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Post by mrob on Feb 16, 2020 11:00:02 GMT
I’m embarrassed and just plain sad. Today, I found out that Miss Unavailable is really unavailable. That she plans to go to marriage counselling with a view to reconciling her marriage, and that she could no longer hold hands with me in public. This brought back memories of going crazy having an affair which ended my own marriage almost five years ago. I told her that I couldn’t do the deception and secrecy, and that if we were to see each other it would be as platonic friends.
Unfortunately, I’m not capable of that. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m just plain sad. This one has really knocked the daylights out of me, triggering me anxious in a way I haven’t felt since high school unrequited love. I saw this coming, and it’s not like we’re actually compatible, but I feel ashamed, especially with the knowledge of here.
I’m not asking for advice, I just needed to get this out. You can have all the knowledge, but it’s about using it. I can now say I’ve dated all styles of attachment and it doesn’t matter what the other person is, it’s unsuccessful because of my style - who I pick and why. How we interact and why.
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Me
Junior Member
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Post by Me on Feb 16, 2020 11:23:00 GMT
Its unsuccessful for now anyway . From what I've seen of you on here you are putting in a huge amount of work and are really aware of yourself and your patterns . I'm sure you will get to secure or close to it one day . It's all so hard no matter what your style but we are also the luckier ones because we know what the problem is so we can work to change things . Still sucks in the meantime though
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2020 11:51:57 GMT
mrob, shame is the reaction of the attachment style. You don't need to be ashamed that you didn't make all the right decisions here, or that the pattern played out. You had needs you were trying to get met, and you're aware of your attachment style but still experiencing the different ways in which it manifests for you. Yes, chasing someone unavailable is generally going to result in heartache, but I also had to date all the attachment styles and then feel deep heartache to hit bottom enough to put the focus entirely on myself and make progress. I'm going to try not to problem-solve and let you vent but... self-acceptance is a big part of the key to resolving at least the anxious side of insecure attachment. Shame, so common and debilitating, is the opposite. So I'm still going to flag that -- you are figuring out how attachment applies even if you're educated about it, and what's happened has happened. Have compassion for yourself, and learn from the experience, but don't get dragged down into the shame spiral. You're still trying to figure things out, and that's more progress than not.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 16, 2020 19:55:23 GMT
Understandable your feelings Mrob, and you'll process it as you will. I just want to say a couple hopefully helpful things, meant to be anyway. You are aware and learning and putting in effort, and that's all anyone can do. Also a boundary set, where you know you can't accept something and you stated it. Well done sir, and please don't be too hard on yourself.
Thanks for sharing here, it helps everyone.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2020 14:46:10 GMT
I am so sorry you are hurting. I don’t think it truly helps you to get into the mindset of thinking it is all you.....it does require 2 insecures to come together. I do believe the key difference between insecures and secures is that secures trust themselves and others...whereas insecures may trust self but not others, others but not self or self or others. I think that being aware puts you at a great advantage. Hugs.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 17, 2020 19:18:21 GMT
Learning curve. All these relationships- good or bad, teach us something. Chin up, you’re doing fine!
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Post by number9 on Feb 17, 2020 23:18:34 GMT
I’m embarrassed and just plain sad. Today, I found out that Miss Unavailable is really unavailable. That she plans to go to marriage counselling with a view to reconciling her marriage, and that she could no longer hold hands with me in public. This brought back memories of going crazy having an affair which ended my own marriage almost five years ago. I told her that I couldn’t do the deception and secrecy, and that if we were to see each other it would be as platonic friends. Unfortunately, I’m not capable of that. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m just plain sad. This one has really knocked the daylights out of me, triggering me anxious in a way I haven’t felt since high school unrequited love. I saw this coming, and it’s not like we’re actually compatible, but I feel ashamed, especially with the knowledge of here. I’m not asking for advice, I just needed to get this out. You can have all the knowledge, but it’s about using it. I can now say I’ve dated all styles of attachment and it doesn’t matter what the other person is, it’s unsuccessful because of my style - who I pick and why. How we interact and why. That sounds very sad. I hope you can find some peace, do something nice for yourself. Best wishes from Canada! |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 17, 2020 23:36:39 GMT
I’m embarrassed and just plain sad. Today, I found out that Miss Unavailable is really unavailable. That she plans to go to marriage counselling with a view to reconciling her marriage, and that she could no longer hold hands with me in public. This brought back memories of going crazy having an affair which ended my own marriage almost five years ago. I told her that I couldn’t do the deception and secrecy, and that if we were to see each other it would be as platonic friends. Unfortunately, I’m not capable of that. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m just plain sad. This one has really knocked the daylights out of me, triggering me anxious in a way I haven’t felt since high school unrequited love. I saw this coming, and it’s not like we’re actually compatible, but I feel ashamed, especially with the knowledge of here. I’m not asking for advice, I just needed to get this out. You can have all the knowledge, but it’s about using it. I can now say I’ve dated all styles of attachment and it doesn’t matter what the other person is, it’s unsuccessful because of my style - who I pick and why. How we interact and why. Thank you for sharing, it is so very valuable. And so you stumbled, you're in the best place to share that. You're aware of your patterns and triggers and that's valuable going forward. Seems we are all here learning and growing from pain. We may learn some things slowly, but we learn nonetheless. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend who came to you for support. |
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Post by serenity on Feb 17, 2020 23:48:13 GMT
I’m embarrassed and just plain sad. Today, I found out that Miss Unavailable is really unavailable. That she plans to go to marriage counselling with a view to reconciling her marriage, and that she could no longer hold hands with me in public. This brought back memories of going crazy having an affair which ended my own marriage almost five years ago. I told her that I couldn’t do the deception and secrecy, and that if we were to see each other it would be as platonic friends. Unfortunately, I’m not capable of that. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m just plain sad. This one has really knocked the daylights out of me, triggering me anxious in a way I haven’t felt since high school unrequited love. I saw this coming, and it’s not like we’re actually compatible, but I feel ashamed, especially with the knowledge of here. I’m not asking for advice, I just needed to get this out. You can have all the knowledge, but it’s about using it. I can now say I’ve dated all styles of attachment and it doesn’t matter what the other person is, it’s unsuccessful because of my style - who I pick and why. How we interact and why. I'm very sorry it turned out that way mrob. Good on you for asserting some boundaries, as much as it hurts . Please be well <3 |
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Post by ik2020 on Feb 18, 2020 7:09:16 GMT
Hope you feel better soon mrob. Your genuine and honest posts have been a constant help in my own journey and I wish you all the best.
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Post by mrob on Feb 19, 2020 17:47:59 GMT
I am so sorry you are hurting. I don’t think it truly helps you to get into the mindset of thinking it is all you..... it does require 2 insecures to come together. I do believe the key difference between insecures and secures is that secures trust themselves and others...whereas insecures may trust self but not others, others but not self or self or others. I think that being aware puts you at a great advantage. Hugs. The bold sounds remarkably like somebody saying... “an avoidant doesn’t operate in a vacuum, it takes two to tango” lol. Thankyou. I needed to hear that. |
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Post by mrob on May 13, 2020 23:41:47 GMT
I’m really embarrassed about this, and it’s why I haven’t been posting too much.
She left her husband altogether and got in contact, so we’ve been loosely seeing each other for a bit. Obviously, there’s a lot of hurt that comes with the dissolution of any marriage. I’ve just been there for her. Yesterday, though, laying on the lounge watching something I didn’t want to watch, trying to cuddle up to someone who is emotionally unavailable, the calm, clear as a bell thought came on me that I was trying to do what I did with my grandmother and first wife. That I was trying to get love out of someone who is unavailable. I got up, wished her well and left. We then sent one message either way, not nasty, but finalising our contact.
I feel weird, a little shellshocked, but lighter, and with more work to do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2020 23:53:39 GMT
I’m really embarrassed about this, and it’s why I haven’t been posting too much. She left her husband altogether and got in contact, so we’ve been loosely seeing each other for a bit. Obviously, there’s a lot of hurt that comes with the dissolution of any marriage. I’ve just been there for her. Yesterday, though, laying on the lounge watching something I didn’t want to watch, trying to cuddle up to someone who is emotionally unavailable, the calm, clear as a bell thought came on me that I was trying to do what I did with my grandmother and first wife. That I was trying to get love out of someone who is unavailable. I got up, wished her well and left. We then sent one message either way, not nasty, but finalising our contact. I feel weird, a little shellshocked, but lighter, and with more work to do. sending you some support here. sounds like a levelling up moment there. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2020 0:39:05 GMT
I’m really embarrassed about this, and it’s why I haven’t been posting too much. She left her husband altogether and got in contact, so we’ve been loosely seeing each other for a bit. Obviously, there’s a lot of hurt that comes with the dissolution of any marriage. I’ve just been there for her. Yesterday, though, laying on the lounge watching something I didn’t want to watch, trying to cuddle up to someone who is emotionally unavailable, the calm, clear as a bell thought came on me that I was trying to do what I did with my grandmother and first wife. That I was trying to get love out of someone who is unavailable. I got up, wished her well and left. We then sent one message either way, not nasty, but finalising our contact. I feel weird, a little shellshocked, but lighter, and with more work to do. Wow....that is quite a realization you came to and I know it must hurt like heck but it sounds like you dodged a tricky situation. Sending you best wishes. |
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Post by mrob on May 14, 2020 1:33:40 GMT
It’s really strange. There’s a bit of regret, but it doesn’t really hurt. I can only describe that realisation as calm.
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