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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 1:50:56 GMT
A friend of mine called me tonight and I guess that his fiancée has posted on his page about the engagement. I am so grateful that after I saw that photo of him with the dog that I decided to no longer visit his page. I admit that I am just numb....I have no words....and underneath that numbness is tears. I really don’t know what to think, it is all just raw.
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Post by iz42 on Apr 29, 2020 5:01:35 GMT
Sending hugs tnr9. It must be really painful to receive this news <3 It sounds like you've been making good progress in therapy, and I think you should feel good about the work you've been doing. It's not easy.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 29, 2020 6:06:07 GMT
I'm sorry, tnr9. That is the worst feeling. On the bright side, it may be the news that eventually sets you free to move on. It hit me very hard if the exes I was stuck moved into more serious commitments later, but it would always open the path for me to really close the hope door. But it took a lot of time and sadness first, and strict no contact after finding out, to get there. So, everything in your own time. Please avoid the comparison trap, though. Don't write a narrative for how their relationship may be because you really don't know. She may be very avoidant for all you know, and the quality of the engagement could easily be an arrangement that, under the surface, couldn't make you happy. As you mourn, there's no need for negative self-talk in your process. You've been doing great work to keep growing. This is a hard situation, but you've got you  |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 29, 2020 9:38:16 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 12:36:51 GMT
I'm sorry, tnr9 . That is the worst feeling. On the bright side, it may be the news that eventually sets you free to move on. It hit me very hard if the exes I was stuck moved into more serious commitments later, but it would always open the path for me to really close the hope door. But it took a lot of time and sadness first, and strict no contact after finding out, to get there. So, everything in your own time. Please avoid the comparison trap, though. Don't write a narrative for how their relationship may be because you really don't know. She may be very avoidant for all you know, and the quality of the engagement could easily be an arrangement that, under the surface, couldn't make you happy. As you mourn, there's no need for negative self-talk in your process. You've been doing great work to keep growing. This is a hard situation, but you've got you Thanks Alexandria....it was a really tough night. I did not sleep well at all. I am trying to stay with it....the pain, the loss, the abandonment. It is difficult to not feed the narrative....to fill the void with a relationship that was so strong from the beginning and a woman who was able to provide B the right level of togetherness and separateness. And then there is that nagging question....is he truly FA? Or was he just not into me and my AP drove him away. Or is she just a more deserving and better Christian then I am. |
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Post by toorational on Apr 29, 2020 12:47:18 GMT
The answer to these questions don't really matter in my opinion. Whatever he and you were, you both were not compatible enough in the end. As others have said, it's probably a good thing that this happened, hopefully it will help you turn the page completely on that period of your life and truly forget about him. If you truly loved/love him, you should be happy that he apparently found happiness, even if it's not with you. I recognize that it must be very hard in this very moment but you can see it as a turning point and opportunity in your own life. I wish you all the best.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 13:06:32 GMT
The answer to these questions don't really matter in my opinion. Whatever he and you were, you both were not compatible enough in the end. As others have said, it's probably a good thing that this happened, hopefully it will help you turn the page completely on that period of your life and truly forget about him. If you truly loved/love him, you should be happy that he apparently found happiness, even if it's not with you. I recognize that it must be very hard in this very moment but you can see it as a turning point and opportunity in your own life. I wish you all the best. Hey toorational...I understand why you are going there with what you have stated above.....but....I am actually going to put a boundary in place and speak up for myself and say...now is not the time for that. Grieving is a natural part of letting go...while it is true that eventually I will move on and eventually I will be happy for him....Today is not that day. I do hope you understand that what I am asking for in this thread is the ability to process the grief, even if by doing so it may be uncomfortable to others in the community. 🙂 |
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 29, 2020 13:18:16 GMT
Feeling for you, Tnr9. Wish there was something I could say. But ultimately, he would NOT have made you happy and I know you know that. Sucks though for sure.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 13:47:53 GMT
Feeling for you, Tnr9. Wish there was something I could say. But ultimately, he would NOT have made you happy and I know you know that. Sucks though for sure. Thank you love bunny...I do agree because he would not have truly been in it. I do give him credit for ending the dance eventually.....but boy do I miss him. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 29, 2020 14:35:56 GMT
A friend of mine called me tonight and I guess that his fiancée has posted on his page about the engagement. I am so grateful that after I saw that photo of him with the dog that I decided to no longer visit his page. I admit that I am just numb....I have no words....and underneath that numbness is tears. I really don’t know what to think, it is all just raw. How long has it been since you’re broken up? I am asking because you really have to put a time limit on how long you’re going to let your life be affected by someone, who is your ex and especially someone, who did not want the same things. That’s limerence and codependency and trust me you will be very upset with the time you spent wallowing in this, when you finally do move on. I’ve done the same thing, I think I let someone like this affect me for close to 10 years. And when I look back at that I think how I dared to disrespect myself and my time and my youth with this depression and codependency. How did I not see that it was always me? And while I look forward to my future as a less and less codependent person. The thing I mourn the most now is the time I lost. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 14:57:40 GMT
A friend of mine called me tonight and I guess that his fiancée has posted on his page about the engagement. I am so grateful that after I saw that photo of him with the dog that I decided to no longer visit his page. I admit that I am just numb....I have no words....and underneath that numbness is tears. I really don’t know what to think, it is all just raw. How long has it been since you’re broken up? I am asking because you really have to put a time limit on how long you’re going to let your life be affected by someone, who is your ex and especially someone, who did not want the same things. That’s limerence and codependency and trust me you will be very upset with the time you spent wallowing in this, when you finally do move on. I’ve done the same thing, I think I let someone like this affect me for close to 10 years. And when I look back at that I think how I dared to disrespect myself and my time and my youth with this depression and codependency. How did I not see that it was always me? And while I look forward to my future as a less and less codependent person. The thing I mourn the most now is the time I lost. I appreciate your perspective....it has been almost 3 years and in all fairness, I do not regret the time I have spent because...1. It led me here on a quest of self discovery 2. It allowed me to discover that I was low on serotonin and needed medication 3. It led me back into therapy. Perhaps I look at time differently or perhaps I know myself well enough to know that my track record of moving on has only led to yet another insecure partner...and another insecure partner....and another insecure partner. I am in no way wallowing at this point...but I am trying to give myself permission to grieve. True grieving is where the growth happens, true grieving is where I honor myself by acknowledging just how painful abandonment is....and I have been through a lot of abandonment.....so right now I am grieving B....but I am also grieving every other loss....knowing that I will be ok. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 29, 2020 15:32:55 GMT
I hear you and I support you in your grief and I’m sorry for everything that went down with B and after. But here is something I would like to share that I learned in therapy that was a breakthrough for me. There is no abandonment as an adult. An adult cannot actually be abandoned because an adult always has a choice. When there is a conflict in a relationship, it’s natural, and it’s not automatically abandonment. If a relationship ends I have the same power as the other person to let go of it whether I was one that got dumped or the dumpee. I was never actually abandoned beyond the age of 18. My abandonment issues are there, but they are an irrational and outdated coping mechanism from when I was a child.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 15:53:02 GMT
I hear you and I support you in your grief and I’m sorry for everything that went down with B and after. But here is something I would like to share that I learned in therapy that was a breakthrough for me. There is no abandonment as an adult. An adult cannot actually be abandoned because an adult always has a choice. When there is a conflict in a relationship, it’s natural, and it’s not automatically abandonment. If a relationship ends I have the same power as the other person to let go of it whether I was one that got dumped or the dumpee. I was never actually abandoned beyond the age of 18. My abandonment issues are there, but they are an irrational and outdated coping mechanism from when I was a child. I completely agree with you...and I would say it is not the adult side of me that is grieving but the little girl who feels she has lost the most precious thing....think along the lines of a cherished velveteen rabbit, only combine that with a prince and that is how she views B. And that loss is huge...and painful..and real to her. But....so is the notion that someone would judge her poorly about missing him...so, now there are tears. And I want to support her through this...I don’t think grieving was ever looked upon kindly before, I don’t think her ability to see a prince inside of a broken man was ever cherished....it is lovely in it’s own way....extremely charitable and sweet. And it is time that I loved that little girl enough to honor her grieving...to hold her in this space and tell her that she did good.....even though it did not end the way she wanted it to....she still did well. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2020 17:14:24 GMT
My they appointment went well and I am just going to take it easy today.
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addict
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by addict on Apr 29, 2020 18:53:22 GMT
A friend of mine called me tonight and I guess that his fiancée has posted on his page about the engagement. I am so grateful that after I saw that photo of him with the dog that I decided to no longer visit his page. I admit that I am just numb....I have no words....and underneath that numbness is tears. I really don’t know what to think, it is all just raw. Aww tnr9, I sympathise deeply...in the long run yes of course you will move on but just now you need to grieve the loss of what might have been and all your expectations and dwelling and ruminating on what could have been... It hurts like hell and I too am thinking actually maybe there's nothing wrong with mine... Maybe he's just a bit emotionally immature and couldn't find the words to say actually I don't like you that much so I'm gonna go out and find someone else...whatever the reasons and whatever the future holds I have to rebuild me... My self esteem and start liking myself enough to never allow someone to treat me so hot and cold and think it's ok! You too will eventually feel free of the constant turmoil wondering who he's with and if it's working... One day you'll wake up feeling brighter and hopeful for the future... please let it all out... Sometimes you need to cry and shout from the rooftops... Now is that time... sending lots of love and hugs to help you through this time... It's gonna hurt before it gets better but at least you now know... take care of yourself and I'm here if you need a chat xx |
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