|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 15, 2017 17:57:54 GMT
Last month I posted how I was 2 months into no contact w my DA. I was very turmoiled since it triggered my abandonment issues and I am an anxious attachment type already. I am so thankful I found this forum. It is really helping me regulate my emotions and not take it so personal but it is still a struggle.
So after a lil over 2 months he contacts me. Of course very casually and needs to make jokes to break the ice. I went over and it's like no time has passed except I know it has cause I cried just about everyday. We talked. He seemed very genuine about his feelings. Saying he didn't know why he was like that, he doesn't want to be like this. That he thought about calling me everyday but just didn't. Said he's so scared of a relationship turning stale and feeling trapped. He thinks I'm perfect and doesn't want us to end up hating each other like in other relationships. And of course he starts talking about future plans but I don't put any weight on that anymore.
So I don't know what to do now. I know nothing is going to change right now but I feel like this is progress too isn't it?
I think I should just give him a lot of space and let him contact me which will be like very 2 weeks I'm sure. I want to act the way a secure type would. I really feel this person is worth it.
|
|
|
|
Post by satori on Aug 15, 2017 20:49:09 GMT
Hi Cricket... My heart goes out to you and feel for you in regards to your struggles. I have a secure attachment styles and had recently ended a six and half year relationship with a DA. My suggestion is that the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and only you. When I was enmeshed with my DA I was triggered every time she was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I lost myself not because the way she treated me. It is because I allowed myself to lose myself through her. I did a lot of emotional self discovery over those six and half years and what I learned is that I equated her abuse as love. Because of my traumatic childhood attachment injuries I had become an extension of my DA's dysfunction. Once I realized what I was doing to myself I started to set boundaries and walked away from the abuse. I will never go back again because I am in a much better place now.
Never lose sight of you! It will not be easy but as long as you focus on yourself you too will be in a better place. You are worth it! 
Good luck and keep us posted!
Cheers...
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 16, 2017 1:44:05 GMT
Thanks for your reply. Sounds like u have been through a lot of heart ache w your ex. I'm glad you are finding strength in yourself.
That's one thing I really want to practice. Is not losing myself whether I continue this or not. My DA is totally sweet when we r together but he needs a lot of distance. Too much for my liking but we didn't talk for 2 months and I never stopped thinking about him so I thought I would try again.😞
|
|
|
|
Post by erasure on Aug 16, 2017 4:26:29 GMT
Hi Cricket - it seems we share similar experiences and difficult partners/ex-partners that may be DA types. I can relate to what you are going through as I am going through it now as well. I hope the person we love will see and feel our love/support then realize what they have done as well as be open to working together to change.
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 16, 2017 5:39:08 GMT
Erasure- I am hoping for that too. Sometimes I am very optimistic about it but when he stone walls it's hard. I reached out to him a handful of times and I got silence. I really thought he hated me or something. But this is just the way he navigates thru his feelings. It's very hard.
Don't forget to keep yourself as a priority and try not to take their actions too personal.
|
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Aug 16, 2017 12:34:52 GMT
.
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 16, 2017 17:11:56 GMT
Abolish- Thanks so much. I felt like it is progress. He always assures me he doesn't want to be w anyone else and that he really is very comfortable being alone but he does care about me and has strong feelings. But my anxiousness is already setting in cuz he hasn't called me since then. So I'm trying to stay focused on what I was doing before like meditating , jogging and working on my happiness from the inside. I guess I will have to be patient and see this thru.
|
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Aug 16, 2017 17:28:33 GMT
.
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 16, 2017 18:49:56 GMT
Yea it's controlling that need to be close to him that is so challenging because I believe I mainly want it when I feel he is pushing away. I want to be balanced not overly needy or too distant. I feel like this cuz it's been days and I think maybe he changed his mind, maybe he met someone else.
I have a lot of issues from my dad and I know I try to get validation from my romantic partners. I don't want to be like that anymore. It's hard to push out those thoughts. I was always told if your dad loved u he would be there for u, so my whole life I put that on the guy I am with. Not realizing that they too have their own emotional journey they are going thru.
Thank goodness I am going to counseling for this now.
I appreciate any guidance you have for me tho.
He also told me something that scares me. He said " I hate to say this but I need to keep missing someone ". What underline issues is that about? He just doesn't know how to get passed the honeymoon phase? Is that just another distancing mechanism?
|
|
|
|
Post by aisling on Aug 16, 2017 19:12:33 GMT
Erasure, I hear you and the pain you experienced and the hope you have for the future. I don't know what this is worth, but I would just caution you against thinking that your love/supper can change a DA. That change has to come from within them. I've been down that path, so I can only speak for myself, but one very valuable thing I've learned in this board from DAs posts is that often our version of love/support (if you're AP) isn't what the DA needs, and can even be construed as smothering or selfish. It was eye-opening for me to be called out on exactly how I was approaching my FA partner; I seriously assumed I knew what was best for him, and if I just showed him his underlying pain/fear of intimacy (via intellectual convos) or just being there or even giving space (without talking about how space made me feel), all would be well. I realized that that actually wasn't ok, that the peace we had was just superficial, that I wasn't getting my needs met, and that I was being 'selfless' in an attempt to gain love.
As an AP, we so often believe we're not good enough and need to prove ourselves. We think we need to work hard to be worthy of being loved, that we need to over-nurture and over-empathize, and that love won't come easily. This feeds into some deep pain, right? DAs and APs need to make themselves right before they can have a more peaceful connection. It's not impossible, but it takes personal growth on both sides. You can't change a DA, but you can support them when THEY tell you how they need to be supported, which can come through therapy or just personal insight.
I guess all I'm saying is this: make sure that you know what your DA needs (not what you think they need or giving them what YOU would need to feel loved), evaluate whether that meets your needs/is ok with you, and then try and balance your two needs. Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons!
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 16, 2017 19:38:36 GMT
Thank you. You make very good points. Thru therapy and reading I have realized I've been giving what I actually want and I am seeing how innocently manipulating I have actually been. I see this as a great opportunity to work on myself and not just run from it and also not to cling to it. I want to self soothe and be emotionally independent for myself and for future relationships.
I really feel like he and I are supposed to have a great experience together and learn from each other. He is open to hearing a lil bit about these issues but I know he has to seek them out on his own. He may not want to change and may always be content just as things are.
I feel him wanting to be close , I see his vulnerability when we are cuddling. It's endearing. He wants closeness but doesn't want it to over take him.
|
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Aug 17, 2017 7:41:09 GMT
.
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 17, 2017 14:46:11 GMT
Thank you. I love to read. I will definitely check that out.
|
|
|
|
Post by erasure on Aug 18, 2017 1:32:45 GMT
aisling - Thank you. You have some valid good points. A person especially a DA or FA may see our show of support, love, requests as smothering/needy thus they turn away or react to negatively. And yes change has to come from with in a DA or FA with self realization and/or help.
In my case my SO had told me a couple of times over the year and half that I am too affectionate, do not understand her needs, and I am selfish with what I believe is good for her. Therefor I have been trying to understand her needs and wants - but she's never talked about her feelings or deeper things even as I have asked for her feedback/status. Communication is key which she lacked with her feelings and inner thoughts - yet she believes she is a great communicator.
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Aug 18, 2017 17:16:38 GMT
Erasure- thank u for sharing your experience. I totally get that. How just because I need something a certain way doesn't mean the other person functions the same way and that's ok. Nothing wrong w me if that other person is not as comfortable w affection as I am. Hardest thing is to not take every dismissive action from them personally.
I saw my DA for the second time this week which is progress but I had to initiate it. He is very affectionate in person though I can tell we r still taking baby steps and I am trying not to be smothering. He actually is willing to let me meet his son this weekend which I know is huge for him.But let's see if one of us doesn't sabotage it. I hope not.
|
|
