As others have pointed out, there doesn't seem to be much in the way of resources for DAs looking to become more secure. For new members looking for guidance, here's a thread to compile what we know about what has worked for us in terms of becoming more secure/ overriding our defence mechanisms. So please add any knowledge or experience you have that may help others. Even if it seems obvious or basic, it can be helpful; remember many are only just discovering this about themselves.
If it was therapy, what type of therapy? How long did it take? Did meditating, psychedelics, talking to parents about upbringing help? How about consciously overriding commitment-phobia ie brute force method?
As your post has discovered, few DAs are looking anywhere for guidance besides inside of themselves, within the context of fierce independence. It just 'is' and unless a DA is also Anxious, it seems this is a very lonely thread. Darn it all, it would be enlightening for sure to hear from someone about their experience. However, here is an article, 2 parts, that may be helpful or enlightening to DAs if they ever wander upon this thread
For me, body oriented therapy helped. As DA, I had disconnect with my body and difficulty feeling my feelings and thus difficulty knowing my needs. I also practice a daily meditation that promotes connection to the body. Feeling and processing my emotions in my body has been central to my healing. "Waking the Tiger" and "The body keeps the score" are good books about trauma in relation to the body.
Brute force sounds like a bad idea, only increasing the freeze response. I also feel a focus on healing trauma rather than on relationship is preferable to me and other dismissives alike.
Talking to my mother helped to some extent. When I was around 23, I tried to but as I wanted something from her at the time and she felt even talking about what had been amiss as a slight, it was not helpful. At the time, she was not able to separate the idea that I had been hurt from the idea that she failed as a parent; the latter being unbearable to her and blocking conversation. Once I had accepted it was up to me to heal myself, with a therapist, and could make it clear to my mother that I just wanted to know what happened and did not expect her to feel guilty nor had any judgement on her functioning as a parent, we could explore some childhood topics and I would take those feelings to therapy.
I also had friends I could talk to and who have been supportive. Even just knowing my friends are there for me and genuine in their feelings for me is helpful. I am more willing to ask for help on occasion as I know my friends will be there for me and not mind the effort.
Being gentle with myself and having friends who are gentle with me is also important.
Wintersun, if you want to self-soothe and learn, you can do a search for "somatic experiencing"... this is the common term for such methods. Check out Irene Lyon's youtube channel for more info if you have not, and also maybe look into Feldenkrais. Good luck.
I too feel a need to focus on my own trauma and healing rather than trying to heal with a partner. You mentioned a mediation that was body focused, do you have more information about it?
I think it is similar to somatic experiencing.
The most important thing is to embody it: Heal the trauma in the body, release the stuckness from the body and learn to feel the emotions in the body in the moment.
There are some old posts where I do describe my own process as I went through therapy. It is important that you feel comfortable with your therapist and he or she creates a container for you to heal. Feel free to try a different therapist if you feel awkward with the first one.
I currently practice daily a body focussed meditation to continue to stay connected to my body and my emotions. The one I do came with a training for women, but a body scan or some Chi Kung would also be effective.
I believe that once you learn to be fully intimate with yourself, you are then more able to be intimate with others.
I only realised I was a da over a year ago and I have to say that was incredible - quite unexpected because I never thought there would be a name for my idiosyncrasies but at the same time nothing new.
For me, I think meditation is helping. It helps with everything but also with these wounds I find. I think I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with a Little bit of exposure, let's say. I'm still as picky and the truth is - I doubt I'll ever fix this completely but who knows?- I simply don't trust people. But, how am I supposed to know what is average and what is not when it comes to trusting people? The reality is that most people do not trust the majority of people anyway. I guess they are not as vigilant though?
Daily meditation and some guidance too. You can't really progress in meditation without the right guidance and teachers but if you find these things you'll start seeing the world as a safer place, and people as less dodgy. This contributes to making us a bit more open or helps us tolerate a healthy, wise, and safe level of vulnerability - which is a bit more than most of us are probably used to.
In time, it might even help with 'the presence' element.