First, I'm really grateful to be able to post here. I've learned so much since I found the site a year ago.
I'm sad and struggling right now, and I'm trying not to spiral. I've decided I can't be friends with my (recovering) alcoholic FA ex. I thought we could do the talking-once-in-a-while distant friend thing but he keeps trying to pull me in and then rejecting me. I'm feeling pretty upset. I know it's probably obvious to everyone here that this was a bad idea in the first place, but I thought I could handle it and keep my distance. It's been 5 years since we first met and he has taken up a lot of my time and energy during that time. He is single now and has started reaching out more during the pandemic. Cutting him off is making me feel really alone.
Last week I tried to express my concerns about being friends because I got the sense that he wanted to start dating again. I didn't think I could maintain the same level of contact if he started seeing someone. I felt that I hadn't really explained myself well in the conversation so I texted afterward and asked if I could tell him more about my needs and boundaries in the friendship. He never responded, and I blocked his number. I feel proud for setting a boundary and taking care of myself but it's still really hard. The rejection hurts. I know this will just keep happening if we stay in touch though because he doesn't seem willing to discuss or work on his attachment stuff.
Some of us really struggle with post relationship friends. I really do. I’m going to coffee tomorrow with the lady that bright me here, rather, the relationship failure brought me here. She may as well be married, so there’s nothing going to go on, no reservations. I’ve seen her twice in just under 3.5 years. I just couldn’t see her in person more frequently.
Good luck with the coffee mrob !! That sounds challenging...
Thank you anne12 . No this is my most recent ex. I wrote about the situation when I first joined last August. He had issues with drinking that became worse (full blown alcoholism) after we broke up. I went no contact for about 4-5 months and then I thought we might be able to be friends. He has looked for help and support from me and I've struggled to set boundaries until recently.
You can create a self love vision and maybe you have already made one.
Make a self love vision for yourself. Write it down.
The love for yourself: How do you treat yourself, how do you show yourself love, what do you do to feel safe in your everyday life, do you fail on yourself? Make loving steps towards yourself, take a small step every day. Make a self-love diary. Write 3-5 sentences each night about what you might have thought, said, done to pamper yourself today. Read your vision from time to time..
In your self-love vision, you describe your relationship with yourself - ( just as you describe your relationship with your (future) partner in the love vision. Describe the moods, feelings, sensations in the body and experiences you have when you are with yourself.
Example from a vision: I have an inner calm, because I know, that I can trust myself no matter what happens. I therefore set my boundaries completely naturally and I am listened to because I listen to myself. I enjoy listening to music and letting my body move to the rhythm. There is flow in the body and I feel happy ...
When you use time on yourself, you are showing yourself that you matter. Do some nurishing activities at least 30 min. per day.