|
|
Post by amber on Dec 1, 2019 4:09:56 GMT
I was with my partner who I believe may be an ?FA for a week shy of our one year anniversary. He ended things stating “I don’t feel a strong enough connection/love for you/want to give you more but feel I am holding back”. This was a month after an argument where he felt I undermined his trust.
He was vague about how long he had been feeling this way for, gave me conflicting answers. I had asked him a few times in the last six months if he was happy in the r/ship etc and he always emphatically said yes
It was relatively a shock, and unexpected. He did distance the last six months but had a lot of stress in his life which he put this down to. I have been aware of attachment styles for some time and in therapy myself so was very conscious and respecting of his needs for space and believe I did not put my anxious feelings on him for the most part.
I am confused as he acted very loving, super affectionate and caring throughout the r/ship. Definetly though distanced by telling me he was an introvert and needed a lot of alone time.
Red flags- last ten years only short term relationships of 1-6 months. He ended it each time stating the connection changed or was lost for him. I was his longest r/ship in the last decade.
Had a 14 year r/ship with a woman who was borderline, he had kids with her. Very dysfunctional r/ship. All women he has been with lots of drama in their lives
-couldn’t express needs/ feelings at all
-told me he didn’t see into the future for himself in any way and didn’t know what he wanted from a r/ship or if he wanted a long term r/ship (just wanted to live in the moment)
-struggled to make new friends and didn’t spend a lot of time with friends
-seemed stuck in his life and unable to make decisions, had little direction and very low self esteem
I’m reeling from this. I have anxious attachment style so all makes sense but I’m devestated. Wanting to know if his behaviour is typical of FA attachment? Do they come back after breaking up with you? I’d like to make the r/ship work but at the same time know it probably wouldn’t as it was unhealthy in many ways
Would love to hear from people with FA attachment or those that have been in a relationship with one
|
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 17:19:13 GMT
I was with my partner who I believe may be an ?FA for a week shy of our one year anniversary. He ended things stating “I don’t feel a strong enough connection/love for you/want to give you more but feel I am holding back”. This was a month after an argument where he felt I undermined his trust. He was vague about how long he had been feeling this way for, gave me conflicting answers. I had asked him a few times in the last six months if he was happy in the r/ship etc and he always emphatically said yes It was relatively a shock, and unexpected. He did distance the last six months but had a lot of stress in his life which he put this down to. I have been aware of attachment styles for some time and in therapy myself so was very conscious and respecting of his needs for space and believe I did not put my anxious feelings on him for the most part. I am confused as he acted very loving, super affectionate and caring throughout the r/ship. Definetly though distanced by telling me he was an introvert and needed a lot of alone time. Red flags- last ten years only short term relationships of 1-6 months. He ended it each time stating the connection changed or was lost for him. I was his longest r/ship in the last decade. Had a 14 year r/ship with a woman who was borderline, he had kids with her. Very dysfunctional r/ship. All women he has been with lots of drama in their lives -couldn’t express needs/ feelings at all -told me he didn’t see into the future for himself in any way and didn’t know what he wanted from a r/ship or if he wanted a long term r/ship (just wanted to live in the moment) -struggled to make new friends and didn’t spend a lot of time with friends -seemed stuck in his life and unable to make decisions, had little direction and very low self esteem I’m reeling from this. I have anxious attachment style so all makes sense but I’m devestated. Wanting to know if his behaviour is typical of FA attachment? Do they come back after breaking up with you? I’d like to make the r/ship work but at the same time know it probably wouldn’t as it was unhealthy in many ways Would love to hear from people with FA attachment or those that have been in a relationship with one From my point of view...yes he appears FA as this is how my FA partner shows up. And yes they do come back as mine has 5 times but not sure why they come back. I feel mine loves me the best he can but he definitely always has one foot out of the door. We have been together 2 yrs and the last 6mths has been the longest he hasn't felt the need to run. I think this is due to the fact I dont act anxious anymore after doing the work on my side. The relationship we have now suits me on the whole especially now I understand about attachment and have stopped taking things personal and doing protest behaviour. We get along just fine on the whole. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Dec 1, 2019 18:24:23 GMT
I was with my partner who I believe may be an ?FA for a week shy of our one year anniversary. He ended things stating “I don’t feel a strong enough connection/love for you/want to give you more but feel I am holding back”. This was a month after an argument where he felt I undermined his trust. He was vague about how long he had been feeling this way for, gave me conflicting answers. I had asked him a few times in the last six months if he was happy in the r/ship etc and he always emphatically said yes It was relatively a shock, and unexpected. He did distance the last six months but had a lot of stress in his life which he put this down to. I have been aware of attachment styles for some time and in therapy myself so was very conscious and respecting of his needs for space and believe I did not put my anxious feelings on him for the most part. I am confused as he acted very loving, super affectionate and caring throughout the r/ship. Definetly though distanced by telling me he was an introvert and needed a lot of alone time. Red flags- last ten years only short term relationships of 1-6 months. He ended it each time stating the connection changed or was lost for him. I was his longest r/ship in the last decade. Had a 14 year r/ship with a woman who was borderline, he had kids with her. Very dysfunctional r/ship. All women he has been with lots of drama in their lives -couldn’t express needs/ feelings at all -told me he didn’t see into the future for himself in any way and didn’t know what he wanted from a r/ship or if he wanted a long term r/ship (just wanted to live in the moment) -struggled to make new friends and didn’t spend a lot of time with friends -seemed stuck in his life and unable to make decisions, had little direction and very low self esteem I’m reeling from this. I have anxious attachment style so all makes sense but I’m devestated. Wanting to know if his behaviour is typical of FA attachment? Do they come back after breaking up with you? I’d like to make the r/ship work but at the same time know it probably wouldn’t as it was unhealthy in many ways Would love to hear from people with FA attachment or those that have been in a relationship with one He sounds FA for sure. I just recently broke up with my FA of a year and a half. We had a breakup over the summer that left me pretty devastated and shocked. We got back together and things were pure bliss, better than ever. But the intimacy that should be normal for a secure relationship was too much for him and he ended up distancing himself a few more times before I decided I couldn't go on like that. I have needs, normal needs, and he would never be able to meet them, not for me, not for anyone unless he wanted to do any self work. I'm sorry you're going through this, I understand. I have been in ongoing therapy for years, and a session with a hypnotherapist was instrumental in helping me let go of the anxiety this relationship had been causing me. I am sad that he and I couldn't make it work, but I am not in a pit of despair about it. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 1, 2019 20:57:21 GMT
Helbels Thankyou for your response. In your experience do they take long to come back? What is the best way to approach this? No contact?
It’s been over a week and he is responsive and friendly in texts but no signs of returning. My fear is he won’t because he has taken full custody of one son and is under a lot of stress with little time, which I know is hard for an FA.
Also wondering if they arnt the type to explicitly say they want the r/ship back, if you are the one that needs to initiate this
|
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 21:34:28 GMT
Helbels Thankyou for your response. In your experience do they take long to come back? What is the best way to approach this? No contact? It’s been over a week and he is responsive and friendly in texts but no signs of returning. My fear is he won’t because he has taken full custody of one son and is under a lot of stress with little time, which I know is hard for an FA. Also wondering if they arnt the type to explicitly say they want the r/ship back, if you are the one that needs to initiate this The longest mine took was almost three months. Whilst I was always very responsive to his texts he acted friendly but like it was definitely over. When I cooled off a bit and started doing more for myself he came on strong as I think he got scared. He has always be very indirect about coming back. Like one time asking good I take him on as a lodger. My cant ask directly to come back and will use excuses. Another time was I needed a dog sitter as I was going away and he offer to do it for me even though we were no longer together. He did dog sit and never left we are still together now. From my experience they always come back buck you have to take the awkwardness away and make there return matter of fact. My bf is very classic fa. I have never met friends or family even though they know all about me and are desperate to meet me. He drinks alot and has a video gaming addiction to avoid any real intimacy. That wouldn't suit everyone but I also have my ways of avoidancy so kind of suits me too. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask anything that might help. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 1, 2019 21:50:56 GMT
Helsbels three months! I’m not sure I would have the patience. I really don’t know what to do with this man...he is so unique, unlike any I have ever met. That’s what makes me want to stick around it his incredible ability to be so attentive and affectionate and loving. However I don’t know if we did get back together how I could move past trusting him again... he held back from being honest for so long and no says he feels he needs more love to be with me; it’s not a nice place to be in to feel your partner doesn’t love you enough. Is this jut a typical FA defence mechanism? I really felt from his actions and words and energy he did really love me
And was totally into me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 21:51:39 GMT
Helbels Thankyou for your response. In your experience do they take long to come back? What is the best way to approach this? No contact? It’s been over a week and he is responsive and friendly in texts but no signs of returning. My fear is he won’t because he has taken full custody of one son and is under a lot of stress with little time, which I know is hard for an FA. Also wondering if they arnt the type to explicitly say they want the r/ship back, if you are the one that needs to initiate this Also mine doesn't handle stress well at all. He almost recently bolted because of a misshap at work. It made him want to run away. I noticed him really pull away for the first time in the 6 months weve been back together. He was seriously going travelling in his van. After a couple of days and me just being upset but telling him ok if that's what you want to do,he never went. He sat it out as painful as it was for him, because bolting is what he does he admitted to me it was the pressure of the job and all the things that kept going wrong in work so we talked about it and he left that job and resumed back to being loving to me. It was only temp work so no biggie but just trying to give you a little insight on how we can take it personal but most of the time it's not really about us. Believe me you haven't heard the last of him. If you had he wouldn't even be talking to you xx |
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 21:58:30 GMT
Helsbels three months! I’m not sure I would have the patience. I really don’t know what to do with this man...he is so unique, unlike any I have ever met. That’s what makes me want to stick around it his incredible ability to be so attentive and affectionate and loving. However I don’t know if we did get back together how I could move past trusting him again... he held back from being honest for so long and no says he feels he needs more love to be with me; it’s not a nice place to be in to feel your partner doesn’t love you enough. Is this jut a typical FA defence mechanism? I really felt from his actions and words and energy he did really love me And was totally into me. [br I think what you felt was real and true. The first time he deactivated was after a really protest from me and he was only gone a week so it might not be three months. I really acted out in the early days and it wasnt pretty as I was so confused by his behaviour. Believe me when you understand about attachment and dont take it personal things really improve. I am so much calmer around him now, I dont protest or act insecure I just chill and do more for myself and we get along just fine. |
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 22:07:03 GMT
Helsbels three months! I’m not sure I would have the patience. I really don’t know what to do with this man...he is so unique, unlike any I have ever met. That’s what makes me want to stick around it his incredible ability to be so attentive and affectionate and loving. However I don’t know if we did get back together how I could move past trusting him again... he held back from being honest for so long and no says he feels he needs more love to be with me; it’s not a nice place to be in to feel your partner doesn’t love you enough. Is this jut a typical FA defence mechanism? I really felt from his actions and words and energy he did really love me And was totally into me. Yes I believe it is typical fa defence mechanism, mine as also said something very similar to me. He told me recently the reason I haven't met his family or friends is because he doesn't know if our relationship is going anywhere. I'm his longest relationship bar one that lasted 3 yrs. I think gosh after 2 yrs you must know if it's going somewhere. Sone nights after a few drinks hes like it's time you met my family you would love them and they would really love you. And then in the morning sober he mentions nothing. I dont react or take it personal now as this is his stuff and not mine. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 2, 2019 0:38:42 GMT
Thankyou. I’m not sure him being in contact means he will be back... I sent him a long text last week stating all the contradictory things he said, how he loved me bla bla...he said he would like to respond in person and since then we have exchanged a few texts about this. Today he initiated a time to meet.he also has some of my things which I asked for back. So this leads me to conclude he is in contact because he wants to talk about what I brought up in texts. He’s also a super people pleaser and hates to be seen in a bad light so probably wants to get in my good books more than anything else
|
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Dec 2, 2019 7:52:56 GMT
Thats a tough one Amber, especially the part where he's experiencing detachment, and doesn't realize its part of his attachment style:(
If he's FA, he will cycle back when he feels anxious about losing you, regardless of what he says now. Its always better to give a lot of space rather than cling , coddle or try to bargain with him. Just give space. I would even try to postpone the meeting you organised with him for a week or two.
And in that time, may I suggest you revisit your `dating partner wishlist' ? It can really help to write this down, and see if what you need matches what is being offered.
|
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 2, 2019 11:11:12 GMT
Thankyou. Why do you suggest more time before the meet up? Do they need more time to realise their loss? Thanks for info
Interesting that they all have this pattern of cycling back
|
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 2, 2019 12:57:00 GMT
Helsbels three months! I’m not sure I would have the patience. I really don’t know what to do with this man...he is so unique, unlike any I have ever met. That’s what makes me want to stick around it his incredible ability to be so attentive and affectionate and loving. However I don’t know if we did get back together how I could move past trusting him again... he held back from being honest for so long and no says he feels he needs more love to be with me; it’s not a nice place to be in to feel your partner doesn’t love you enough. Is this jut a typical FA defence mechanism? I really felt from his actions and words and energy he did really love me And was totally into me. It's no wonder Brianna Mcwilliam calls F-A's "spice of lifers", everyone that talks about F-As express "uniqueness" and "passion" etc, very interesting. Mine was a very passionate lover. Mine was 3 weeks max. between contact after she called it off. I went 'no contact', she texted me weekly, I tried to set dates up, and there was always an excuse. She chased me for 15-18 months prior, 3 month relationship. She was all over me 9/10 attraction, jumping on me, biting etc, insane chemistry. We still have it today. I've never met anyone like her. I went full no contact and no friends with her, she always found a way where we would meet at a social event around town etc, at the 6-8 week mark, was hilarious to be honest, she push-pulled for about 6 months after, I tried one last time being totally open with feelings, she said she was coping day to day, and if it was meant to be we'd find each other again. I just called off my 1 year long relationship with another person, and we are sort of seeing each other again. What I would say, if you really love this person. And you can control your feelings, not get too hurt (and I'm saying this from a secure standpoint, it even drove me to some anxiety, of which I have never ever felt in my dating life, hence why I looked for answers) because this can lead down a deep rabbit hole if ya not weary and careful where you are at. Stay in contact and show some consistency, and maybe the guy may open up, ya never know. As Jeb Kinnison actually states in his Avoidant attachment e-book. BTW: set yourself boundaries, I am not going to accept the same push-pull scenario as I did (was the first time in my life I had ever seen it), and have been very open and vulnerable this time around and shown a lot more consistency texting etc, supporting her etc. I think she has done some work, as shes being more honest and open. However again, past week I detect a pullback. I will be trying to get to her to open up a bit with her feelings etc more this time. I've been listening to Thais Gibson. See how we go  . Thing is no huge expectation  , as it would be very difficult to break this pattern, even when you are aware and working on it. I'm just trying to be mindful, supportive and a listener, and if I don;t see any improvement I will have to just remain friends this time around, if she can't improve/work on herself. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 2, 2019 20:08:06 GMT
Dual citizen
Wow, I get it. I’ve read a lot about FA on this forum and consensus is unless they are doing a lot of work (like any of us really), they don’t change. My experience also mirrors others in r/ship with this type-I actually feel slightly traumatised by my interaction with this person (sounds dramatic).i lives with so much fear and anxiety with the subtle push pull over the last six months (and a sense that there was something that was never being said by him, which later turned out to be correct), that I most four kg and felt like I lost certain parts of myself and my life. Intermittent reinforcement is very addictive! I realise I was actually in an addiction cycle with this person. I think they are so unique because there’s a mysteriousness to them- unlike most people who operate out of one side of the nervous system (or both in a healthy way like secures)..they flip between anxious and avoidant (ie fight and flight) and my take on this is that they end up in FREEZE mode a lot of the time. Typical of my ex who was stuck and lost and unable to make decisions, even when blatantly asked of him. Must be a lot of trauma for these folks who got stuck in freeze mode as a response.
I’ve decided I’m not going back to relationship with this person as I don’t see it changing and it’s toxic to my health.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 2, 2019 22:12:21 GMT
Dual citizen Wow, I get it. I’ve read a lot about FA on this forum and consensus is unless they are doing a lot of work (like any of us really), they don’t change. My experience also mirrors others in r/ship with this type-I actually feel slightly traumatised by my interaction with this person (sounds dramatic).i lives with so much fear and anxiety with the subtle push pull over the last six months (and a sense that there was something that was never being said by him, which later turned out to be correct), that I most four kg and felt like I lost certain parts of myself and my life. Intermittent reinforcement is very addictive! I realise I was actually in an addiction cycle with this person. I think they are so unique because there’s a mysteriousness to them- unlike most people who operate out of one side of the nervous system (or both in a healthy way like secures)..they flip between anxious and avoidant (ie fight and flight) and my take on this is that they end up in FREEZE mode a lot of the time. Typical of my ex who was stuck and lost and unable to make decisions, even when blatantly asked of him. Must be a lot of trauma for these folks who got stuck in freeze mode as a response. I’ve decided I’m not going back to relationship with this person as I don’t see it changing and it’s toxic to my health. Nice boundary there Amber, for your own well being and health. That's the thing, with reading and direct answers from folks in here, I realise myself, unless this girl is working on herself, totally mindful of her behaviour (which she is, we've touched on it and she apologised for pulling away last year, and she seems to be mindful of her behaviour and opening up slightly about it all to me) and working on fixing it herself (hopefully I can be of support to her if she requires it/asks for it, i'm not forcing her), a serious relationship cannot ensue, it'll be cycling only sadly. It's just unhealthy and causes a lot of grief to any attachment style involved. All the best to you and thanks for sharing |
|
. Thing is no huge expectation 
, as it would be very difficult to break this pattern, even when you are aware and working on it. I'm just trying to be mindful, supportive and a listener, and if I don;t see any improvement I will have to just remain friends this time around, if she can't improve/work on herself.