What has actually helped DAs become more secure

As your post has discovered, few DAs are looking anywhere for guidance besides inside of themselves, within the context of fierce independence. It just 'is' and unless a DA is also Anxious, it seems this is a very lonely thread. Darn it all, it would be enlightening for sure to hear from someone about their experience. However, here is an article, 2 parts, that may be helpful or enlightening to DAs if they ever wander upon this thread

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-1-dependence-dilemma-0201184
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-2-downside-of-preservation-0201185

Yes, sherry / inmourning.

Also, juniper's later posts.

And ocarina's later posts as well.

For me, body oriented therapy helped. As DA, I had disconnect with my body and difficulty feeling my feelings and thus difficulty knowing my needs. I also practice a daily meditation that promotes connection to the body. Feeling and processing my emotions in my body has been central to my healing. "Waking the Tiger" and "The body keeps the score" are good books about trauma in relation to the body.

Brute force sounds like a bad idea, only increasing the freeze response. I also feel a focus on healing trauma rather than on relationship is preferable to me and other dismissives alike.

Talking to my mother helped to some extent. When I was around 23, I tried to but as I wanted something from her at the time and she felt even talking about what had been amiss as a slight, it was not helpful. At the time, she was not able to separate the idea that I had been hurt from the idea that she failed as a parent; the latter being unbearable to her and blocking conversation. Once I had accepted it was up to me to heal myself, with a therapist, and could make it clear to my mother that I just wanted to know what happened and did not expect her to feel guilty nor had any judgement on her functioning as a parent, we could explore some childhood topics and I would take those feelings to therapy.

I also had friends I could talk to and who have been supportive. Even just knowing my friends are there for me and genuine in their feelings for me is helpful. I am more willing to ask for help on occasion as I know my friends will be there for me and not mind the effort.

Being gentle with myself and having friends who are gentle with me is also important.

Wintersun, if you want to self-soothe and learn, you can do a search for "somatic experiencing"... this is the common term for such methods. Check out Irene Lyon's youtube channel for more info if you have not, and also maybe look into Feldenkrais. Good luck.

Theres a ton on information in this thread you can get inspired by ...

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ect - there can be different techniques depending on your attatchmentstyle

Hi simon, I've just posted some reflections on my SE session today on my main thread - see here: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40242

Oh, and the act of reaching out to a therapist is in itself a good exercise for DA. The reach itself.

Recognizing you can use help, finding someone you trust with your gut and surrendering your problem to him or her.