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Post by mrob on Mar 16, 2020 0:11:15 GMT
]It’s true. The thing about being with someone who love bombs you is you feel really special, like you are different and unique somehow and that’s why they are treating you so wonderfully. That’s how I felt with my ex. Truth is they likely do this with every new partner. And when you fall down from the pedestal, it hurts even more because there’s so much confusion around “but I was so special to them, how come I’m not anymore?”. You were never really special to them per say, they were just playing out their projection fantasy pattern with you, and will do it with the next person as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to go at a slow pace when dating and to be very wary of someone who comes on too strong or makes out like you are the one they’ve been waiting for. You can’t know someone in the early stages of dating so anyone that says things like that is in fantasy projection mode. What happens if everyone is special in a different way? I can find lots of good things within most people. |
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Post by serenity on Mar 16, 2020 1:30:00 GMT
To me its a question of resources, privacy, and loyalty. I loved a man for 15 years who cared for me through severe injury, gave his resources, love, and romantic attention to me. Lived with me, earned my trust over and over, knew my preferences, kept my secrets, Started business projects and a wildlife rescue operation with me. Shared years of my life with me. Never once did it cross my mind to repay that with abandonment because `other people are special too'.
Other people are special. That's what friendship is for.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2020 1:32:35 GMT
]It’s true. The thing about being with someone who love bombs you is you feel really special, like you are different and unique somehow and that’s why they are treating you so wonderfully. That’s how I felt with my ex. Truth is they likely do this with every new partner. And when you fall down from the pedestal, it hurts even more because there’s so much confusion around “but I was so special to them, how come I’m not anymore?”. You were never really special to them per say, they were just playing out their projection fantasy pattern with you, and will do it with the next person as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to go at a slow pace when dating and to be very wary of someone who comes on too strong or makes out like you are the one they’ve been waiting for. You can’t know someone in the early stages of dating so anyone that says things like that is in fantasy projection mode. What happens if everyone is special in a different way? I can find lots of good things within most people. I think the point that Amber is making is that there comes a point where the nitpicking seems to outweigh the specialness....thus making the person who originally felt special no longer feel that way. B did not love bomb me....he was cautious initially....but there were times where he said the most beautiful things...usually when there was liquid courage involved....I think it was as the relationship started to become more real...he started to weigh more the doubts he was feeling. I do credit him for taking a more cautious approach then I did. |
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Post by confusedm on Mar 16, 2020 23:01:21 GMT
Maybe I'm just really stoned but maybe I just came to a terrible realization...
My ex, despite professing so much love and happiness, did not care about me at all.
To be able to be seeing somebody for months and tell them you're all theirs and then go on a family vacation and sleep with the hired help... you do not give one iota of a shit about the person you're seeing.
To sleep with one of my best friends roommates whom she knew I knew... She could have gotten sex anywhere but instead she chose to do it with somebody I knew because she could, not caring whatsoever about me. Even after our second break up when I asked her to stay away from people I know and multiple mutual friends asked her the same - she did it again. because she did not care about me at all.
I was probably just good sex to her, a guy that took her on fun dates and paid for things.
1st time we broke up, she went out that night with a friend of hers. 2nd time we broke up - I was told she wasn't sad she wasn't fucked up over things and when I saw her 3 weeks later (because she cared so little about me she didn't respect my space) she looked at me like I was never anything important to her. She couldn't have cared less.
Wow.
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Post by dotdotdot on Mar 16, 2020 23:29:29 GMT
Maybe I'm just really stoned but maybe I just came to a terrible realization... My ex, despite professing so much love and happiness, did not care about me at all. To be able to be seeing somebody for months and tell them you're all theirs and then go on a family vacation and sleep with the hired help... you do not give one iota of a shit about the person you're seeing. To sleep with one of my best friends roommates whom she knew I knew... She could have gotten sex anywhere but instead she chose to do it with somebody I knew because she could, not caring whatsoever about me. Even after our second break up when I asked her to stay away from people I know and multiple mutual friends asked her the same - she did it again. because she did not care about me at all. I was probably just good sex to her, a guy that took her on fun dates and paid for things. 1st time we broke up, she went out that night with a friend of hers. 2nd time we broke up - I was told she wasn't sad she wasn't fucked up over things and when I saw her 3 weeks later (because she cared so little about me she didn't respect my space) she looked at me like I was never anything important to her. She couldn't have cared less. Wow. BRAVO! |
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Post by confusedm on Mar 16, 2020 23:45:24 GMT
Maybe I'm just really stoned but maybe I just came to a terrible realization... My ex, despite professing so much love and happiness, did not care about me at all. To be able to be seeing somebody for months and tell them you're all theirs and then go on a family vacation and sleep with the hired help... you do not give one iota of a shit about the person you're seeing. To sleep with one of my best friends roommates whom she knew I knew... She could have gotten sex anywhere but instead she chose to do it with somebody I knew because she could, not caring whatsoever about me. Even after our second break up when I asked her to stay away from people I know and multiple mutual friends asked her the same - she did it again. because she did not care about me at all. I was probably just good sex to her, a guy that took her on fun dates and paid for things. 1st time we broke up, she went out that night with a friend of hers. 2nd time we broke up - I was told she wasn't sad she wasn't fucked up over things and when I saw her 3 weeks later (because she cared so little about me she didn't respect my space) she looked at me like I was never anything important to her. She couldn't have cared less. Wow. BRAVO! Yea it's not a good feeling. I don't feel happy about it. I don't feel indignant. I feel heartbroken. So sad that somebody I loved so deeply and told me she was so in love with me in fact didn't care for me at all. Everything between us was a lie. For some reason I wasn't good enough to be more than collateral damage to her. Yet there I was so wildly in love with her. How stupid am I. |
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Post by kittygirl on Mar 17, 2020 2:44:51 GMT
Yea it's not a good feeling. I don't feel happy about it. I don't feel indignant. I feel heartbroken. So sad that somebody I loved so deeply and told me she was so in love with me in fact didn't care for me at all. Everything between us was a lie. For some reason I wasn't good enough to be more than collateral damage to her. Yet there I was so wildly in love with her. How stupid am I. It's extremely painful to feel that feeling of absolute discard. I've been there as have many people on here. We get it. One thing I try to remember is that: hurt people hurt people. My FA ex is in unrelenting, extreme pain, daily. The loneliness he feels is nonstop and when someone is in that much pain they will do ANYTHING to make it better. I try to remember that in order for someone to behave the way he did, that person would have to be in extreme pain. No one WANTS to hurt other people. In fact he'd tell me all the time how afraid he was of hurting me. But he couldn't help it, really. I'm guessing your ex was the same. You aren't stupid and she's not evil. Everyone is coming to the table with an entire trailer full of baggage (for example you say you have many women who are into you but yet you continued to pursue someone who hurt you repeatedly including having sex with someone you knew despite asking her not to. That is something I'd examine, personally).
No one wants to feel discarded. It's awful. But try to remember that if she is in fact avoidant, this comes from a place of deep wounding and has nothing to do with you. There isn't a person on this earth who can be "good enough" to heal someone's attachment wounds. You simply don't have that much power over someone else.
Assuming you were always kind to her, treated her well and were a trustworthy person, go forth in the world knowing you could give her one data point of a person who was good. Avoidants don't trust people and so one thing I think about is being proud of the fact that I always treated my ex well. Never was unkind or untrustworthy. Wasn't ever manipulative or controlling. So I can hold my head up high in that regard and hope that he can maybe look back someday and reflect on the fact that there are kind people in this world. And while I get that you aren't in this place yet, I am in a place where I just wish for him to get help and find a stable, kind person who he can connect with and who treats him well. That would make me happy.
This whole thing is a cycle of pain. If you learn from this now, YOU won't have to repeat it over and over like groundhog day. Your ex, sadly, may not be that fortunate
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