Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
|
Post by Me on Mar 12, 2020 0:15:33 GMT
Confusedm, Avoidants can do 3-6 month honeymoons just fine, and she's only been with this new person 2 months. I'd say she is behaving true to type. I love trn9's suggestions, and totally agree with her. You don't `have to hear' about her. Just gently let your acquaintances/friends know you wish to not hear about her. And stay away from her social media. Its awfully hard to do, but reading about her new relationship is so bad for your mental health and recovery. Maybe but apparently she's also gotten certified to go work on boats with him all summer in europe. That sounds sort of not avoidant? Future plans, commitments, etc... That's not for another 2-3 months and is another 3-4 month commitment to basically living together and sailing around europe. I just don't get it. My roommate who is friends with the people that connect this whole situation actually said to me that they're not even that big of fans of this guy. I just don't understand how she's able to have this guy living with her, he's completely dependent on her and her choices, she gets no room to be her own person and do her own things because he has no life here, and now she's committed to living with him in europe. just like wtf man He could be more avoidant than her so she isnt triggered yet or he could not be demanding she meet his needs or more willing to put up with her bad behaviour or like serenity said it could be superficial reasons especially if she is a narcissist. It might not seem like it but you are better off without her because it wont be a healthy relationship and the longer you are together the more damage it will cause you |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 12, 2020 8:53:50 GMT
Confusedm, Avoidants can do 3-6 month honeymoons just fine, and she's only been with this new person 2 months. I'd say she is behaving true to type. I love trn9's suggestions, and totally agree with her. You don't `have to hear' about her. Just gently let your acquaintances/friends know you wish to not hear about her. And stay away from her social media. Its awfully hard to do, but reading about her new relationship is so bad for your mental health and recovery. Maybe but apparently she's also gotten certified to go work on boats with him all summer in europe. That sounds sort of not avoidant? Future plans, commitments, etc... That's not for another 2-3 months and is another 3-4 month commitment to basically living together and sailing around europe. I just don't get it. My roommate who is friends with the people that connect this whole situation actually said to me that they're not even that big of fans of this guy. I just don't understand how she's able to have this guy living with her, he's completely dependent on her and her choices, she gets no room to be her own person and do her own things because he has no life here, and now she's committed to living with him in europe. just like wtf man I am trying to focus more internally but feel it's safe to vent my more external stuff here. I'm training for a triathlon, a marathon, I'm doing BJJ, I'm getting back into music (I sing, play guitar and piano), I'm looking into taking up boxing. I try to give myself positive self talk all the time. I'm doing good things for myself for sure and do feel better. But some of this just fucking kills me and so I come here So...no one is going to able to provide you with a satisfactory answer regarding the “why” and you are just going to drive yourself crazy trying to understand it. I have done the exact same thing....the guy I dated started seeing someone else and he did all kind of things with her he did not do with me...brought her to his family’s vacation, made their relationship Facebook official....I struggled so much with “why her” questions. I finally had to just stop hearing about his life and looking at his Facebook page because in the end, it would not help me to move forward. I am glad to read that you are doing activities that make you feel good...keep those up...but cut whatever information you are receiving about her. |
|
cukie
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by cukie on Mar 12, 2020 15:57:52 GMT
So I'll just pose this question to you, after dating someone for two months - does it really make a whole lot of rational sense to go on a summer boat trip with them? Also, they are already living together after 2 months? Really take a good look and tell me if any of that seems normal or healthy. I suspect you know the answer.
Avoidants aren't not capable of having relationships, they struggle with deep - emotionally intimate ones. Sure, that might not have manifested itself since they are gallivanting around Europe but it will. Relationships aren't always rainbows and roses, and when the honeymoon wears off and the realities of a committed relationship set in, thats when things start to go wrong.
To me, she's doing the same stuff she did when she came back to you. Introduced him to her family, started planing a future with him, and is now rushing headlong into a commitment that she doesn't have the capability to maintain. I'm sure its easier to extend the honeymoon when everything's new and unique, but eventually she's going to grow accustomed to that lifestyle and start feeling "tied down" again.
|
|
|
|
Post by confusedm on Mar 13, 2020 13:38:26 GMT
I would consider that she is likely also narcissistic, which involves its own set of motivations. A submissive younger man, the boating stuff, could be good fodder for instagram and gaining a bunch of attention. Or it could be her future faking during the honeymoon, and she'll back out of it when push comes to shove. In any case, she wasn't good for you. Please be kind to yourself and stay away from her business? You can do a lot better. What makes you think she’s a narcissist? I’ve thought about it but she also displayed empathy multiple times under various circumstances so I don’t know? So I'll just pose this question to you, after dating someone for two months - does it really make a whole lot of rational sense to go on a summer boat trip with them? Also, they are already living together after 2 months? Really take a good look and tell me if any of that seems normal or healthy. I suspect you know the answer. Avoidants aren't not capable of having relationships, they struggle with deep - emotionally intimate ones. Sure, that might not have manifested itself since they are gallivanting around Europe but it will. Relationships aren't always rainbows and roses, and when the honeymoon wears off and the realities of a committed relationship set in, thats when things start to go wrong. To me, she's doing the same stuff she did when she came back to you. Introduced him to her family, started planing a future with him, and is now rushing headlong into a commitment that she doesn't have the capability to maintain. I'm sure its easier to extend the honeymoon when everything's new and unique, but eventually she's going to grow accustomed to that lifestyle and start feeling "tied down" again. Yes it seems pretty wild to me but considering he is from the UK and spends apparently 7 months of the year working on charter boats (“Gypsy lifestyle”) and he has the ability to not work for a couple of months at a time maybe it isn’t that crazy? And she LOVES boats and traveling so she got certified to work for the boating company he works for and since she is a palates instructor she also has a lot of freedom and so there’s more effort to make this long distance relationship work. So I don’t know. Does it seem pretty crazy to be living together for such extended periods of time so quickly? Yes under normal circumstances. But this seems like serious efforts to make a month distance relationship work no? At the same time, yachting around as crew members all summer is nothing but one long vacation that is as far from real life as possible I guess? Just fucking gets me in my gut in the deepest parts of my heart. Somebody that claimed and acted SO in love with me, professed to feel such a connection, that said she was so happy when around me, seems soo much more in love with this guy and willing to put in so much more effort. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 13, 2020 16:08:18 GMT
And that doesn’t seem like a pattern to you?
|
|
|
|
Post by confusedm on Mar 13, 2020 16:17:43 GMT
And that doesn’t seem like a pattern to you? What is the pattern you see? |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Mar 13, 2020 18:55:59 GMT
I would consider that she is likely also narcissistic, which involves its own set of motivations. A submissive younger man, the boating stuff, could be good fodder for instagram and gaining a bunch of attention. Or it could be her future faking during the honeymoon, and she'll back out of it when push comes to shove. In any case, she wasn't good for you. Please be kind to yourself and stay away from her business? You can do a lot better. What makes you think she’s a narcissist? I’ve thought about it but she also displayed empathy multiple times under various circumstances so I don’t know? So I'll just pose this question to you, after dating someone for two months - does it really make a whole lot of rational sense to go on a summer boat trip with them? Also, they are already living together after 2 months? Really take a good look and tell me if any of that seems normal or healthy. I suspect you know the answer. Avoidants aren't not capable of having relationships, they struggle with deep - emotionally intimate ones. Sure, that might not have manifested itself since they are gallivanting around Europe but it will. Relationships aren't always rainbows and roses, and when the honeymoon wears off and the realities of a committed relationship set in, thats when things start to go wrong. To me, she's doing the same stuff she did when she came back to you. Introduced him to her family, started planing a future with him, and is now rushing headlong into a commitment that she doesn't have the capability to maintain. I'm sure its easier to extend the honeymoon when everything's new and unique, but eventually she's going to grow accustomed to that lifestyle and start feeling "tied down" again. Yes it seems pretty wild to me but considering he is from the UK and spends apparently 7 months of the year working on charter boats (“Gypsy lifestyle”) and he has the ability to not work for a couple of months at a time maybe it isn’t that crazy? And she LOVES boats and traveling so she got certified to work for the boating company he works for and since she is a palates instructor she also has a lot of freedom and so there’s more effort to make this long distance relationship work. So I don’t know. Does it seem pretty crazy to be living together for such extended periods of time so quickly? Yes under normal circumstances. But this seems like serious efforts to make a month distance relationship work no? At the same time, yachting around as crew members all summer is nothing but one long vacation that is as far from real life as possible I guess? Just fucking gets me in my gut in the deepest parts of my heart. Somebody that claimed and acted SO in love with me, professed to feel such a connection, that said she was so happy when around me, seems soo much more in love with this guy and willing to put in so much more effort. From reading your posts it seems like your really stuck on seeing things a certain way. People here have given very logical reasons as to why she is able to be with this guy the way she is at the moment; ie, it’s early says for an avoidant and they cope pretty well with closeness and intimacy in the honeymoon stage, which explains why she’s being like this. It feels a little like your refusing to see this, you are getting very stuck on believing that because this didn’t happen with you that there’s something wrong with you. The gut wrenching pain and heart ache that you are feeling right now most definelty goes back to childhood wounds, and rather feeling hard done by this experience, seeing it as an opportunity for healing and uncovering parts of you that were previously unconscious is a way to move forward. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 13, 2020 21:38:57 GMT
Love bombing someone out of the gate.
|
|
|
|
Post by confusedm on Mar 14, 2020 1:06:43 GMT
What makes you think she’s a narcissist? I’ve thought about it but she also displayed empathy multiple times under various circumstances so I don’t know? Yes it seems pretty wild to me but considering he is from the UK and spends apparently 7 months of the year working on charter boats (“Gypsy lifestyle”) and he has the ability to not work for a couple of months at a time maybe it isn’t that crazy? And she LOVES boats and traveling so she got certified to work for the boating company he works for and since she is a palates instructor she also has a lot of freedom and so there’s more effort to make this long distance relationship work. So I don’t know. Does it seem pretty crazy to be living together for such extended periods of time so quickly? Yes under normal circumstances. But this seems like serious efforts to make a month distance relationship work no? At the same time, yachting around as crew members all summer is nothing but one long vacation that is as far from real life as possible I guess? Just fucking gets me in my gut in the deepest parts of my heart. Somebody that claimed and acted SO in love with me, professed to feel such a connection, that said she was so happy when around me, seems soo much more in love with this guy and willing to put in so much more effort. From reading your posts it seems like your really stuck on seeing things a certain way. People here have given very logical reasons as to why she is able to be with this guy the way she is at the moment; ie, it’s early says for an avoidant and they cope pretty well with closeness and intimacy in the honeymoon stage, which explains why she’s being like this. It feels a little like your refusing to see this, you are getting very stuck on believing that because this didn’t happen with you that there’s something wrong with you. The gut wrenching pain and heart ache that you are feeling right now most definelty goes back to childhood wounds, and rather feeling hard done by this experience, seeing it as an opportunity for healing and uncovering parts of you that were previously unconscious is a way to move forward. I'm not refusing, I appreciate everybody's responses soo much. But yea it does make me think maybe there's something wrong with me. Or maybe more so that this guy is so exceptional and so much better than me. I definitely recognize that I have a lot of issues to unpack and even though I'm feeling much better about things I am continuing with therapy because I know it will be healthy for me to unpack these past traumas and issues. Love bombing someone out of the gate. I guess I'm not sure if what I experienced with her is love bombing or your typical excitement at the start of a new relationship |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 14, 2020 20:06:25 GMT
Based on the history you wrote, she sounds FA. Lots of partners, and she moves in from one to the next fairly quickly. I’m not sure why you think you’re any different than any of her last partners (rough, I know). If she’s cavorting around the world with someone else, take that for what it is. She’s certainly not thinking of you (rough again, I know). But there’s also nothing to suggest that she won’t dump this new guy either. Honestly, you dodged a bullet. This is a lot of emotional drama for not that much output. What you had is over. And we will never know what she thinks or feels. But we can look at her patterns and discern what’s most likely going on. If I were you, I wouldn’t take any of it personally. You just happened to be next. Now this new guy is next. And you think it’s built to last. History suggest otherwise. That’s just your own need to put yourself down that’s convincing you of that. Once you start to see that, you can heal.
The reality is, you have zero ability to control anything about her. All of this rumination, what ifs, etc... it does nothing. So how do you move on? Strict no contact. That includes social media stalking. You just have to do it. She’s not in your life anymore. I’m time, you’ll see that as a good thing.
|
|
|
|
Post by amber on Mar 14, 2020 20:43:05 GMT
Based on the history you wrote, she sounds FA. Lots of partners, and she moves in from one to the next fairly quickly. I’m not sure why you think you’re any different than any of her last partners (rough, I know). If she’s cavorting around the world with someone else, take that for what it is. She’s certainly not thinking of you (rough again, I know). But there’s also nothing to suggest that she won’t dump this new guy either. Honestly, you dodged a bullet. This is a lot of emotional drama for not that much output. What you had is over. And we will never know what she thinks or feels. But we can look at her patterns and discern what’s most likely going on. If I were you, I wouldn’t take any of it personally. You just happened to be next. Now this new guy is next. And you think it’s built to last. History suggest otherwise. That’s just your own need to put yourself down that’s convincing you of that. Once you start to see that, you can heal. The reality is, you have zero ability to control anything about her. All of this rumination, what ifs, etc... it does nothing. So how do you move on? Strict no contact. That includes social media stalking. You just have to do it. She’s not in your life anymore. I’m time, you’ll see that as a good thing. It’s true. The thing about being with someone who love bombs you is you feel really special, like you are different and unique somehow and that’s why they are treating you so wonderfully. That’s how I felt with my ex. Truth is they likely do this with every new partner. And when you fall down from the pedestal, it hurts even more because there’s so much confusion around “but I was so special to them, how come I’m not anymore?”. You were never really special to them per say, they were just playing out their projection fantasy pattern with you, and will do it with the next person as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to go at a slow pace when dating and to be very wary of someone who comes on too strong or makes out like you are the one they’ve been waiting for. You can’t know someone in the early stages of dating so anyone that says things like that is in fantasy projection mode. |
|
|
|
Post by confusedm on Mar 15, 2020 18:45:43 GMT
Based on the history you wrote, she sounds FA. Lots of partners, and she moves in from one to the next fairly quickly. I’m not sure why you think you’re any different than any of her last partners (rough, I know). If she’s cavorting around the world with someone else, take that for what it is. She’s certainly not thinking of you (rough again, I know). But there’s also nothing to suggest that she won’t dump this new guy either. Honestly, you dodged a bullet. This is a lot of emotional drama for not that much output. What you had is over. And we will never know what she thinks or feels. But we can look at her patterns and discern what’s most likely going on. If I were you, I wouldn’t take any of it personally. You just happened to be next. Now this new guy is next. And you think it’s built to last. History suggest otherwise. That’s just your own need to put yourself down that’s convincing you of that. Once you start to see that, you can heal. The reality is, you have zero ability to control anything about her. All of this rumination, what ifs, etc... it does nothing. So how do you move on? Strict no contact. That includes social media stalking. You just have to do it. She’s not in your life anymore. I’m time, you’ll see that as a good thing. It’s true. The thing about being with someone who love bombs you is you feel really special, like you are different and unique somehow and that’s why they are treating you so wonderfully. That’s how I felt with my ex. Truth is they likely do this with every new partner. And when you fall down from the pedestal, it hurts even more because there’s so much confusion around “but I was so special to them, how come I’m not anymore?”. You were never really special to them per say, they were just playing out their projection fantasy pattern with you, and will do it with the next person as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to go at a slow pace when dating and to be very wary of someone who comes on too strong or makes out like you are the one they’ve been waiting for. You can’t know someone in the early stages of dating so anyone that says things like that is in fantasy projection mode. I think this has been the hardest thing to digest, accept, understand. I’m no idealistic person but the minute I met this girl I felt a connection that I had never felt. And as I’ve said I’ve been with plenty of girls so this is not a case of latching onto the first girl to show interest in me. So I’m feeling this and she’s what I think is matching or even exceeding my level of interest. It’s all, we have such a connection, I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long when I’m with you, I think about you all day it’s so crazy, I feel like such a weirdo but with you I feel so comfortable and like I can really be myself, I love you for who you are, you’re so amazing, I always have the best time with you it doesn’t matter what we do, I can’t stop thinking about you, you have my whole heart, love poems and late night texts about how much she loved me, I’ve waited for this for so long. And we’re having such good times together and sharing vulnerable things and spending lots of time together. So all of this seemed to make sense. I’m happy, falling totally in love. She’s doing and saying all of these things and so it makes sense. I literally have no doubt she’s feeling and thinking the same way I am. Yea I was on cloud 9. Here I am thinking we both feel this amazing connection, are nothing having the best time with each other and both totally in love with each other and we’re in it for the long haul. I had girls very very into me before but not like this. And I thought because we both were admitting to the same feelings it made sense that it was at a different level than past women. And I don’t know if it was love bombing. It’s not like she tried spending every single day with me, she didn’t say I was the love of her life or soulmate or any of those fairly over the top exclamations I’ve read about in articles about love bombing. And then boom, knocked off the tippy top of the mountain into the deepest pits of hell. All out of nowhere. That’s a long way to fall. That’s an extremely drastic change from one end of the spectrum to the next. All of a sudden she’s soo unhappy and miserable that she felt she had to end things. One minute it’s I love you soo much and so happy and then somehow the level of miserable that she had to end things with me. I had to see her 3 weeks after she dumped me (well I didn’t have to but she didn’t respect my space enough to not show up at one of my best friends birthdays) and she literally looked at me and acted like she had never felt anything for me. It’s like it must have all been fake to be able to discard and move on so quickly and easily. Kills me to think that. Wasn’t hard for her to see me at all. That sudden fall from above grace is what has made this so hard, so confusing, so heartbreaking. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Mar 15, 2020 20:16:32 GMT
It’s true. The thing about being with someone who love bombs you is you feel really special, like you are different and unique somehow and that’s why they are treating you so wonderfully. That’s how I felt with my ex. Truth is they likely do this with every new partner. And when you fall down from the pedestal, it hurts even more because there’s so much confusion around “but I was so special to them, how come I’m not anymore?”. You were never really special to them per say, they were just playing out their projection fantasy pattern with you, and will do it with the next person as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to go at a slow pace when dating and to be very wary of someone who comes on too strong or makes out like you are the one they’ve been waiting for. You can’t know someone in the early stages of dating so anyone that says things like that is in fantasy projection mode. I think this has been the hardest thing to digest, accept, understand. I’m no idealistic person but the minute I met this girl I felt a connection that I had never felt. And as I’ve said I’ve been with plenty of girls so this is not a case of latching onto the first girl to show interest in me. So I’m feeling this and she’s what I think is matching or even exceeding my level of interest. It’s all, we have such a connection, I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long when I’m with you, I think about you all day it’s so crazy, I feel like such a weirdo but with you I feel so comfortable and like I can really be myself, I love you for who you are, you’re so amazing, I always have the best time with you it doesn’t matter what we do, I can’t stop thinking about you, you have my whole heart, love poems and late night texts about how much she loved me, I’ve waited for this for so long. And we’re having such good times together and sharing vulnerable things and spending lots of time together. So all of this seemed to make sense. I’m happy, falling totally in love. She’s doing and saying all of these things and so it makes sense. I literally have no doubt she’s feeling and thinking the same way I am. Yea I was on cloud 9. Here I am thinking we both feel this amazing connection, are nothing having the best time with each other and both totally in love with each other and we’re in it for the long haul. I had girls very very into me before but not like this. And I thought because we both were admitting to the same feelings it made sense that it was at a different level than past women. And I don’t know if it was love bombing. It’s not like she tried spending every single day with me, she didn’t say I was the love of her life or soulmate or any of those fairly over the top exclamations I’ve read about in articles about love bombing. And then boom, knocked off the tippy top of the mountain into the deepest pits of hell. All out of nowhere. That’s a long way to fall. That’s an extremely drastic change from one end of the spectrum to the next. All of a sudden she’s soo unhappy and miserable that she felt she had to end things. One minute it’s I love you soo much and so happy and then somehow the level of miserable that she had to end things with me. I had to see her 3 weeks after she dumped me (well I didn’t have to but she didn’t respect my space enough to not show up at one of my best friends birthdays) and she literally looked at me and acted like she had never felt anything for me. It’s like it must have all been fake to be able to discard and move on so quickly and easily. Kills me to think that. Wasn’t hard for her to see me at all. That sudden fall from above grace is what has made this so hard, so confusing, so heartbreaking. I had a very similar experience with my ex FA. I think quite a few of us here involved with dismissive partners could attest to this. Have you heard of the psychological term ‘splitting’? I believe it’s likely FA do this with partners (probably all insecure types as I have witnessed this in myself too)...it’s basically where you split off the bad parts of someone and only see the good and vice versa. It’s usually a reaction to childhood trauma/neglect where the child had to split off the bad and abusive parts of the parents in order to survive and not have a psychic break. This pattern continues into adulthood and is projected onto romantic partners. So in honeymoon stage they split you (idealise and romanticise you) and then when the chemicals like oxytocin,dopamine etc Wear off, they start seeing your flaws. Instead of seeing this as a normal part of being in r/ship like a secure would, they get very triggered and panic and think you are the wrong person, not the one, yadayadayada, and the split reverses and they start to only see the bad in you. Bang! Discarded. The other side of the coin here is why do we fall for this behaviour in the first place? I’ve come to the conclusion myself that there’s a small child part Of me that wants to be rescued, saved, loved and cared for in a way my parents never could. I have unmet child needs that make me susceptible to someone who love bombs and puts my initially on a pedestal. My situation with my ex has made me really have to face the fantasy part of myself that hopes romantic love will be my saviour. That is the positive to come out of this...it’s called growing up. Many people will never have this realisation and will jump from person to person hoping the next one will save them From their pain. Not going to happen. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 15, 2020 22:04:14 GMT
I’d place a very large wager, that in 4 months time, if you contact this new boating guy, he’d be heartbroken wondering what happened. And he’ll be stalking her instagram finding out about the new guy she is love bombing.
|
|
|
|
Post by confusedm on Mar 15, 2020 23:41:54 GMT
I think this has been the hardest thing to digest, accept, understand. I’m no idealistic person but the minute I met this girl I felt a connection that I had never felt. And as I’ve said I’ve been with plenty of girls so this is not a case of latching onto the first girl to show interest in me. So I’m feeling this and she’s what I think is matching or even exceeding my level of interest. It’s all, we have such a connection, I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long when I’m with you, I think about you all day it’s so crazy, I feel like such a weirdo but with you I feel so comfortable and like I can really be myself, I love you for who you are, you’re so amazing, I always have the best time with you it doesn’t matter what we do, I can’t stop thinking about you, you have my whole heart, love poems and late night texts about how much she loved me, I’ve waited for this for so long. And we’re having such good times together and sharing vulnerable things and spending lots of time together. So all of this seemed to make sense. I’m happy, falling totally in love. She’s doing and saying all of these things and so it makes sense. I literally have no doubt she’s feeling and thinking the same way I am. Yea I was on cloud 9. Here I am thinking we both feel this amazing connection, are nothing having the best time with each other and both totally in love with each other and we’re in it for the long haul. I had girls very very into me before but not like this. And I thought because we both were admitting to the same feelings it made sense that it was at a different level than past women. And I don’t know if it was love bombing. It’s not like she tried spending every single day with me, she didn’t say I was the love of her life or soulmate or any of those fairly over the top exclamations I’ve read about in articles about love bombing. And then boom, knocked off the tippy top of the mountain into the deepest pits of hell. All out of nowhere. That’s a long way to fall. That’s an extremely drastic change from one end of the spectrum to the next. All of a sudden she’s soo unhappy and miserable that she felt she had to end things. One minute it’s I love you soo much and so happy and then somehow the level of miserable that she had to end things with me. I had to see her 3 weeks after she dumped me (well I didn’t have to but she didn’t respect my space enough to not show up at one of my best friends birthdays) and she literally looked at me and acted like she had never felt anything for me. It’s like it must have all been fake to be able to discard and move on so quickly and easily. Kills me to think that. Wasn’t hard for her to see me at all. That sudden fall from above grace is what has made this so hard, so confusing, so heartbreaking. I had a very similar experience with my ex FA. I think quite a few of us here involved with dismissive partners could attest to this. Have you heard of the psychological term ‘splitting’? I believe it’s likely FA do this with partners (probably all insecure types as I have witnessed this in myself too)...it’s basically where you split off the bad parts of someone and only see the good and vice versa. It’s usually a reaction to childhood trauma/neglect where the child had to split off the bad and abusive parts of the parents in order to survive and not have a psychic break. This pattern continues into adulthood and is projected onto romantic partners. So in honeymoon stage they split you (idealise and romanticise you) and then when the chemicals like oxytocin,dopamine etc Wear off, they start seeing your flaws. Instead of seeing this as a normal part of being in r/ship like a secure would, they get very triggered and panic and think you are the wrong person, not the one, yadayadayada, and the split reverses and they start to only see the bad in you. Bang! Discarded. The other side of the coin here is why do we fall for this behaviour in the first place? I’ve come to the conclusion myself that there’s a small child part Of me that wants to be rescued, saved, loved and cared for in a way my parents never could. I have unmet child needs that make me susceptible to someone who love bombs and puts my initially on a pedestal. My situation with my ex has made me really have to face the fantasy part of myself that hopes romantic love will be my saviour. That is the positive to come out of this...it’s called growing up. Many people will never have this realisation and will jump from person to person hoping the next one will save them From their pain. Not going to happen. I guess it's somewhat comforting in a way to know somebody can pinpoint and recognize this behavior. I don't think I wanted to be saved but I think I thought she was normal emotionally since she had multiple serious relationships before me that were multiple years (yes I know I only know the length of them not the quality but how terrible could they have been to last 2-3.5 years and they remain friends afterwards...). When interacting with her socially before we really got together she seemed like any other girl I knew. I didn't want to be saved but I really really wanted it to work with her that's for sure. I deeply loved her and thought we had everything it took to go the distance. I’d place a very large wager, that in 4 months time, if you contact this new boating guy, he’d be heartbroken wondering what happened. And he’ll be stalking her instagram finding out about the new guy she is love bombing. Not to sound like a total dick but I really hope you're right. Only because it would really confirm for me that this pattern and this behavior is real and it wasn't something missing in me or missing in our relationship. That even though she's posting stuff of him/them and didn't with me and seems so much crazier about him and in love with him because of that, he's not better or more special to her than I was. A part of me thinks maybe this girl is pretty much perfectly normal and somehow someway, despite everything she was saying and everything she was doing, was just not in love with me enough to stay with me, to at least try anything under the sun to make it work. I still tend to have a hard time not idealizing her. Truly believing that the person she was before we really got together, the sweet, affectionate, caring girl, can at the same time be very selfish, inconsiderate and insincere. And to top it off, according to 2 therapists and a lot of people on forums much more knowledgeable than me, has serious emotional issues. hate this so much. |
|
