|
|
Post by hannah99 on Dec 30, 2019 21:09:15 GMT
Been seeing a new guy for about a month. He's very busy at work and a terrible texter (as I've mentioned before.) He's also only 6 months out of another relationship which ended badly for him.
Yestersay we had the exclusice conversation and he said he wasn't ready 'yet' but wasn't involved with anyone else and hadn't been with anyone else since our first date.
I cannot handle this, but he's been very honest and upfront about his need for time. He's caring and open and I really like him.
What do I do? Is this ok? Should I end it? How long do I wait?
|
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 30, 2019 21:22:15 GMT
Whoa a month is very very early! I don’t think it fair to expect anyone to commit this soon...I definetly wouldn’t want to! Men are on different timelines to women too, they are often slower to commit, their biology is different. I think you need more time to get to know this person before you commit anyway, you can’t possibly know someone in one month even if you feel like you do because you like them and feel a strong connection. Is he over his ex?
|
|
|
|
Post by amber on Dec 30, 2019 21:23:38 GMT
I personally think 3-6 months is a reasonable time frame to expect commitment. I wouldn’t commit to someone prior to this time again, becusse ive seen how this doesn’t work out well long run if you commit too soon
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Dec 30, 2019 21:38:37 GMT
How often do you see eachother ?
Did you talk with him about texting ? What did he respond ?
For how long did his last relationship last ? Who broke up ? Why did it end ?
Have you asked him what he wants in the future ? Maybe you have to talk more ? Did each of you make a love vision ? How much does he want to work in thhe future and what about you ? What do you want in the future ?
The masculine moves slow and it can take the masculine up to 1 or 2 years to fully commit.
The feminine moves fast and often wants to commit around 3 months into the relationship.
An attatchment/love coach/ therapist have explained, that because the feminine often rushes into relationships, the feminine can be the one who can leave the relationship, because the feminine dident take "herself" enough time to get to know the other person well enough before committing.
(The feminine can be a man and vice versa)
Ambivalents can be in doubt when love becomes available - but you properly know this already.
|
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Dec 30, 2019 22:02:04 GMT
Been seeing a new guy for about a month. He's very busy at work and a terrible texter (as I've mentioned before.) He's also only 6 months out of another relationship which ended badly for him. Yestersay we had the exclusice conversation and he said he wasn't ready 'yet' but wasn't involved with anyone else and hadn't been with anyone else since our first date. I cannot handle this, but he's been very honest and upfront about his need for time. He's caring and open and I really like him. What do I do? Is this ok? Should I end it? How long do I wait? If you can get around the "terrible texting" -- maybe stay with the person for now, then keep a time limit in your mind about it? Give it another month or two? Decide by... March 1, 2020, unless anything heinous happens in the meantime. As you know, some people are not on their phones as much as those of us who might, er... communicate on a forum like we are doing right now! haha. Too much energy spent on ruminating about "why haven't they responded?" is too much of a distraction from other things we want to pay attention to. As for the idea: "Can I handle this?" If he is otherwise nice, honest, not abusive, then how would one go about "handling" the situation for the next couple of months. It would be really great if you could catch your mind when it's stressing about the relationship, and ask "What do I need right now?" -- then go do something positive for yourself -- a little "self-care" (to use this over-used term). Or just take a breath and hug yourself, then look around the room and mentally list 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, smell, etc. Maybe go look at some cute dogs on Instagram or go clean the floor behind the toilet, learn a new song on a musical instrument, -- whatever it takes to distract yourself with something positive! Then re-evaluate after a couple of months. Ask yourself: "Can I handle this?" A big factor I would consider is how much he is still impacted by his past relationship. If he's overly focused on it, I might want to back off. That's my advice, for what it's worth, since you asked. Of course you run a risk of getting *even more* attached during the next couple of months, but now that you have this support online and all your knowledge of attachment theory, hopefully you can keep going with all the fun and good of life, with this person or others you haven't even met yet. Wishing you the best - and a Happy New Year! <3 |
|
|
|
Post by hannah99 on Dec 30, 2019 23:38:43 GMT
When I say I can't handle it, I think that's because my ex cheated. He had shown no signs of seeing anyone else and had been completely open and honest about contact with his ex (e.g. she text me today, this is what she said.)
The texting has improved and he calls me when he is busy.
I honestly cant fault him...met friends, learnt about his life, both very honest and open with each other. We see each other once or twice a week as we both have very busy jobs.
I guess I just struggle to trust my intuition. My intuition is that he likes me and he is a good man. But I've been soooo wrong before.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 30, 2019 23:51:16 GMT
It sounds early to me to expect full commitment after just one month. If you like him in every other respect- if he’s being honest and showing integrity and you enjoy your time together then I’d give it another 3 months and then discuss again.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to commit just one month in. My DA pushed me to do that after a month and, in spite of my reservations, I agreed. I wouldn’t again for anyone else.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Dec 31, 2019 0:27:39 GMT
The masculine moves slow and it can take the masculine up to 1 or 2 years to fully commit. The feminine moves fast and often wants to commit around 3 months into the relationship. An attatchment/love coach/ therapist have explained, that because the feminine often rushes into relationships, the feminine can be the one who can leave the relationship, because the feminine dident take "herself" enough time to get to know the other person well enough before committing. (The feminine can be a man and vice versa) This is interesting, I've never heard this before. Do you remember who said it? This is new to me, but I would like to know more about it. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Dec 31, 2019 4:18:27 GMT
nyc718 I can't remember. One of my non english speaking teachers have worked with couples for more than 29 years. There's also differences in how oxytocin impacts women Vs men. A high level of testosterone can block the intake of the bonding hormone oxytocin. That's why it can a good idea for the woman to have some patience and not jump into bed with a man too quickly. I have posted about this somewhere on this board. I have made a thread about the feminine and the masculine. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinity
|
|
|
|
Post by hannah99 on Dec 31, 2019 9:24:37 GMT
It sounds early to me to expect full commitment after just one month. If you like him in every other respect- if he’s being honest and showing integrity and you enjoy your time together then I’d give it another 3 months and then discuss again. Personally, I wouldn’t want to commit just one month in. My DA pushed me to do that after a month and, in spite of my reservations, I agreed. I wouldn’t again for anyone else. Ok thank you...this is all very reassuring. I think basically the conversation came up too early and it's left me paranoid. I'd commit to him now but I know I have a habit of rushing in and my breakup was nearly a year ago...not 6 months! He also seems to me to be secure! Whereas I'm anxious...but actually, my anxiety has been lower with him (despite what this post suggests!) |
|
|
|
Post by hannah99 on Dec 31, 2019 9:27:07 GMT
nyc718 I can't remember. One of my non english speaking teachers have worked with couples for more than 29 years. There's also differences in how oxytocin impacts women Vs men. A high level of testosterone can block the intake of the bonding hormone oxytocin. That's why it can a good idea for the woman to have some patience and not jump into bed with a man too quickly. I have posted about this somewhere on this board. I have made a thread about the feminine and the masculine. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinity I don't buy into all this femininity/masculinity stuff. It's far too simplistic and reductive and, although I know you're saying it doesn't necessarily align with biological sex, I think it can lead to gender stereotyping and heteronormative assumptions |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2019 16:47:26 GMT
It sounds early to me to expect full commitment after just one month. If you like him in every other respect- if he’s being honest and showing integrity and you enjoy your time together then I’d give it another 3 months and then discuss again. Personally, I wouldn’t want to commit just one month in. My DA pushed me to do that after a month and, in spite of my reservations, I agreed. I wouldn’t again for anyone else. Ok thank you...this is all very reassuring. I think basically the conversation came up too early and it's left me paranoid. I'd commit to him now but I know I have a habit of rushing in and my breakup was nearly a year ago...not 6 months! He also seems to me to be secure! Whereas I'm anxious...but actually, my anxiety has been lower with him (despite what this post suggests!) - Sounds good so far, just take your time, refrain from your habit of rushing in and enjoy getting to know him. Time is the best test. Keep us posted  |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 1, 2020 21:28:38 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Jan 2, 2020 1:40:02 GMT
Interesting. But I do wonder how that relates to men with avoidant attachment, because avoidants are already challenged in having romantic relationships. So this added layer of it having to be "worth it", I mean, for avoidants, no one is worth it! |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 2, 2020 18:37:50 GMT
nyc718 Well, I'm guessing then you could maybe be in double trouble.... 
|
|
