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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 0:07:33 GMT
My FA ex (who I also think has C-PTSD) broke up with me almost 2 years ago after a 3 year relationship which involved his complete emotional/sexual shutting down on me. In his absence I discovered all about attachment styles and figured out what I think his issues are. I’ve cried, grieved, yearned for him over these past 2 years, and also worked on myself a ton and healed so much. I instigated a complete NC situation immediately on his leaving, I knew we needed sanity and clarity to move forward. However, his behaviour since the break up has been absolutely bizarre at times and seems to be ramping up towards something. My feelings for him have done a complete about turn this past month due to his most recent bombshell, which I’ll explain below.
Since the break up the following has happened -
- He moves out of my house and into a new house in the same city
- Almost immediately started a relationship with a girl who lived in that house
- It went terribly and imploded after about 8 months
- He was forced to leave that house and he chose to move back to a house on my road about a 60 second walk from my door to his
- He has contacted me a handful of times, mostly to ask for friendship.
- Whenever I’ve mentioned that he’s living too close for us to healthily move on he says he regrets moving there and he had no choice...but he doesn’t think either of us should move.
- Last month I found out he is in a relationship with a good friend of mine, who I unfortunately had to cut off so I’m not privy to anything she posts on social media about him. They met about 6 months ago when she was replacing me in the role I used to have in a project of his. She is also a big part of a project I lead and I met her about a year before he did. I had to remove her from it as a result of their relationship, which is super sad and I wish I was more over him so I could let her stay. But I’m still healing and I can’t handle knowing what he’s up to.
So you can see why I’m struggling a bit with this! Throughout our break up I have remained consistent. I have sent him 2 long, non-emotional and caring messages, a year apart and both triggered by his behaviour. In both I raised the issues of what happened to us, why it happened, what I’ve learned about FA and CPTSD, and why I don’t believe we can be friends due to us wanting such different things (I still love him and he only wants friendship). I’m secure, so as sad as I am about the loss of him, my boundaries are super clear and I am willing to move forward without him.
However, he doesn’t seem able to let me go properly. The proximity of his current living situation, coupled with the fact he is in a relationship with my actual replacement is pretty intense. I keep hearing things from mutual friends, he asked his mother if she’d heard from me, he cornered my housemate out in public for ages last week to tell her why it’s fine that he’s in a relationship with my friend. She at one point had to remind him that he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to her! She said it was like he was projecting all of his issues with me into her.
I’m currently so over wanting to be with him, which is a surprising revelation. I don’t have the energy for his problems anymore. I’m definitely desiring a secure partnership and I’m tentatively communicating with a lovely man who is the complete opposite of my ex. I want to move on. I want to heal from this. But my ex is making it so hard and I don’t fully understand what he’s doing. Do I need to move house? I really hope not but I’m finding this current situation super challenging.
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Post by mrob on Dec 4, 2019 0:34:27 GMT
I suggest some sort of lawyer’s letter, then if it’s not successful, a restraining order. Surely he’ll get the message then.
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 1:21:38 GMT
I suggest some sort of lawyer’s letter, then if it’s not successful, a restraining order. Surely he’ll get the message then. Do you think it’s that severe? It’s been so long, 10 months of him living on my road, and I’ve lost all sense of what’s normal! He hasn’t physically hurt me or even bothered me that much. He was stood outside my house about 2 months ago, but he was waiting for my housemate to come out. They did hang out, so that’s true. But I was so angry at him for doing that, knowing how I feel and how I’m trying to heal. In my last message I said I can’t see him on the street like that, because it’s stopping me from healing. I said we need to be done if we’re done. I also mentioned I was seeing someone, that was the first time he’d heard me say that. He didn’t respond, but 1 week later I got the message from her saying they were in a relationship. All of his actions individually could be chalked up as nothing. But when you put them all together... |
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Post by mrob on Dec 4, 2019 2:00:22 GMT
It may be too severe. Have you blocked him everywhere so you can’t see his messages?
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 4, 2019 3:05:41 GMT
I suggest some sort of lawyer’s letter, then if it’s not successful, a restraining order. Surely he’ll get the message then. Do you think it’s that severe? It’s been so long, 10 months of him living on my road, and I’ve lost all sense of what’s normal! He hasn’t physically hurt me or even bothered me that much. He was stood outside my house about 2 months ago, but he was waiting for my housemate to come out. They did hang out, so that’s true. But I was so angry at him for doing that, knowing how I feel and how I’m trying to heal. In my last message I said I can’t see him on the street like that, because it’s stopping me from healing. I said we need to be done if we’re done. I also mentioned I was seeing someone, that was the first time he’d heard me say that. He didn’t respond, but 1 week later I got the message from her saying they were in a relationship. All of his actions individually could be chalked up as nothing. But when you put them all together... - Courts wouldn’t grant a restraining order on those grounds. It’s not at all easy to get a permanent restraining order in the US. I tried and failed against my ex-husband. The courts take those very seriously bc permanent restraining orders are permanent for a life time and cannot be lifted without the plaintiff’s permission. And if one violates a restraining order it’s automatic jail time. You’re better off officially communicating to him in writing that you’d like to be left alone, block him and do your best to avoid him. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 4, 2019 3:08:42 GMT
I suspect all he needs is a scare. I'd never go near somebody if they didn't want me to, but that's a really scary, slithering way of staying in your life.
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Post by serenity on Dec 4, 2019 5:31:29 GMT
I suggest some sort of lawyer’s letter, then if it’s not successful, a restraining order. Surely he’ll get the message then. Do you think it’s that severe? It’s been so long, 10 months of him living on my road, and I’ve lost all sense of what’s normal! He hasn’t physically hurt me or even bothered me that much. He was stood outside my house about 2 months ago, but he was waiting for my housemate to come out. They did hang out, so that’s true. But I was so angry at him for doing that, knowing how I feel and how I’m trying to heal. In my last message I said I can’t see him on the street like that, because it’s stopping me from healing. I said we need to be done if we’re done. I also mentioned I was seeing someone, that was the first time he’d heard me say that. He didn’t respond, but 1 week later I got the message from her saying they were in a relationship. All of his actions individually could be chalked up as nothing. But when you put them all together... You have been through an awful lot, I can imagine how stressful its been since he moved back. From the outside, it looks like he wants to be near you to avoid feeling the grief of his decision to leave you, without actually wishing to repair the relationship.? Sounds like he's very invasive and the constant reminders and triggering is keeping you from moving on properly. I'd suggest giving yourself a time frame and consider moving if he's still pressing buttons. He caused you a lot of pain, and he's causing more pain to avoid feeling the consequences of what he did IMO. You can sometimes get through these situations via talking, but it sounds like he takes it all as an invitation to keep doing what hes doing. I 'd stop telling him things like you love him or anything about your dating life. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2019 6:12:53 GMT
I know moving can be an ordeal, but it also can be a really refreshing change of scenery. If it's a viable option I personally would take it in a heartbeat. It requires no communication or cooperation from this guy who is way out of bounds. It frees you to start fresh without this drama lurking in view. Perhaps he would continue his game somehow- but what are the odds he'd move on your street a second time?
I think it's a great option if you aren't overly attached to where you're at now. It's decisive, a bit of an adventure, and you taking charge of your space and happiness. Who wants to see an ex on their block all the time, who wants to know it's a possibility every single day? It's crappy he moved there but what's done is done. Moving yourself seems so fresh and like I said, requires no cooperation from troublemaker.
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 10:49:02 GMT
It may be too severe. Have you blocked him everywhere so you can’t see his messages? Yes I blocked him everywhere when I found out he was in his first relationship, so that was over a year ago. I deleted his number when we broke up, threw out the stuff he’d left at mine and moved all documents related to him that I can’t delete to a hidden folder I can’t see on my computer. The only thing he did after I blocked him was to make a new Instagram account, so in theory he can look at mine if he wants to because mine is public. I should probably block that one too. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 10:52:33 GMT
Do you think it’s that severe? It’s been so long, 10 months of him living on my road, and I’ve lost all sense of what’s normal! He hasn’t physically hurt me or even bothered me that much. He was stood outside my house about 2 months ago, but he was waiting for my housemate to come out. They did hang out, so that’s true. But I was so angry at him for doing that, knowing how I feel and how I’m trying to heal. In my last message I said I can’t see him on the street like that, because it’s stopping me from healing. I said we need to be done if we’re done. I also mentioned I was seeing someone, that was the first time he’d heard me say that. He didn’t respond, but 1 week later I got the message from her saying they were in a relationship. All of his actions individually could be chalked up as nothing. But when you put them all together... - Courts wouldn’t grant a restraining order on those grounds. It’s not at all easy to get a permanent restraining order in the US. I tried and failed against my ex-husband. The courts take those very seriously bc permanent restraining orders are permanent for a life time and cannot be lifted without the plaintiff’s permission. And if one violates a restraining order it’s automatic jail time. You’re better off officially communicating to him in writing that you’d like to be left alone, block him and do your best to avoid him. Thank you for the info. I don’t feel like a restraining order is necessary, he’s a decent human being, never violent in any way. He is full of anger towards himself, he’s never angry at other people. I’ve told him several times that it’s hard having him so close and that I think one of us should move. When he started dating my friend I told her that he should move. That was the last communication, about a month ago. But perhaps it would be best if I left. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 10:55:25 GMT
I suspect all he needs is a scare. I'd never go near somebody if they didn't want me to, but that's a really scary, slithering way of staying in your life. Yeah I feel exactly the same! If someone doesn’t want me I immediately exit their life in a calm way, even if it is emotionally devastating for me. When he broke us up I instigated NC that night. It’s just sanity to me! After a break up I feel like being separate from my ex is absolutely necessary for both of us, so we can heal and develop new lives. His responses after our break up have surprised me, they seem so disregulated and strange. It makes me realise how deep his problems are. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 11:07:19 GMT
Do you think it’s that severe? It’s been so long, 10 months of him living on my road, and I’ve lost all sense of what’s normal! He hasn’t physically hurt me or even bothered me that much. He was stood outside my house about 2 months ago, but he was waiting for my housemate to come out. They did hang out, so that’s true. But I was so angry at him for doing that, knowing how I feel and how I’m trying to heal. In my last message I said I can’t see him on the street like that, because it’s stopping me from healing. I said we need to be done if we’re done. I also mentioned I was seeing someone, that was the first time he’d heard me say that. He didn’t respond, but 1 week later I got the message from her saying they were in a relationship. All of his actions individually could be chalked up as nothing. But when you put them all together... You have been through an awful lot, I can imagine how stressful its been since he moved back. From the outside, it looks like he wants to be near you to avoid feeling the grief of his decision to leave you, without actually wishing to repair the relationship.? Sounds like he's very invasive and the constant reminders and triggering is keeping you from moving on properly. I'd suggest giving yourself a time frame and consider moving if he's still pressing buttons. He caused you a lot of pain, and he's causing more pain to avoid feeling the consequences of what he did IMO. You can sometimes get through these situations via talking, but it sounds like he takes it all as an invitation to keep doing what hes doing. I 'd stop telling him things like you love him or anything about your dating life. Thank you serenity, very wise words. Yes you’re right, I need to stop responding. He broke our NC when he moved to my road in February to ask me ‘how I felt about it.’ I brushed it off and reminded him we still haven’t had a proper conversation about what happened to us and that is the only conversation I ever want to have with him. I’m not interested in games or breadcrumbs. Since then he asked me to meet with him back in May, which I did at a cafe for about an hour, but it was more of the same from him. He knows clearly how I feel and that I’m sad but ok with us moving forward with separate lives if we want different things. But he hasn’t gone and he doesn’t think I need to go either. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, in the most FA way he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want me gone. I feel like his self-hatred is so powerful it’s spilling out and it’s trying to hurt me. He know that I know his problems intimately, because we lived together for so long. He doesn’t like anyone knowing that side of him and by having a relationship with my friend he gets to ‘hurt me back’. But it’s had the opposite effect, I really didn’t think it would! He has plummeted in my estimation, I used to have him on a pedestal and now I see him for what he really is. He’s so small and broken and tragic. Every romantic relationship he touches turns to dust and he leaves broken partners behind him. The interesting thing is he’s always run away with previous partners, to the extent of emigrating twice. With me he ran and then came back, as close as anyone reasonably can. I am so tired of his dysfunction, I worked so hard to love him when we were together and even after the break when I deep dived into attachment theory and told him everything I’d learned. You’re right, I need to not tell him anything else about my life. I still love him but I no longer want to be with him. He’s so draining. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 4, 2019 11:10:33 GMT
I know moving can be an ordeal, but it also can be a really refreshing change of scenery. If it's a viable option I personally would take it in a heartbeat. It requires no communication or cooperation from this guy who is way out of bounds. It frees you to start fresh without this drama lurking in view. Perhaps he would continue his game somehow- but what are the odds he'd move on your street a second time? I think it's a great option if you aren't overly attached to where you're at now. It's decisive, a bit of an adventure, and you taking charge of your space and happiness. Who wants to see an ex on their block all the time, who wants to know it's a possibility every single day? It's crappy he moved there but what's done is done. Moving yourself seems so fresh and like I said, requires no cooperation from troublemaker. Thank you, yes that’s really good advice. I love where I live, I’ve been here for 8 years but this current situation with him is like purgatory. It’s not helping either of us. I am looking into moving to a completely different part of the country at the moment, there is an exciting option I can take if I want it. I’m just figuring out if its what I really want. I can’t imagine he’d follow me there, so I should be safe! |
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Post by mrob on Dec 4, 2019 12:08:19 GMT
Can I be frank? This isn’t just FA behaviour. This borders on harassment, and you being uncomfortable is enough for it to be that way. As an FA, I want people to respect my sovereignty and I respect theirs. This isn’t respecting your sovereignty as a human being. Repeatedly. I think you’ve copped enough and I’d be spending the couple of hundred dollars on a lawyer’s letter to get rid of him once and for all, and get your peace of mind back.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2019 17:28:31 GMT
Can I be frank? This isn’t just FA behaviour. This borders on harassment, and you being uncomfortable is enough for it to be that way. As an FA, I want people to respect my sovereignty and I respect theirs. This isn’t respecting your sovereignty as a human being. Repeatedly. I think you’ve copped enough and I’d be spending the couple of hundred dollars on a lawyer’s letter to get rid of him once and for all, and get your peace of mind back. I agree that his gig is beyond FA, and an unequivocal NO should be handed to him directly. I'm of the mind that the first step there should be a total ceasing of personal communication about feelings and private lives. That means, enlist friends to have boundaries- a good boundary from the friend would have been a hand up and saying "I will not discuss this with you, it's none of my concern and your association with throwaway is over. Good day." No entreaties for space, citing emotional reasons. It isn't necessary, because the fact is- he lives there now. He can come and go and see or be seen. That's the shitty reality. All that talking to him about it's impacts does is give him some drama to attach reactions to. I think most attorneys, prior to drafting a letter where no real laws have been broken, is... "Have you completely blocked him and asked your friends not to talk about him with you?" It's usually first a matter of personal choices and remedial actions that need to be addressed. The fact is, even though it makes you uncomfortable he is completely within his LEGAL rights to live there, ask his mom about you, talk to people about you. It may be considered harassment by proxy, to you- but in a legal sense it may not. It's just weak boundaries on both ends. You admit that you are still attached to him emotionally, that's understandable. By this I mean that you don't have full emotional closure and are impacted by things he says and does. But that also is not a legal issue. It's painful, but really just seems more emotionally messy than legally questionable. I have a belief that when you're done and decisive, and don't have cracks in your boundaries, people go away. Except in the most extreme situations, and in those there are generally clear violations of law which can be addressed. Your own emotional strings to this are what give it power. So yes, I do think that a hard no should be delivered in the form of tight personal boundaries with you and your circle of friends. But he will still live there- and it's totally up to you if you want to move and get a fresh start. You can't run from your problems (meaning if you can't make hard boundaries where you are then moving isn't your answer either, you will take your unfinished business with you). However, you can move off the same street as your toxic ex, and might really enjoy the freedom of doing so. Best of luck- he doesn't sound dangerous to me, he sounds rather pathetic and emotionally manipulative. I think the threat is the pain it triggers- and that's internal to you. It's not your fault. Emotions are powerful! But it certainly will be harder to heal without assertive action on your part, whether that's better boundaries, or better boundaries and a move to a neat new landscape. Whatever it takes, it's nice to have the freedom to choose! |
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