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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 12:52:29 GMT
I've just ended a three year "vague" friendship/relationship with an avoidant. In case, you are wondering, I lean towards the fearful avoidant type.
Here is my conclusion:
We are like a gas station, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We offer 3 kinds of gas: emotional support, companionship and sex/affection. They stop by whenever their tank is empty. We never know when this will be... they pay us in false hopes and then leave us again. We never quite know WHEN they will return or IF they will return. They might even stop at a competitor once and awhile... but they know we are there... always there waiting for them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 13:10:56 GMT
Oh, oh, that is a great metaphor!  I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Time to top up our own tanks.  |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 13:55:53 GMT
Oh, oh, that is a great metaphor! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Time to top up our own tanks. Yes, exactly how I feel right now... don't know whether to laugh or cry... Well the gas station is closed folks! |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 14:02:19 GMT
And my advice to all of those fearful avoidant/anxious types... CLOSE THE GAS STATION. I actually met this guy in graduate school... If only school would teach us these kinds of things when were in grade school and provide/support intervention.
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Post by abolish on Sept 5, 2017 14:13:04 GMT
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 14:18:09 GMT
And my advice to all of those fearful avoidant/anxious types... CLOSE THE GAS STATION. I actually met this guy in graduate school... If only school would teach us these kinds of things when were in grade school and provide/support intervention. This is what I say to my friends all the time haha! Everybody should take Psychology in high school, to learn how to deal with different types of people and how to communicate. Would make a tremendous difference. Great conclusion btw  |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 15:07:27 GMT
And my advice to all of those fearful avoidant/anxious types... CLOSE THE GAS STATION. I actually met this guy in graduate school... If only school would teach us these kinds of things when were in grade school and provide/support intervention. This is what I say to my friends all the time haha! Everybody should take Psychology in high school, to learn how to deal with different types of people and how to communicate. Would make a tremendous difference. Great conclusion btw You hit the nail on the head! Why aren't we taught these things in grade school. I recently came across a site developed by Peter Gerlach... Bless this man... He believes that schools/government should fight to add this type of curriculum to public schools and also to provide support/intervention to children in grade school -- would solve a lot of societies problems... My parents were both elementary teachers and are still oblvious when it comes to this. They were themselves avoidant (especially my father). Because of this, I grew up to be fearful avoidant from the patterns learned in early childhood. And the cycle continues... so on... and so on... |
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Sept 5, 2017 15:27:38 GMT
This is what I say to my friends all the time haha! Everybody should take Psychology in high school, to learn how to deal with different types of people and how to communicate. Would make a tremendous difference. Great conclusion btw You hit the nail on the head! Why aren't we taught these things in grade school. I recently came across a site developed by Peter Gerlach... Bless this man... He believes that schools/government should fight to add this type of curriculum to public schools and also to provide support/intervention to children in grade school -- would solve a lot of societies problems... My parents were both elementary teachers and are still oblvious when it comes to this. They were themselves avoidant (especially my father). Because of this, I grew up to be fearful avoidant from the patterns learned in early childhood. And the cycle continues... so on... and so on... I honestly don't understand why this is not taught in school either! I think it would help so many people. I'm sure it would also help avoidants or people with mental health issues develope and cope a lot easier. This world is so ass backwards sometimes. |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 16:15:05 GMT
Backwards indeed... Society has changed so much in the last 40-50 years. In the good 'ole days... you met your spouse when you were a teenager... married and made the best of it... Unfortunately there were a lot of bad relationships back then too, but I think couples were more willing to work it out as they did not have the financial means to find another partner so easily. Today we are free to choose and we all too often choose the wrong partners. But we are free to leave... and then leave again... the divorce rate is staggering. Our wealth and freedom has brought us more choices than ever but are we really any better off than we were back then? If you ask our grandparents about their partners, I bet most of them would tell you that their marriages weren't always bliss, but they worked it out... Today, I think differently... I think there are so many more avoidants, which are reinforced by our wealth, choices and freedom. It's ok play the field because you have so many choices... back then, you didn't have those choices, so you probably worked harder to keep the partners you had. Perhaps, this is ass backward logic as well. Who knows?
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Post by cricket on Sept 5, 2017 16:49:07 GMT
Backwards indeed... Society has changed so much in the last 40-50 years. In the good 'ole days... you met your spouse when you were a teenager... married and made the best of it... Unfortunately there were a lot of bad relationships back then too, but I think couples were more willing to work it out as they did not have the financial means to find another partner so easily. Today we are free to choose and we all too often choose the wrong partners. But we are free to leave... and then leave again... the divorce rate is staggering. Our wealth and freedom has brought us more choices than ever but are we really any better off than we were back then? If you ask our grandparents about their partners, I bet most of them would tell you that their marriages weren't always bliss, but they worked it out... Today, I think differently... I think there are so many more avoidants, which are reinforced by our wealth, choices and freedom. It's ok play the field because you have so many choices... back then, you didn't have those choices, so you probably worked harder to keep the partners you had. Perhaps, this is ass backward logic as well. Who knows? Yea it's hard to say back then was any better either but we went from one extreme of being "stuck " to the other extreme of total freedom. Maybe we are in that adjustment period and then there will be a nice balance. Seems it still comes down to how you parent and what we as a society value and give praise too. But I agree we do have things all screwed up. This analogy was great though. That's exactly how it feels. |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 18:02:06 GMT
Totally agree!
After I read the books "Attached" and "Avoidant" from Jeb, I suddenly saw APs and DAs/FAs all around me. All struggling big time, entering one toxic relationship after another. This is life. What if we all had this knowledge back then?
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Post by emkaye on Sept 5, 2017 19:26:45 GMT
Read both of them too! Yes the world is full of us anxious and/or avoidant types.... the number increases as we age. I'm in my 40's now and never been married. The dating world is full of us insecures... just floating out there bumping into one another. A sad state indeed. If I had only had this knowledge in my 20s! Silly me, I thought I could become more secure and that would bring about a positive change in my avoidant. It helped some, but it was a constant state of anxiety... I felt chained to my phone. Is he going to call? When is the next time we'll see each other? He kept me guessing for 3 years. The anxiety became stifling. Although I am sad it has ended, I suddenly feel so much more calm and relaxed not having to worry about when and if he would make his triumphal return. Stress be gone!
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sammy
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Post by sammy on Sept 5, 2017 20:04:38 GMT
I've just ended a three year "vague" friendship/relationship with an avoidant. In case, you are wondering, I lean towards the fearful avoidant type. Here is my conclusion: We are like a gas station, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We offer 3 kinds of gas: emotional support, companionship and sex/affection. They stop by whenever their tank is empty. We never know when this will be... they pay us in false hopes and then leave us again. We never quite know WHEN they will return or IF they will return. They might even stop at a competitor once and awhile... but they know we are there... always there waiting for them. As a Anxious preoccupied this has been my relationship with my co-habiting avoidant only now he has ended the relationship after 4 years of ups and downs. However, we are still sharing a house but seperated. He has given me money and rent free accommodation here as long as i want. I think this arrangement suits him very well, i am still here sitting in another room, so he is not completely alone and still in control. I am seeking therapy and some where else to rent in a very expensive area with my elderly dog and a a low income. Something will come up. It's a painful position to be in as i am grieving and mourning the loss of him and his lovely family including his elderly parents and his grown up sons who i am very fond of, while still being under the same roof with him. It sucks! |
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jenga
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Post by jenga on Sept 6, 2017 3:51:47 GMT
Funny... This metaphor is similar to the scenario I had thought up when I was dating my DA/FA ex--even before I knew anything about attachment types. I used to refer to myself as the hamster that he bought at the pet store. The first few months he was so attentive, loving, and adoring of me, but as time went on, he only checked on me every now and again to make sure I was still alive or something!
From the beginning, I knew something was a little off with him... I had spent months after our break up trying to figure out what it was (Drug addict? Depressed? Gay?) because it was a total mindf*ck. Once I discovered attachment styles, my jaw dropped.
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Post by howpredictable on Sept 6, 2017 13:58:01 GMT
I used to refer to myself as the hamster that he bought at the pet store. The first few months he was so attentive, loving, and adoring of me, but as time went on, he only checked on me every now and again to make sure I was still alive or something!
I love this metaphor, Jenga. I also echo your sentiment, about knowing there was something "off" right at the beginning. The challenge for future relationships is for me to heed the messages behind these red flags, rather than to keep trying to get water from an empty well.
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