Is this the rejection my brain thinks it is?

Alexandra said: "no one actually gets ready for the RIGHT person. They get ready because they were ready to get ready (and probably already doing the work)."

Hmmm. I'm trying to think if I've ever been in a situation where I declined to go deeper with someone I recognized as awesome who could have been a good match for me because I was still healing from a past relationship, or was caught up in life issues. If so, I'm having a hard time remembering it. I find it difficult to understand that not everyone prioritizes romantic relationships.

lovebunny, frankly, that secure guy dodged a bullet because I wasn't ready and I'd have caused unnecessary drama. And that would have had zero to do with him. I'd known him a few years first and I've known him a veeeeery long time since, and he's a really excellent person, who has been happily married to a good partner for a long time now.

Idk. I think the best relationship choice I ever made came right after the worst one, with a narc. After that world of pain, afterwards my values felt very aligned with empathy, love, affection, listening, communication, good conflict resolution. I knew that was exactly what I wanted in a man. I actually met several strong empaths in the year after that break up, mainly through friends and outdoor sports groups. Several of those could have been good matches for marriage and long term committment, and they knew that's what they wanted too. The one I decided to get involved with had a psych degree and the best communication/listening skills, his loving understanding is something I needed after complex narc abuse. Neither of us were coy about being into one another. He proposed 15 months into our relationship.

I was still healing from the former abusive relationship and from childhood abuse for at least ten more years, and I don't think I'll ever be fully healed from complex PTSD, according to mental health experts. But his love felt healing; listening and understanding from a loved one is very important for C-PTSD especially. I dropped a lot of defensiveness I didn't even fully realise I had. And I realised some important life goals with him by my side.

Its probably a cliche, but I believe love heals and you don't have to go it alone or be perfect in order to earn it. Choosing the right partner who didn't cause grief, rather than learning to grieve less intensely, was the right direction for me personally. Best 15 years of my life.

I agree with that. Being abused made me very receptive to healing love I guess? I don't think i quite understood the importance of empathy especially until I'd been abused. I am so glad to hear your relationship is going well so far! You really deserve that my friend <3

I love that shiningstar. Non-physical Courtship is such a great idea. It seems like its a lost artform, but what a wonderful way to get to know someone without excessive attachment to someone you don't know yet. I get what lovebunny means about sex being part of getting to know someone though. And I used to think its perfectly fine, based on good experiences. I just wouldn't ever leap into that again, after what I've been through.

A key turning point for me just boiled down to the question of "do you want a healthy relationship or do you want this person". the former means you select for someone who fits into that category, regardless of whether or not you thought initially you were a good fit=-; the latter means you just form whatever relationship that is with this particular person. if the two intersect and you can form a healthy relationship with a particular person you desire, great! but alot of cases, they're mutually exclusive. I decided I want a healthy relationship and if I cannot find someone to do that with, then I'll just be alone. I will never decide again to formulate a relationship with a particular person, if a healthy dynamic does not organically arise between us. this goes for all types of relationships - work, platonic, and romantic. having this rule explicit in my mind also helps cull alot of nonsense, even though it hurts sometimes because I really do like certain people and would have liked a relationship with them.

90 days is a benchmark, not a rule. but if you think about it, out of 3 months, you're likely to meet around 10-15 times (3-5x a mth) over 3 months. that isn't alot of time to get to know someone at all. sex is something where energies are exchanged - I've since come to think of my body and soul as something that requires protection and nurturing, and therefore, am careful about whose energies I want to bring INTO me. nobody else can do this for you, so you must be absolutely resolute to protect yourself in that manner. i was sickly for a long time in my life, so this was very easy to incorporate into my mindset because damn, nobody is there to help me when i'm sick, so prevention is way more impt than cure.

i think it's completely reasonable to consider not having sex in the first 5 dates (minimum) as a clear boundary to hold for yourself to take time to see how you feel around this person without throwing in all the extra that comes from sex. then over the next 10 dates, slowly ramp up the physical interactions and intimacy if you so choose, up to the point you actually consciously and mindfully decide to have sex with this person because the bond you've established over the past 15 dates is something you consider a decent, healthy, strong one. You can shorten or lengthen this time, it is up to you. the point is just being really conscious about this, precisely because as an AP, sex is a tool used to bond usually in a unhealthy fashion. Having this hard rule helps you to manage these tendencies without stressing over it. sexual frustration and romance will be there if it's already there - 3 months aint going to kill it.

If you are focused on having healthy relationships, these rules might be uncomfortable but absolutely possible, because you wouldn't even care about getting rid of those who do not have your interests at heart - and that is what we all truly desire, yes? having this rule for myself helped filter out alot of potential drama: those who want to have sex and are not respectful of my boundaries, those who cannot see a clear relationship with me above and beyond the sexual aspect of it, those who are pushy about sex and use it as a way to form relationships(sounds like she was in your case). I am honest with those who ask point blank what my sexual considerations are and i say that I do enjoy it but i am mindful about engaging in it, based on the considerations of X, X, and X. those who can deal, deal. those cannot leave. it hurts in the moment, but you wouldn't even remember it 3 months down the road.

you mentioned rules of who makes the first move - you can decide what you want. you make your rules based on what works for you, not what the community/society decides; this is absolutely key to APs healing. your impatience and fear of rejection didn't ruin anything, except your peace of mind. if things are complicated, they're not good, get rid of it. there is value in bringing the focus back onto yourself and ONLY yourself, and ask yourself what will give me a peace of mind generally, without tying it to any specific person. if difficult, go back to the first question i posted. that was my process in clarifying my thoughts.

Lovebunny I'm sorry how confusing this turned out, after the connection seemed to start out so well.

I think the 90 day rule (or just going slow before sexually connecting) can work if both people start out with a strong attraction, and sincerely want to explore real stuff like compatibility before sexually bonding. But when someone seems ambivalent and says things like ``I don't know what I want, don't know what I feel for you, I don't know if I want a relationship, I just broke up with someone'' then being patient or becoming part of a harem of admirers is so risky; it can damage self worth and waste a lot of time.

Most advice I come across suggests saying to the person that you are looking for a committed relationship, and maybe you can reconnect some point in the future if she becomes available. And go no contact for 1-2 months then so you can detach and get on with your life without being hurt by her current unavailability.

Hugs lovebunny <3