Tips to create a long lasting juicy relationship

We use the first 1,5-2 years havning a lot of sex in our relationship, we are meant to reproduce ourselves. We are high on dopamine and other chemicals.
Then we get bonded together by oxytocin,  we sit on the couch together the next two years and watch tv. This period is meant to take care of our offspring. Around 4 years in, the oxytocin fades, and then we have to learn how to love eachother for real.
Helen Fishers studies shows, that a lot of people get divorsed around 4 years into the relationship. She explains this is tied to biological factors:

Divorce Tied to Biological Factors : Evidence Reveals a Pattern Throughout Human History

Patterns of divorce have remained surprisingly constant in almost every culture, suggesting that there may be a biological explanation for why people divorce.
Helen Fisher, an associate anthropologist at the American Museum of Natural History, said patterns she identified may have existed throughout much of human history, had acceptance of divorce been as high as it is today.
“Given the number of variations and cultural differences, it is amazing that there is any pattern at all,” Fisher said. Her findings were reported at a meeting of the American Anthropological Assn.

Fisher went through the archives of the United Nations’ demographic yearbooks to trace patterns of divorce in 58 countries--including Samoa, Egypt, Costa Rica, New Zealand, the Soviet Union and the United States. Records dated back to 1947.
There were three striking similarities among all cultures. Overall, women tended to divorce during their reproductive years (between 25 and 29), after being married for four years and bearing a single child. These properties of divorce, Fisher said, are unrelated to the rate, which fluctuates among societies.
“When you see similarities across totally unrelated cultures, you have to assume that there are biological factors involved,” Fisher said.

Designed For Divorce
She believes that the human brain may be slightly designed for divorce; that monogamy--bonding with one person for life--is a cultural and basically human phenomenon. She said that about 97% of mammals and 50% of birds are not monogamous. Instead, they mate and stay together long enough to produce offspring.

After looking at a number of species, Fisher began to make some intriguing, though arguable, connections. “It is possible that marriage evolved about 2 million years ago. About this time, humans walked erect. The changing body--the shrinking pelvis and expanding brain--made birth very difficult. Women had to bear very helpless, infantile babies.” Fisher suspects that monogamy may have evolved to raise these tiny babies.

Revealing Records
“But these bonds did not have to last for life, only long enough to get the child through infancy, which explains the four-year bonding period,” Fisher said. If the couple had another infant, the process would begin again, adding more years to the marriage.

Census records revealed that most people around the world--40%--divorce with no children; 35% with one dependent child; 19% with two; 6% with three; 2% with four; and fewer than 1% with six or more dependent children.

Fisher suspects that the evolution of infatuation and attachment sprang from monogamy. These bonding behaviors, Fisher explained, have been linked to increases in certain brain chemicals.

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have got two kids.. We have worked through all the big hurdles in our relationship, We have even broken up, and I have been unfaithfull once in the past, which I am not proud of. When my partner gets "difficult, needy and jealous", I know where it stems from, and I try to meet her needs in the specific situation. 

I have learned, that if things gets difficult in our relationship, and we dont conncet well in a period of time,  lets say two months, I now stay, because I know, that things will get better again sooner or later.

We are very different in terms of time.
I am a time fascist and my wife is very relaxed in terms of time.
My partner is always late.
I get really irretable, but in a slightly quiet way. I keep it inside, but I know my partner can sence my annoyed energy.

The first time, we were going to the cinema, she calls me and asks where I am. She showed up at the wrong cinema. She is always a little confused and distracted. And I get pissed. I hate being late and I feel like you do not respect other people, when you are late.

My partner says to me, that she has tried to change it all her life, but theres nothing she can do about it.

If I have to explain how I am a time fascist, e.g. if we have to leave the house at 1.30 pm, I can get slighty annoyed, if we are late, even if we dont have to be at a spefic place at a certant/specific time.
I feel it is not very important, so why do I care so much ? My therapist says it is actually important. I have kids, so I know things takes time when you have kids.
My parents ALWAYS arrived late. And I just had to keep up with the rest of my family, even though I thought it was embarrassing to stand out as part of the family, that was always late!

Reply:

When your family always arrived late, you felt as a part of their time system, that you were not very important. As a child, you just had to follow their rules.
You have felt, that you did not matter.
Because of this wound, you now feel, that you are not important. That your partner is not thinking about you. You feel, that your partner is not present with you. That you do not matter. That you are not important. You feel that punctuality is not important to your partner.

There is a lack of consideration. You feel that your partner does not bother to bother.
We do not know why, your partner is the way she is.
On the one hand, you can learn something from your partner.
And on the other hand, your partner can learn something from you.
You can say that you do not feel important. And your partner may say you always make her wrong.
Your partner says, she's just very mush in the precent moment.
A thing your partner can do, is to call you, and tell that she is late. You can also do this as a family.
If you tell your partner, how it felt for you, when you were 4 years old, just like your son who is 4 years old now, theres a posibility that she can be more understanding and theres a posibility, that she will try ro make an effort.
When you start telling your partner where your wound is coming from, you expand your relationship.
It's like a story being unfold. And you can become more empathetic with each other. If you share your story with your partner, your partner will start taking you more seriously. You also gain more empathy and understanding for yourself.
And then your partner can share her story with you..
If you are able to tell your partner, that if she starts making an effort, it will be helpfull to you. And there will be less charge about the topic. Your partner may try to do the same for you. It's about daring to be vulnerable in your relationship. By doing so, you can help heal each other's wounds and your relationship can expand.

An international couple relationsship expert / (Why you will never fall in love with the wrong person)


jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2224/never-fall-love-wrong-person

Happy new year, @shiningstar
She could be, but I havent finished the post yet ;-)
An interesting quistion is also, why he is a time facist ?

Infidelity and jealousy are in direct contact with the subconscious.

Jealousy:
When I get jealous at someone, it's because I feel threatened by the other. I think the other can do something that does not exist in me. That the other has freer access to something I do not have access to in myself.
Ask yourself:
What are you going to do about this ?
Why am I blocked ?
Examine it further instead of getting jealous.

Infidelity:
When there is someone who is unfaithful, it is because they have met something or go out and look for something, that no longer exists in the relationship.

If you are attracted to someone else, tell your partner.

"Look, I have experienced that I am attracted to xxxx. There is something I do not experience in our relationship that attracts me to the other person. The two of us have to talk about what is missing in our relationship. Do you want to help investigate this with me, so that we can develop our relationship together? "

The other person you are interested in represents something that you are not in enough contact with or something that is not allowed to happen in the the relationship.

Jealousy and the desire for infidelity is the chance to become curious and investigate further in your own relationship. ̈́

It requires that you both have the desire to develop as individuals and as a couple.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31131/

Rituals and routines in relationships

Routines get us through the day. Rituals guide us through life.

Routines are concrete repetitive actions that help us develop skills while creating continuity and order. They ground us and create familiarity. Rituals, on the other hand, are routines that are elevated by creativity, driven by intention, and imbued with meaning. They lift us up and create excitement. They also help us say goodbye and process loss. Through repetition, routines and rituals both help us to delineate space and time. They create predictable structures, grounding rhythms, and a calming, stabilizing effect. Routines and rituals have a lot in common, but what makes them different is the key to elevating our relationships.

Rituals function like maps, helping us navigate transitions and major life events such as first dates, weddings, births, anniversaries, heartbreaks, and loss. There isn't a culture that doesn't have rituals to transmit the protocols and meanings of those special events. But we don’t need a special occasion to engage in ceremoniousness. Inviting the concept of ritual into our daily lives converts the mundane into the significant. Jogging every morning is an exercise routine. Walking in the woods together every Sunday afternoon is a ritual for spending quality time together in nature. Setting the table each night is a routine. Decorating the table with flowers, candles, and a special china is a ritual for a perfect date night. Brushing our teeth with our partner every night is a routine. But leaving our partner with a little bit of toothpaste on their toothbrush after a big fight is a ritual that signifies that we might be ready to make up. The difference is in the details and what they symbolize for us.

The Beginning is About Bonding
In the early stages of dating, creating rituals together is about establishing a shared reality. Morning coffee, dinner out, and stopping by a party together is routine. But picking our favorite coffee spot, planning a weekly date night, and meeting each others’ friends signify that “you and me” are becoming a “we.” Exchanging house keys, offering a drawer, and meeting each others’ families means that “we” are integrating our lives more fully.

When we’re really into each other, these initial steps feel natural. Pulled in by affection and attraction, everything feels new and shiny. With so much to learn about each other, newness itself is practically routine. What elevates newness to the status of ritual is creating special vessels that allow for deeper vulnerability. Sharing a playlist of our favorite music from our teenage years, playing “Truth or Dare,” picking a country we’d like to travel to together some day and making its signature dish—each of these activities give permission to reminisce and fantasize together. In the realm of shared dreams, we find new parts of our connection. Affirming and growing that bond as time goes on and as challenges arise is supported by creating rituals that acknowledge, affirm, and grow that bond.

Rituals for Long-Term Healthy Relationships
In long-term partnerships, rituals create continuity and affirmation while highlighting the specialness of the bond. Making rituals a part of our daily lives ensures that we don’t only celebrate our love and closeness on anniversaries—though celebrating anniversaries is one of the most important long-term partnership rituals of them all.

When our lives are woven together, intentionally breaking our routines can become a ritual. Instead of eating cereal at home every morning, go out for a breakfast date. Skip date night, which can be exhausting after a long day, and take a bath together with candles. Make a private email address—a virtual destination separate from the realities of the world—and send each other love letters.

Rituals are a major part of long distance relationships or when we work opposite schedules. Always leaving something for or with the other person is a gesture that helps us feel each other’s presence even when we’re apart.

Rituals are also especially helpful in the transition from parent to partner. Changing clothes, location, light, trading the nursery rhymes for our favorite album, opening a bottle of wine together—these are rituals that signify it’s our time. We've put the kids down; we can focus on ourselves. We can switch from responsibility to play.

On social media, when we asked what rituals people have established in their relationships, you replied with great answers from building pillow forts together to having no phone date nights. You shared that you like to go through pictures together and talk about all the memories associated with each one. The constant theme was unification between two people around a shared story of specialness and meaning. All relationships are stories. Rituals help us tell them.

Rituals Help Us Have A Healthy Relationship With Ourselves
Just as there are ritualized behaviors and practices around engagement, marriage, and all important beginnings, there are rituals around endings. And oh, how well we know them: exchanging the items we once kept at each others’ places, giving the keys back, canceling the trip, unfriending, distributing loyalty among friends, untangling the web that once provided warmth and softness before it felt like a trap. How many of us have hesitated to get rid of an object that felt like the last piece of a former lover? Grief drives home the metaphorical quality of rituals—it’s not about the thing itself; it’s about what it represents.

On social media, you also shared with us rituals that have helped you through breakups. So many of those answers were about self-care and connection with friends and family who remind us that we are still lovable and worthy. Friends who come over to sage the house, take out the ex's belongings, and put new sheets on the bed help with those mourning rituals. Engaging with our closest community is an antidote to the isolation and shame we inevitably can feel after such loss. Coming together with those people and asking them to share their stories of heartbreak and resilience is a ritual that makes the experience slightly more common and normal. It provides evidence that everyone experiences love’s agonies and that love is not a scarcity.

Letting go of a past relationship is a process full of rituals, first with the former partner, then with our communities and perhaps a therapist, and finally with ourselves. Through self-love rituals—like daily journaling, trying something new each week, intentionally taking care of our mental, physical, and emotional health—the intrusive feelings of heartbreak eventually become less frequent. As time goes on, so does life, and so does love. We can never go back in time, but we can always love again—till the day we drop dead. Love matures with age, but love itself is ageless. Once we accept that, we open a door to a new beginning. And life’s most important rituals will be there, providing continuity from chapter to chapter and helping us write the next one.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqwLc-rIOnU

Esther Perel

Numerous studies have shown that it is bad for one's health to go through life without a partner.

Single men in particular smoke more, drink more and exercise less, and this robs them of around seven years of their total life, according to the chairman of the Forum for Men's Health. And for many other population groups, the forecasts are the same.

That is, except for the mature women around menopause. ‼ ️
In contrast to all others, they become the only ones who becomes healthier from getting divorced, a comprehensive American study with more than 79,000 women in the age group has shown. The divorced women got a healthier BMI, started eating healthier and exercising more, while the women who entered into a new marriage or permanent relationship got an unhealthier BMI and a higher consumption of alcohol.

Journal of Women's Health, Vol. 26, no. 4

It is not at all uncommon for women being single to boost self-development. Because with divorce, the "we" disappear, and our own dreams, visions and opinions emerge, explains a couple relationship expert.

"There are a lot of women who are starting to live more value-based on the other side of a divorce. They feel more free and alive in accordance with their own values, because they do not have to parliament with a man who does not want the same thing, As one half of a duo, one adopts quite naturally, but often also unconsciously and uncritically, each other's values, worldviews and habits.

When the first US Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, divorced her husband Joe, she discovered, that she "She did not like meat at all. Yet she had eaten steaks for almost 25 years," she says in her autobiography "Madam Secretary". "