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Post by caro on May 14, 2020 19:36:57 GMT
Sending you good thoughts. Clarity is healing, eventually. But it's usually not an easy process.
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Post by Helsbells on May 15, 2020 12:46:37 GMT
mrob it shows how far you have come on your personal healing journey and that is really positive. Time is to precious to waste . I feel staying with my ex was making me become so unavailable myself. He did make more effort to be present more available for me but I just never truly felt at ease in his company my nervous system was never truly calm and that was after knowing him for 2.5 yrs. My mind can still wander back and I can find myself only thinking off the good times but at the end off the day the relationship had no real foundations to be sustainable he was a fair weather bf as longs as I had no expectations or expressed my desires he would stay with me, but if i did start to show needs puff he was gone again and my nervous system new that. All my abandonment issues from trying to get an ounce of what felt like love and affection from my unavailable mother was starting to make me feel very very poorly hence alot of using a substance to self soothe.
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alice
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Post by alice on May 16, 2020 6:33:24 GMT
It’s really strange. There’s a bit of regret, but it doesn’t really hurt. I can only describe that realisation as calm. I'm not sure if this is what you mean, and I'm not sure that I can explain it well, but I've found that when I realize any dysfunctional emotions I have in relation to a man are really fully internal to me, my perspective completely changes. I have this epiphany that he isn't making me feel a thing, and that everything I am experiencing is of my own doing. It's a slap of logic to the face really, and when I feel this, I become completely calm. The emotions settle. |
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Post by Helsbells on May 16, 2020 8:21:56 GMT
It’s really strange. There’s a bit of regret, but it doesn’t really hurt. I can only describe that realisation as calm. I'm not sure if this is what you mean, and I'm not sure that I can explain it well, but I've found that when I realize any dysfunctional emotions I have in relation to a man are really fully internal to me, my perspective completely changes. I have this epiphany that he isn't making me feel a thing, and that everything I am experiencing is of my own doing. It's a slap of logic to the face really, and when I feel this, I become completely calm. The emotions settle. This is a new part of my healing that I'm starting to become more aware off. It's like with my ex I would think it was him making me feel insecure because he only appears to talk to females on social media or have female friends alot of them exs. The truth is his actions triggered my insecurities, so basically " I am insecure in this relationship ", this relationship Isn't healthy for me", because I need to feel safe and secure. |
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alice
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Post by alice on May 16, 2020 8:48:09 GMT
alice This is a new part of my healing that I'm starting to become more aware off. It's like with my ex I would think it was him making me feel insecure because he only appears to talk to females on social media or have female friends alot of them exs. The truth is his actions triggered my insecurities, so basically " I am insecure in this relationship ", this relationship Isn't healthy for me", because I need to feel safe and secure. And sometimes it is on the flip side if you are fantasy bonding. It really isn't HIM making you feel positive either. And as a result, you don't get to know the real person, good or bad (but a decent chance it's a bad situation if you are playing out your attachment issues). |
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Post by Helsbells on May 16, 2020 10:06:22 GMT
Yes that's so true, I need to learn more about fantasy bonding as I feel we both fell into that.
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Post by mrob on May 17, 2020 4:12:44 GMT
It’s really strange. There’s a bit of regret, but it doesn’t really hurt. I can only describe that realisation as calm. I'm not sure if this is what you mean, and I'm not sure that I can explain it well, but I've found that when I realize any dysfunctional emotions I have in relation to a man are really fully internal to me, my perspective completely changes. I have this epiphany that he isn't making me feel a thing, and that everything I am experiencing is of my own doing. It's a slap of logic to the face really, and when I feel this, I become completely calm. The emotions settle. Described far more eloquently. I’m feeling a bit of the withdrawals - missing contact, but on the whole, not too bad. Especially considering how anxious I’ve been in this situation. |
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Post by dhali on May 17, 2020 5:42:46 GMT
Pretty solid to have strong boundaries. Welcome to the world of self respect.... nicely done mrob.
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alice
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Post by alice on May 20, 2020 2:22:49 GMT
Described far more eloquently. I’m feeling a bit of the withdrawals - missing contact, but on the whole, not too bad. Especially considering how anxious I’ve been in this situation. Withdrawals are never easy. I have tried also to tell myself that the withdrawal is in me and not how the other person is acting (or not) towards me. I have control over it because it is how *I* feel. That becomes pretty real to me and I feel that calm again, but then I'll lose that focus and think about the other person again. I guess like most things, it takes practice. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 5, 2020 12:07:30 GMT
..and two weeks later I miss her, and am doing everything not to contact her. Longing, or what! I try to think of all the crap things, but invariably get pulled back, doing all the things I’ve read here over the years. “If I’d just shut my mouth..” Or not made x mistake. Just painful and unremitting.
This is why I guarded myself for many years and tried to get myself into a position to never miss anyone.
I hope the circular thinking subsides soon.
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alice
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Post by alice on Jun 5, 2020 14:44:07 GMT
..and two weeks later I miss her, and am doing everything not to contact her. Longing, or what! I try to think of all the crap things, but invariably get pulled back, doing all the things I’ve read here over the years. “If I’d just shut my mouth..” Or not made x mistake. Just painful and unremitting. This is why I guarded myself for many years and tried to get myself into a position to never miss anyone. I hope the circular thinking subsides soon. Remember that this is in you, which means you have complete control over it. It's really not about her. You could be longing for anyone. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 15:51:22 GMT
This is why I guarded myself for many years and tried to get myself into a position to never miss anyone. This is likely a contributor to you remaining stuck, then. One piece of this is working out how to regulate yourself and inflate your own sense of self worth when something like this happens. Working through it with yourself, not avoid it. It's hard, but I found that this is precisely the moment it's both most difficult and most necessary to actually turn your focus inward and onto proving to yourself that you can have your own back and not abandon yourself. I don't know what that looks like for you, but it may be embracing and improving some interests or new things you've always been interested in but too scared to try. Also, making some decisions, and taking ownership and responsibility for them and sticking with them can help. The longing comes from the need of external regulation and scattered sense of self-identity. So I found that strengthening your own identity and connection with yourself at this time is a start to working through it and coming out stronger on the other end instead of in eventual repeat with a future partner. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 5, 2020 19:33:39 GMT
You’re both right, of course. It was either post that here or send an unwise text message.
I thought I was doing well until a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally dialled her after hanging up from someone else. I hung up before it even rang, but it registered a missed call and she checked up on me by text. For two days there were messages going backwards and forwards, but I was still convinced I’d done the right thing. The opportunity came to meet up and then the wheels fell off my wagon. We didn’t, and I ended up telling her why I left that day, and she just messaged “goodbye”.
I wasn’t expecting this level of longing, so yep, time to do something else. You’ve got no idea how much I appreciate your frank and fearless replies. Thankyou.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 20:08:08 GMT
mrob, keep posting here over unwise text messages, 100%!!!
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Post by annieb on Jun 5, 2020 22:01:12 GMT
You’re both right, of course. It was either post that here or send an unwise text message. I thought I was doing well until a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally dialled her after hanging up from someone else. I hung up before it even rang, but it registered a missed call and she checked up on me by text. For two days there were messages going backwards and forwards, but I was still convinced I’d done the right thing. The opportunity came to meet up and then the wheels fell off my wagon. We didn’t, and I ended up telling her why I left that day, and she just messaged “goodbye”. I wasn’t expecting this level of longing, so yep, time to do something else. You’ve got no idea how much I appreciate your frank and fearless replies. Thankyou. Even though it seems like you didn’t, you crushed it. You should be proud. |
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