with other people - go for a walk, go into another room, get your adrenaline down NOT up
11) Get control of your body - your body needs relaxation - massage, qui gong, gentle yoga, use breathing exercises, meditations, use mindfullness, walking, practice one-man sports (squash, joggin, swimming)
12) Learn your anger signals - how can you tell when you anger is coming (ex: you clench your fists, you clench your teeths ect.) - relax your jaws, relax your arms ect. If you are walkning around. You can provoke your own anger outburts by relaxing. If you are in a tense state, it can buil up you anger. And its not healthy.
13) Be creative, journal, write poetry, dance, sing, make collages, do pottery ect
14) Expecially men/boys can identify with their agressive parent and can therefore become an abuser or a bully themselves, They dont want to be seen as a wictim and find it humiliating.
Recognize your grief, fear, powerlessness ect. Use therapy, do a shadow process ect.

If you have a passive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, depressed
Difficult to act
Do not get treated fairly, because you do not stand up for yourself
Women in particular have learned to hide their anger
Tears are signs of powerlessness and deep frustration

Advice
1) Find the cause of your passivity
2) Think about your basic human rights
3) What is the consequence of denying / suppressing your anger
4) Be aware when you are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, depressed ....
- Journal
5) Listen to the anger. What does your anger tell you
- who are you really angry at
6) Remember anger is not the same as aggression
7) You can fear counter-attacks, fear of rejection, separation anxiaty - with partner, children, parents and therefore you ignore your anger
The fear of hurting or harming others, Afraid to become like those who offended you, Fear of being laughed at if you show anger
8) Learn to express your anger assertively (write it down as it can be difficult to express your anger in the precent moment)
9) Be aware of the cool girl, premature forgiveness, spiritual bypassing
10) Practice standing up for yourself - Practise saying NO. - Say; I feel, I want to, I do not want to ect.
11) Express your dissatisfaction without whining - be clear and concrete
12) Find positive role models - and think about what they would do in the specific situation. You can put a picture of the person in your home, on your phone. You can picture the person standing by your side supporting you. Imagine what would this person do ? Kamala Harris : "Im speakng" www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXFqTGBty1w
13) Beware of self-medication when you are angry - with food, alcohol, social media, Netflix, coffee, sugar ect. Next time you become self critic, sad, depressed, then ask yourself, if you are angry with anyone / angry about something.

Passive aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - frustration
Own your anger and admit that you are angry
You hide your anger - you ignore, procrastinate, you play dumb, you use eyerole, you are late

Advise
1) Admit that you are angry
2) Find the cause of your passive aggressiveness
- you punish in subtle ways. When do you feel like punishing
3) Find your triggers - do you feel controlled, dominated, forgotten, unimportant,
when you get orders, when you are jealous,
4) Stop being angry, stop giving others the silent treatment
5) Stop being sarcastic
6) Let go of your need to frustrate others - it's been your way to say fuck you, stop being rebellious in childish ways
7) I'm angry with you because, I'm sorry, I do not want to, I do not mind, I stayed in
8) Stop your control issues - when will you punish, when you control or dominate others
9) Express yourself directly
10) Define yourself according to what you want instead of what you do not want
11) You are not allowed to say whatever, fine, I dont care, - - take responsibility for what you want

If you have a projective aggressive anger pattern:
Allow yourself to be angry instead of projecting it onto others. You will attract angry people in your life because you dont own your own anger.

Advise
1) Where do your negative beliefs about anger come from?
2) Write a list of those you have been in relationship with and write their down angerpattern pattern
3) How much judgment do you have on the anger of others, how often do you think others are angry with you, do you let others get angry on your behalf ?
4) Control your anger paranoia - ask yourself what you yourself are angry about. Make a list of all the people you think are angry with you. Ask yourself if it is yourself who is angry at that person.
5) Recognize and accpet your anger. You can put a rubber band on your wrist and pull the rubberband evertime you are getting angry and say the word out loud; I am angry
6) Feel your anger, write a letter of anger
7) Go into therapy
8) Take responsibility where you are passive - even if your husband gets angry at your children then know you also have a responsibility yourself.