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Post by Helsbells on Jan 5, 2020 11:44:25 GMT
Writing this in FA section as i test more FA but recent relationship triggered me more on the anxious side from time to time.
I met my FA boyfriend two years ago on a dating site. He is 45 I'm 55 but dont look my age" that's what I'm always getting told". The first 6mths were the toughest times I've ever experienced in a relationship. He would leave me on a monthly basis but come back after a week like nothing happened. I wasn't aware of attachment issues and it triggered me to feel like I was going insane.
He has been living in my home from almost the get go and on the hold got along really well. The reason he was able to cope with living together is he spends a large portion of his time on his computer playing games. This actually started to suit me as I'm quite avoidant myself and like to read and watch my Netflix series. We are both heavy drinkers I relapse badly during the last two years, deep down I know I needed and wanted more intimacy than he could give me so I started to self medicate.
I feel he started to sense this and his body broke out into all these terrible boils constantly, I think he was in emotional turmoil regarding this. We have been back together for 6mths but haven't had any sex, lots of hugs and cuddles and slept together wrapped up in each other. He has told me he loves me many times and his actions have back this up in many other ways. We had both been drinking heavily on friday and dont know how it started as I was quite drunk but he started saying how he feels I'm not happy, and how could I be as hes not a great partner. " deep down I wasnt happy a lot of the times". I said I was happy and he said Helen your not.
Next minute hes say "look we met on a dating site, I thought you looked nice but was aware of the age gap. When we met I thought it would be just sex, as I hadn't had any for ages. I didn't expect it to be anymore, but because your so kind and caring I find myself still here with you. I know it upsets you that you haven't met my family or friends but that because I'm still unsure about what I want". He then went on to say it's a turmoil he has discussed with some friends, one being a women that I feel he thinks is hot. We were both drunk so that turned me and I got really upset and started to say how dare you talk to that women about us when you haven't even discussed this with me.
He left the room and went to bed. I then proceeded to Instagram the women asking her what she know. Basically she didn't really say much but just said she hasn't seen my ex since summer and hardly speaks to him other than liking each others Instagram post. She then said dont involve me and blocked me. At some point she must has contacted him later that night because he new I text her.
I fell a sleep on the sofa and when I woke up he wasnt home.
His camper van had gone so I knew he was mad at me, for texting her. I messaged him a few hours later saying can we talk about last night before I go to work. And how what he said last night really hurt me. He text back saying sorry got nothing to say today so I didnt reply just thought i would give him space.
I finished work last night and when i got home he had cleared all his stuff and left a note.
He said sorry it has come to this, but it truly believe it is for the best so I have left you.
I have blocked you on everything as I feel like this is the kindest thing to do to heal. Please take care of yourself and Sid, " the dog". May god bless you and send you a man that is a much better match than I was for you.
I do think he is right regarding the blocking because weve always stayed in touch when weve broken up in the passed and we ended up getting back together.
The finality has really triggered me and I feel sick and panicky.
I know deep down it's for the best but there is a big part of me that will miss having him around.
I know I need to sort out my life but I'm really hurting right now. Thank you for reading sorry it's so long.
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andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Jan 5, 2020 18:58:15 GMT
I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm glad you know deep down that this is ultimately necessary - that wisdom will serve you well - though of course that does not make it easy. The pain of someone repeatedly breaking up with you and moving back into your life must have been intense. Getting rid of that pain seems like a necessary precondition for healing. All my very best wishes to you. ❤
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Post by serenity on Jan 5, 2020 21:03:32 GMT
Hugs, that's just awful and I feel for you, hon. I think you should temporarily block him too, on everything. He has blocked you before (to chase other women?) and come back, only to break your heart again over and over. You need to have zero contact until you are over the romantic relationship properly. He really is not relationship material, both of you know it.
When you've loved someone as much as you've loved him, admitting that the romantic relationship doesn't work is hard to face up to. But you two still care for one another and have a possibility of a long term meaningful friendship. To explore this possibility, you need to grieve , and fully accept his unavailability as a romantic partner. He can't help who he is, and you are literally harming yourself trying to endure his instability. You need to detox from the addiction to intermittent reinforcement, and get your anxiety under control.
Its okay to love someone whilst understanding that you can't have a healthy romantic connection with them, because of their issues.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 5, 2020 22:08:29 GMT
Isn't it astounding, if you had no idea, and didn't look up attachment style framework, you would just be dumbfounded/deeply hurt (it stil lcan hurt even if you know, but for me personally, it's allowed me almost totally to detach from the emotions surrounding actions because I know the reason they occur and don't take it personally). Just seems like classic unawakened F-A isn't it. He clearly doesn't want to work on himself at all? I'm sorry to hear of the pain and suffering btw, never good.  |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 5, 2020 22:09:00 GMT
I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm glad you know deep down that this is ultimately necessary - that wisdom will serve you well - though of course that does not make it easy. The pain of someone repeatedly breaking up with you and moving back into your life must have been intense. Getting rid of that pain seems like a necessary precondition for healing. All my very best wishes to you. ❤ Thank Andy for your well wishes at moment I'm just focusing on my recovery from all I've been through. I wish him well in my heart but I know I will get through this. Sending love and best wishes to you ❤ |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 5, 2020 22:15:43 GMT
Isn't it astounding, if you had no idea, and didn't look up attachment style framework, you would just be dumbfounded. Just seems like classic unawakened F-A isn't it. He clearly doesn't want to work on himself at all? He is very classic FA and I wish him well in my heart. Just so glad he had the strength to block me on everything as that's the only way I'm going to heal. He doesn't appear to want to do any work on himself although he appears unhappy and anxious a lot of the time. Thank god I found out about attachment trauma as I was truly going crazy inside before that. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 5, 2020 22:31:05 GMT
Hugs, that's just awful and I feel for you, hon. I think you should temporarily block him too, on everything. He has blocked you before (to chase other women?) and come back, only to break your heart again over and over. You need to have zero contact until you are over the romantic relationship properly. He really is not relationship material, both of you know it. When you've loved someone as much as you've loved him, admitting that the romantic relationship doesn't work is hard to face up to. But you two still care for one another and have a possibility of a long term meaningful friendship. To explore this possibility, you need to grieve , and fully accept his unavailability as a romantic partner. He can't help who he is, and you are literally harming yourself trying to endure his instability. You need to detox from the addiction to intermittent reinforcement, and get your anxiety under control. Its okay to love someone whilst understanding that you can't have a healthy romantic connection with them, because of their issues. Thank you Serenity and I agree with everything you have said. I think he tried his best to show up for me, but he was aware that he couldn't give me the security and intimacy that a solid loving relationship needs. I'm just relieved he had the strength to block me on everything as there is no temptation to message him or check his social media. I do believe he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but not enough to do any work on himself. I have learnt so much about myself and know I need to focus on myself my healing and also my addictions. I have a very avoidant personality and need to learn how to be comfortable and reach out to others, I tend to be a loner which probably was the reason I felt comfortable with him as he is mainly a loner too. I owe it to myself and my adult children to get well. Thank you for your reply it means a lot to me. Sending you love and blessing H xx |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 5, 2020 22:31:16 GMT
Isn't it astounding, if you had no idea, and didn't look up attachment style framework, you would just be dumbfounded. Just seems like classic unawakened F-A isn't it. He clearly doesn't want to work on himself at all? He is very classic FA and I wish him well in my heart. Just so glad he had the strength to block me on everything as that's the only way I'm going to heal. He doesn't appear to want to do any work on himself although he appears unhappy and anxious a lot of the time. Thank god I found out about attachment trauma as I was truly going crazy inside before that. Well I test right smack bang in the middle of secure attachment, and my ex drove me even to attachment anxiety, i'm in the engineering field, and a logical thinker/problem solver, and I had to find out what the hell had just happened to me. Never ever had anything like it happen to me in my life, before or since. Hence why I'm here perusing the forums. All the best to you, hope you recover quickly! |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 5, 2020 22:46:12 GMT
He is very classic FA and I wish him well in my heart. Just so glad he had the strength to block me on everything as that's the only way I'm going to heal. He doesn't appear to want to do any work on himself although he appears unhappy and anxious a lot of the time. Thank god I found out about attachment trauma as I was truly going crazy inside before that. Well I test right smack bang in the middle of secure attachment, and my ex drove me even to attachment anxiety, i'm in the engineering field, and a logical thinker/problem solver, and I had to find out what the hell had just happened to me. Never ever had anything like it happen to me in my life, before or since. Hence why I'm here perusing the forums. All the best to you, hope you recover quickly! It's crazy making stuff isn't it. It appears to go against all what human beings need and desire. A loving trusting caring partner, but still doesn't cut it. I believe he is use to being quite triggered in the past as he told me the two women that broke his heart were really flirty and were always out in the pub flirting and coming home drunk and texting other men. I dont want to play any games to get someone to become more anxious to keep them around. I wanted to be loving, caring and kind to him. He told me I was the only women to ever cook him lovely food and care for him. That made me sad to here, but his issues are to deep down to show up properly for me. Thanks for your kind words and i appreciate your reply. I hope your doing ok and healing well. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 6, 2020 1:17:01 GMT
Well I test right smack bang in the middle of secure attachment, and my ex drove me even to attachment anxiety, i'm in the engineering field, and a logical thinker/problem solver, and I had to find out what the hell had just happened to me. Never ever had anything like it happen to me in my life, before or since. Hence why I'm here perusing the forums. All the best to you, hope you recover quickly! It's crazy making stuff isn't it. It appears to go against all what human beings need and desire. A loving trusting caring partner, but still doesn't cut it. I believe he is use to being quite triggered in the past as he told me the two women that broke his heart were really flirty and were always out in the pub flirting and coming home drunk and texting other men. I dont want to play any games to get someone to become more anxious to keep them around. I wanted to be loving, caring and kind to him. He told me I was the only women to ever cook him lovely food and care for him. That made me sad to here, but his issues are to deep down to show up properly for me. Thanks for your kind words and i appreciate your reply. I hope your doing ok and healing well. It does, and I received the same assurances then the pull away's (done with excuses of busy, kids etc etc) and intermittent reinforcement etc. Off topic a little, but I am reading Pete Walkers kindle version book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", I'm reading and my jaw is dropping how similar it is to my exe's behaviour, the 4F's (Fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses) and how he mentions triggers and flashbacks. And the links directly to the Fearful-Avoidant attachment. Once you get into this stuff you can go deep that's for sure. In my case, it's purely to help, if required of me, and to gain an understanding on listening and reciprocation. This however will not "fix" anyone or make a relationship possible. But it helps in understanding, and may help the other person if they are open to self help, self actualization and ultimately self love. I hope this guy awakens and is open to helping himself. It's heartbreaking to see. |
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 8:09:13 GMT
It's crazy making stuff isn't it. It appears to go against all what human beings need and desire. A loving trusting caring partner, but still doesn't cut it. I believe he is use to being quite triggered in the past as he told me the two women that broke his heart were really flirty and were always out in the pub flirting and coming home drunk and texting other men. I dont want to play any games to get someone to become more anxious to keep them around. I wanted to be loving, caring and kind to him. He told me I was the only women to ever cook him lovely food and care for him. That made me sad to here, but his issues are to deep down to show up properly for me. Thanks for your kind words and i appreciate your reply. I hope your doing ok and healing well. It does, and I received the same assurances then the pull away's (done with excuses of busy, kids etc etc) and intermittent reinforcement etc. Off topic a little, but I am reading Pete Walkers kindle version book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", I'm reading and my jaw is dropping how similar it is to my exe's behaviour, the 4F's (Fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses) and how he mentions triggers and flashbacks. And the links directly to the Fearful-Avoidant attachment. Once you get into this stuff you can go deep that's for sure. In my case, it's purely to help, if required of me, and to gain an understanding on listening and reciprocation. This however will not "fix" anyone or make a relationship possible. But it helps in understanding, and may help the other person if they are open to self help, self actualization and ultimately self love. I hope this guy awakens and is open to helping himself. It's heartbreaking to see. I’ve read Pete walkers stuff...seems like he is earned secure from AP...I re-read the 4 f’s...I am definitely a flight type and I suspect a lot of AP would be. I think FA would likely be more dawn/freeze, not sure about DA? Maybe fight/freeze?fascinating to understand it from his perspective... you can really go deep hey! He mentions about the freeze types that they are the least likely to seek help and the most likely to believe that relationships are dangerous |
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jan 6, 2020 10:42:14 GMT
I think it might be worth taking a look what role alcohol played in all of this. What role will it play now that he's left?
Self medicating is sometimes a fancy way of saying alcoholic. Theres no medicinal value in alcohol. There isn't even anything nutritional about it and it handily destroys lives.
I'm sorry this has happened, I hope you dont try to wash it away with a liquid depressant.
Jules,
Alcoholic.
(In recovery)
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 11:00:53 GMT
I agree if one or both of you have an addiction of any kind the chance of any healthy relationship will be greatly diminished. If you have a drinking problem of your own dealing with this is the first priority before any relationship
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 11:49:45 GMT
I think it might be worth taking a look what role alcohol played in all of this. What role will it play now that he's left? Self medicating is sometimes a fancy way of saying alcoholic. Theres no medicinal value in alcohol. There isn't even anything nutritional about it and it handily destroys lives. I'm sorry this has happened, I hope you dont try to wash it away with a liquid depressant. Jules, Alcoholic. (In recovery) Jules thank you. I was married to an alcoholic for over 25yrs until he died 3yrs ago from esophagul cancer, he had been in AA for two years before he passed away. I started to drink heavily during the latter stages of the marriage and did actually go to AA myself for a little while. My recent ex has a drinking problem to and mine really spiralled out of control when I got into this relationship. I do think I am an alcoholic and need to stop drinking as it really isn't helping. I think drink played a massive part in his leaving as I believe deep down he new I was relying on it more to cope with the loneliness and dissatisfaction I was feeling in the relationship. I'm a mess at the moment Jules, my heart is racing and my mind is in turmoil. Dont know where to begin. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 11:52:29 GMT
I agree if one or both of you have an addiction of any kind the chance of any healthy relationship will be greatly diminished. If you have a drinking problem of your own dealing with this is the first priority before any relationship We both have addiction problems, and mine was getting worse as time was going on from when we first met and he could see that. |
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