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Post by theoracle on Jan 19, 2021 14:33:17 GMT
Hi everyone, I am very happy that I found a place where I can share my story with people who went trough similar experiences and who can provide some insight. I'll try to keep it short. I recently broke up with my DA boyfriend of three years - he ended it with me when I came back from a business trip. The experience was very shocking because we had moved in together a week before and he just seemed like a different person, completely detached but at the same time extremely sad (the sadness felt more like guilt than anything else). I wanted to cry, beg and plead but to my very surprise I didn't, I was very calm and gentle (hell I event felt like I was comforting him instead of the other way around) and he explained he felt trapped and he wasn't happy and he was very determined to leave and he wasn't sure what exactly happened but he feels like our most recent fight broke something inside of him (the fight was when I expressed my insecurities after not hearing from him and he accused me of being annoying because of it). A few days later I find out that while I was on a business trip he had cheated on me with a woman from our friend group and that he is in a relationship with her now. You can imagine how incredibly painful all of this was, I was not only left but also replaced with someone I knew. Now, when this all started, the red flags were there, selfishness, constant teasing, he had periods when he pulled back and stopped responding and he said he just does it sometimes, loads and loads of partying and some substance abuse etc. Of course I ignored it all and for this I am completely to blame and I am in the process of discovering why. Anyway despite all this he seemed very keen on wanting to make it work with me and I always felt like he was trying to do the right thing even though it was very mechanical. Serious problems started arising after a year of being together. I was just in a bad period in my life, I had some health issues, the lockdown had begun and I was spending a lot of time alone and isolated and I just wasn't my strong self anymore. I needed emotional support and I needed love after being deprived for so long. And at one point I just broke down, it was an emotional breakdown and I just couldn't stop crying for days and you can imagine the reaction of my DA, shock and trauma. I am very sorry I had put him trough that experience, but I, as a human being couldn't do better at the time. And as much as he was feeling trapped in the relationship with me, I was feeling stuck with him. I was suppressing my needs of having a family and children for so long (because he would ignore the topic whenever I would bring it up) that this became an incredible frustration. So I decided to speak to him about this openly and gently which I did. I said that I as a woman have a very strong biological need for children, for home, for family. That we are in or thirties and that serious relationship should lead to this if both parties want it. Long story shorty he agreed on having kids with me and we were supposed to start working on it about a year after we moved in together (that was the rough timeline because it would give us enough time to experience living together etc). This is probably one other reason he ran away. After this emotional incident I noticed him flirting with other women, obviously and in front of me. He started partying more and was exchanging flirty texts with others. This definitely drove me to become anxious. I became a person I didn't like at all, and I am very ashamed of that. I became insecure, untrusting and just sad in general. Our fights became more frequent usually ending with me crying and trying to make things better. I definitely did exhibit anxious behaviors like purposely being cold (to see if he would even notice - he didn't). In the end he cheated on me with he woman he flirted on the most with who was also very aggressive in trying to seduce him. I did try to break up a couple of times after realizing things won't get better and it of course resulted in him becoming anxious, completely transforming and suddenly all of the problems were gone and I had no reasons to leave. I also think one of the reasons I didn't leave is because I subconsciously felt this deep loneliness and sadness inside of him. And I just wanted to love him and show him how to love. And I felt his struggles and attempts to fight his own deactivation strategies and I knew that deep down he really wanted to make it work with me. I tried to create intimacy in subtle ways, like we would baby talk to each other (he could be gentle this way), I would encourage him to write down his feelings because that was easier for him, I would do small subtle gestures of love that were less intrusive. So there was love and there was kindness and it wasn't all torture but in the end the whole push pull dynamic definitely got the best of me. I think it's durable in the beginning but in the long run it definitely take an unrealistically strong person to navigate it. So what is my question? www.freetoattach.com/breakupsemology this blogpost was incredibly helpful to me and it says that DA do feel sadness after leaving their long-term partner but not right away. Is this true based on you experience? I guess I'm just still trying to wrap my head around how could a person who was deeply involved in a relationship, promising a future to someone, children, just run away with someone else overnight like nothing has happened. And be happy with that person. Are people so easily interchangeable? Was this new person just a distancing strategy or love? Oh and yes this new person is a completely opposite of me, she is a party woman, does drugs with him and probably is just much more easy and less demanding. It's really hard to move on without any closure so I'm trying to understand someone whose mechanisms work so differently than mine. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 21, 2021 0:03:31 GMT
Hi everyone, I am very happy that I found a place where I can share my story with people who went trough similar experiences and who can provide some insight. I'll try to keep it short. I recently broke up with my DA boyfriend of three years - he ended it with me when I came back from a business trip. The experience was very shocking because we had moved in together a week before and he just seemed like a different person, completely detached but at the same time extremely sad (the sadness felt more like guilt than anything else). I wanted to cry, beg and plead but to my very surprise I didn't, I was very calm and gentle (hell I event felt like I was comforting him instead of the other way around) and he explained he felt trapped and he wasn't happy and he was very determined to leave and he wasn't sure what exactly happened but he feels like our most recent fight broke something inside of him (the fight was when I expressed my insecurities after not hearing from him and he accused me of being annoying because of it). A few days later I find out that while I was on a business trip he had cheated on me with a woman from our friend group and that he is in a relationship with her now. You can imagine how incredibly painful all of this was, I was not only left but also replaced with someone I knew. Now, when this all started, the red flags were there, selfishness, constant teasing, he had periods when he pulled back and stopped responding and he said he just does it sometimes, loads and loads of partying and some substance abuse etc. Of course I ignored it all and for this I am completely to blame and I am in the process of discovering why. Anyway despite all this he seemed very keen on wanting to make it work with me and I always felt like he was trying to do the right thing even though it was very mechanical. I.e. he was the first to say I love you, the first to mention moving in together, even though instead of saying I love you loudly while looking into my eyes (like I used to do it) he would say it extremely quietly often using other words like "I luv you" or something like that. I didn't have a problem with that, I knew this was how he expressed love even though it was annoying at times. Same with moving in together, he mentioned it after being together for a year (we are in our early thirties) but then never mentioned it after and postponed it for as long as he could (we actually managed to move in together after 3 years because he knew I would walk away if he kept avoiding the move (sadly didn't last long). Serious problems started arising after a year of being together. I was just in a bad period in my life, I had some health issues, the lockdown had begun and I was spending a lot of time alone and isolated and I just wasn't my strong self anymore. I needed emotional support and I needed love after being deprived for so long. And at one point I just broke down, it was an emotional breakdown and I just couldn't stop crying for days and you can imagine the reaction of my DA, shock and trauma. I am very sorry I had put him trough that experience, but I, as a human being couldn't do better at the time. And as much as he was feeling trapped in the relationship with me, I was feeling stuck with him. I was suppressing my needs of having a family and children for so long (because he would ignore the topic whenever I would bring it up) that this became an incredible frustration. So I decided to speak to him about this openly and gently which I did. I said that I as a woman have a very strong biological need for children, for home, for family. That we are in or thirties and that serious relationship should lead to this if both parties want it. Long story shorty he agreed on having kids with me and we were supposed to start working on it about a year after we moved in together (that was the rough timeline because it would give us enough time to experience living together etc). This is probably one other reason he ran away. After this emotional incident I noticed him flirting with other women, obviously and in front of me. He started partying more and was exchanging flirty texts with others. This definitely drove me to become anxious. I became a person I didn't like at all, and I am very ashamed of that. I became insecure, untrusting and just sad in general. Our fights became more frequent usually ending with me crying and trying to make things better. I definitely did exhibit anxious behaviors like purposely being cold (to see if he would even notice - he didn't). In the end he cheated on me with he woman he flirted on the most with who was also very aggressive in trying to seduce him. I did try to break up a couple of times after realizing things won't get better and it of course resulted in him becoming anxious, completely transforming and suddenly all of the problems were gone and I had no reasons to leave. I also think one of the reasons I didn't leave is because I subconsciously felt this deep loneliness and sadness inside of him. And I just wanted to love him and show him how to love. And I felt his struggles and attempts to fight his own deactivation strategies and I knew that deep down he really wanted to make it work with me. I tried to create intimacy in subtle ways, like we would baby talk to each other (he could be gentle this way), I would encourage him to write down his feelings because that was easier for him, I would do small subtle gestures of love that were less intrusive. So there was love and there was kindness and it wasn't all torture but in the end the whole push pull dynamic definitely got the best of me. I think it's durable in the beginning but in the long run it definitely take an unrealistically strong person to navigate it. So what is my question? www.freetoattach.com/breakupsemology this blogpost was incredibly helpful to me and it says that DA do feel sadness after leaving their long-term partner but not right away. Is this true based on you experience? I guess I'm just still trying to wrap my head around how could a person who was deeply involved in a relationship, promising a future to someone, children, just run away with someone else overnight like nothing has happened. And be happy with that person. Are people so easily interchangeable? Was this new person just a distancing strategy or love? Oh and yes this new person is a completely opposite of me, she is a party woman, does drugs with him and probably is just much more easy and less demanding. It's really hard to move on without any closure so I'm trying to understand someone whose mechanisms work so differently than mine. First of all I just want to send you a big hug for all that you are going through. My heart hurts for you as i have been through almost what you are describing hear. I would recommend you read through alot of threads in the Da and also fa forums. What becomes clear is how similar your story is to so many that have stumbled across this forum looking for some answers as to what the hell you/we have been through and experienced. It's not a comfortable read but can really see a pattern and probably relate to a lot of what you will read. I wrote a lot of what I went through in the fa section but what you experienced with you ex is very very similar to what I went through. alexandra shares alot of comforting words to those that arrive at this site so broken and confused so definitely worth reading her comments, they were a great source of comfort to me. May I ask how you are feeling now and recommend you keep close to this site as you really will get alot of support and comfort from others on hear. Love and hugs x |
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Post by theoracle on Jan 21, 2021 1:52:30 GMT
Thanks Helsbells for your support it means a lot. I am doing a little better after discovering the science behind his behavior. While I was in the relationship with him I always thought things would get better in time but now that I know that they most likely wouldn't, or they would but very very slowly and with a lot of sacrifice I feel more at ease. Life is too short not to feel loved. Occasionally, when I see photos of the two of them, the pain comes back but I hope this too will go away at some point. I'll know that I'm finally free the day I start feeling indifferent. I read trough this forum and the most common comment DAs have is that APs need to be responsible for their own happiness. And I can't help but notice that this statemen itself feels a little bit avoidant. While I agree that people shouldn't expect others to fill whatever is missing in their lives I also believe that having emotional needs is normal and ok. What is not ok is using manipulative techniques to get these needs met. It's a mother's job to love a child unconditionally without asking anything in return, not partner's. I guess that no matter how much love, patience and space you give to someone, you can only connect to them as deeply as they are connected with themselves. Helsbells - how long has it been since your breakup and how are you doing now? Was there also a third person involved? |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 22, 2021 0:06:52 GMT
theoracle, I'm sorry this happened. The whiplash that comes with a big commitment step then being reversed without communication can be the biggest mindf*ck. Many of us have been there, though when it's happened to me it was either whiplash or being immediately replaced, not both at once. So be kind to yourself because that's a lot for your emotions to catch up to. Your ex sounds FA not DA to me, so if you're trying to make more sense of what happened, I'd start there. The FA-AP dynamics tend to fall out in some variation that matches how your relationship progressed. But there's a couple things to keep in mind that may help. First, you two are unfortunately not in the same life stage and don't want the same things right now. That doesn't mean the feelings weren't strong or real, but it is going to create a lack of compatibility that love alone won't be able to overcome even paired with an insecure dynamic. That's not anyone's fault, it just is, and it takes some life experience to recognize how much of an issue it really is when you have long-term family planning aspirations. APs struggle with dating potential instead of what's in front of them (I did this with avoidant after avoidant for years), and it's just a recipe for suppressing your own needs, hoping something will change, and feeling either stuck and/or low lows and unhappy and/or resentful. And a partner with an insecure attachment style as well won't know how to properly handle it either and won't feel much better. Second, communication and connection to needs and self is an enormous challenge for all insecure attachment styles, that requires some difficult but necessary work to overcome to have a healthy romantic relationship with anyone. What I've found in blind side situations like this are a few explanations. I had a long term FA ex ask me to get back together after months of us trying to work through things (and I was desperate to get back together), whisk me away on a nice trip for my birthday, and dump me when we got back. This was over less than a month, talk about whiplash! When I asked why he'd put me through that if he had doubts (which he didn't seem to in actions until the whiplash), he said he wanted to feel a certain way about me that he wasn't feeling and thought if he went through the motions and put in the effort even to be over the top, his feelings would follow. What this means is, he's disconnected from himself. He doesn't understand his feelings, his needs, or how to communicate them, and chose to handle them in an immature way that hurt us both. He also thinks there's a way he "should" feel, which is another issue insecure attachment style folks have... especially anxious-leaning... confusing longing with love and lack of longing with something's wrong. What he did wasn't on purpose to hurt me, but FAs can have a weak sense of identity due to the disconnection from self. They don't trust self or trust others, and they fear both abandonment and engulfment. So, come here, go away, and forth. Third, this can also manifest as fawning / people-pleasing. Which can also become but you said and acted like X, then surprised me with Y. They think people-pleasing will make the other person not get angry at them, so it's a way to avoid conflict. But then in avoiding it, it never gets resolved. So that's another way in which you may not know how bad the partner is feeling, because it's not being communicated. And it's codependent to expect you can read someone's mind (or if someone expects you to do so). Ultimately, whether or not the person was malicious, they've shown you they have bad communication and bad judgement, and it's not someone you can trust. So even if the love is there, it's not a healthy or sustaining partnership no matter what you do. If they address their own issues one day, maybe they can be a healthy partner to someone eventually -- also, maybe not. It's not on you to wait, to waste your own time, to fix them, or to date potential. It hurts that this stuff doesn't work out, and it hurts even more when the partner has been so disrespectful to you. Having an insecure attachment style doesn't mean someone has bad character. But if they are overwhelmingly selfish or malicious, that's in addition to their attachment style, and it's a bad combination. I once dated a DA who I suspect is a covert narcissist, and he told me stories of all the horrible ways he broke up with people. In my experience, when a DA has been done, they've been done. An FA may or may not really be done and may cycle back, restarting a relationship that will fail over and over again for the same reasons unless they make a serious and long effort to change and earn secure on their own side of things. But this DA sabotaged and blew up his bridges: he'd plan for his partners to catch him cheating. I don't know why he told me this, but I'm grateful he did so I could get myself out of there. I was AP at the time and did not make great choices in that situation, but he was trying not to screw me solely because we were in the same circles, so that turned out to be fortunate since we didn't end up getting things fully of the ground because he was trying to behave himself. If it's not malicious in intent, I could also see someone blowing things up on their way out of a relationship or friendship because they have boundaries that are so weak and communication that's so bad that the only way they can "stand up for themselves" and leave a situation they're not truly happy in is to make the other person leave them. The common thread here is, none of those things are your fault. Sticking around and accepting bad treatment and having bad communication / boundaries of your own is something to take responsibility for, which it sounds like you already have. But it's a bad compatibility match, and he may also be a lousy person if he handles his need for validation (a typical FA and AP pattern is to look for external validation to feel better about their low self esteem) by turning to other women. It would have been way better for him not to move in with you, but what's done is done. Take the time to mourn and move on, because he isn't worth your effort. Focusing on your own security after you've taken time to process and be sad about this relationship is the best way for you to find something better in the future.
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Post by theoracle on Jan 22, 2021 1:55:42 GMT
Thank you for this very insightful post alexandra . I was looking forward to hearing your opinion =) It's interesting you think he was an FA, what makes you think that? Why I figured he was a DA is because he had a high opinion of himself and kept finding faults with me. He was also pretty consistent in not being loving or caring (except when it came to physical contact) and not talking about emotions of any kind, his or other people's, romantic or non romantic. He was pretty good at regulating emotions and was never jealous or anything like that, very composed overall. Maybe because he is Australian XD. The only time he would exhibit anxiety, is when I was ready to leave or when I would cry, then he would transform completely. I'm not sure if DAs do this too. But now that I think about it you might be right. I figured FAs are a little bit more all over the place when it comes to emotions, warm and loving at times and distant otherwise. And they are able to connect with their partners, at least sometimes? I knew we weren't in the same life stage and I wanted to leave but he kept insisting we were and we should move in together. So on a conscious level he maybe wanted to be in this phase but as things became more and more real the fear kicked in. Like you said - they are not in touch with heir feelings. There is not too much you can do when a person refuses to talk about literally anything and when you do manage to get something out of them they give you what you want at the time just to avoid conflict but never follow trough and then you end up being the abuser who forced them to do something they never wanted and they run away. ah... What you wrote about your FAs and what one of them put you trough for your birthday - I'm surprised that a rational and intelligent human being (even if not in touch with their feelings) can come to an idea like that, I'm just baffled. Talk about immaturity. And narcissists, I mean there is no winning there, you are lucky if you get out alive. So all in all alexandra you are a very strong person to have pulled trough all this and yet you found compassion and understanding along the way. Have you found a safe partner and have you become safely attached yourself? Do you still struggle with anxious tendencies and if you do is it just about learning how to regulate them, how to self soothe? What keeps me going is the thought that if I will have children one day I'll make sure they have a loving and caring father. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 22, 2021 4:00:47 GMT
DAs don't tend to get anxious when you discuss leaving because they don't have a fear of abandonment. They are more likely to shut down in distrust and resignation. So that leads me to believe he's either an FA that had primarily swung avoidant once you got anxious or he's a DA NPD, but there was too much in your description that was similar to what I'd experienced with extremely unaware and somewhat selfish / immature FAs. It doesn't sound like he lacks empathy from your description, though if you think about it more do you feel like he does? That would signal NPD. I haven't had any NPD boyfriends but I have had a lot of non-dating experience with them, and your description wasn't quite setting off NPD alarm bells for me.
The high self confidence is a little bit misleading. All insecure attachment styles actually have issues with self-confidence and self-acceptance, but AP and FA seek external validation to try to balance themselves emotionally. DA don't because DA distrust others so external validation doesn't give them what they're missing from previous neglect to feel whole. FA don't trust others, but they also don't trust themselves and so fear abandonment and will want more reassurance. Your ex seeking validation from flirting with other women (and later cheating with one who made him feel better) suggests insecurity to me, unless he's NPD in which case he all out wants constant narcissistic supply.
I'm also assuming that you had a period of connection at the beginning of the relationship, and he wasn't always putting you down past the honeymoon period. It sounded more like that started a year in? But I've been in relationships with FAs where I got constantly nitpicked once we settled into the relationship after several happier (but not red flag free) months together and they'd swung primarily DA. Yes, that's a distancing mechanism, and often I felt they were projecting their own issues with themselves and transferring them to me.
Someone saying they're in your life stage but dragging their feet to that extent means their words and actions don't match, which is a huge red flag if you're looking for something serious. Even if he was saying the right things, his lack of enthusiasm and follow through speaks louder in that situation. That took me a long time to learn. Give someone time to get to know you, of course, but if things aren't consistently moving forward then you probably do want different things, or at least aren't on the same schedule.
Yes, I took my heartbreak and did a ton of work, reading, analysis, and eventually earned secure. And I have a wonderful boyfriend I've been with for over 6 months, who is secure. Everything's very easy and we want the same things and talk openly about it. But it took me becoming more secure to be able to recognize and seek out good partners, so I advocate that approach.
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Post by serenity on Jan 22, 2021 16:23:49 GMT
Sending hugs and love theoracle . I'm so sorry for your pain and loss; its a big shock to go through a breakup like this; many of us have been through something similar and found so much solace and understanding within this community. I'm hoping you will find some comfort and closure here too. I think the natural reaction to a breakup like this is to look for hope, and things to change about ourselves that may lead to reconciliation. If only we had been less anxious. Fought less for what we need. Said things differently. Been "more secure". Although there is some benefit in accomplishing all these things for our sake, its important to remember that healthy relationships do not put you in a state of desperation for love, fear, and anxiety. And good men do not move in with you and then swiftly abandon you for another woman, especially not during a vulnerable time in your life. You were likely caught in the common trap of falling for someone who was consistently loving during the honeymoon period, then became inconsistent. You became psychologically and physiologically trapped by the intermittent reinforcement that came later. You gradually forfeited your own boundaries for scraps of love.... and those scraps become front and center to your being, almost a source of euphoria. If you haven't already, google what you can about "intermittent reinforcement relationships" and it will help you understand how powerful and painful a trap you've endured. I can imagine how very much you loved this man after three years. The love may stay with you, it often does. You don't need to let that go right now, but you do need to let go of the relationship. He simply didn't have the skills or disposition to make it work. And because of that, he created a situation that was unreliable, harmful (intermittent reinforcement caused you harm) and ultimately heart breaking for you. Wishing you the best on your path of healing. Theres a lot of good people here who will help you every step of the way. Be good to yourself <3 |
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Post by theoracle on Jan 23, 2021 16:27:51 GMT
alexandra, I took some time to think about this and I read tons of topics from this forum and I believe you are right, it definitely was FA behavior, slightly DA leaning. He did have empathy towards me, but again this empathy was only triggered when I would exhibit strong distress, not when I would express how I felt calmly. It was as if he wasn't able to react to words. Which is probably why I then, like a dog that gets a treat when it does a trick, started repeating the situation which would cause him to show some kind of an emotional reaction. serenity - yes you described the process perfectly. At one point you just start feeling so emotionally drained, weak and hyper sensitive and you have no idea what happened. You don't recognize yourself anymore and you don't like what is happening and yet getting out is so very hard. Even when you do find the strength the partner does a 180 and it's just utterly confusing. What I am interested in is what you have done to heal except for therapy, which I started. Are there any good books that you recommend on anxious attachment? How to self soothe? How to actually start loving yourself and build your self confidence and inner strength which is completely crushed right now. You have no idea how much solace you give to people that come here completely confused and devastated looking for answers. I am so very thankful.
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Post by theoracle on Jan 23, 2021 22:35:16 GMT
also some sources suggest that in avoidant - anxious dance, both sides form a trauma bond. Is this accurate or is it just the AP side that forms a trauma bond
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Post by serenity on Jan 23, 2021 23:25:12 GMT
alexandra , I took some time to think about this and I read tons of topics from this forum and I believe you are right, it definitely was FA behavior, slightly DA leaning. He did have empathy towards me, but again this empathy was only triggered when I would exhibit strong distress, not when I would express how I felt calmly. It was as if he wasn't able to react to words. Which is probably why I then, like a dog that gets a treat when it does a trick, started repeating the situation which would cause him to show some kind of an emotional reaction. serenity - yes you described the process perfectly. At one point you just start feeling so emotionally drained, weak and hyper sensitive and you have no idea what happened. You don't recognize yourself anymore and you don't like what is happening and yet getting out is so very hard. Even when you do find the strength the partner does a 180 and it's just utterly confusing. What I am interested in is what you have done to heal except for therapy, which I started. Are there any good books that you recommend on anxious attachment? How to self soothe? How to actually start loving yourself and build your self confidence and inner strength which is completely crushed right now. You have no idea how much solace you give to people that come here completely confused and devastated looking for answers. I am so very thankful. Hugs theoracle, I can honestly say I've never found anything as emotionally difficult as getting over a relationship where there had been extended periods of intermittent reinforcement. The initial grief was breath takingly painful for me personally. And it took so long for the sense of deep attachment to break. If I came out it of learning anything, it has been to take this dynamic very, very seriously; To realise trauma bonds (caused by the sudden deactivations, breakups etc) and intermittent reinforcement are dangerous and harmful , and to create very strong boundaries around avoiding both in the future. After everything I've been through, I would swiftly sever contact with any guy who couldn't be consistent, and have dipped my toes in very carefully before forming new attachments. I'm pretty happy with where I'm at romantically atm, but ready to cut ties if there is any withdrawral on my new guy's part. I've noticed that I am attaching in much slower "cooler" way. It feels safer this time. In the initial months after the breakup with my ex, I read what I could find about the effects of intermittent reinforcment from different angles...how it affects brain chemistry, and how it impacts emotional wellbeing, self esteem, trust in others etc. I learned that theres no avoiding the huge mood swings and times of flatlined energy in the first few months. Your brain chemicals and hormones are swinging wildly and take time to stabilise. I think its best not to attach thoughts or relational meaning (ie. I "love and miss" him) to these swings, and just realise its a physical experience. The first month was horrible. The next two were still hard. I muddled around trying to find a way to have no contact with my ex, and I started to heal faster when I finally accomplished that. I found a ton of solice and empowerment watching Thais Gibson's youtube video's. She offers a goldmine of insight and empathy. You do get better, Hun. You can't imagine it now, but you do. And the feeling of attachment does break, especially if you keep taking those baby steps to calm your anxiety and turn your attention and thoughts elsewhere. Helps a lot if you try to fill the social void with good people too. I hope some of this helps a little today. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 24, 2021 8:10:13 GMT
theoracle, there's a thread with advice on working through AP issues here, with additional other relevant threads referenced within the comments: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2917/turn-secure-share-experiences-tipsIn terms of trauma bonding, yes, I'd think both parties experience it. The relationship dynamics are built on both sides, and the person who may be somewhat abusive or providing intermittent reinforcement was still getting something out of the dynamic or wouldn't stay for so long / perhaps cycle back later. I feel like this question is really asking was he attached to me even though he doesn't seem upset now -- the answer is yes. People with insecure attachment styles get stuck processing trauma, which is one reason it can be hard to earn secure without effort. If you avoid your issues, you eventually need to fully process a lifetime worth of stuff, not just the last breakup. AP can typically get stuck in the grief or bargaining stage of mourning and not move to acceptance. Maybe your avoidant ex is stuck even before that, in denial or anger. One of my FA exes told me his feelings about his ex partners never change (which wasn't even true since he switched from we'll never get back together to let's get back together). But if it was true, what that actually meant was he never fully moved in from any of them because he never finished processing the relationship breakups... one reason he ended up with phantom exes and regrets. That's what kept me stuck on some of my avoidant exes for sooooo long when I was AP as well. I also agree with serenity. It will really help for you to cut out contact and any new news or information about your ex. There is a withdrawal component and biological pain that comes with a situation like yours for at least the first several weeks, and keeping him present will give you a "hit" and extend the time of it working its way out of your system.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 24, 2021 9:14:30 GMT
Some tips, exercises ect. A sudden breakup can give you a shock. The breakup corresponds to the fact that you had lost your job, your home or even a close family member. It would be best to be on sick leave for a short period of time, maybe just a week. Unless it serves you better to be at work. Work in such situations can sometimes be the only place where you do NOT think of HIM and therefore is an oasis. Then of course you do not have to call your Work and tell that you are sick. What will be good to do to heal the broken heart? - Be sweet and kind to yourself (speak nicely to yourself also in your thoughts and allow the sadness, pain, anger and other emotions to be there - without them deciding) - Give yourself care = do the things that makes you happy: listen to good music, swim, go out in nature, use your body, etc. - Surround yourself with good friends and talk about something else than him.. Stop exposing yourself to your ex. If possible, remove anything that may remind you of him / her. If these are things you do not want to throw away, keep them away for at least 1 month. Stop finding explanations for the breakup. It's your brain trying to get its usual dopamine kick. Instead of getting the kick out of having contact with your ex, the brain is so smart, that it looks for explanations, like an addict looking for its next fix. Write a list of ALL the NEGATIVE things about your ex that you can think of. The longer the better. Feel free to get friends to help you. Write it on your mobile phone, and then look at it, EVERY time you feel the urge to think about your ex. Especially of course when you are idealizing your ex relationship. Help your nervous system get more into balance again so that you can be present in the precent moment. Do the water tank exercise: Or pay attention to your breathing: Just notice that you are breathing without changing your breath. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly with your mouth open and make a sound in the meantime. Do it 3-5 times. Find out what gaps your ex filled up in your life and make a list of what it was your ex contributed to in your life. For each point, find out how you can fill that gap in your life in a different way than through a boyfriend Allow the grief to be there: It is a loss to lose someone you love, therefore there will be a natural grief. Allow it to be there in the beginning on a daily basis - give it a place where it is ok if you cry (tears are healing) Gratitude will lift your mood and your energy. Just find tiny little things that you can be thankful for. It is not WHAT you are grateful for - but the STATE of gratitude that you feel in your body. The past interferes with the pain in your broken heart now but on top of that, the past also comes into play. Your love story. Your upbringing. If you have previously experienced losses in your life. Again, it's not fair at all that when you are already in pain, your past can catch up with you BIG TIME! jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-before-changing-partnerHow to actually start loving yourself and build your self confidence and inner strength ?jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tipsHow to self soothe? A sudden breakup can give your nerveussystem a shok. Therefore the watertank exercise is a good tool to cope with a shok: You can use the watertank exercise, breathing exercises ect to get into the present moment (practise the watertank exercise twise a Day) jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31863/Finding center when devestated coreawareness.com/finding-center-when-devastated/Breathing exercise: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12832/Coming into secure exercise: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12850/You can give your self a selfhug (Peter Levines selfhug/selfhold) jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13577/You can support yourself by taking care of "little-xxxx" if you can get in touch with her/him inside of you. Where can you feel her/him in the body? Put a hand on the bodypart and say something to her/him like,: "I'm here for you now. I know you felt abandoned at that time, but I'm here for you now little girl/boy". And then give her/him a hug While you are doing the selfhug you can rock yourself like a child/a baby
You can take a shower or bath or footbath using Epson salt - water can be very comforting when we are sad/when we are grieving
A breast massage can also be comforting ect for women. Your breasts sits close to your 💖
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Post by theoracle on Jan 24, 2021 12:35:33 GMT
@alexsandra - I have cut contact right after the breakup and didn't respond to any breadcrumbing messages such as "How are things". I was just so repulsed by his behavior I had nothing to say. There is definitely some kind of attachment on their side but I wasn't sure if it was a trauma bond because I wasn't sure what was causing the trauma for them. Maybe APs threatening to leave. In any event I was so ashamed when I realized I might have caused him trauma that I wanted not to believe it. Because I had done my best. There is a great feeling of shame when confronted with the fact that your behavior is unhealthy too. anne12 - thanks s much for all the links, I will go trough them. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 24, 2021 20:47:15 GMT
theoracle, there is mutual hurtful behavior, but often what's going on in the dynamic is you're both subconsciously looking for a partner who seems familiar so you can "correct" previously hurtful childhood dynamics. Insecure attachment types might seek out someone with an attachment style similar to an adult caretaker in hopes that they can recreate and correct the dynamic. However, what often happens instead is it repeats in the same painful way because you have different needs and are triggering the same previously existing wounds (same inputs in = same results out, unless someone is shifting on the attachment style spectrum). Yes, APs will indulge in protest behavior which can get extreme depending on the person, and that can be hurtful. But at the end of the day, it's more likely (if you weren't being intentionally malicious) that it's an issue with compatibility because you both have prior unaddressed wounding and not that you created trauma for the person. Did I accidentally trigger avoidant partners? You bet. Did I ever try to hurt them on purpose? No, absolutely not. Do I think I aggravated their attachment issues in a way that caused new trauma? Not really. I probably inadvertently put up a mirror to some issues that they were already aware of on some level, but I don't think I created new wounds and increased their existing distrust in others or stunted their own healing process down the line (and I've stayed in touch with a couple as a distant friend, so I've had a long-term view on the fallout). I did apologize to a couple people when I took on more of the blame than I should have (and I always took on disproportionate blame because I was overfunctioning in the relationships), but I do think it was appropriate for me to apologize for some isolated situations when I got triggered extremely anxious and had overreactions (usually during breakups). Sometimes that came out as disrespectful behavior because my boundaries were crappy and so I was pushing theirs inappropriately. Be kind to yourself because self-acceptance is an important part of the security process. Take appropriate responsibility within yourself for what you did that was hurtful or perhaps not the best way to act, but APs also tend to take on all the guilt as they struggle with wanting to fix a broken connection. And that usually reflects some family dynamic and pattern you learned long ago that you may not have ever thought much about.
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Post by serenity on Jan 25, 2021 8:09:11 GMT
When you condsider that the goal of most romantic attachments is to achieve closeness, love, and connection, perhaps leading to family and raising kids in a loving and healthy environment... you really aren't to blame if your behaviour works towards that, and your partner undermines it.
Sure they may have been traumatised by attachment itself, but it was a trauma from deep in their past. It wasn't caused by you, and it is their responsibility to understand it, communicate their needs, and negotiate a relationship that is fair. Many avoidant attachers simply get triggered, hurt their partners and distance themselves, blame the partner, betray them, abandon them. Thats not okay with me on a social level. These are the people who mess up kids lives and leave single mothers struggling. Its not okay.
Your part in this is likely you have the skillset to endure lack of love, because its happened to you before. You likely love unconditionally which is a beautiful trait, nothing to be pathologised.
He only left because he felt deep attachment to you, and he was incapable of dealing with the feelings that came up for him in a way that was mature, loving, or honest.
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