|
|
Post by lonewolf on Aug 16, 2020 10:48:54 GMT
The disorganised (FA) and sex: They can often have exstreme sex: being promisquious, bsdm, S/M, over/underdog dynamics, or they can be scared of sex. Some can be very sexual/sensual. People often say, that it is the best sex they ever had, having sex with a person with some desorganised attatchmentstyle. They can be promiscuous. They can be scared of sex You can use it as confirmation and be uncritical about who you are having sex with. You can have sex with many people Through sex they can experience closeness. Power / powerlessness. Bondage, s / m sex ect. Pain can be a way to relive past traumas. One may have a tendency to maintain the high nervous system arousel when having extreme sex. If the tension goes down, they may believe, that they are dying on the instinctive level. Sex with a secure person can feel boring. Shame vs. shamelessness Sex can be grounded with shame. Some are ashamed of their body. Also if you had been sexually abused. Or some may be shameless. You are shameless to yourself if you are being promiscues. Because of their unregulated nerveussystem, sex often has to be more exstreme before they can feel anything. Sex can also be a way to discharge ans. As an FA I can really relate to this, it's spot on for me. Specifically I have grown more interested in the prospect of exploring a BDSM relationship with my next sexual partner. I haven't met anyone yet (and there are obviously more important things I need to vet the guy for first, like that we will be good partners for each other through all areas of the relationship!) but I am really interested in this. I follow a couple on YouTube, "LovingBDSM" that have a lot of respect for each other and seem to embody the kind of relationship I would like to have.
In your opinion as a sexologist is this something that has the potential to be healthy for me or an area fraught with traps and danger? The thought of sharing my inner fantasies with a partner is exciting and instinctually feels healing, but many of these fantasies involve pain and extreme situations. In your opinion can this type of sex be explored in a healthy way or is it better left alone?
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 16, 2020 15:10:06 GMT
lonewolf Oh, I'm not a sexologist. I'm just learning from some of my teachers. Have you tried SE therapy before diving into BDSM ? Theres also something called somatic sexologists. Maybe you won't like/need BDSM after you have tried SE therapy or maybe you will still like it after your nerveussystem gets more well regulated. But there's a chance, you will be able to make a better desicion afterwards. We all got different preferences.
|
|
|
|
Post by lonewolf on Aug 16, 2020 20:39:24 GMT
anne12I have just heard about somatic experience therapy for the first time maybe a month ago and started exploring it, funny you bring it up again, wow maybe the universe is trying to tell me something 
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 16, 2020 21:09:42 GMT
lonewolf Ha,ha yes I think you are right that the universe is telling you something really important. When you got some desorganised attatcment style it is your reptile brain who is running the show, when you are getting triggered. It dosent understand logic. You flip the lid (Dan Siegel) and you become busy trying to survive. When you are in survival mode there is no room for love ect. That's why it is crucial that you work with the instinktive level first of all. They do this in SE/attatchment SE therapy
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 20, 2020 9:48:18 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 21, 2020 8:36:56 GMT
Men teaching men: m.youtube.com/watch?v=QEda6Q37kLIUNKNOWN SEXUAL ADVICE FOR MEN: How Can You Have An Orgasm Without Ejaculation? | Mantak Chia and London Real m.youtube.com/watch?v=jU8O2Wx5a9AFor men, orgasm and ejaculation are two different processes that can be separated. Male multiple orgasms in a single session is very possible! An ejaculatory orgasm is actually quite limited, as they only last for 10-15 seconds and leave you feeling exhausted, limp, and depleted. When a man is aroused his sexual energy builds up in the genitals and explodes out of the penis, resulting in ejaculation. When you learn to open up energetic pathways in the body, you can guide this energy to circulate internally. This causes an internal orgasm that vibrates through the entire body, recycling the energy instead of shooting it outside of your body which results in depletion. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 3, 2020 10:54:54 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 4, 2020 5:59:45 GMT
What does it mean to cry during sex?
✨Could be a release of tension- everything you were holding together allowed to come out
✨could be a circumvention of your rational mind that accesses emotions- familiar and unfamiliar
✨the presence of connection could remind you of the absence of or longing for connection
✨you could be filled with all kinds of emotions that overflow as tears
✨you might feel filled with bliss, gratitude, and awe
✨you could be frustrated that you can’t seem to make things go how you want, or stand up for yourself, or create something new
You don’t have to know why, either. You don’t have to wonder if it’s normal or not normal. You don’t have to hold it or hide it, even if you don’t know someone well or you think your partner is eye-rolling. You don’t have to shrink or apologize.
You can just cry, or not. Something’s getting shaken loose, until it becomes a loop. Then you can make a 5 degree adjustment and create a new path.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 2:10:49 GMT
Some men who are stressed out can have a tendencie to want to regulate themselves through sex.
This can make a women feel like shes his stress relieve container. (she can feel like an object) - and most women dont like this.
The woman can say:
Hey, I feel when you come to me you seem stressed out when you want to have sex with me. What about if you go for a run and take a shower afterwards and then we can start on a different level. (dont shame your partner)
What the woman can do is to ask her man to go for a run or mastrubate by himself so that he can get the first layer of stresslevel off and so that he can become more present with her
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 2:34:11 GMT
Notise if the partner you have chosen is leaning more sympathetic or more parasympathetic.
We can have a tendencie to attract the opposite of ourselves in our partner.
Polarity is good for your sexlife..
But sometimes the opposite can become too much for our nerveussystem to handle.
Ex for a woman who is more parasympathetic leaning with a tendencie to flee or freeze and with more elastic tissue with a man leaning more sympathetic with a lot of fight energy and collastic tissiuse and with a lot of testorone.
Sometimes the differencies can become too big so that it can brake the relationship or so that the person leaning parasympathetic can have a tendencie to go into freeze/shut down/dessociation when having sex because the other person's energy is too overwhelming.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 11:12:31 GMT
Sex and the nerveussystem:
The healthy social nerveussystem - parasympathic ventral:
- Is where you find your sexual eye. Your personalitiy.
- The afterglow of sex is also in the social nerveussystem.
- Oxytocin also lives in the social nerveus system. Heart to heart meeting.
- Your select of partner also lives in the social nerveussystem
Healthy sympathetic energy:
- Climax and ejaculation
Healty parasympathecic dorsal:
- Arousel
- Expancion
- Slower release
- Oxytocin
Boundaries can be difficult if you have a tendencie to emerge with another person. Transition can take longer time.
Knowing your own code is important when having sex.
The cascade of functions in safety and health:
Social nervous system: partner selection, safety, trust, comparison, afterglow
Sympathetic nervous system: healthy power and drive, action, climax,
Parasympathetic:
Arousal, dilation, sphincter opening
Arousal is cycles of sympathetic and parasympathetic in the field of social safety— just like birth.
We will move back and forth through these stages under sex.
As Esther Perel notes, if we create too much closeness in the social nervous system, then we lose some of sympathetic charge of the chase and reasonable risk. Yet, if we cannot create trust within or between, we can remain in a survival state, where sex feels physical, not relational.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 13:17:30 GMT
How to unfreeze during sex if you want to change something during sex:
Pratise sentences you can use during sex and rehearse:
Can we pause for a moment ? (tell your partner before sex "when I ask for a pause, I dont want you to stop") (yes, full yes, slow down, full stop)
How are we doing ?
Im noticing Im spaced out
Im starting to get bored
You are not letting down your partner, when you are asking for a pause. Theres a change that you can connect better afterwards.
You can both stand up and shake, dance it out if you are starting to come out of freeze and go into fight/flight ....
When you start to talk togehter with your partner, you will get to know eachother better instead of just assuming what the other person is supposed to like.
Talking is sympathetic.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 13:39:10 GMT
You are doing the disches and your partner comes up behind you and wants sex:
You can say:
"Im sencing that you are kind of aroused right now. I would like to be intimate with you. Where are you at the arousel scale from 1-10 ? And where am I myself ? What can we do xxx so that we can meet eachother ....at the same level
If you are at level 1 and your partner is at level 7, you can ask your partner to check in with you later or you can ask if you both can start on level 1.
Shameing your partner is a shut down.
If you are repulsed, then find out what is repulsing you.
(Women can roll their eyes, say where did you get this idea - from porn ect......)
Dont communicate the repulsion.
Communicate what YOU like. This gets you back into your power.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 16:08:58 GMT
Im a woman with a high sexdrive and Im more sympathetic leaning. I tend to be attracted to more intellectual emotional intelligent type of men but its like they are more parasympathetic leaning with less sexdrive.
What can I do ?
Answer:
Dont expect someone to chance. If you are too far apart, it properly wont work. If he only wants sex every other week and you want every other day it wont work.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 6, 2020 10:16:08 GMT
Do you miss more touch on your breasts, before, during and after sex? Or do you think… it is unnecessary, my breasts are not sensitive ? I have met a lot of women in my work as a sexologist who have said: - my breasts are not sensitive. - I have no relationship with my breasts. - I do not care about my breasts. - I do not need touch on my breasts. The reason we have no feeling in our breasts is simply, that we have forgotten about them. We have no connection or contact with them. We do not touch them or think about them. They are tucked away in a bra and forgotten. There can be many reasons for this: - We are ashamed of how they look. They are either too big, too small, too heavy or something completely different. - The lovers we have had have never learned to caress a woman's breast. They have used them as two buttons - They have been touched and squesied too hard. And instead of guiding our partner, we push him away and say: I still feel nothing. - We are a scared of our own lust, the sensations we feel when our breasts are caressed, we get a little startled and hurry to shut down and remove the stimulation. The good news is: I have not met a single woman who has not got the feeling back in her breasts after she started looking at them differently, doing breast massage and making a loving connection to them. We owe it to ourselves to take care of our breasts ourselves. Our breasts are a part of us. We get pleasure and enjoyment from having a loving relationship with them. And the more we take them to heart, the more orgasmic they become. Yes - we can have breast orgasms. The best way to have a loving relationship with your breasts is through breast massage. A sexologist m.youtube.com/watch?v=hSQKujQ_r5g |
|
