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Post by anne12 on Apr 24, 2021 7:53:30 GMT
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/06/in-a-society-that-fetishises-female-self-sacrifice-saying-no-saved-mewww.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.htmlwww.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comicThe Mental Load: Managing a Burden You Can’t Actually See www.healthline.com/health/relationships/mental-loadwww.mamamia.com.au/kate-ritchie-maggie-dent-mental-load/omny.fm/shows/no-filter/laura-byrne-and-matty-j?in_playlist=podcast"Anyone can find themselves carrying the mental load in a relationship, regardless of gender." - but.... E.g. having to ask a partner for help (Does a refrain of “Just tell me if you need me!” or “Let me know if I can help!” sound familiar?) giving reminders to schedule bill payments or handle other essential tasks needing to offer praise or pats on the back for handling necessary chores around the house keeping track of parenting-related daily details, including after-school plans, permission slips, library book due dates, or pediatrician appointments checking in on kids’ physical and emotional needs making to-do lists, grocery lists, or chore charts purchasing and wrapping gifts for friends and loved ones scheduling date nights, vacations, and visits to family or friends lacking the time to pursue leisure activities when your partner does have time to relax Childcare Facing an upcoming deadline for an important work project, you ask your partner to quietly entertain the kids for a few hours. When you take a break for lunch, you leave your office to find the kitchen counter and table covered with dirty mixing bowls, utensils, and baking ingredients and the sink full of dishes. When you ask about the mess, they say, “Oh, you need me to clean up, too?” Cleaning up You ask your partner, “Could you please clean up after dinner while I run to the store?” They agree. You return to see the remnants of dinner still lying on the table, with one difference: Their dishes are now in the dishwasher. You mention the still-uncleared table, and they say, “Oh, I thought you meant put my dishes away. You should have told me you meant the whole table.” Using the last of something While making breakfast, your partner finishes off the milk and all but one egg. They put the cartons back into the refrigerator without mentioning these ingredients are almost gone or adding them to the shopping list on the fridge. The next day, when you to make dinner, you find yourself without necessary ingredients. Does it only apply to women? Anyone can find themselves carrying the mental load in a relationship, regardless of gender. Men who grew up in households with one parent or without traditional gender roles might carry more of a load in their adult relationships, particularly if they had to take on responsibilities or care for siblings. Some parents assign specific chores without encouraging kids (of any gender) to consider other elements of household management, such as paying bills, scheduling appointments, making a budget, or filing important documents. These kids might then grow up willing to take on delegated chores and responsibilities, but without any underlying initiative to look around, see what needs to be done, and get started on it. They might also assume things will get handled, because they always have, with or without any effort on their part. Research suggests, though, that it’s usually women who find themselves overburdened: A 2019 study of 35 heterosexual couples found that the women in the relationships tend to take on more of the cognitive labor. They found this particularly true when it came to anticipating the needs of others and monitoring progress. According to a 2019 study of nearly 400 married or partnered mothers in the United States, nearly 65 percent were employed. But 88 percent also reported they primarily managed routines at home and 76 percent said they were mostly responsible for maintaining regular household standards and order. Same-gender couples, however, tend to share household responsibilities more equally. They do so by dividing tasks up based on things like preference and work hours, according to a 2015 report.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 30, 2021 7:52:49 GMT
In my own relationship the problem with the dance between the feminine - masculine showed up after 10 years and we had a big crises. As a femininst - I dident take being feminine too seriously, even if I know a lot about feminine- masculine polarity as an attatchment-se-love coach. I always looked at the feminine as kind of weak and without real power. I did not think the feminine was powerful but was seeng it as beeing too passive, martyr victim like and weak. So I had to adjust my own behavior in my relationship in order to make it work. My latest transformation was an erotic awakening. (I have always been very sexually active in my life and I have passed menopause) The inner woman gives sexuality a much larger dimension and meaning. To the inner woman the erotic becomes spiritual and creative. Your inner woman is the one who makes the man treat you like the queen that you really are. - he will fall in love with you - be crazy about you - will take care of you - will provide for you - will commit to you - love you infinitely It's about gender identity and the erotic energy. If you grew up with the fact, that the dance between the feminine and the masculine was not very good between your parents, you may have missed having learned the dance steps. Or if you have experienced overwhelming situations later in your life, you may have shut down to dare to get in touch with her No matter at which stage you are in your relaitonship, you may therefore stumble, step on the other person's toes or even get trampled on your own toes, even if you are in the secure/almost secure form of attachmentstyle. Your inner woman, the pridorminal woman is wise, powerful, creative, playful, laughing, lively, lovely and easy going. She is not passive at all. Some of the things you can do: - you can dress feminine - you can recieve with grace - you can practise keeping your heart open jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3080/living-life-open-heart- you can be happy, smile and laugh - you can make sure that you do something that gives you pleasure in your daily life - 30 min. each day jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36635/This will the masculine love and be attracted to But if you are to manage this with the cognitive part of the brain, it requires that you are conscious!!! It will only go well as long as you are wellregulated and are feeling on top of things. The moment you become insecure, feel pressured, are triggered, are stressed out, or maybe when you just relax, your regular pattern will take over
Therefore, you rarely can control this from your cognitive part of the brain.
It's about being feminine from the primal part of your brain.
You can go in and out of the masculine because you also need to keep a household together, take care of your children, and set goals in your daily life at work ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38408/(I helped a client moving from ambivalent attatchmentstyle into secure attatcment style. We also had to work with her inner devine feminine women. With the primal part of her brain. She went from being over-responsible to becoming queen in her own life. She was already feminine. But when she went into a relationship with a man, she took over-responsibility in the relationship, took a lot of the initiative ect. Her own mother had been a pleaser and had been over-responsible in relation to her father. Her mother took too much responsibility at home, with the kids, in the household ect., while her father had the freedom to concentrate on his work, go out with his male friends and go on guy trips and play sports. During the therapy sessions she came in contact with her inner little playfull feminine girl, she had been, when she was a child - and this among other things, changed her from being over resposible to being receptive, playfull, being able to rediate with her feminine energy in her daily life ). |
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Post by anne12 on May 3, 2021 8:31:14 GMT
InfidelityIs more common in relationships than you might think. The population survey called Sexus, showed in a report from the autumn of 2019 that more than every fifth man and approx. every seventh women have been unfaithful to their partner in their current relationship = 23 %. Infidelity is inherently a secret and something we refrain from sharing with others. An affair is associated with the risk of ruining one's family or creating attachment trauma with great pain and shock reactions as a result. Yet infidelity takes place on a surprisingly large scale. It can be difficult to regain confidence in oneself or the other person after infidelity has happend. Ask yourself or with the help of a therapist: How were you unfaithful to yourself during the period when you were exposed to infidelity by your partner ? What signs had you noticed before/while the infidelity happened and what made you not react ? When you find the signs of infidility, which you ignored, you regain confidence in yourself again, so that you can once again trust your own intuition in the future. The person who was unfaithfull, can also ask himself/herself how the person was unfaithfull to himself/herself when the infidelity/the affair happend. The more you are in the secure form of attachment, the less tendency you will have to lose confidence in yourself by the other persons infidelity. You may lose confidence and trust in the other person for a while, but you can work on this in therapy. You can carry unprocessed infidelity - your own or the other persons - with you into a new relationship. The inner divine woman is of great importance to the dance between the inner woman and the inner man. As a woman you can work with energy exercises, healing of a broken heart, traumahealing/SE, you can work getting in touch with your inner divine feminine woman, you can work with your erotic / sensuel / sexuel energy as a woman, so that you can open your heart again in your relationship. And you can go into couples therapy with your partner - which most of the time is a must. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39676/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/34656/
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Post by anne12 on May 3, 2021 11:23:53 GMT
More about infidility/jealousi ect:
Tips on how to prevent jealousy, infedelety, affairs ect. in your relationship, expecially around Christmas time ect:
If we are stressed, then we become less tolerant of our partner. When we are constantly in stress, we are up in our head, and then we may not feel our desire for our partner.
Can you say yes to just one of the following:
You have unresolved conflicts in the relationship.
You are annoyed, angry ect with your partner or vice versa
You or your partner are stressed
You or your partner have a secret "dream" in everyday live about an "adventure"
You or your partner do not feel valued or loved
Then the traffic light is yellow and it is time to stop before you or your partner run the risk of driving into redzone and doing a lot of harm - emotionally - to your relationship.
10 tips on what you and your partner can do to avoid jealousy, affairs, ect :
Take time for each other. Prioritise couple time, where it's about the two of you without practical chores and child logistics
Repair your relationship if one of you has stepped the other over the toes. Say sorry or accept the apology, respectively. And find out how you can better handle the situation for both of you in the future
Clarify your love language. That is, what makes you each feel loved and appreciated. We typically give what we ourselves want. As with Christmas presents, it is rarely what the other wants and needs - or what makes the other feel loved
Ensure closeness and familiarity with each other. Look each other in the eyes, as when you were in the honeymoon fase - with curiosity, openness and enthusiasm. Listen to each other in the same way. Be each other's best friends
Spend time on hugs, touch and kisses also without sex, hold hands - it stimulates the release of oxytocin, our attachment hormone
Also prioritize sex, play. This also releases oxytocin. Make if possible an erotic Christmas calendar for your partner
Drop the perfectionism in the Christmas season. In the big picture, it doesn't matter if you made the cookies yourself ect. Then you have got more time for your husband or wife
Surprises and changes benefit most conditions, as long as they are positive. What could you do differently and better in relation to each other in December
Notice how you feel and ask for what you want from the other. Your partner is not and should not be a mind reader!
If necessary, seek professional help. Visit a couples therapist.Take one or two sessionss before Christmas and agree that it can be a Christmas present for your couple relationship and family.
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Post by anne12 on May 3, 2021 11:26:02 GMT
- Infidelity is individual. Whether it is repeated adultery, where one has gone behind the back of one's partner and lied a lot or if it is a one night stand, admitting what you have done right away.
Most couples have a sense of where the boundary of adultery is but if you disagree or are uncertain about what is okay or not okay, it can be helpful to talk about it.
- Everyone is different - some are very outgoing and have many friends of the opposite sex and some are flirtatious by nature. It can present challenges; It doesn't have to be adultery, but it can weaken the security of the relationship. One should be aware of where your partner's boundary is so that it does not become uncomfortable. Where your partner's boundary is can be quite different from what you think.
- What is considered infedelety is entirely up to the partner to judge, so it may be helpful to talk about it. Ex: Someone gets hurt if their partner masturbates to porn while others think it's just fine. The same goes with flirting or touching - we have different perceptions of whether it is considered within the partners boundary or not.
Deception damages the trust of the partner
There are 10 ways you can deceive your partner without being unfaithful. A breach of sexual loyalty is not the only breach of trust that can ruin the relationship.
- Lack of loyalty is as devastating as having an affair. All forms of deception will damage the trust of the partner, but often it is neglected or overlooked - preferably by both parties. I think that what is most devastating about these kinds of deceptions is treating each other with disgust.
Things that kills a relationship
According to Gottman, there are mainly two things that kills a relationship: lying (you avoid telling, what you really want to avoid conflict) and longing for emotional bonds that you can't get with your partner. He also believes that in the future, new ways of being unfaithful will emerge.
- Sharing your partner's secrets can ruin the relationship. And in the time we live in now it's so easy to share information and there are many ways to share unwanted things about the partner that seem innocent.
Many people may recognize the feeling of having told a white lie. But if you lie a lot and do it to avoid getting your partner angry or disappointed, it is usually a sign that the relationship is not very good.
- Lies can be devastating to the relationship. The same goes for flirts - though you might consider it an innocent flirt, it can make your partner feel exposed. If you find that your partner often makes choices that may feel like a deception, stop and ask yourself if this is what you want and how the relationship will develop if it continues.
10 types of deception that can be just as devastating to the couple relationship as infidelity:
Being with the partner until something better shows up
An affair without sex (for example, being very close with someone at your job and sharing private information with him or her)
Lies
To ally with another and go against your partner
Being mentally absent and cold
Lack of respect
If the sexual interest disappears
Injustice
Selfishness
Breach of contract
Research shows that these various forms of deception will make the relationship more unstable and unsafe.
- In order for your relationship to be safe and stable, it is important to trust your partner and not feel that he or she has a hidden agenda. If you are in a relationship where one or both parties have more of the 10
characteristics, the relationship is probably not particularly solid.
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Post by anne12 on May 3, 2021 11:30:42 GMT
Infidelity and jealousy are in direct contact with the subconscious.
Jealousy:
When I get jealous at someone, it's because I feel threatened by the other. I think the other can do something that does not exist in me. That the other has freer access to something I do not have access to in myself.
Ask yourself:
What are you going to do about this ?
Why am I blocked ?
Examine it further instead of getting jealous.
Infidelity:
When there is someone who is unfaithful, it is because they have met something or go out and look for something, that no longer exists in the relationship.
If you are attracted to someone else, tell your partner.
"Look, I have experienced that I am attracted to xxxx. There is something I do not experience in our relationship that attracts me to the other person. The two of us have to talk about what is missing in our relationship. Do you want to help investigate this with me, so that we can develop our relationship together? "
The other person you are interested in represents something that you are not in enough contact with or something that is not allowed to happen in the the relationship.
Jealousy and the desire for infidelity is the chance to become curious and investigate further in your own relationship. ̈́
It requires that you both have the desire to develop as individuals and as a couple.
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31131/
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Post by anne12 on May 6, 2021 3:32:42 GMT
My partner and I had a crises in our relationship.
So we went into couples counceling. We had 17 sessions together.
Yes, we are not able to travel as a family in the nearest future, but it saved our relationship. The realizations that arose for us in the process are still unfolding in our relationship.
I have been in therapy by myself, but being in couples counceling is different.
The underlying conversation is the most important
A crisis is never just about what it is about on the surface. The way to raise children, finances, structure in everyday life or infidelity: The conflict, episode or quarrel that sends us to a psychologist / couples therapist is just a symptom. If we had been able to figure out to talk directly about what lies beneath, there would be no need for the therapist. As a couple, we talk about the superficial because the root of the conflict is too painful and risky to put into words directly. Often it is also hidden in the subconscious. This is the conversation you can have for the first time and focus on with a good therapist.
It is confrontational
"Mythical hard-knot work" is like being in couples therapy and childhood therapy at the same time. In solo therapy, it's all about 'you'.
When you come as a couple, it is not just you who is in focus anymore. As you tell, your partner is present and he remembers, experiences and feels the same things differently. It feels like being provoked and being constantly pushed all the time. At the same time, you can not only speak, but you must also listen, and the different worlds must be intertwined in a common processing. When you are two, things get more than twice as complicated.
You think you're so smart
- and you are, and at the same time you are just not at all. I thoujght that we would be easy to work with. We are reflective, well-formulated and have been on many self-development courses, I thought. The bonus did not materialize, however: Our rhetoric and self-understanding were so strong that it was locked. And according to the therapist, several of the theories that we had bought into, was not as good as we thought. We were not super clients.
The body responds first
The couples process is about making the unconscious more conscious. But certain conflicts are painful to take responsibility for. When one's nervous system is activated, the body responds first and tries to help with various maneuvers.
When I felt pushed into a corner, the body's defense mechanisms went into action all by themselves. The therapist helped showing my bad sides = my urgent need to go to the toilet. The therapist said something unpleasant that was spot on = my hearing suddenly seemed only 30 percent. The therapist drilled into something really tiring from childhood = she disappeared from my normal field of vision, and I had a tunnel vision. The body knows when you are getting close to something unpleasent, so a big part of the job is to feel what is happening in the body.
Trust the therapist or there will be no progress
In order to develop in process work, one must fully rely on the competence of the person who is to guide you as a couple. It requires a person in the therapist chair who is an authority and knows more than yourself.
Personally, I have previously, when I have gone individually to a psychologist, several times sat and thought that the expert was not that smart. Whether the assumption is correct or not. But not when we went to couples therapy with this therapist. This woman was as sharp as a razor blade. And she could see right through us.
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Post by anne12 on May 6, 2021 4:35:43 GMT
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Post by anne12 on May 20, 2021 14:15:23 GMT
When can you say "I love you"?
- are you "in love" in a relationship (crushing/honeymoon phase), where you do not really know the other person well enough yet - then IT is a bad idea to say it - because it's just a projection
- If the person you are talking to has a hard time loving themselves, it can be hard for the person to take in the compliment/the love
Is it okay for both of you, but it's too early you can say instead - I love when we go for a walk togther - I love what we do together - I love talking to you - I love the way you do things
Men likes to be complimented on what they do.
Most women likes to be complimented on how they look, likes to be complimented for some qualities in them.
If you on the other hand have known the person for more than 1 year, it is recommended that you say it. But it is crucial that you are in touch with your ❤️ when you say it. Saying "I love you" can just be a confirmation that everything is okay, even though it may not be. If there is not enough love in everyday life, it can end in infidelity.
So remember to feel it in your heart. If you can not feel the love, it is good to do some loving acts in the relationship or to be loving.
As a woman, it can be important to fill yourself up, before you can make contact with your heart. Do some loving things towards yourself (selflove exercises) Pleasure is also important for you to be be able to open your heart as a woman.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 7, 2021 8:39:07 GMT
Jealousy Do you suffer from jealousy from time to time when your partner goes out/is on a business trip with the hot college, with friends, other colleges, family ect If your partner tries to accomdate you and stay home more, then this will only feed the jealousy monster because it wants more and more. Instead - find your triggers - regulate - do something good for yourself when your partner goes out, takes a vacation with friends instead of just sitting back home alone counting the hours and ruminating. - - Get up and move instead. - Plan your own night, your own weekend, your own week ect. - Do what makes you fulfilled and happy. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1268/jealousy-relationships |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 13, 2021 15:01:54 GMT
Are you a monogamist by nature or ? Or do you believe that you can prevent infidelity/that you Fall in love with another person if you let eachother flirt with other people ect ? Of course we will meet other attractive people than our partner (if not you are probably shut down) As a couples therapist I have seen that if a person in a couples relationship keeps on flirting with a stranger for a longer time there is a risk that the person will fall in love/get a crush on the other person which can damage the couples relationship. Recommandation: Enjoy the energy boost (dopamine kick) that the other person gives you for around 30 seconds - and then recognize that it is brain chemistry inside YOUR brain, so you do not need the attractive object (person), to be able to enjoy the erotic energy. You Can build up the erotic energy in different ways in your life other than flirting with strangers. There are other ways than monogamy to be in relationships - as long as you are open, honest and have consensus with your partner. What are your attitude towards monogamy vs being in open relationships, or just monogamous relationships, where both flirt / exchange erotic energy with others? www.huffingtonpost.com.au/2017/08/15/micro-cheating-what-is-it-and-does-it-count_a_23077600/A couples attatchment therapist |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 14, 2021 6:39:22 GMT
Science says that a kiss that lasts 6 seconds or more each day will strengthen the emotional bond in your relationship and give spark to your relationship.
Easy peasy - but remember to do this on a daily basis.
- and you still got time to go to work, do the laundry, pick up the kids ect.
A professor in sexology and couples therapy
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2021 5:33:29 GMT
Something my boyfriend has done repeatedly but it still takes me by surprise and creates a remarkable moment... If he hears a sweet song he will take my hand and slow dance with me for a minute or so, anywhere, anytime, no matter who is around, or if no one is around. It makes me feel incredibly feminine and cherished. He's done this at home, in a store, in line at an ice cream stand... and every time it's like everybody else is dancing too, like it just belongs there. I've never experienced anything like this and it's pretty special.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 14, 2021 16:43:14 GMT
Swan couples and true love www.thetimes.co.uk/article/scientists-discover-true-love-wdx5ljtxf39Staying together is a lifetime commitment, but just staying together is not good enough. For true love to last forever, it requires two people to remain open, honest, and to change and grow not just individually, but also as a couple. As changes take place, a successful couple manages to flow with the changes, and love each other through them all. So, can love last forever? Truly, there’s no reason for love to ever end! Scientists have discovered true love. Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love. The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass. A team from Stony Brook University in New York scanned the brains of couples who had been together for 20 years and compared them with those of new lovers. They found that about one in 10 of the mature couples exhibited the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people commonly do in the early stages of a relationship. Previous research suggested that the first stages of romantic love, a rollercoaster ride of mood swings and obsessions that psychologists call limerence, start to fade within 15 months. After 10 years the chemical tide has ebbed away. The scans of some of the long-term couples, however, revealed that elements of limerence mature, enabling them to enjoy what a new report calls “intensive companionship and sexual liveliness.” The reactions of these long-term couples to pictures of their beloved were identified on MRI brain scans as a burst of pleasure-producing dopamine more commonly seen in couples who are gripped in the first flush of lust. “The findings go against the traditional view of romance – that it drops off sharply in the first decade – but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook. So can couples and relationships stay together for a lifetime of love, happiness and togetherness? Absolutely, the question is how much do you want to have a lifetime partner. Still holding hands One of Arthur Aaron's swan pairs is Billy and Michelle Jordon. They have been together for 18 years, but still make their friends envious of their young love. The couple still hold each other's hand, no matter where they are. "It comes so naturally," says Michelle Jordon, 59. Lisa Baber, 40, and her husband, David, 46, have also stuck to the love affair they found 17 years ago. ‘He was so exciting and sweapt my feet away. I still have that feeling, ”says Lisa Baber, revealing their secret: They make sure their lives change all the time. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 2, 2021 11:32:19 GMT
65% of differences in relationships continue to be there and are something that cannot be resolved.
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If one or both parties are stressed in a relationship and do not have time to talk and enjoy each other, but are grumpy, lashes out because of being stressed out ect., then you can put the relationship on pause.
Even if you live together, you can put the relationship on pause.
A relationship requires to be nurtured or there will be missing one or more legs in the relationship (Sternberg's love triangle theory)
Short term stress for 1-2 months without good communication, sex ect. can be okay - but not in the long run.
Take good Care of your relationship
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