Sudden Breakup

you are a savior Alexandra <3

So alexandra and serenity and helsbells and everyone have written amazing things, I was just reading the whole thread.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  

He's been texting you?  Good on you not to respond.  

No, people are not easily interchangeable.  You've had a long relationship - 3 years?  Talking about kids and marriage?  Moving in together?   He may be trying to replace you, or at least distract himself with a new and 'easier' relationship, but once he is unfulfilled - and he will be - he will inevitably be confronted with what he lost/threw away.  I can't see through a crystal ball but in general yeah, I believe that will happen, based on how traumatic and sudden this breakup is and how poorly he acted before it.  

His avoidance meant that he deactivated because you were getting closer and closer, ready for commitment. When an avoidant person deactivates, they unconsciously cause problems and seek out flaws, so they can amass a collection of justifications to devalue your relationship.  My DA/FA seemed to have a live-action word scrambler that would interpret things I said in the worst way possible...he would distort requests and expressions of feelings into violations of his boundaries.  Avoidants can manufacture discord that provokes you into behaving insecurely.   Their game is rigged against you, the person they may actually love.  This happens to securely attached people as well, and if they don't realize what's going on, and they lean AA when stressed, they can slowly become more anxious.

Anyway, once the relationship starts to be seen through shit-colored glasses, which is what the avoidant person is unconsciously working towards, it becomes justifiable to them to seek out a "better" partner. In other words, someone easier to deal with.  It actually has nothing to do with you.

You probably weren't that hard to deal with. Give yourself a break.    First of all, on the VERY off chance their relationship makes it to the depth you guys had, he will deactivate. It's too soon, and regardless, it sounds like a relationship based on sensation seeking and emotional distraction.  It likely will go nowhere.  

You knew this woman?  That's really shitty.  But keep in mind, since they're friends or have been friendly, he's probably had non-threatening, shallow communication with her before, so he may be deluding himself into thinking that she will never have demands for closeness in a relationship like you had.  He may eventually treat this girl the same way he's treated you in an unconscious test to see her response.   The game is rigged against her, too. And everyone else he will ever date, unless he somehow decides to change and works really hard at it.  

I think AA's experience a trauma bond, DAs/FAs experience and/or create a trauma "wall".  By leaving in such a horrible manner, they create an additional obstacle to reaching out should they ever experience legitimate regret - their own shame/guilt.  Sometimes avoidants who do have regrets never reach out because those feelings are intense and scary.

I've had a DA/FA ex with a really, really long on and off relationship.  We broke up again because love isn't enough to make it work, you need to be willing to work hard and tolerate discomfort.  These are separate but essential components of turning a disaster relationship into a successful one.  However, you are still figuring out what the hell just happened to you, and those first questions have to do with "did they love me?  Will they miss me?  Was I replaceable?"  Etc.  I totally get it.  I would grill the shit out of my DA/FA when we would finally reconcile and ask him what the hell he was thinking/feeling when he acted like a jerk and left me.   I would find myself in total amazement of how someone can love someone and devalue them, if not at the same time, then at alternating times with equal intensity.  It's bizarre. You're right, their mechanisms just work differently.

Regardless of what closure you want to have right now, I HIGHLY recommend doing Thais Gibson's school of personal development courses.  Even if he comes back with his tail between his legs and you still want to give it another chance (not assuming that's what you want btw) you will have had to do the work to become more secure in order to give yourself the best chances of succeeding with that....not because it didn't work now because you're not secure.  This is something AA's latch onto and blame themselves for - they think if they'd been more secure that somehow they could have given their avoidant partner more security by osmosis or something.  No....if you ever do want to have an amazing relationship - whether it's with an ex who comes back or NOT - you have to be secure, in touch with your needs and boundaries.  Like serenity said, the fact that you chose THIS dude to fall in love with is a call to attention - you likely had to endure neglect, a lack of loving behavior, inconsistency, etc., in childhood.  

You're in your thirties and want babies, like me.  Please know that deep down this was a blessing.  You will have SUCH an advantage as a parent when you're on the other side of this, when you understand how to prevent formation of insecure attachment styles.  

In summary...
it wasn't your fault, and the best step forward is to do the work to become more secure regardless of what outcome you wish for right at this moment.  He probably will miss you and feel badly later, but that doesn't indicate that he'd be worthy of a relationship with you.  

I have some questions for you: who are these friends giving you this information?  Are they disgusted with his behavior or neutral?  How do they know this and why are they telling you?
Also, what was the honeymoon stage of your relationship like, what were the strengths of the relationship?   I ask because I've been through traumatic breakups before where I realized weeks/months after the breakup that I totally was not actually in love with the person, and in retrospect I could identify those root feelings even in the "honeymoon" period.  

I would like to tell you my experience when dating a dismissive avoidant so you know what to

expect/can compare to your situation.

We’ve been dating for 6 months. We’ve decided to move I together and, on the day, when he

supposed to move in, he broke up with me in the morning over a text message. He said he want’s to

be alone. It completely broke my heart. I could sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was begging him to come back.

He didn’t care and was extremely cold. After a month I gave up and deleted him everywhere. He

came back the next day saying how much he regrets his decision. His dad died 4 months prior to this

so I blamed it on that and took him back. He moved in with me the very next week. He was really

trying by helping with the housework etc but there was always something missing I just couldn’t put

my finger on it. Fast forward 7 months.. He was talking about moving to another town, buying a dog

and a house together. We were saving money for it so we could move asap. He broke up with me 2

weeks before Christmas after I questioned why he doesn’t want to spend time with me or do

anything with me. He replied that he is doing the bare minimum because he knows that he shouldn’t

be in a relationship and he wants to be alone. When I’ve said that relationships take work, he replied

that he can’t be bothered to work on a relationship. This is 3 months before the day we supposed to

move (!)

I’ve discovered the attachments styles after he broke up with me for the second time and now, I

understand what was missing. INTIMACY. After his dad died there was no emotions, no sadness. It

kicked in 4 months later. His stepmother kicked him out and just left his stuff in the back garden.

Again, no emotions, no sadness. He never talked about his previous relationships. He said once that

he was seeing a girl for a year, but it never felt serious to him (!). He was up for one night stands

with no connections. He didn’t feel empathy. I would have to ask, ‘feel sorry for me’. I ended up

really depressed going through some problems with my job and my family. He said, there is always

something with me, my job or my family and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where

everything is so negative – I had a month of troubles but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a little

bit of support. He didn’t have contact with any of his family members (mother, brother, sister). He

had zero family values und understanding that families sometimes upset each other.

When he felt insecure, I would reassure him, but it never worked the other way round. He would

refuse to reassure me or just say ‘ I don’t know what to say’. Sex was very mechanical (very porn

like). There was no connection or intimacy. No bed talking. No foreplay (I’ve had foreplay twice in

nearly 1,5 year together even when I’ve asked for it). He would message me during the day saying

that he misses me and can’t wait to see me but then he would prefer to watch videos on youtube or

play games than to spend time with me when I came back home. He was addicted to video games

and podcasts (anything really to distract himself from feeling). He would often check out physically

and mentally from the relationship by playing video games (60+ hours a month. He had 5 consoles).

Any request to spend time with me was treated as a personal attack. He would make comments like

‘I wouldn’t mind if you had your boobs done. Or ‘Ooo, sad boobie’ when I bent over. He would talk

about the perfect bodies in video games ‘You know, the perfect body with slim waste and big

boobs’. This all led me to some serious paranoia and insecurity. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I

became jealous of the video games. He had his perfect girlfriends there and I was just, as he said

‘average’. He would never initiate sex. Even when I’ve asked for it. If I didn’t initiate it, we just

wouldn’t have sex at all. We went on a little romantic trip and he left me alone with a bottle of wine

saying that he is tired just to go upstairs and play video games on a console that he brought with him

(!). We would go places and do things but only if I’ve said so. He didn’t have the need to ask me out

on a date or to do anything with me. I really started kicking off over the games but at the time I

didn’t know why it made me so angry. When I said I don’t want him to play games where he is



having sex with someone (those games are very graphic) he said he is sacrificing for me by checking

what is in a game before buying it. 90% of our arguments was because of video games. Now I know

it wasn’t about the games but about how he made me feel about myself. I was never ever feeling

secure when I was with him. After an argument he would give me the silent treatment, refuse to

cuddle, and just go to look for a room to rent, then come back in the afternoon. I ended up

apologising for feeling insecure (!). He always had one foot out the door no matter what

commitments we’ve discussed previously (and no matter if it was a month ago or an hour ago). His

feelings would change from I love you so much to I’m moving out because I want to be alone in a

matter of seconds. He would never put up a fight for me (or anything in his life really). I never felt

like I’m on the first place. This relationship left me extremely broken, with low self esteem and just

confused. I became needy, jealous and obsessive. I still love him but I honestly wish I’ve never met

him. Oh, and let’s not forget after that 4 weeks after he broke up with me he went on Tinder (!) like

I’ve never existed.

I’ve taken a break from the board recently, but I’m back and I feel I need to say the same things as before. This dance doesn’t happen on its own. There are two people in it. It’s not victim blaming, it’s an acknowledgment that two unaware insecurely attached people together is a recipe for trouble. It’s all good to point fingers at the avoidant, but just as important is the AP behaviour talked about here. That surely has to be where true growth starts.

I know you've been through an absolutely horrible situation, but I agree with mrob on this. In fact, the only way for me to truly heal my AP and earn secure (and so stop moving on from bad relationship to new bad relationship) was by coming to terms with the fact that AP are just as emotionally unavailable as avoidants (and therefore often choose partners incapable of meeting their needs). It's the opposite sides of the same coin, and the injuries are from trauma and part of the same mechanism... but the defensive patterns manifest differently. While avoidants fight a fear of engulfment that uses distance as a go to protection mechanism, anxious fear abandonment and end up having needs that can never be met over time because they can't trust and regulate themselves (which is necessary for the needs to be met, not because the needs themselves are unreasonable). Over time, this erodes relationships too because it's the same problem: unhealthy boundaries in one direction or another. Anxious and avoidant partners choose each other, and choosing to stay with partners who can't connect and communicate properly, staying with someone unavailable due to that lack of healthy boundaries (and likely replicating an earlier relationship where the AP child needed to stay attached to an inconsistent adult no matter how the child was treated) is the equal contribution of the anxious partner to a toxic dynamic.

It's really difficult to recognize this, and an interesting place to observe it is in the intense attraction an AP or anxious-leaning FA feels when there is longing -- longing which doesn't exist with healthier and more consistent partners so the anxious person in that situation often feels ambivalent about someone more secure and so is less drawn to them.

You can and should be angry in your situation, though I'm pretty sure your ex has problems comorbid with attachment and it's avoidance layered with other issues too. You were treated really unfairly. But once that anger dissipates, I hope you can consider how AP are unavailable saboteurs in their own way, as that's the fastest path to not repeating past patterns and moving on to healthier and happier relationships rather than placing most of the blame on the avoidant. It's a painful truth, but it's also an important one to gain a healthier perspective on relationships.