One of the classic examples is that a woman needs to talk a lot, be listened to and be allowed to talk about her hard day without the man disturbing her with practical suggestions on how she can solve the various issues. If she is given space to talk and be listened to, her oxytocin increases, which helps to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone). You probably know yourself the feeling of how wonderful it is to sit and talk to your girlfriends for hours, because this is where your oxytocin and estrogens rise, and thus your stress hormones are lowered. (As a man give your woman 10 min each day to just talk)
However, this is not how it works for men. Men reduce stress by doing something that causes his testosterone to rise, which is why the typical "cave time" such as watching football, playing playstation, running, having sex, drinking beer with friends, etc. can cause his testosterone to increase and decrease his stress.
Alpha males: What is an alpha male ? - its not what you think...
The myth of the alpha male The interesting thing is that the chimpanzee alpha male is not the selfish tyrant that many believe. It is a myth that the alpha male puts down everyone else for his own gain. In fact, the alpha male is the most empathetic of all the males. He is even more caring than the females! This is an important point: The alpha male is the most caring in the whole herd! But it makes good sense if you think about it. Because who do you want to be led by? What type do you listen to, respect and give decision-making competence? It is not an aggressive and dominant macho type. He quickly becomes unpopular, even though he takes up space, says his opinion and is quick to make decisions. If you think of great leaders, presidents, statesmen, Viking kings, Native American chiefs, etc., are these so intimidating macho men who put others down with fear, and think only of their own gain? No. There is a huge difference between an alpha male and a macho man.
The properties of the alpha male can be understood from his hormones, especially testosterone, cortisol and oxytocin:
Testosterone: Many of the alpha male's traits are related to testosterone. Do you have a lot of testosterone in your body, are you risk-averse, aggressive, have a high sex drive, are a competitive person, make quick decisions, etc. But it takes more than testosterone to be a leader.
Cortisol: It's stressful to be an alpha male because a lot of responsibility comes with it and other males try to take your place. But if you are easily stressed, you do not function as a leader, because a leader must maintain calm and a cool overview. In addition to a high level of testosterone, the alpha male is characterized by low levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Therefore, the alpha male has a calmer appearance than the macho man, who is busy signaling power and control.
Oxytocin: Oxytocin is important for the ability to read faces, show empathy, bond and deal with fear. All important characteristics of the alpha male. In fact, the smallest chimpanzee can become an alpha male if he is well-liked, good at bonding and forming alliances with other chimpanzees. So it's not just about being big and strong, but about creating good relationships and being well-liked in the herd. It is well known that testosterone levels in men increase when they win in competitions and sports. Whereas it falls in the losers. Therefore, a hunter gets a testosterone boost once he has put down his prey. But now a study by a hunting community in South America shows that in addition to a testosterone boost, the successful hunter also gets a boost of oxytocin, which makes him generous, cooperative and confident. Testosterone makes the hunter strong, energetic and risk-taking. But what good is it to bring a big deer home to the village if you are not able to share. Therefore, it makes sense that nature has taken care to balance a high testosterone level with oxytocin.
The truth about the alpha male If you want to be an alpha male, you must be strong, risk-taking and dominant (testosterone). But you also need to be calm and maintain an overview (low level of cortisol). And you have to be generous, empathetic and cooperative (oxytocin). A true alpha male thus has both masculine and feminine qualities. He is a complete man in masculine wrapping.
The alpha male is not the bully in the schoolyard, but the yard guard who ensures that no one teases the little ones. The same is observed in the animal world.
Frans de Waal is a chimpanzee researcher, and helped invent the concept of alpha male. In this video he tells i.a. second that the alpha male is twice as empathetic as the beta males.
In this fascinating look at the "alpha male," primatologist Frans de Waal explores the privileges and costs of power while drawing surprising parallels between how humans and primates choose their leaders. His research reveals some of the unexpected capacities of alpha males -- generosity, empathy, even peacekeeping -- and sheds light on the power struggles of human politicians. "Someone who is big and strong and intimidates and insults everyone is not necessarily an alpha male," de Waal says.
Jung's psychology: Anima and what the man is looking for in his relationship
Which woman are you looking for? What are you looking for in your woman? Should she be a mother to you? Or should she primarily be attractive and sexy? Or do you want a supportive wife and mother for your children?
The type of woman you are looking for as a partner depends, among other things. along with what Jung called the man's anima.
If you are born as a boy, you will at some point discover that you look more like your father than your mother. Your father (or other important men in your life) naturally becomes your role model, allowing you to develop your masculine sides. On the other hand, your feminine qualities are to some extent repressed or underdeveloped, in the same way that girls primarily develop their feminine sides, and displace some of their masculine qualities.
The repressed feminine in the man's subconscious Jung called the anima or the anima complex, while the repressed masculine in the woman is called the animus or the animus complex.
According to Jung (and many others), our innermost nature is neither masculine nor feminine. Therefore, an important part of our personal development is to include the characteristics of the opposite sex in our personality. Ie. a man must recognize his feminine sides and integrate them into his personality. In the same way, a woman must integrate the unconscious masculine into her personality.
The goal is not for either man or woman to lose their masculinity respectively. femininity and becoming asexual, but that both man and woman let the characteristics of the opposite sex have their natural place in the personality
5 stages in the development of men's anima complex As said, the development of the man's anima complex is reflected in the woman he seeks.
There are 5 stages in the development of the man's anima and what he seeks in his woman:
The woman as mother The woman as a sex object The woman as wife The woman as a godess The woman as equal
1.The woman as mother In the 1st stage of development, the man's anima is closely connected with the maternal, ie. the female is primarily perceived as life-giving, caring, nurturing and loving. A man who has not yet integrated the maternal qualities of the feminine into his personality finds it difficult to nurture and care for himself. Therefore, he is attracted (consciously or unconsciously) to caring women who can be “a mother” to him. Because he cannot fend for himself, he easily becomes dependent on the woman who gives him care. He becomes the mother's boy in an adult body. Such a man typically has a weak or repressed sexuality, and he is often impotent
2.The woman as a sex object In the 2nd stage of development, the man has integrated the mother energy into his personality. He is no longer looking for a mother, but a woman he can have sex with. Therefore, the ideal woman is the playboy model, who is physically attractive, flirtatious and sexually accessible. A man who is looking for a sex object is typically very sexually active. His relationship is often short-lived because he leaves the woman if there is not enough sex and eroticism in the relationship. He is the typical don juan who is always on the hunt for the next conquest.
3.The woman as wife In the 3rd stage of development of the anima complex, man can distinguish desire from love. Sex is no longer the primary driving force for the man, although sex has an important place in his relationship. The woman he is looking for should be neither his mother nor a pinup model. She must first and foremost be a good loyal wife and mother to their children. The man at this level is self-sufficient. Therefore, he accepts the woman as she is as long as she prioritizes the family. He is faithful and stable, and is therefore able to be in a long lasting relationship.
4.The woman as a guide In the 4th stage of development, the man does not need a woman who can be a mother, sex object or wife. Instead, he is attracted to women who inspire and guide him to greater self-knowledge. The woman becomes a kind of a muse to him. The man at this level needs neither a steady partner nor a family, though he may feel like it. He not only finds love and happiness in the traditional relationship, but is open to alternative forms of cohabitation, open relationships, etc., which means that he does not want to be in a permanent relationship at any cost.
5. The woman as an equal partner At the 5th level in the development of the anima complex, the man rests in himself. He does not cling to his partner, but does not push her away either. He does not need a woman's recognition, support or inspiration, but instead supports her independence and freedom. He authentically expresses his masculine essence, while at the same time integrating his feminine sides. He is open to the woman's views, feelings and different way of looking at the world without feeling threatened or going into power struggles. A relationship at this level has the potential to become something greater than the needs of two egos, namely a source of important life experiences, emotional healing and spiritual insights.
It is worth the effort to grow The level of development you reach in your teens can remain permanent for the rest of your life, or you can develop. Development means that you let go of a part of yourself, to make room for something new. It is not easy, and often feels uncomfortable, but it is worth the effort, because your life becomes richer.
As you move up through the 5 levels, you discover yourself on deeper levels, which also means that your relationship can enrich you on deeper levels.
David Deida's division of the relationship into 3 levels:
There are some commonalities between Martin Ucik's 5 levels and David Deida's 3 levels of relationships. David Deida calls his 3 levels:
Addiction The modern 50/50 relationship The authentic relationship
Level 1 is the patriarchal relationship where the man decides and the woman adapts. It has some common features with Ucik's 1st and 2nd level, where the man and the woman are dependent on each other The modern 50/50 relationship is the typical modern relationship where man and woman share all tasks, which has many common features with the 3rd level. Finally, Deida's 3rd level corresponds to Ucikś highest levels, where a man and a woman express their innermost essence.
There are many couples where the woman is the active and controlling in the relationship while the man has the passive role. That kind of relationship can develop into a mother-son relationship between a castrated man and a strong woman.
In the mother-son-couple relationship, the normal male-female polarity is gone, which i.a. results in lack of physical attraction, irritation, frustration and resistance to each other
Here are the 3 mistakes:
He does not know his values: He lacks masculine self-esteem He is afraid of the woman's strong feelings
1. He does not know his values. Many men opt out of the fight, because they do not know what they stand for. If you lack self-knowledge, you do not have a fixed point of view in the encounter with the feminine. Therefore, you need to develop your self-esteem and masculine identity in the relationship. Just as it is part of growing up to form an opinion about politics and the structure of society, so you must also develop a relationship identity: Who are you in your relationship? What is important to you? What is a good relationship for you? ect. When girls play with dollhouses, they become wiser about relationships. It helps to give them the foundation on which their relationship identity rests. Many men do not have that foundation and therefore they are behind. As a man, you have to take on the task of growing up in a relationship. Ie. you need to find out what you stand for and take your place in the relationship. Both you and your woman need it.
2. A castrated man have poor self-esteem Many men have low self-esteem when in contact with women. The typical man does not know himself, his strengths and qualities, and therefore he doubts himself when confronted by a self-conscious woman. Deep down, he is afraid of not be good enough, and therefore he pleases the woman to compensate for his insecurity. But the woman do not wnat to be pleased no matter what she expresses. On the contrary. When you please, you are dishonest to yourself and your woman, and it wears out the relationship. First of all, you need to be aware that you are pleasing. Not whether you please (because you do!), but when and how you please. Discover all the times you compromise, adapt and give in. The next time you feel the urge to please, smooth out or suppress your needs to maintain the good mood, stand firm. Feel the discomfort in the body, but do not give in Hold on to yourself and your beliefs, but maintain an open heart, ie. you maintain a loving attitude towards your partner, even if you do not agree. It is not about winning the power struggle, but about you being authentic. Your woman does not actually want to castrate you, but it happens easily if you lack masculine self-esteem ..
3. You are afraid of the woman's feelings. Many men have difficulty dealing with women's emotions (just as many men also have difficulty dealing with their own emotions). When a woman is upset, gets angry, shouts or cries, many men become insecure. It feels as if the woman is a great ocean flooding him. His fear of the feminine hurricane, causes him to withdraw, or try to calm her down by meeting her demands and unspoken expectations. That means he often gives in when there are conflicts. The solution to the problem is, among other things, that you develop your emotional intelligence. As you become more aware of your emotions, learn to express yourself, be vulnerable, etc., then you can better understand and accommodate women's emotions. In addition, develop your courage: Do not withdraw when you encounter her feelings. Do not find an excuse to remove yourself physically, but also avoid becoming absent and disappearing mentally. Instead, stay present and empathetic, even when you feel overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and relax your body.
A lot of men have a hard time finding their masculine standpoint, and therefore they easily become castrated men in the relationship.
Conclusion Gender equality and strong women are a good thing. No doubt about that. But it is not good for anyone if the man (or woman) becomes the weak party in a relationship which should be between two equals. If you as a man feel castrated, then do something about it. It is first and foremost your responsibility - not the woman's responsibility.