thinking of people who aren't thinking of me

It's likely neither of these things are the case. Positioning it as just not that into you / you getting rejected is the negative self-talk, imagining them pining and also staring at the phone is projection.

I've walked away from people I truly liked because we were incompatible. I still think about them sometimes and care but don't reach out because we'd just hurt each other so we both chose to move on (no matter who ended it). Things didn't get far at all with people I just wasn't that into.

If you're both silently staring at the phone, you truly don't want that relationship anyway because good communication and trust isn't there. It's not actually a best-case scenario.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad you're digging into your rumination and trying to sort it out. It's a healthy step!

oh, i've done all of that too, and sometimes I do wonder if they think of me as well. I just remind myself that, it doesn't matter if they did think of me, it only matters that we don't have any form of relationship in reality ergo not someone i can rely on nor care too much about, the reasons why don't matter that much.

when they do surface in my mind, i don't avoid thinking about them - i let the thinking occur but mindfully. all those thoughts tell me is that on some level, i still do care about them and/or what has happened to me. I just acknowledge that and be ok with that, rather than beat myself up over what it all means and why i cant get over it etc etc etc. THAT part is the real kicker of a rumination train!

lovebunny, that's not what I meant. I meant here is another perspective someone who broke things off with you might have that is neither I rejected you because I'm not that into you nor I'm sitting by the phone not telling you how I feel. You can't really know what someone else is thinking and going through when you're not in contact.

Maybe an avoidant, narcissist, etc. isn't feeling that way, as I was never either of those (you can say I was EU because all insecurely attached people are)... but then there's no point guessing about what they were thinking because it's almost certain it had little to nothing to do with you and was driven by their own issues and wouldn't have worked out anyway. In which case, you can take them at their word.

yup, me too - it's those where the connection was strong and then the plug gets pulled suddenly and it's just bewildering and extremely hurtful >> this is where rumination occurs, because my reality was just completely broken for no particular reason. I've stopped trying to figure out the pain or how to stop it; I just acknowledged that the pain can be overwhelming and is a real thing, not just me being unreasonable and sensitive because i was AP. being able to accept that i do have real pain, and that the pain is legitimate and understandable, allows me to have my own back when nobody else would - that in itself I think made me alot stronger, and alot less reliant on other people even my best friends and family. 

i think the rumination comes from two parts - one trying to make sense of it and two trying to halt the pain. my brain just went all directions to try to stay in the present, calm, and safe and not explode from confusion and pain (like what you said - keeps trying to fix the problem). thinking of those people is really just a way of trying to stay in control and keep my "reality" together, because they're suddenly not "there" anymore - my subjective reality and emotional world has been ruptured by someone disappearing which blindsided me. 

i stopped trying to figure out my part of the equation. I just accepted that reality makes no sense, and the less i try to make sense of it, the better it is; ruminating is a way of trying to protect myself by not going with the flow, and staying in the same spot to protect my reality.  The inability to go with the flow for self-protection puts rumination in place as a coping mechanism. Figuring out that my self-protection mechanisms were not that useful for me anymore was way more important in "fixing" the situation than trying to figure out how I was contributing to the problem at hand (important, but the former was more root of the problem). 

I think this is where I struggle as well...the senseless sudden withdrawal after almost no warning signs sent me into about two months of shock after breaking up with my ex fa. I still feel confused about the whole thing, I’ve come to the conclusion that my ex likely deadens himself emotionally, shuts down as a way to protect and then can’t feel loving feelings so thinks it’s about the partner. He was really hung up on doing lots of tantra and other connecting practices whilst we were together, I feel like maybe this was a way he tried to get himself out of emotional numbness and also kind of like spiritual bypass, as a way to avoid the pain by going into bliss.
It’s so hard when someone discards you after a long period of intense love and care from them. Most painful thing I’ve ever gone through in this lifetime, so much grief

Aw, thank you so much for that Serenity, I really appreciate that (and you.)

I do think this is due to the intermittent reenforcement. That’ll be a bitch to shake. Combined with the gaslighting. It’ll cause you to wonder a lot of things. Including your sanity.

In the end it really doesn’t matter. The lens they are looking out at the world isn’t healthy, and their opinion of you will be more about them than not. Think of the lack of vulnerability shared. It’s a pseudo relationship.

I think part of the drug is to be fondly thought of, so that the dance may continue. I know I wouldn’t mind a solid reach out. But that’s pretty broken thinking on my part. I think everyone struggles at times with leaving the past in the past.

I also think a lot of this is about your own self esteem. Which isn’t surprising in the ap side, unfortunately. A person who is confident in who they are, would t give a crap. I’m working my way there... for sure. But it’s hard.