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Post by serenity on Apr 29, 2020 21:15:24 GMT
Trn9, Sending you love and hugs for today. <3
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Post by alexandra on Apr 29, 2020 23:02:53 GMT
I am interested in hearing if this processing of emotions feels any different for you after somatic therapy, tnr9? Like, after some time passes, I wonder if it will still feel like there's pain stuck in your body (as in the past before the therapy) or if it's going to get fully processed and let go because you've been learning how to be more connected to it and yourself. |
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Post by toorational on Apr 29, 2020 23:41:39 GMT
Hey toorational...I understand why you are going there with what you have stated above.....but....I am actually going to put a boundary in place and speak up for myself and say...now is not the time for that. Grieving is a natural part of letting go...while it is true that eventually I will move on and eventually I will be happy for him....Today is not that day. I do hope you understand that what I am asking for in this thread is the ability to process the grief, even if by doing so it may be uncomfortable to others in the community. 🙂 Please accept my apologies. I was trying to be helpful but failed miserably  Of course take your time to grieve. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 2:59:02 GMT
Hey toorational...I understand why you are going there with what you have stated above.....but....I am actually going to put a boundary in place and speak up for myself and say...now is not the time for that. Grieving is a natural part of letting go...while it is true that eventually I will move on and eventually I will be happy for him....Today is not that day. I do hope you understand that what I am asking for in this thread is the ability to process the grief, even if by doing so it may be uncomfortable to others in the community. 🙂 Please accept my apologies. I was trying to be helpful but failed miserably Of course take your time to grieve. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs. It is fine...I know you meant no harm. Hugs back. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 3:06:56 GMT
I am interested in hearing if this processing of emotions feels any different for you after somatic therapy, tnr9 ? Like, after some time passes, I wonder if it will still feel like there's pain stuck in your body (as in the past before the therapy) or if it's going to get fully processed and let go because you've been learning how to be more connected to it and yourself. That is a very good point Alexandra....I am going to monitor things. Today she and I spoke of the hunger that has driven me to desire B. We are both in agreement that online dating would not be very good for me and that instead, I would be better to look for hobbies I enjoy and try to get to know men as friends. I am also going to explore other churches since I still have this fear of going back to the community I left. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2020 3:32:39 GMT
I hear you and I support you in your grief and I’m sorry for everything that went down with B and after. But here is something I would like to share that I learned in therapy that was a breakthrough for me. There is no abandonment as an adult. An adult cannot actually be abandoned because an adult always has a choice. When there is a conflict in a relationship, it’s natural, and it’s not automatically abandonment. If a relationship ends I have the same power as the other person to let go of it whether I was one that got dumped or the dumpee. I was never actually abandoned beyond the age of 18. My abandonment issues are there, but they are an irrational and outdated coping mechanism from when I was a child. I completely agree with you...and I would say it is not the adult side of me that is grieving but the little girl who feels she has lost the most precious thing....think along the lines of a cherished velveteen rabbit, only combine that with a prince and that is how she views B. And that lose is huge...and painful..and real to her. But....so is the notion that someone would judge her poorly about missing him...so, now there are tears. And I want to support her through this...I don’t think grieving was ever looked upon kindly before, I don’t think her ability to see a prince inside of a broken man was ever cherished....it is lovely in it’s own way....extremely charitable and sweet. And it is time that I loved that little girl enough to honor her grieving...to hold her in this space and tell her that she did good.....even though it did not end the way she wanted it to....she still did well. Sorry to hear that tnr9, it does suck to know this sort of news. I do think that it is a progress recognizing that you are grieving for that little girl inside and for lost hopes and dreams for now - i had done the same myself for my previous relationship, and i think it is important to accept that you did have those dreams and hopes, and then in time to come, be able to let go of them since they clearly aren't working for you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 10:08:13 GMT
It was another really challenging night...today marks 3 years since B broke up with me...so already I have looped a bit in the comparison trap. I know that in time I will be able to fully move on but today s just a day of missing what never was,
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 14:00:35 GMT
I completely agree with you...and I would say it is not the adult side of me that is grieving but the little girl who feels she has lost the most precious thing....think along the lines of a cherished velveteen rabbit, only combine that with a prince and that is how she views B. And that lose is huge...and painful..and real to her. But....so is the notion that someone would judge her poorly about missing him...so, now there are tears. And I want to support her through this...I don’t think grieving was ever looked upon kindly before, I don’t think her ability to see a prince inside of a broken man was ever cherished....it is lovely in it’s own way....extremely charitable and sweet. And it is time that I loved that little girl enough to honor her grieving...to hold her in this space and tell her that she did good.....even though it did not end the way she wanted it to....she still did well. Sorry to hear that tnr9 , it does suck to know this sort of news. I do think that it is a progress recognizing that you are grieving for that little girl inside and for lost hopes and dreams for now - i had done the same myself for my previous relationship, and i think it is important to accept that you did have those dreams and hopes, and then in time to come, be able to let go of them since they clearly aren't working for you. What is so strange is that this one is hitting me so hard, even after knowing he did not view me the same way. The loss is so hard to describe...it feels like “everything” at times. Literally feels like she has won the most amazing prize. My mind is playing tricks on me...showing me the most loving and devoted man ever.....and it just hurts. 5 years ago he was not even in my universe and now, at times, he feels like he is my universe. These are obviously just thoughts...and in time it hopefully will become less all consuming. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 30, 2020 14:25:56 GMT
He is only so omnipotent because You’ve given him the power over your feelings and how you feel about yourself because you don’t want to have the responsibility for those feelings. It’s a textbook codependency. We’ve all been there.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 14:38:37 GMT
He is only so omnipotent because You’ve given him the power over your feelings and how you feel about yourself because you don’t want to have the responsibility for those feelings. It’s a textbook codependency. We’ve all been there. Yep.....so I am just sitting with those feelings, recognizing that those feelings are not from an adult part of me and waiting for those feelings to pass because they come and go....they are not static. Meanwhile, I am leaning into activities I enjoy. And thank you for the reminder that what I am experiencing is universal. 💕💕 |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 30, 2020 18:33:22 GMT
And thank you for the reminder that what I am experiencing is universal. 💕💕 It is. And to build on what annie said, the underlying problem is really that you've defined your identity through him for a long time. You imagine yourself through his eyes and how you'd be if you were his partner, instead of knowing who you are without him and assigning yourself your own identity. That's why it feels so specifically devastating and overwhelming. Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? One of the characters says he's been in the revenge business for so long (years and years!) that without having revenge to seek he has no idea what to do. Which leaves him lost but he's choosing to move on and figure out what's next, who he'll be next, instead of letting the person he sought revenge on continue to define him. You haven't been seeking revenge of course, but it's a similar concept. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 30, 2020 20:03:34 GMT
This idea of breaking codependent thought patterns ,that Alexandra and Annie have explained, has been a huge part of feeling "re-empowered" for me personally. Codependent thoughts can be a little hard to identify at first, because they can be buried quite deep subconsciously. And may have been there for a very long time.
It helps to bring them to the light and properly name the thought process. Then you can more easily examine it through the lens of your own value system, and properly challenge it, rather than allow someone else's behaviour or values define what you really feel or think.
The process might look something like this:
Identify a codependent thought: "B prefers another woman, therefore I am not worth loving"
Examination: Am I really not worth loving? What truly makes me lovable, unique, wonderful? Are those things untrue because B values another type of woman?
New conclusion: I am lovable and worthy, and B's preferences are based on his values, not mine.
Set a Boundary: I will not allow men close who use me for my love and undervalue me because of their own values and issues.
There are likely many other subconscious thoughts you can examine this way, related to your inner child. Things like " I will not survive if I let go of this person" (you will) " This person i love is perfect " (he isn't ) "I must do X,Y,Z to win this person's approval and love" (no you don't)
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Post by amber on May 1, 2020 3:53:10 GMT
A male friend of mine went through a bad r/ship breakup a long time ago and was hung up on this woman for FOUR years. He did a year of Somatic experiencing (he actually studied it himself along with sessions) and said all the feelings about her literally vanished. I remember reading somewhere definelty that love requires mutuality and if it isn’t mutual and you’re still hooked on that person it’s alwasy an old attachment issue lingering
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Post by tnr9 on May 1, 2020 14:03:05 GMT
Today I am experiencing the “other side” of my feelings.....these are a bit older, but no more mature....it is the fear...the “I don’t ever want to see him, hear about him” where his name throws me into a tailspin of freeze and avoid. Under the fear there is profound embarrassment, sadness, anger....but without adult tools it comes out as avoiding everything associated with him...mutual friends, church, the singles group. I have never phrased this side this way and it has baffled me for decades...how can I love someone and yet fear them at the exact same time. To feel safe and yet completely unsafe. And it is so extreme...so polar ends.....with no middle ground....and that is where the “there must be something wrong with me” voice gets a hold. Because it seems better and more acceptable to simply push the feelings down and act like everything is fine.
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Post by tnr9 on May 1, 2020 14:50:12 GMT
By the way...it felt super good to post what is above...it needed to come out.
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Of course take your time to grieve. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs. 