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Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2020 17:07:31 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Oct 7, 2020 6:58:08 GMT
WE STRESS DIFFERENTLY
One of the classic examples is that a woman needs to talk a lot, be listened to and be allowed to talk about her hard day without the man disturbing her with practical suggestions on how she can solve the various issues. If she is given space to talk and be listened to, her oxytocin increases, which helps to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone). You probably know yourself the feeling of how wonderful it is to sit and talk to your girlfriends for hours, because this is where your oxytocin and estrogens rise, and thus your stress hormones are lowered. (As a man give your woman 10 min each day to just talk)
However, this is not how it works for men. Men reduce stress by doing something that causes his testosterone to rise, which is why the typical "cave time" such as watching football, playing playstation, running, having sex, drinking beer with friends, etc. can cause his testosterone to increase and decrease his stress.
Women typically release stress by talking. They can tell in detail about the day and the problems. Men often experience being drained of energy by listening to this. He would rather give good advice and solve the situation - she just wants to be listen to.
Tip: You can agree that the woman has 10 minutes (if possible, set an alarm) and the man just has to listen, ask and make affirmative remarks ("That sounds like a hassle to you", "I understand that you are mad over ”etc) and possibly put an arm around her.
You can also imagine holding a bucket (paper basket) in your hands, while you imagine that you are letting the words drop into the basket.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2021 8:38:23 GMT
A lpha males: What is an alpha male ? - its not what you think...
The myth of the alpha male The interesting thing is that the chimpanzee alpha male is not the selfish tyrant that many believe. It is a myth that the alpha male puts down everyone else for his own gain. In fact, the alpha male is the most empathetic of all the males. He is even more caring than the females! This is an important point: The alpha male is the most caring in the whole herd! But it makes good sense if you think about it. Because who do you want to be led by? What type do you listen to, respect and give decision-making competence? It is not an aggressive and dominant macho type. He quickly becomes unpopular, even though he takes up space, says his opinion and is quick to make decisions. If you think of great leaders, presidents, statesmen, Viking kings, Native American chiefs, etc., are these so intimidating macho men who put others down with fear, and think only of their own gain? No. There is a huge difference between an alpha male and a macho man. Alpha male hormoneswww.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/extreme-fear/201010/wholl-be-the-alpha-male-ask-the-hormonestheconversation.com/how-testosterone-and-oxytocin-hormones-interact-in-male-work-and-parenting-effort-38953The properties of the alpha male can be understood from his hormones, especially testosterone, cortisol and oxytocin: Testosterone: Many of the alpha male's traits are related to testosterone. Do you have a lot of testosterone in your body, are you risk-averse, aggressive, have a high sex drive, are a competitive person, make quick decisions, etc. But it takes more than testosterone to be a leader. Cortisol: It's stressful to be an alpha male because a lot of responsibility comes with it and other males try to take your place. But if you are easily stressed, you do not function as a leader, because a leader must maintain calm and a cool overview. In addition to a high level of testosterone, the alpha male is characterized by low levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Therefore, the alpha male has a calmer appearance than the macho man, who is busy signaling power and control. Oxytocin: Oxytocin is important for the ability to read faces, show empathy, bond and deal with fear. All important characteristics of the alpha male. In fact, the smallest chimpanzee can become an alpha male if he is well-liked, good at bonding and forming alliances with other chimpanzees. So it's not just about being big and strong, but about creating good relationships and being well-liked in the herd. It is well known that testosterone levels in men increase when they win in competitions and sports. Whereas it falls in the losers. Therefore, a hunter gets a testosterone boost once he has put down his prey. But now a study by a hunting community in South America shows that in addition to a testosterone boost, the successful hunter also gets a boost of oxytocin, which makes him generous, cooperative and confident. Testosterone makes the hunter strong, energetic and risk-taking. But what good is it to bring a big deer home to the village if you are not able to share. Therefore, it makes sense that nature has taken care to balance a high testosterone level with oxytocin. The truth about the alpha male If you want to be an alpha male, you must be strong, risk-taking and dominant (testosterone). But you also need to be calm and maintain an overview (low level of cortisol). And you have to be generous, empathetic and cooperative (oxytocin). A true alpha male thus has both masculine and feminine qualities. He is a complete man in masculine wrapping. The alpha male is not the bully in the schoolyard, but the yard guard who ensures that no one teases the little ones. The same is observed in the animal world. Frans de Waal is a chimpanzee researcher, and helped invent the concept of alpha male. In this video he tells i.a. second that the alpha male is twice as empathetic as the beta males. In this fascinating look at the "alpha male," primatologist Frans de Waal explores the privileges and costs of power while drawing surprising parallels between how humans and primates choose their leaders. His research reveals some of the unexpected capacities of alpha males -- generosity, empathy, even peacekeeping -- and sheds light on the power struggles of human politicians. "Someone who is big and strong and intimidates and insults everyone is not necessarily an alpha male," de Waal says. www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPsSKKL8N0s&t=47s |
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2021 9:32:40 GMT
Jung's psychology: Anima and what the man is looking for in his relationship
Which woman are you looking for?
What are you looking for in your woman? Should she be a mother to you? Or should she primarily be attractive and sexy? Or do you want a supportive wife and mother for your children?
The type of woman you are looking for as a partner depends, among other things. along with what Jung called the man's anima.
If you are born as a boy, you will at some point discover that you look more like your father than your mother. Your father (or other important men in your life) naturally becomes your role model, allowing you to develop your masculine sides. On the other hand, your feminine qualities are to some extent repressed or underdeveloped, in the same way that girls primarily develop their feminine sides, and displace some of their masculine qualities.
The repressed feminine in the man's subconscious Jung called the anima or the anima complex, while the repressed masculine in the woman is called the animus or the animus complex.
According to Jung (and many others), our innermost nature is neither masculine nor feminine. Therefore, an important part of our personal development is to include the characteristics of the opposite sex in our personality. Ie. a man must recognize his feminine sides and integrate them into his personality. In the same way, a woman must integrate the unconscious masculine into her personality.
The goal is not for either man or woman to lose their masculinity respectively. femininity and becoming asexual, but that both man and woman let the characteristics of the opposite sex have their natural place in the personality
5 stages in the development of men's anima complex
As said, the development of the man's anima complex is reflected in the woman he seeks.
There are 5 stages in the development of the man's anima and what he seeks in his woman:
The woman as mother
The woman as a sex object
The woman as wife
The woman as a godess
The woman as equal
1.The woman as mother
In the 1st stage of development, the man's anima is closely connected with the maternal, ie. the female is primarily perceived as life-giving, caring, nurturing and loving. A man who has not yet integrated the maternal qualities of the feminine into his personality finds it difficult to nurture and care for himself. Therefore, he is attracted (consciously or unconsciously) to caring women who can be “a mother” to him.
Because he cannot fend for himself, he easily becomes dependent on the woman who gives him care. He becomes the mother's boy in an adult body. Such a man typically has a weak or repressed sexuality, and he is often impotent
2.The woman as a sex object
In the 2nd stage of development, the man has integrated the mother energy into his personality. He is no longer looking for a mother, but a woman he can have sex with. Therefore, the ideal woman is the playboy model, who is physically attractive, flirtatious and sexually accessible.
A man who is looking for a sex object is typically very sexually active. His relationship is often short-lived because he leaves the woman if there is not enough sex and eroticism in the relationship. He is the typical don juan who is always on the hunt for the next conquest.
3.The woman as wife
In the 3rd stage of development of the anima complex, man can distinguish desire from love. Sex is no longer the primary driving force for the man, although sex has an important place in his relationship. The woman he is looking for should be neither his mother nor a pinup model. She must first and foremost be a good loyal wife and mother to their children.
The man at this level is self-sufficient. Therefore, he accepts the woman as she is as long as she prioritizes the family. He is faithful and stable, and is therefore able to be in a long lasting relationship.
4.The woman as a guide
In the 4th stage of development, the man does not need a woman who can be a mother, sex object or wife. Instead, he is attracted to women who inspire and guide him to greater self-knowledge.
The woman becomes a kind of a muse to him.
The man at this level needs neither a steady partner nor a family, though he may feel like it. He not only finds love and happiness in the traditional relationship, but is open to alternative forms of cohabitation, open relationships, etc., which means that he does not want to be in a permanent relationship at any cost.
5. The woman as an equal partner
At the 5th level in the development of the anima complex, the man rests in himself. He does not cling to his partner, but does not push her away either. He does not need a woman's recognition, support or inspiration, but instead supports her independence and freedom.
He authentically expresses his masculine essence, while at the same time integrating his feminine sides. He is open to the woman's views, feelings and different way of looking at the world without feeling threatened or going into power struggles.
A relationship at this level has the potential to become something greater than the needs of two egos, namely a source of important life experiences, emotional healing and spiritual insights.
It is worth the effort to grow
The level of development you reach in your teens can remain permanent for the rest of your life, or you can develop. Development means that you let go of a part of yourself, to make room for something new. It is not easy, and often feels uncomfortable, but it is worth the effort, because your life becomes richer.
As you move up through the 5 levels, you discover yourself on deeper levels, which also means that your relationship can enrich you on deeper levels.
David Deida's division of the relationship into 3 levels:
There are some commonalities between Martin Ucik's 5 levels and David Deida's 3 levels of relationships. David Deida calls his 3 levels:
Addiction
The modern 50/50 relationship
The authentic relationship
Level 1 is the patriarchal relationship where the man decides and the woman adapts. It has some common features with Ucik's 1st and 2nd level, where the man and the woman are dependent on each other
The modern 50/50 relationship is the typical modern relationship where man and woman share all tasks, which has many common features with the 3rd level.
Finally, Deida's 3rd level corresponds to Ucikś highest levels, where a man and a woman express their innermost essence.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2021 10:23:39 GMT
There are many couples where the woman is the active and controlling in the relationship while the man has the passive role. That kind of relationship can develop into a mother-son relationship between a castrated man and a strong woman.
In the mother-son-couple relationship, the normal male-female polarity is gone, which i.a. results in lack of physical attraction, irritation, frustration and resistance to each other
Here are the 3 mistakes:
He does not know his values:
He lacks masculine self-esteem
He is afraid of the woman's strong feelings
1. He does not know his values.
Many men opt out of the fight, because they do not know what they stand for.
If you lack self-knowledge, you do not have a fixed point of view in the encounter with the feminine. Therefore, you need to develop your self-esteem and masculine identity in the relationship.
Just as it is part of growing up to form an opinion about politics and the structure of society, so you must also develop a relationship identity: Who are you in your relationship? What is important to you? What is a good relationship for you? ect.
When girls play with dollhouses, they become wiser about relationships. It helps to give them the foundation on which their relationship identity rests. Many men do not have that foundation and therefore they are behind.
As a man, you have to take on the task of growing up in a relationship. Ie. you need to find out what you stand for and take your place in the relationship. Both you and your woman need it.
2. A castrated man have poor self-esteem
Many men have low self-esteem when in contact with women.
The typical man does not know himself, his strengths and qualities, and therefore he doubts himself when confronted by a self-conscious woman. Deep down, he is afraid of not be good enough, and therefore he pleases the woman to compensate for his insecurity.
But the woman do not wnat to be pleased no matter what she expresses. On the contrary. When you please, you are dishonest to yourself and your woman, and it wears out the relationship.
First of all, you need to be aware that you are pleasing. Not whether you please (because you do!), but when and how you please. Discover all the times you compromise, adapt and give in.
The next time you feel the urge to please, smooth out or suppress your needs to maintain the good mood, stand firm. Feel the discomfort in the body, but do not give in
Hold on to yourself and your beliefs, but maintain an open heart, ie. you maintain a loving attitude towards your partner, even if you do not agree. It is not about winning the power struggle, but about you being authentic.
Your woman does not actually want to castrate you, but it happens easily if you lack masculine self-esteem ..
3. You are afraid of the woman's feelings.
Many men have difficulty dealing with women's emotions (just as many men also have difficulty dealing with their own emotions). When a woman is upset, gets angry, shouts or cries, many men become insecure. It feels as if the woman is a great ocean flooding him.
His fear of the feminine hurricane, causes him to withdraw, or try to calm her down by meeting her demands and unspoken expectations. That means he often gives in when there are conflicts.
The solution to the problem is, among other things, that you develop your emotional intelligence. As you become more aware of your emotions, learn to express yourself, be vulnerable, etc., then you can better understand and accommodate women's emotions.
In addition, develop your courage: Do not withdraw when you encounter her feelings. Do not find an excuse to remove yourself physically, but also avoid becoming absent and disappearing mentally.
Instead, stay present and empathetic, even when you feel overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and relax your body.
A lot of men have a hard time finding their masculine standpoint, and therefore they easily become castrated men in the relationship.
Conclusion
Gender equality and strong women are a good thing. No doubt about that.
But it is not good for anyone if the man (or woman) becomes the weak party in a relationship which should be between two equals.
If you as a man feel castrated, then do something about it. It is first and foremost your responsibility - not the woman's responsibility.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 22, 2021 7:44:05 GMT
Mens groups appreciatingmen.com/mens-groups/m.youtube.com/watch?v=N5JztlMT9AU&t=156s - why support groups are important for men (aussies) m.youtube.com/watch?v=dPaPMrtA6lg&t=10s - Dan Doty - what is a mens group A female therapist leading mens groups: I experience that men can benefit from attending mens groups that I fasilitate They often show up in the middle of their lifes after a divorce, after having experienced some kind of crises in their life ect. I hold a container and I lead them through different kind of topics where they can share and listen to other men. Most of the men wants go become better men, husbands, fathers, friends, leaders, co workers than their fathers. |
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Post by krolle on Jul 22, 2021 11:17:15 GMT
There are many couples where the woman is the active and controlling in the relationship while the man has the passive role. That kind of relationship can develop into a mother-son relationship between a castrated man and a strong woman. In the mother-son-couple relationship, the normal male-female polarity is gone, which i.a. results in lack of physical attraction, irritation, frustration and resistance to each other Here are the 3 mistakes: He does not know his values: He lacks masculine self-esteem He is afraid of the woman's strong feelings 1. He does not know his values. Many men opt out of the fight, because they do not know what they stand for. If you lack self-knowledge, you do not have a fixed point of view in the encounter with the feminine. Therefore, you need to develop your self-esteem and masculine identity in the relationship. Just as it is part of growing up to form an opinion about politics and the structure of society, so you must also develop a relationship identity: Who are you in your relationship? What is important to you? What is a good relationship for you? ect. When girls play with dollhouses, they become wiser about relationships. It helps to give them the foundation on which their relationship identity rests. Many men do not have that foundation and therefore they are behind. As a man, you have to take on the task of growing up in a relationship. Ie. you need to find out what you stand for and take your place in the relationship. Both you and your woman need it. 2. A castrated man have poor self-esteem Many men have low self-esteem when in contact with women. The typical man does not know himself, his strengths and qualities, and therefore he doubts himself when confronted by a self-conscious woman. Deep down, he is afraid of not be good enough, and therefore he pleases the woman to compensate for his insecurity. But the woman do not wnat to be pleased no matter what she expresses. On the contrary. When you please, you are dishonest to yourself and your woman, and it wears out the relationship. First of all, you need to be aware that you are pleasing. Not whether you please (because you do!), but when and how you please. Discover all the times you compromise, adapt and give in. The next time you feel the urge to please, smooth out or suppress your needs to maintain the good mood, stand firm. Feel the discomfort in the body, but do not give in Hold on to yourself and your beliefs, but maintain an open heart, ie. you maintain a loving attitude towards your partner, even if you do not agree. It is not about winning the power struggle, but about you being authentic. Your woman does not actually want to castrate you, but it happens easily if you lack masculine self-esteem .. 3. You are afraid of the woman's feelings. Many men have difficulty dealing with women's emotions (just as many men also have difficulty dealing with their own emotions). When a woman is upset, gets angry, shouts or cries, many men become insecure. It feels as if the woman is a great ocean flooding him. His fear of the feminine hurricane, causes him to withdraw, or try to calm her down by meeting her demands and unspoken expectations. That means he often gives in when there are conflicts. The solution to the problem is, among other things, that you develop your emotional intelligence. As you become more aware of your emotions, learn to express yourself, be vulnerable, etc., then you can better understand and accommodate women's emotions. In addition, develop your courage: Do not withdraw when you encounter her feelings. Do not find an excuse to remove yourself physically, but also avoid becoming absent and disappearing mentally. Instead, stay present and empathetic, even when you feel overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and relax your body. A lot of men have a hard time finding their masculine standpoint, and therefore they easily become castrated men in the relationship. ConclusionGender equality and strong women are a good thing. No doubt about that. But it is not good for anyone if the man (or woman) becomes the weak party in a relationship which should be between two equals. If you as a man feel castrated, then do something about it. It is first and foremost your responsibility - not the woman's responsibility. Great post. I enjoy the balanced information you give Anne. I will try to absorb this one. Though being present in the face of an emotional hurricane is going to be very difficult for me to do. I have the tendency to either withdraw or get judgemental in those situations. Though I will judge internally. I won't be outright hostile. Which is probably even worse lol. I do concur with your statement about holding your ground and not trying to please at the cost of your own standpoint. But it's a difficult concept to get your head around. As a man these days sometimes we think if we're super sensative, feminine, and cater to a woman's needs at the expense of our own it will make her happy and allow us to avoid being socially ostracized . Often times that's because that's what our partners and society tells us that's what they want, at least on the surface. It's almost shameful to be a masculine male if a lot of media and popular movements are listened to these days. And accusations of toxic masculinity seem almost as common as accusations of Narcassism. But through experimentation I have found that being masculine and almost doing the opposite of what I thought I should, has been quiet effective in creating sexual attraction especially. It's sometimes quiet baffling to experience. I remember having an in depth conversation with a former lover when we first met who told me she was just looking for a "nice guy" who was gentle, and polite, in touch with his feminine side and such. Really went into detail basically describing a passive doormat. She was also quiet a militant feminist. Which I had nothing against, but found interesting in hindsight. I was in a phase where I was just too exhausted to engage in my usual people pleasing. So I was a little confrontational, in a respectful way. But still didn't back down when she said things I didn't like etc. I acted ostensibly very masculine. To the point where I was getting a little worried it was innapropriate. It felt almost uncomfortable to be unapologetically me (I struggle with shame...FA). Ended up driving her wild. We had some crazy 50 shades of grey style sex for several months after. I remember being quiet confused. I will point out though I have a history of attracting some very unstable people. So enjoy it as an amusing anecdote as opposed to any kind of actual wisdom lol. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 9, 2021 15:06:58 GMT
Hey man!
How to capture the real princess - honestly! Or how to keep the one that you have already found ……. (Assuming she's a real princess.)
Frankly! You can also read more about how to avoid “castration”, continuous hernia or unbearable tooting scenarios… in the future.
“Fine! - what is the use? - I might as well give up!
” "Healthy princesses" only withdraw from you when you do not believe in yourself nor rest in yourself. Because then you are not to be reckoned with.
When you feel inadequate - but pretend to be in control, she will reveal it one day. “True Princesses” will always reveal your little or big white lies about yourself. Your self-deception is her yardstick. (Do you know that women always know when men lie?) So be your own truth too. Be proud of it. The truth that you have found out about yourself. If you do not have something you are sincerely passionate about, she will not look up to you. I'm not talking about your work here if you're a workaholic. (You did not know that, did you ?)
Dear MAN. It is not enough to go to work. And you must replace duty with pleasure and passion. You will never be able to relax in her company. Because she's not happy with you. But you can also just live life alone… ..in a massively aggressive way - "Then they can learn it!" (Or catch an immature princess.)
If you are looking for a "mother nest" that you can lie down comfortably in (because you have been at work and done the laundry right?) Then you have to continue your "capture game" and "fake" yourself all the way - until the divorce is a reality.
You can try to “fake” your “MAN I rest in myself MAN” but you can not maintain something that you are not, unfortunately.
You can train and train the muscles and be wise in mental knowledge, but if you do not train a very specific muscle you will lose. - And she will leave you eventually.
Women are looking for something very special… ..and it is not a specific body part outside of yourself. It is a “nice to enjoy” once you have delivered the special she is looking for.
Do the irresistible every day and you will feel valued and pampered every day. She needs you to show a dedicated commitment. And it is not a promised and agreed one of a kind - it is a delivery in action, implicitly put into your energy as a man.
A feeling that you have her back through your commitment to her. We can also call it EMPATHY and COMPASSION. Without having to save her.
Checking the oil on her car is fine, but it's not what she's really looking for. Being an economical animal is also not enough (and by the way, she can easily provide for herself today.)
The flowing emotional river that runs through her you must learn to contain. You must be her river bank. Now do not be so afraid of her feelings…. "Just hold her space." (She does not want you to fix her.) And it's for sure she's only reacting because you've been busy somewhere else (maybe in your thoughts on the couch - or behind the computer?
Give her your attention, notice her, be curious about her. Show her through action that you care about her. She does not seek that you think of her when you are at work and vacuums her car when you get home.
She wants your presence and your presence - God forbid you do it out of duty…. She needs to be able to feel that you feel like being engaged to her. (not all the time…)
If you ask yourself… is it a little strange that we are not curious about each other as partners? We are not the one we married 20 years ago. We also develop - through each other. Continually. She also wants to be your friend. One to share everything with.
She also wants to be your friend. One to share everything with.
The woman who has her husband's back in action and not only in promised words - will be the most delicious, most beautiful princess that you can ever wish for.
You may be afraid of losing your freedom - but a woman who feels that her husband has her back, sets her husband free !!
She needs you to see her - and she wants to see you.
And she will pamper you with her sweetness and joy, her care, her body and her soul. She will go all in on you, The woman who smiles because she can feel her husband is a real princess.
So man learn to feel sufficient in yourself - honestly
An attatchment couples coach
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Post by krolle on Sept 10, 2021 4:05:24 GMT
WE STRESS DIFFERENTLY One of the classic examples is that a woman needs to talk a lot, be listened to and be allowed to talk about her hard day without the man disturbing her with practical suggestions on how she can solve the various issues. If she is given space to talk and be listened to, her oxytocin increases, which helps to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone). You probably know yourself the feeling of how wonderful it is to sit and talk to your girlfriends for hours, because this is where your oxytocin and estrogens rise, and thus your stress hormones are lowered. (As a man give your woman 10 min each day to just talk) However, this is not how it works for men. Men reduce stress by doing something that causes his testosterone to rise, which is why the typical "cave time" such as watching football, playing playstation, running, having sex, drinking beer with friends, etc. can cause his testosterone to increase and decrease his stress. Do most women genuinely just like to talk for the sake of talking, and being listened to just to be listened to? and not for problem solving purposes? Or is that just a stereotype. I'd like your personal view ladies. It's very intriguing to me. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 10, 2021 5:06:53 GMT
krolle, only when I was AP and venting for emotional regulation purposes. I like to talk, but usually for either problem-solving or information sharing, not for its own sake. But since that's the case, I also outright ask people IRL if they're looking to be listened to or problem solve when they start doing this, as my default is totally problem solving lol, and some people don't want that.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2021 5:35:46 GMT
I like to talk through stressors and no I don't want or need my partner to try to problem solve for me. Talking involves multiple functions... seeking support, discharging emotion, thinking out loud, and considering my own solutions. It doesn't need to be emoting vs problem solving, and I also think it's odd to exclude problem solving if it doesn't include seeking advice or external suggestions. I like to come up with solutions myself and ask advice if I need it or need to troubleshoot something.
Talking for hours, though, I cannot do.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 10, 2021 9:51:35 GMT
Yes, as a woman I need this in a relationship expacially when I am stressed by external stressors. It is a way for me to process things and feeling surported by my partner even if he/we havent fixed anything…(10 min)
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Post by krolle on Sept 10, 2021 13:56:07 GMT
Right. Those all make sense. Some very different responses.
I guess the message I'll take from that is individual personality trumps gender when it comes to listening/talking preferences. And asking directly what somebody is looking for in an interaction could be a fruitful tactic.
I probably should have expected that.
Thankyou ladies. The input is much appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2021 21:23:33 GMT
Right. Those all make sense. Some very different responses. I guess the message I'll take from that is individual personality trumps gender when it comes to listening/talking preferences. And asking directly what somebody is looking for in an interaction could be a fruitful tactic. I probably should have expected that. Thankyou ladies. The input is much appreciated. You betcha! Yes, everyone is different but most women I know benefit from talking things out, and solving their own problems, but being able to ask for help and advice if they need it. My girlfriends and I do that all the time- and I notice my clients do this as well. Share about it, even if they feel competent to deal with stressors the general theme is benefitting from empathy, having a laugh or a cry, some kind of discharge of stress energy helps women return to a sense of empowerment and being supported and able to deal in a healthy, productive way. Not every stressor is equal and sometimes a mention is simply that- A mention. Some stressors are a real threat and evoke emotions of stress and the need to confront. Some stressors have no answer but require healing from them nonetheless . So yes. Every person and situation is unique. My partner asks me now, if I want advice or just to be supported. We went round about this a bit until we understood each other. He loves me and feels protective and wants to help even though he sees me as quite capable of handling situations. So the communication around all this is another step toward healthy relating. In fact, I have shared anne12 's posts with him at times and we both benefit! |
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Post by krolle on Sept 11, 2021 0:39:47 GMT
Right, I get you. And glad you have that dialog with your partner. I think the emotional and empathetic parts are what I was mostly trying to understand.
I think this is true for most men, if not all. But if I'm talking to a guy friend about a problem, I'm not looking to really be empathized with or include any emotional component. I want advice, to brainstorm to help solve it. It's what he would expect from me and I from him. Unless it's of course something overwhelmingly emotional, like the death of a loved one. But him giving advice, even unsolicited, is never taken negatively by me. There's no assumption I cannot solve my own problem. Just an appreciation he's trying to help.
I have found I get into problems sometimes by expecting the same from my partners. "Oh, you have this problem at work your wanting to talk to me about. Well how can we solve this?"
.."Oh, so you don't want advice, or to work out a solution... you just want to talk about it? hmmm...errm... sure yeah that's fine. We can do that.
..kinda thing
I guess it's the talk for the sake of talk that's sometimes confusing to me. And easily interpreted as one party being condescending when that is rarely the intention.
I think as you guys have suggested, asking what the person needs directly likely helps navigate these pitfalls whether they be personality or gender related.
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