Sex, lovemaking, your sexual blueprint, attatchmentstyles

The wheel of consent

Feminity and sexuality:

Good sex breeds good sex.
Only good sex makes you want more good sex and if you are willing to have sex..
Bad sex does the opposite. Every time you have sex without feeling like it, without having your body with you, you get less desire for sex as a woman.

Pain during intercourse:
If you have an expectation that it will happen, then you will tense up and get into a bad loop.
Here you have to adjust continuously, go slowly, use lube(A lubricant without parabens).
You have to go slower, than you think you have to.
Remember sex is other things, than just penetration.
Caress each other, touch each other instead. When you go slow, you can get more intimacy.
The good sex experiences should overshadow the bad sex experiences.
Do everything you can to avoid it becoming uncomfortable.
As a teenager, you often have energy sex together before being penetrated for the first time. Try to get in contact with this memory.

Your cycle:
You taste different depending on after which you are in your cycling light.
The consistency changes
And the look changes through your bike light
Your diet also affects how you taste.

How do I ask for what I want:

Outside sex, where you are outside the bedroom:
- I would like you to spend more time penetrating me, I would like more sensitve touch, .....

When we are in the sexual act:
You feel how a touch feels on my body
- use small short sentences:
- "harder thanks, a little gentler thanks, a little to the left thanks, slower thanks..."
Every time you have sex, decide to ask for something.
Ask for something simple.

Men chasing orgasm:
Men can have an eagerness, when they are having sex. This can seem overwhelming to some women. 'Imagine sitting on a wild horse and imagine that you are pulling the reins by saying:  "A little slower thank you. I'm sensitive, and I like it slower"

If we as women compromise too often, if we have got a different sexuality, we will become dissatisfied. It's like always being invited out to eat sushi, when you'd rather have a steak.

It is not men who give us the orgasm. (even if a lot of men - and women thinks so) but It's just a premise in the culture that we live in.

Feminity and sexuality:

Curiosity
Willingness
Priority

1) Coriosity:
If we forget to be curious about ourselves or our partner, sex becomes predictable and boring. This often happens in longer term relationships.
If I take the same roller coaster ride over and over again, it gets boring and predictable.
Every day is a new day. What you liked yesterday is not the same as today.
Be curious.
Sex is not static but a process of where you are right now in the precent moment.
The more you cling to what once was, the less exploratory and curious you are. This may be particularly relevant as one approaches menopause.
In a relationship, you can surprise each other. One must be willing to venture into something new - even if it turns out, that it does not work.

2) Willingness:
The most important thing we need and do not want. We can open our desires through our willingness.
I know that desire can come slowly when I say yes to my partner, when I say yes to myself.
I choose an erotic life, because it makes me happy.
With mysself or with a partner.
It's like having a yoga practice. Even if you do not feel like it, you know it will do you good afterwards, so you go to the yoga studio.

The 3 picnics:

1) Your boyfriend asks you if you want to go for a walk in the woods? You feel your YES and you go for a walk in the woods. You feel good afterwards.
2) Your boyfriend asks after a couple of weeks, if you want to go for a walk in the forest again. You do not have time, but you remember how it was the last time, that you went for a walk and how you felt afterwards. So you say yes. Here you use your willingness.
3) Your boyfriend asks if you want to go for a walk in the woods, but you are really tired and exhausted. You have a lot of things to do and you know, that you will regret it later if you say yes. Here you should not say YES, but say thank you darling, but not today. I really appreciate you wanting me. I suggest we go on a picnic later this week. If you are having sex anyway, you are going to lie down and look up at the ceiling and wait for your boyfriend to finish. You will only ruin the sex for yourself and your partner. Feel if you can open up or if it should be another day instead....

3) Priority:
Scheduled sex makes you want more sex
Here we CHOOSE!
We can write it in our calendar. Most of the things we get done are what we write in our calendar.
When I plan sex, I can spend time enjoying myself.
How do you prepare youself for sex:
- By shaving legs
- Do the dishes
- Find some sexy lingerie to put on ect.
You can write in your calendar that you want to take the initiative for sex on Monday without your partner knowing.
Remember good experiences give more good experiences.

Reflection:

How curious are you?
Do you have sex, necause you HAVE to or are you still curious - On yourself and your partner ?
Do you know how to open up your willingness?
How good are you at prioritizing yourself? How good are you at prioritizing your partner?

A female sexoligist

Feminity and sexuality:

What is your attitude towards porn as a sexologist:
- I think people can see what ever they want. It is more important to know what porn and fantasies do.
- porn and fantasy can be a speeder - that is, an access to get in touch with the lust in our body
- it can be a way to hold on to our thoughts in the sexual.
- however, there is also some intimacy that can get lost, because the imagination and porn are in focus and not the intimacy.

When I have sex, I fantasize about another man than my own:
- it's completely normal
- we can learn to take the imagination out of the sexual.

Menopause:
- it affects women differently.
- you can ask for hormones from your doctor
- you can use jade eggs which massage our vagina, so our vaginal wall becomes thicker and we produce more secretion.
- Book: behind the red door, by Tanja Eskildsen

What do I do when I lose the feeling during sex:
- what kind of feeling is lost
- how does it feel
- it is normal to lose the feeling during sex once in a while
- it feels like waves in the ocean when we are having sex
- like a surfer lying on his surfboard in the ocean waiting for the next wave to come. He knows a wave is coming. But he does not know if it is a small wave or a larger wave that is coming or there is a huge wave coming.
The trick is to enjoy the breaks/the pauses.
Most people would like to be in higharousel when having sex.
The breaks/the pauses are just another frequency. It gives us different sensations,  than if we are on top of the wave.
You can learn to surf the wave with a sexologist or at a yoni workshop. The trick is to embrace all types of waves.

Another tip when I have to talk to my partner about sex, so that he dosent feel criticised:
Remember to have the conversation outside of the bedroom.
Say:
I have something important I would like to talk to you about. I will ask you to listen to what I say without interrupting. I say this, because I want us to develop our sexlife together. If you are getting triggered by what I am saying, please raise your hand, and I will pause and I will try to explain it in another way instead.
Its called preframing.

Can men learn to ride the wave?
Yes, they can. The more we have been riding the wave,  the better orgasms we will get in the end.
Everyone can learn to ride the wave. It is about being present in what is happening in the precent moment.

A female sexoligist, couples councelor, yoni and orgasm workshop leader specialised in feminine sexuality

Was it good?

Two bodies that passionately melt together, the deep breathing, the horniness that rushes through the body while slowly surrendering to the orgasm and then roll over to each side and smile passionately to each other.

Then comes the question: Was it good?

But why do we ask each other about this?

If the horniness was top notch and we have been aware of each other in the sexual, then there should be no doubt that it was nice.

The question, 'Was it good' is a closed question.

We can either answer yes or no.

Most people will probably lie and say yes, even if it wasent the best sex

So the question is actually pretty uninteresting.

We do not get an answer we can use for anything. When we ask that way, it is often because we seek some form of affirmation in our abilities as lovers.

A pat on the back that we have done a good job. More than of interest in how it really was for our partner.

If, on the other hand, we are really interested in what it was like for our partner, we must ask in a different way.

E.g:
1) What was especially good today?
2) What did I do that you really enjoyed?
3) Was there anything you would like to get more of?
4) Was there anything you missed?
5) Was there anything I could have done differently?

It takes courage to ask open-ended questions because it is not certain that you will only receive praise.

Maybe you also get honest feedback from your partner about what he / she wants or dreams about. Open-ended questions and honest answers help to create more intimacy and vulnerability.

They provide opportunities to expand our sexual lives, make us better lovers and have better sex.

So instead of asking 'Was it good?' you can try to agree with your partner that you both ask each other open questions every time you have had sex for the next three weeks.

You take turns answering so you are both allowed to answer the same questions.

Choose 3 questions.

First one about something that was good, then one about something you could imagine was different, again one about something that was good.

For example:
1) What was exciting for you today?
2) Was there anything you would like to have more of?
3) What are you grateful for about your partner?

It is important that you just listen to your partner's answers, without answering or explaining anything.

It's your partner's experience. Listen and say thank you for the feedback, and rejoice that you just learned something new about your partner. Be brave the next time you make love with your partner.

Be vulnerable and ask open-ended questions. Then you will learn something new and thereby become a better lover.

A female sexologist, couples counselor, attatchment coach

For many men, lack of sex drive is taboo. It is a masculine ideal to be a potent and virile lover who is always ready to make his woman happy.

Therefore, many men experience decreased sex drive as something shameful. They do not feel like talking about it, but it leaves the woman confused and insecure.

11 typical reasons why a man does not want sex:

He does not want to adapt to his desire
He fears being rejected - low sex self-confidence
He is bored
He does not feel like a man
He is hurt and angry
He wants to be regonised
He's tired
He's stressed
He prefers porn and masturbation
He has performance anxiety
His testosterone level is low

1. He does not want to adapt his sex drive to the womans needs
Men's and women's sex drive is often different. And therefore men and women have different desires for sex and intimacy.
Often the woman is allowed to decide, because the man most often has the greatest sex drive, and therefore more or less voluntarily submits to the woman's wishes.
But if the man always feels that he has to adapt his sexuality, in order to please the woman, he loses the desire.
The man's sex drive is typically more physical and less emotionally oriented. This means that when he has an erection, he really just wants to get started without too many detours. That is why many men are npt interested in a long foreplay.
In addition, the man is typically more goal-oriented. He wants an ejaculation, and then rolls around on the side without having to have a bad conscience.
Finally, men do not always understand the woman's need for love and emotional closeness. He has heard that he has to make sure to warm up the woman during the day, flirt, send sweet text messages, etc. But he does not really understand why.
He does not need emotional closeness to have sex. For him, intimacy may come only during or after sex. 
So if you as a woman experience that your husband no longer bothers to have sex, consider doing it more in his way.
For example, you can offer him a morning blowjob, give him a handjob while you watch porn, have sex in the car when the urge comes over him, agree to a quickie without talking, etc.
Ihe suggestions are only meant to kickstart his lack of sex drive. Once your sex life has gained new energy, talk about your different needs and desires.
I recommend many couples that they occasionally take turns to "decide" how they want sex. It's an easy and fun way to vary your sex life, and both parties show each other their sex drive without having to adjust it.

2. He fears being rejected
Often the man takes the most initiative when it comes to sex. But if the woman rejects him again and again, he  will stop taking the initiative
He gets bad sex self-confidence and stops taking initiative. Instead, he suppresses his lust, or gets his lust satisfied through porn and masturbation.
Think about how often you reject him and consider whether you can reject him in a better way. Instead of just avoiding him, say, “I do not really want sex right now because I'm tired. But tomorrow morning we can have fun. ”
Also remember to tell him that you are happy that he covets you and often takes the initiative for sex.
Many men miss their woman taking more initiative in sex, so if you miss sex as a woman, do not just wait for him to do something. Take the initiative yourself.


3. He's bored
When you have been together for a while, the sex life often becomes routine. There are the same 3 positions in 10 min - its like watching the same movie over and over again.
For some, it means familiar security, which opens them up even more to sex and eroticism. For others, on the other hand, the routine gives them less sexdrive.
It depends i.a. whether sexual desire is driven by dopamine or oxcytocin.

Here are some suggestions for change:
Buy some naughty underwear and surprise him
Visit a sex shop together and get inspired
Try a new position
Have sex somewhere else than in the bedroom
Take a weekend trip in a cottage or hotel
Kiss, flirt and touch each other in the kitchen, car, forest or other new place
Share each a fantasy
Think back to the naughtiest sex you've ever had
Face each other during sex
Have romantic love sex where it's all about giving love
Have wild sex where it's about being as horny as possible
Have slow sex when it comes to being present
Role play

4. He does not feel like a man
The feeling of boredom can also be related to lack of polarity. Polarity is created when both parties behave (and perceive themselves) as male and female. The problem is that modern gender roles sometimes become a little too neutral in an ordinary everyday life.
Therefore, both the man and the woman are responsible for ensuring that everything does not become grey. The man must occasionally find his inner warrior, king or male, and the woman must occasionally find her inner whore, goddess or queen. Every time
As a woman, you can help your husband, by encouraging him to spend time with other men, go to sports, correct him less (so he does not feel like a naughty boy), give him a place in the house that is his, where he can do as he wants without you interfering etc.
You can also awaken his masculinity by being more feminine when you are together. By flirting, being open, luminous and loving. Or tell him you're happy to have sush a masculine strong boyfriend who can take care of you so that he feels like Tarzan.

5. He is hurt and angry
Both men and women can lose sex drive if there is emotional distance. But unlike women, men are often bad at putting their feelings into words. Therefore, they rarely take the initiative to talk about things.
If your husband does not feel like having sex, it may be a sign that he is hurt. Ask about his feelings, but do not expect him to want to talk about it.
A better strategy is to give him love so that he feels accepted and loved. Cuddle yourself into him, give him a massage so he calms down.
Do not try to force him to have sex, but be open, loving and patient.

6. He wants to be recognized
For many men, sex drive and potency are related to feeling strong, successful, competent and good.
Where love might be what women most want from their partner, it gives a man the feeling of being skilled, good, competent and strong.
If you criticize too much, and praise too little, he loses confidence as a man, and therefore he also loses the desire for sex.
Every time you criticize or correct him, remember to praise and acknowledge him twice.

7. He's tired
If he is tired and exhausted, he does not have the energy for sex.
If fatigue is a problem, then finding a time for sex in the morning or in the middle of the day is a simple solution. Many people's sex lives have been ruined by the fact that it only takes place at 11pm, when both are tired.
In fact, the man's testosterone peaks in the morning. So that's another good reason not to wait until the evening with sex.
Make it a habit to go to bed half an hour earlier and set the alarm half an hour earlier. Use the extra 30min to cuddle, and to have sex.

8. He is stressed
Stress puts the body in an alarm state, which makes it physically impossible to get an erection.
Many men are stressed without knowing it. But the body sends a clear signal in the form of lack of sex drive and erection difficulties.
If he is stressed, it only becomes worce if he feels pressured into sex, because it only makes him even more stressed.
Remember, his lack of sex drive has nothing to do with you. So do not take it personally

9. He prefers porn and masturbation
Some men (and some women) become addicted to porn. It's easy, safe and he can get it the way he wants it.
Of course, he decides for himself what he sees on his computer screen, but if porn takes up too much space, it goes beyond your sex and love life.
You can possibly suggest that you watch porn together. That way, porn does not become something that creates distance. Instead, the experience can be used to strengthen the sexual and emotional contact.
Porn addiction can be hard to get rid of. Therefore, I also recommend professional help in the form of couples therapy and sexological counseling.

10. He has performance anxiety
Most men have performance anxiety in one form or another. Because men rely much of their self-esteem in the ability to get an erection and perform, he does not dare take the initiative to sex if he is not 100% sure he can perform.
The more sex only consists of in and out movement, the greater the performance anxiety will be.
Therefore, you need to show him that sex consists of much more than penetration. The better he becomes at giving and receiving without penetration, the less the disaster becomes when the erection fails.
Suggest that you have a nude date, where you lie under the duvet and cuddle, watch movies and talk without penetration. It's a great way to give closeness, love and touch without being stressed about having to perform.
Be careful not to be too outgoing sexually. It can be scary if he suffers from performance anxiety.
It is better that you show your openness and let him come to you. That way, he has control over the situation so he does not suddenly feel he has to perform when he is not ready.

11. His testosterone level is too low
Lack of sex drive may be related to low testosterone levels.

There are several reasons for a low testosterone level:
First of all, testosterone levels are affected by age. The older, the less testosterone the body produces. Therefore, sex drive typically decreases with age.
In addition, being overweight is one of the major causes of low testosterone levels.
Low testosterone levels can also be linked to zinc and magnesium deficiency. It can be easily investigated, by taking a dietary supplement for a period of time, and noticing if it has an effect.
Sleep, exercise and a healthy diet can also contribute to a higher testosterone level, a better relationship with one's body and a generally higher sex drive.

A male sexologist and therapist specialised in working with men groups