I need help after being ghosted

Hi addict

The way this forum operates is a little confusing because the "support" forums aren't very active. I believe they were created with the idea that you could post in here if you ONLY wanted support, and only from people who share your own attachment style. You can absolutely ask this on the main AP or DA forums.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! That must feel horrible to be ghosted after seeing someone for 8 years. I need to go to bed but I will try to come back and give a more useful reply when I have more time.

Hi addict
I hope you are ok. I was hoping you would make another post on one of the more used boards here. Why not try that? I’m sorry you haven’t gotten more of a response. I’m sure it’s just that people didn’t notice your post in here.

Being ghosted is one of the most awful things. Someone who would ghost you like this has serious problems that are not your fault. It says nothing about your value. You did nothing to deserve this treatment. It says a lot about the other person and that they are battling their own demons and can’t be a good partner. You may want to look at the tips in the general forum on self-regulation.

Do you want to talk about what happened? Or do you want any tips on moving on?

addict Being ghosted is absolutely horrible. But it is a clear message that that person cannot even come close to meeting your needs and is not capable of a relationship. In my experience, the best thing to do is to take active steps to help myself move on, rather than waiting around in confusion hoping the person will come back, or worse yet, messaging them over and over, begging them to explain. Are there any actions that you remembered helped you get over someone in the past?

I'll tag a bunch of people who might have good advice or be able to relate, so maybe a couple of them will see this post whenever they have time.

alexandra iz42 serenity tnr9 kisstheviolets 8675309 faithopelove anne12 caro

I just read that he’s ignored your texts for almost two months? That’s a long time not knowing where his mind is at....if you want to try, I’d suggest choosing a time frame to continue to wait and try- and then move on so you’re not stuck in this place of uncertainty and pain indefinitely.

For example, give it two more weeks- then begin to heal and move forward. I’ve gotten over partners in the past by putting away all physical reminders, blocking them at every end- text, email, social media and every time a thought of them came to mind I repeated in my head “delete, delete.” Repeating delete helped stop the unwelcome pattern of thought. Within a couple months I would be over the person. It’s not easy, but you can do it if you must move on. Hang in there....

A big thank you for all your replies, I feel I need to explain the situation...we met many years ago at school, although never spoke to each other. Roll on years later realised we had a strong attraction to each other at a school reunion. We were both married but it was so strong we started an affair. In the beginning it was all him, really chased me and eventually he won me over...he immediately started talking of leaving his wife etc. Anyway to cut a long story short once I decided that I wanted in he started being very cold and it kind of turned the tables where I was then pursuing him. It was very hot and cold relationship where he finished it many times that spanned around 3 years with lots of gaps where I tried to claw it back to the beginning...
Had a break of a year at least then bumped in to each other and it would start again only to repeat the same dance many times. Amongst these times he would say if he could wave a want and not hurt anyone he wanted me but couldn't break up his or my families.
November last year we started chatting on messenger again and he said they were now in the process of splitting up...please bear in mind I have never stopped thinking about him still daily and so I was overjoyed. Strangely he didn't want to meet up, always had excuses but we spoke on the phone and messaged hours daily, I really wanted to get to know him, he wanted me to leave my husband..he was cut up about his marriage ending but mainly because of financial reasons. He said he'd lost his confidence, women always leave him, I was too good for him, the list was endless, I tried as much as I could to help him and make him feel better. Still couldn't pin down a meet up and he'd say he had a great fear of doing things he wanted to do and was scared I'd reject him. He then disappeared for a few days which made me very anxious, I didn't understand why, he then came back and said he'd found out his wife had been cheating on him for over 3 years and he couldn't do anything with me as he felt guilt towards my husband. I said I should leave him be but he said no...there's something big between us so where do we go from here...I suggested slowly getting to know each other and he agreed. Within a day he'd gone very quiet and never really initiated contact again, I would check in with him to make sure he was ok and sometimes he'd be talkative and nice , sometimes ignore me completely. I told him I was going to an event in a town near where I live with a friend from school and he said he'd go to so finally this was going to be the much awaited meet up to see how strong our feelings were for each other, it was a couple of months away and it was around this time he started to be distant and much colder. We had a heart to heart one night and he said he didn't want me to leave my husband for him , only if I wanted to be single and we could date, also said he couldn't be committed to me or anyone else, he'd been too hurt in the past by his first girlfriend who left him for someone else a few weeks after moving in to their house, since then he's built very high walls to stop being hurt again. After she left he played the field for 7 years. He then got someone pregnant and made a go of it to be a good dad, she was the wife he'd just split from. Said he was nervous of a rebound relationship and I felt at the time her started not picking with me, like all of a sudden he could get better. Anyway roll on more cold behaviour and the day arrived for the meet up. He was very nervous, said he hadn't been able to eat for a few days and drank a lot of beer. He was loving, fun, couldn't keep his hands off me, either trying to hold my hand or touch my arm , anything, had loads of chats throughout the day and night and he said we've still got all those feelings, where do we go from here? I was nervous as I'd experienced by now quite a lot of hot and cold and I admitted I had feelings but suggested another meet up..he said he couldn't share me and he couldn't have sex or anything until I was single as I wouldn't feel like his..I understood but needed to get to know him more before deciding. Literally went very cold after that day, couldn't pin him down on another meet up and started to feel him pulling away big time, i went in to AP overdrive...hardly spoke at all or messaged for a week, I was falling apart. He was going on a boys weekend away, I felt jealous...he was no longer being nice just picking fault with me...I sent a message saying have a fab time and that I was so going out with girlfriends, he replied have a good time. I messaged the following evening to ask how it had gone and from that day he never replied. I waited 2 days and asked if all was ok and he took 2 days to open it and still ignored me. I panicked and sent another message asking if we could meet up and have a chat, still no reply. I waited a few days and sent a message saying I think we should say goodbye, it was a lovely, thoughtful heartfelt message saying I still couldn't decide on what my feelings were as we hadn't spent enough time together etc etc. I really thought he would respond as many times he'd Said I meant the world to him and was always there, maybe I was provoking him to say something , anything but he never has! After a week I was desperate and asked if he was ok and could we have a chat and I cared deeply for him but still silence.
I know affairs are wrong and I u understand why he backed off but after all our heartfelt convos and all the things said I didn't think he would act this way towards me. I can only imagine he's met someone else and dosent want to tell me...May be in his mind he thinks it's kinder to not respond...I've been beside myself that I've hurt him but now I don't think so...surely though it would be better to just say to me I've moved on and want you to do the same. The worrying thing for me is why I am still desperately thinking about blowing my life up to see if it's him I want! In reality he's made it clear he dosent want me! Overall we have both been manipulative and I certainly blame myself for getting involved but 8 years us a long time to feel this way. I guess over the years I've always thought if he was single he'd want me, mainly because of everything he's said and it's a shock that he's chosen not to pursue me now...he constantly put up walls between us, always went missing in action after we'd opened up and is frightened of getting feelings for someone. On our meet up he asked why I felt like I did over him as he feels not that special...he's definitely very insecure underneath a jack the lad front he puts on..I know the right thing is to sort my shit out and leave him alone but I feel very strongly for him and find my I securities are having a hard time letting go. After a read he's scared she's scared it was perfect on every page to how we both deal with things...so sorry for very long post 😥

Thank you for responding, I agree with what you're saying, he's no longer married but I am. I'm trying to move on and work on myself... I've never felt this way before so I'm learning... Slowly... I appreciate your help and will take your points on board

BTW, I wouldn't be surprised if both of you might actually be FA. There's no way to tell with him right now, and it's probably not relevant anyway, as you two are insecurely attached to each other without a doubt.

However, it may be helpful to you knowing what your next steps for healing may be to actually assess your attachment style, which you can do here if you're interested. Two options that both give slightly different interesting information:

www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/