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Post by alexandra on Jan 6, 2020 16:59:24 GMT
Helsbells, I'm sorry you're still hurting over this relationship. I think he handled a lot of it terribly, including blind siding you with the ending, but I also appreciate your clarity this time that it wasn't working in a healthy way and he too was trying to deal with the dysfunction. Did you stop going to AA because it wasn't working for you or because you weren't ready to stop drinking? Did you ever try Al-Anon? It's more for partners of addicts, but you were one's partner for a long time so there's probably trauma there. You've also been in an extremely codependent situation with this partner, and if you're unable to go to therapy it could help you find some support in that space. It may be a good perspective for you. Take care of yourself. Stopping your drinking will be the first step towards feeling better and will eventually give you a better perspective on this relationship as well.
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Post by serenity on Jan 6, 2020 18:33:50 GMT
I think it might be worth taking a look what role alcohol played in all of this. What role will it play now that he's left? Self medicating is sometimes a fancy way of saying alcoholic. Theres no medicinal value in alcohol. There isn't even anything nutritional about it and it handily destroys lives. I'm sorry this has happened, I hope you dont try to wash it away with a liquid depressant. Jules, Alcoholic. (In recovery) Jules thank you. I was married to an alcoholic for over 25yrs until he died 3yrs ago from esophagul cancer, he had been in AA for two years before he passed away. I started to drink heavily during the latter stages of the marriage and did actually go to AA myself for a little while. My recent ex has a drinking problem to and mine really spiralled out of control when I got into this relationship. I do think I am an alcoholic and need to stop drinking as it really isn't helping. I think drink played a massive part in his leaving as I believe deep down he new I was relying on it more to cope with the loneliness and dissatisfaction I was feeling in the relationship. I'm a mess at the moment Jules, my heart is racing and my mind is in turmoil. Dont know where to begin. Hugs helsbells, You've been through so much loss and relationship trauma in recent years, its no wonder you're drinking. I was wondering, do you have a doctor you like or trust, that you could go see and tell them what happened? You might do better on anti anxiety meds or prescription cannibas (if you have that there) while you go through the Initial shock of another awful loss. Please take care of yourself, and look for some help if you can? You don't need to suffer alone . Alcohol is so very harmful, please look at the alternatives? <3 |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 22:48:09 GMT
Helsbells, I'm sorry you're still hurting over this relationship. I think he handled a lot of it terribly, including blind siding you with the ending, but I also appreciate your clarity this time that it wasn't working in a healthy way and he too was trying to deal with the dysfunction. Did you stop going to AA because it wasn't working for you or because you weren't ready to stop drinking? Did you ever try Al-Anon? It's more for partners of addicts, but you were one's partner for a long time so there's probably trauma there. You've also been in an extremely codependent situation with this partner, and if you're unable to go to therapy it could help you find some support in that space. It may be a good perspective for you. Take care of yourself. Stopping your drinking will be the first step towards feeling better and will eventually give you a better perspective on this relationship as well. Hi Alexandra, lovely to hear from you. If truth be told I left AA convincing myself I wasnt really am alcoholic it was just I was going thru and I could control my drinking if I wanted to. To a certain point I could but the last couple of years I find myself depending on alcohol more and more to ease the pain I feel and the loneliness of feeling second best again. I dont quite feel ready to stop right now but I know I really need too. I'm just pretty broken right now 😪 |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 22:51:49 GMT
Sending you lots of good thoughts and comfort Helsbells. It sounds like a devastating situation, and with your latest relationship, one where both people tried so hard but ultimately his attachment / other internal hardships took over. What I've always noticed with alcohol with others and even in a small way with myself is that it temporarily relieves anxiety/depression but then can either turn quick or the day or days after are brutal — making the original state blown up to a degree. It's hard to stop cause one just wants relief. I'm sure you know all of this though. I agree with serenity to try to explore some of the alternatives and continue to do the awesome work you're doing to dive deeper internally. It seems you're very aware, which is super important and one of the hardest parts. Also know we're always here to listen and support you as we can. <3 Thank you caroline, today has not been a good day for me, I'm trying to tell myself this is the worst it will feel so I cant feel much worse. I pray for this to be true. Blessing to you x |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 23:02:50 GMT
Jules thank you. I was married to an alcoholic for over 25yrs until he died 3yrs ago from esophagul cancer, he had been in AA for two years before he passed away. I started to drink heavily during the latter stages of the marriage and did actually go to AA myself for a little while. My recent ex has a drinking problem to and mine really spiralled out of control when I got into this relationship. I do think I am an alcoholic and need to stop drinking as it really isn't helping. I think drink played a massive part in his leaving as I believe deep down he new I was relying on it more to cope with the loneliness and dissatisfaction I was feeling in the relationship. I'm a mess at the moment Jules, my heart is racing and my mind is in turmoil. Dont know where to begin. Hugs helsbells, You've been through so much loss and relationship trauma in recent years, its no wonder you're drinking. I was wondering, do you have a doctor you like or trust, that you could go see and tell them what happened? You might do better on anti anxiety meds or prescription cannibas (if you have that there) while you go through the Initial shock of another awful loss. Please take care of yourself, and look for some help if you can? You don't need to suffer alone . Alcohol is so very harmful, please look at the alternatives? <3 Thanks serenity for your reply. I live in the uk so not sure about cannibas on prescription over here. I dont really know my doctor as I'm not really good at visiting gps and asking for help. The black cloud that I fear so much is looming over head and the thought of that dark place consuming me again has filled me full of fear. The not feeling enough, good enough that has plagued my life from childhood has been weighing heavy on me today. Not good right now, but appreciate everyone talking to me on this forum it is helping x |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 6, 2020 23:39:32 GMT
Hugs helsbells, You've been through so much loss and relationship trauma in recent years, its no wonder you're drinking. I was wondering, do you have a doctor you like or trust, that you could go see and tell them what happened? You might do better on anti anxiety meds or prescription cannibas (if you have that there) while you go through the Initial shock of another awful loss. Please take care of yourself, and look for some help if you can? You don't need to suffer alone . Alcohol is so very harmful, please look at the alternatives? <3 Thanks serenity for your reply. I live in the uk so not sure about cannibas on prescription over here. I dont really know my doctor as I'm not really good at visiting gps and asking for help. The black cloud that I fear so much is looming over head and the thought of that dark place consuming me again has filled me full of fear. The not feeling enough, good enough that has plagued my life from childhood has been weighing heavy on me today. Not good right now, but appreciate everyone talking to me on this forum it is helping x Helsbels, have you heard of or read/picked up Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 23:42:48 GMT
Thanks serenity for your reply. I live in the uk so not sure about cannibas on prescription over here. I dont really know my doctor as I'm not really good at visiting gps and asking for help. The black cloud that I fear so much is looming over head and the thought of that dark place consuming me again has filled me full of fear. The not feeling enough, good enough that has plagued my life from childhood has been weighing heavy on me today. Not good right now, but appreciate everyone talking to me on this forum it is helping x Helsbels, have you heard of or read/picked up Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? No I haven't heard of him or the book. Would I benefit from it? Many thanks |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 6, 2020 23:47:33 GMT
Helsbels, have you heard of or read/picked up Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? No I haven't heard of him or the book. Would I benefit from it? Many thanks Download Kindle for free, and on amazon, you can buy it for like US$10 (if youre from the UK even less). If you have past traumas to identify, there is a very systematic way he deals with identifying and working on it, and reducing the inner critical voice etc. Also Pia Mellody and John Bradshaw are people he has taken from. Just an eye opener, and I found it is intrinsically linked to my F-A's behaviour. I think anything is worth reading personally, but this seems very good, I'd recommend definitely. |
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 23:48:02 GMT
Helsbels, have you heard of or read/picked up Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? No I haven't heard of him or the book. Would I benefit from it? Many thanks Highly recommend this book He also has heaps of free reading similar to book content on his website He’s amazing |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 7, 2020 0:07:18 GMT
Thanks for the recommendation I will order myself a copy and also check out his website, cheers x
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Post by mrob on Jan 7, 2020 0:19:06 GMT
Some questions that only you can answer in your own mind. The answers are your business entirely. Helsbells Do you drink because you have problems? To face up to stressful situations? Do you drink when you get mad at other people, your friends or parents? Do you often prefer to drink alone, rather than with others? Are you starting to get low marks? Are you skiving off work? Do you ever try to stop or drink less – and fail? Have you begun to drink in the morning, before school or work? Do you gulp your drinks as if to satisfy a great thirst? Do you ever have loss of memory due to your drinking? Do you avoid being honest with others about your drinking? Do you ever get into trouble when you are drinking? Do you often get drunk when you drink, even when you do not mean to The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what your drinking might be doing to you. My life, trying to get over my 1st wife, a DA, was like Groundhog Day for two years, even though I certainly had a problem years before. It was only when I got sober and started looking at my life that things improved. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Jan 7, 2020 0:55:48 GMT
Some questions that only you can answer in your own mind. The answers are your business entirely. Helsbells Do you drink because you have problems? To face up to stressful situations? Do you drink when you get mad at other people, your friends or parents? Do you often prefer to drink alone, rather than with others? Are you starting to get low marks? Are you skiving off work? Do you ever try to stop or drink less – and fail? Have you begun to drink in the morning, before school or work? Do you gulp your drinks as if to satisfy a great thirst? Do you ever have loss of memory due to your drinking? Do you avoid being honest with others about your drinking? Do you ever get into trouble when you are drinking? Do you often get drunk when you drink, even when you do not mean to The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what your drinking might be doing to you. My life, trying to get over my 1st wife, a DA, was like Groundhog Day for two years, even though I certainly had a problem years before. It was only when I got sober and started looking at my life that things improved. This. Getting sober was not easy. I thought I would never stop. I wanted to, but i couldn't. That said? Sobriety is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. As I focused on that, things fell into place. It took time. I was in and out of AA for a while before I began to work the program. I hope you might give it another go. Take gentle care of yourself, You can do this! |
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Post by serenity on Jan 7, 2020 7:05:35 GMT
Hugs helsbells, You've been through so much loss and relationship trauma in recent years, its no wonder you're drinking. I was wondering, do you have a doctor you like or trust, that you could go see and tell them what happened? You might do better on anti anxiety meds or prescription cannibas (if you have that there) while you go through the Initial shock of another awful loss. Please take care of yourself, and look for some help if you can? You don't need to suffer alone . Alcohol is so very harmful, please look at the alternatives? <3 Thanks serenity for your reply. I live in the uk so not sure about cannibas on prescription over here. I dont really know my doctor as I'm not really good at visiting gps and asking for help. The black cloud that I fear so much is looming over head and the thought of that dark place consuming me again has filled me full of fear. The not feeling enough, good enough that has plagued my life from childhood has been weighing heavy on me today. Not good right now, but appreciate everyone talking to me on this forum it is helping x I lost my SO of 15 years a few years back, a car accident, and he was a true beauty and the love of my life. I tried to drink my way through it, but the anxiety of his loss took over, I couldn't sleep and I had a full mental breakdown because of the lack of sleep. After that, I could not focus enough to even prepare a meal, and couldn't read or talk for a time, it got that bad when I collapsed. It took about a year for me to recover basic functions. I forced myself to go to a GP, and he made me talk about what happened. That was the best thing ever, because I had noone. He gave me anti anxiety meds to calm me down, and it sedated me through the worst of it. I know the black cloud you mean, it was exactly like that. I'm so sorry for your loss. And that this selfish muppet was the guy you looked to for love and he let you down so catastrophically. He probably has no idea or care for how badly that affected you, after what you went through already. Don't drink yourself to death. Take care of your precious body, it needs your care now. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 7, 2020 14:28:35 GMT
Some questions that only you can answer in your own mind. The answers are your business entirely. Helsbells Do you drink because you have problems? To face up to stressful situations? Do you drink when you get mad at other people, your friends or parents? Do you often prefer to drink alone, rather than with others? Are you starting to get low marks? Are you skiving off work? Do you ever try to stop or drink less – and fail? Have you begun to drink in the morning, before school or work? Do you gulp your drinks as if to satisfy a great thirst? Do you ever have loss of memory due to your drinking? Do you avoid being honest with others about your drinking? Do you ever get into trouble when you are drinking? Do you often get drunk when you drink, even when you do not mean to The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what your drinking might be doing to you. My life, trying to get over my 1st wife, a DA, was like Groundhog Day for two years, even though I certainly had a problem years before. It was only when I got sober and started looking at my life that things improved. If I'm being totally honest with myself I can say yes to more than one of these questions. May I ask when you say every day felt like groundhog day for the first two years after your first wive, was that because you were drinking on your pain and trying to drown this stuff out. Is AA the only way one can get sober? |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 7, 2020 14:32:33 GMT
Some questions that only you can answer in your own mind. The answers are your business entirely. Helsbells Do you drink because you have problems? To face up to stressful situations? Do you drink when you get mad at other people, your friends or parents? Do you often prefer to drink alone, rather than with others? Are you starting to get low marks? Are you skiving off work? Do you ever try to stop or drink less – and fail? Have you begun to drink in the morning, before school or work? Do you gulp your drinks as if to satisfy a great thirst? Do you ever have loss of memory due to your drinking? Do you avoid being honest with others about your drinking? Do you ever get into trouble when you are drinking? Do you often get drunk when you drink, even when you do not mean to The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what your drinking might be doing to you. My life, trying to get over my 1st wife, a DA, was like Groundhog Day for two years, even though I certainly had a problem years before. It was only when I got sober and started looking at my life that things improved. This. Getting sober was not easy. I thought I would never stop. I wanted to, but i couldn't. That said? Sobriety is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. As I focused on that, things fell into place. It took time. I was in and out of AA for a while before I began to work the program. I hope you might give it another go. Take gentle care of yourself, You can do this! I feel a failure when I have gone to AA in the past because I haven't been able to commit myself to the program and feel to shy to speak up at meetings. Are there any other methods. Being such a loner doesn't help me. Feeling scared that I will be stuck like this forever. |
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