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Post by wintersun on Feb 11, 2021 11:53:04 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'm feel really grateful to have found this forum and have been reading many of the threads. I wanted to write and say hello partly to just say hello but also to share a small amount of my story, as this is something I've only done with partners and therapists. I've never found a community like this before.
I have many of the traits of a DA in a relationship, but I also think I can be a bit FA. I also wonder if in the mix I might be a little disorganised.
I'm a 40 year old hetero man. Just recently I gave more attention to the memory of a few events around when I was 9/10. This was a stressful time for our family, my dad had cancer and my mum couldn't cope. She (and my dad) both have material and traumas that I don't think they've ever dealt with and I suspect these were resurfacing. The short version is that the stress got so much for my mum that on a number of occasions she left the house in an emotional state implying she wasn't going to come back and that it was our fault (me my brother and dad). I had repressed these memories, and they didn't resurface until I had therapy for anxiety and depression in my early 20s. In the last few weeks there's been a clarity and a felt sense about the panic and fear from that time. I see now that this was a shock trauma, mainly because the house I grew up in was very safe. My mum is probably an anxious and actually had smothered me a bit, so this ripping apart of reality had a huge impact on my life. I think the scene was already set for me having an insecure attachment well before these events as my mum was generally anxious and I felt overwhelmed/smothered by her needing-me-to-be-ok-for-her-to-be-ok.
I spent most of my teens and 20s regularly dissociative and confused about who I was, myself etc, having chaotic confusing entanglements with others. The only long term relationship I did have ending abruptly and throughout all of it I felt like I had a hole in me. Over the last 10 years I've very slowly started to come back into my body.
Around 5 years ago I did some work with a therapist that actually came out of a dream, this opened up a feeling of deep sadness in me that I had been completely disconnected from, but I see now had been directing a lot of my dissociative and depressive behaviour. It felt like I was in mourning. I've been processing these feelings, sitting with them, trying also not to wallow in them too much, but letting them speak. They have helped develop greater compassion and empathy.
The reason I think I might be a bit disorganised is because I seek deep deep connection with the other, almost to a fault. My last partner and I had a very conscious relationship, we were trying to speak it as it was happening and help each other shine light on what was going on, but because of some anxiousness in her, I just couldn't stay connected. In the end we had to part. I really am kicking myself as even in this 'conscious' approach to being with another, my patterns and behaviours were so strong - and at least this time around - I wasn't able to overcome them.
I've started to have more hope and be kinder to myself. Ultimately this has come through an acceptance that intimate relationships might be an area in life that I need to turn away from for a long while whilst I heal and come back into my body and continue to try and see the 'other' more clearly. There are other ways that I'm finding connection and intimacy with myself and the world - nature has been a huge solace and enlivener!
Recently I've been reading books about trauma and the body, Peter Levine etc. I do find reading some attachment material tricky as I'm often triggered by how demonic the avoidant is pictured. If anyone could recommend some measured non-judgemental/non-shaming materials I would be grateful.
As with all of us there's much more that could be said, so many stories and revelations along the way. Thanks for reading and I look forward to being a member of the community.
P.S - as an ENFP and 'dreamer' I have found it difficult finding the discipline and routines to actually going through the practical exercises and process needed for deeper healing. (some of this has been avoidance of meeting those feelings I think) Just recently I've managed to do some regular meditation to calm negative thoughts. If anyone has any advice about this, or particular exercises that they think are most useful, I would be vv grateful.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2021 14:31:06 GMT
Hi everyone, I'm feel really grateful to have found this forum and have been reading many of the threads. I wanted to write and say hello partly to just say hello but also to share a small amount of my story, as this is something I've only done with partners and therapists. I've never found a community like this before. I have many of the traits of a DA in a relationship, but I also think I can be a bit FA. I also wonder if in the mix I might be a little disorganised. I'm a 40 year old hetero man. Just recently I gave more attention to the memory of a few events around when I was 9/10. This was a stressful time for our family, my dad had cancer and my mum couldn't cope. She (and my dad) both have material and traumas that I don't think they've ever dealt with and I suspect these were resurfacing. The short version is that the stress got so much for my mum that on a number of occasions she left the house in an emotional state implying she wasn't going to come back and that it was our fault (me my brother and dad). I had repressed these memories, and they didn't resurface until I had therapy for anxiety and depression in my early 20s. In the last few weeks there's been a clarity and a felt sense about the panic and fear from that time. I see now that this was a shock trauma, mainly because the house I grew up in was very safe. My mum is probably an anxious and actually had smothered me a bit, so this ripping apart of reality had a huge impact on my life. I think the scene was already set for me having an insecure attachment well before these events as my mum was generally anxious and I felt overwhelmed/smothered by her needing-me-to-be-ok-for-her-to-be-ok. I spent most of my teens and 20s regularly dissociative and confused about who I was, myself etc, having chaotic confusing entanglements with others. The only long term relationship I did have ending abruptly and throughout all of it I felt like I had a hole in me. Over the last 10 years I've very slowly started to come back into my body. Around 5 years ago I did some work with a therapist that actually came out of a dream, this opened up a feeling of deep sadness in me that I had been completely disconnected from, but I see now had been directing a lot of my dissociative and depressive behaviour. It felt like I was in mourning. I've been processing these feelings, sitting with them, trying also not to wallow in them too much, but letting them speak. They have helped develop greater compassion and empathy. The reason I think I might be a bit disorganised is because I seek deep deep connection with the other, almost to a fault. My last partner and I had a very conscious relationship, we were trying to speak it as it was happening and help each other shine light on what was going on, but because of some anxiousness in her, I just couldn't stay connected. In the end we had to part. I really am kicking myself as even in this 'conscious' approach to being with another, my patterns and behaviours were so strong - and at least this time around - I wasn't able to overcome them. I've started to have more hope and be kinder to myself. Ultimately this has come through an acceptance that intimate relationships might be an area in life that I need to turn away from for a long while whilst I heal and come back into my body and continue to try and see the 'other' more clearly. There are other ways that I'm finding connection and intimacy with myself and the world - nature has been a huge solace and enlivener! Recently I've been reading books about trauma and the body, Peter Levine etc. I do find reading some attachment material tricky as I'm often triggered by how demonic the avoidant is pictured. If anyone could recommend some measured non-judgemental/non-shaming materials I would be grateful. As with all of us there's much more that could be said, so many stories and revelations along the way. Thanks for reading and I look forward to being a member of the community. P.S - as an ENFP and 'dreamer' I have found it difficult finding the discipline and routines to actually going through the practical exercises and process needed for deeper healing. (some of this has been avoidance of meeting those feelings I think) Just recently I've managed to do some regular meditation to calm negative thoughts. If anyone has any advice about this, or particular exercises that they think are most useful, I would be vv grateful. Welcome...I will add more later but just wanted to say hi from a fellow ENF J/P. 🙂. |
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Post by wintersun on Feb 11, 2021 16:06:31 GMT
Hello tnr9! look forward to connecting more. 🙃
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2021 16:01:02 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Feb 17, 2021 3:14:50 GMT
Hi wintersun, welcome. This board is a good resource for what you're asking about. Based on your description of being enmeshed by your anxious mother, your drive for a relationship, and your past patterns of dissociation, I suspect that you probably are more likely to have disorganized attachment than dismissive, but having anxious partners brings out the dismissive avoidant in you so you have spent more time noticing that set of patterns. Either way, it's really good on you that you're aware and want to address your attachment wounding. Thais Gibson has some very good content for both dismissive and fearful avoidants on YouTube that has greatly helped a DA friend of mine IRL. anne12 also regularly posts information in these threads about exercises to help for DA and for FA: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstylejebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumaDon't kick yourself too hard about your relationship not working out even when you were both aware and making conscious decisions to try to work through the mutual triggering. Being aware is only a part of the healing process. It's an important first step, but awareness without independent progress in confronting your own wounding will only get you so far. While it sounds like you've been in therapy and started the work (also good for you!), you're starting without the tools and coping mechanisms you need for healthy interactions so it's normal that you'd have fallen back on the insecure patterns which you know. I feel like there's an inflection point, that if you are insecure and pair with an insecure partner, if you're at the same step in your attachment healing process and it's somewhere beyond awareness though not up to earned security yet, you can make it work. But if you're both not quite there and are further out on your insecure attachment spectrums, then even with awareness you won't be able to make a relationship with an anxious/avoidant pairing work quite yet because you're both still setting each other's nervous systems off into a threat state. That doesn't mean it was useless to try, but that it's okay to accept where you were and where you are and use it to learn more about the trauma you need to address, rather than see it as a failure or frustrating or shameful. It's okay that the timing was off and that you both had incompatible needs. I'm ENFJ/P also, and earned secure from AP, so it's doable! I was able to stick with it because attachment theory and understanding my own past objectively were so nuanced and both simple yet complicated, that it engaged my desire to understand and solve complex problems enough to be very interesting! There's always more to learn in there, and it didn't get boring to me... if I was feeling restless and needed to switch topics, I could try understanding how AP develops one day, or DA another day, or learning about how different romantic pairings tend to interact in patterns (AP/DA looks different than FA/FA, for example), or recognize ways my nervous system got triggered and learn self-soothing methods another day, or learn more about what a secure attachment style looks like and how a healthier interaction with good boundaries and communication should be. So even if you feel all over the place, there's enough that is all over the place but still ties together in this subject matter that you can stay interested 😀 I feel like if you're really struggling to dig into that, it may indeed be your overwhelmed nervous system getting triggered by the material into shutting down and AVOIDING it... which is what you're currently wired to do. Maybe you can't focus, suddenly feel lethargic or tired, even dissociate -- all indicate getting triggered avoidant in order to avoid the painful memories and truths you are touching on. Maybe listening to podcasts or videos for guidance on exercises would help you stay routined and engaged? Though taking a break when you're emotionally fatigued dealing with this (but NOT using that as an excuse to shut down and avoid) is helpful. You don't need to overwhelm yourself. Other random food for thought: do you often date AP partners? You may be unconsciously attracted to and trying to recreate and subsequently fix the dynamic you had with your mom, but it's repeating over and over instead because of the patterned dynamics between AP/DA or AP/ avoidant-leaning FA. And, have you talked to any therapists about C-PTSD? That may be a part of what you're dealing with as well. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 17, 2021 3:22:01 GMT
It may also be helpful to search for former forum poster InMourning 's posts because I think you'll relate to her process. She was posting as Sherry then created a new account name as she became more and more aware of her avoidance and started earning secure.
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Post by wintersun on Feb 20, 2021 16:58:45 GMT
Hi Trn9 - I haven't, I will investigate, thank you. |
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Post by wintersun on Feb 20, 2021 17:33:49 GMT
Hi wintersun , welcome. This board is a good resource for what you're asking about. Based on your description of being enmeshed by your anxious mother, your drive for a relationship, and your past patterns of dissociation, I suspect that you probably are more likely to have disorganized attachment than dismissive, but having anxious partners brings out the dismissive avoidant in you so you have spent more time noticing that set of patterns. Either way, it's really good on you that you're aware and want to address your attachment wounding. Thais Gibson has some very good content for both dismissive and fearful avoidants on YouTube that has greatly helped a DA friend of mine IRL. anne12 also regularly posts information in these threads about exercises to help for DA and for FA: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstylejebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumaDon't kick yourself too hard about your relationship not working out even when you were both aware and making conscious decisions to try to work through the mutual triggering. Being aware is only a part of the healing process. It's an important first step, but awareness without independent progress in confronting your own wounding will only get you so far. While it sounds like you've been in therapy and started the work (also good for you!), you're starting without the tools and coping mechanisms you need for healthy interactions so it's normal that you'd have fallen back on the insecure patterns which you know. I feel like there's an inflection point, that if you are insecure and pair with an insecure partner, if you're at the same step in your attachment healing process and it's somewhere beyond awareness though not up to earned security yet, you can make it work. But if you're both not quite there and are further out on your insecure attachment spectrums, then even with awareness you won't be able to make a relationship with an anxious/avoidant pairing work quite yet because you're both still setting each other's nervous systems off into a threat state. That doesn't mean it was useless to try, but that it's okay to accept where you were and where you are and use it to learn more about the trauma you need to address, rather than see it as a failure or frustrating or shameful. It's okay that the timing was off and that you both had incompatible needs. I'm ENFJ/P also, and earned secure from AP, so it's doable! I was able to stick with it because attachment theory and understanding my own past objectively were so nuanced and both simple yet complicated, that it engaged my desire to understand and solve complex problems enough to be very interesting! There's always more to learn in there, and it didn't get boring to me... if I was feeling restless and needed to switch topics, I could try understanding how AP develops one day, or DA another day, or learning about how different romantic pairings tend to interact in patterns (AP/DA looks different than FA/FA, for example), or recognize ways my nervous system got triggered and learn self-soothing methods another day, or learn more about what a secure attachment style looks like and how a healthier interaction with good boundaries and communication should be. So even if you feel all over the place, there's enough that is all over the place but still ties together in this subject matter that you can stay interested 😀 I feel like if you're really struggling to dig into that, it may indeed be your overwhelmed nervous system getting triggered by the material into shutting down and AVOIDING it... which is what you're currently wired to do. Maybe you can't focus, suddenly feel lethargic or tired, even dissociate -- all indicate getting triggered avoidant in order to avoid the painful memories and truths you are touching on. Maybe listening to podcasts or videos for guidance on exercises would help you stay routined and engaged? Though taking a break when you're emotionally fatigued dealing with this (but NOT using that as an excuse to shut down and avoid) is helpful. You don't need to overwhelm yourself. Other random food for thought: do you often date AP partners? You may be unconsciously attracted to and trying to recreate and subsequently fix the dynamic you had with your mom, but it's repeating over and over instead because of the patterned dynamics between AP/DA or AP/ avoidant-leaning FA. And, have you talked to any therapists about C-PTSD? That may be a part of what you're dealing with as well. hi alexandra, Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and your encouragement. Reading it for the first time, I felt very seen. I think you're right about the attachment style. My relationships and entanglement with others have often been confusing and upsetting for me as well as for the other. (but for different reasons), although almost always I've had relief at ending relationships and realised that I've never fully committed myself to another - one foot out of the door. My last 2 partners were anxious, one of them very much so and looking back I see how difficult it was for her. My behaviour was pretty much full DA. I wonder , because i can be emotionally articulate and looking for a connection, that it makes it even harder for anxious partners I've been with (and actually that would be more FA right?). What changed for me was I really felt like I loved that very anxious partner, and I felt really connected to her plight after the ending played out - it also broke me open to my heart and disconnection that was happening (she was pretty hard on me - but I needed it. Calling me out and asking for me to be careful of her triggers...she was a figurative slap around the face - in a good way!) I do have a pattern of picking anxious partners, sparks can really fly. In fact my closest friends in my life have also been anxious women, and two of them suffered quite serious abuse when they were young. Part of our friendships have been exploring and helping each other with our wounding. Curiously these friendships have been completely non-sexual, and I'm very grateful for these connections. The partners I've chosen almost always have had some trauma, and often they have a bad relationship with their fathers or their fathers are absent in some way. I don't know if my mother suffered any specific trauma events as a young girl, but I do know that she had a tumultuous relationship with her father and that he didn't treat my grandmother very well. My mum has/had a lot of anger towards men and my dad who is a soft gentle man mostly - but slightly emotionally disconnected - suited her in that way. I think you're right, I'm trying to fix something with my mum through my relationships. At the same time I'm also trying to be soothed by a type of connection completely on my own terms that would be impossible for any healthily boundary-ied adult to fulfil. I had a lover for 2-3 years who I suspect was slightly avoidant (although she had a big trauma from when she was around 10 years old also), and the freedom I felt in that connection was like no other. We found a way to be in each other's company but not commit ( I see this an important step to my heart opening up because of the freedom there was) , but there were a couple of moments when I went into anxious panic when I didn't know where she was or I thought she might be with someone else. (we're talking just a couple of times over that period), and I've had other very panicky moments in similar situations over the years. all point towards an FA approach, although DA seems to be more what I lean towards mostly. Thanks for your tips on materials/podcasts etc. I'm working through some exercises in Peter Levine's book Healing Trauma and I've visited the links you suggested - so much information. Some of those exercises you wonder if anything is really happening, but my interest in psychology and philosophy has trained me to know that my mind's awareness of what is going on in my body is VERY limited, so just to trust in the process. After doing Peter Levine's tapping/'talking to parts of your body' exercise I got really really tired in such a strange way. That informed me that something was going on in my nervous system resulting from the exercise even though I had no conscious awareness of it. I'm so glad to hear you've been able to heal and be earned secure. That's a huge achievement! Are you in/seeking a relationship at the moment? I feel compelled to be on this journey as much for my own well being and so I can live and work in better alignment as I do for potential intimate relationships that I might sink into, although the relationship element actually feels secondary. I see the insecure attachment as a symptom of trauma and distress that needs healing and will help me (and those around me) beyond the pursuit of intimate others. I'm about to have a series of Somatic Experiencing sessions online to start working more deeply on connecting to what's going on underneath. C-PTSD - is that complex PTSD? Can you talk a little bit more about that and how you think I might be living with it based on what you're read? |
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Post by doctora on Feb 21, 2021 0:08:50 GMT
Hi wintersun! Besides Thais Gibson's material, which is great for all attachment styles, there is *specifically* awesome, non judgmental, non-demonizing material on www.freetoattach.com. It's by a therapist in wales who recognized that there weren't enough resources geared specifically for the avoidant partner. Good luck!!!! |
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Post by wintersun on Feb 21, 2021 8:26:30 GMT
Hi wintersun! Besides Thais Gibson's material, which is great for all attachment styles, there is *specifically* awesome, non judgmental, non-demonizing material on www.freetoattach.com. It's by a therapist in wales who recognized that there weren't enough resources geared specifically for the avoidant partner. Good luck!!!! Thanks Doctora, I will definitely check that out ! |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 21, 2021 8:31:17 GMT
Hi We often do not only have one attatchmentstyle but a mix of different attatchmentstyles. We can also cange depending on the partner we are with and what else is going on in our life We can have diffent reactions from the 4 different attatchmentstyles in the same relationship We can have 5% situationel disorganised attathcemntstyle or be more desorganised. DA can be a camuflaged desorganised attatchmentstyle. AP can be a camuflaged desorganied attatchmentstyle You can be avoidant from childhood or you can become avoidant later in life- starting out with secure attatchmentstyle or ambivalent attatchmentstyle who have reached out many times, and then suddelnly have given up. If you always meet the wrong ones - then it is possible that you proberly got some ap attatchmentstyle and maybe also some desorganised attatchment style. If you are or you have been in relationships with dramas, underdog/overdog dynamics, powerstrugles, crossed boundaries then you can be aware of some trauma/desorganised attatchment style If you almost never get into relationships then you can be aware of some dismissive avoidant attatchment style - the early one or the one developed later in life (given up state) You can check this out jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40173/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29827/jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/4-attatchment-style-decription-test%C2%A0jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - trauma, chock trauma ect. How do you like to interact with your partner/other people - 4 types of contact in relationships: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31532/Bodylanguage and speach patterns - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3040/bodylanguage-speachpatterns-4-attatchmentstylesWhy do you think that you have got complex ptsd ? |
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Post by mrob on Feb 21, 2021 19:41:57 GMT
Our experiences sound quite similar. Have a look at my earliest posts here a few years ago while I was fresh after the breakup that got me to look at this stuff. My suggestion is that if you genuinely value connection, you’re not DA. The behaviour can look the same, but with very different motivations.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 22, 2021 0:47:01 GMT
People in this forum have had good experiences with somatic experiencing therapy, so after you get into it further let us know how it goes for you. Have you read the book The Body Keeps Score? It's another recommendation around here that's related.
My personal experience was that I'd improve almost in the pattern of a step function on a graph... I'd dig into ideas and concepts and have discussions trying to communicate better with my FA now ex to better understand him and us and relate better. I'd read and listen to videos about healthy relating and try to practice some more mindfulness, while also getting involved in athletic hobbies that put me more in my body. But I'd take steps sideways, maybe stumble back, unsure if anything was helping and feeling like progress was overall flat... then I'd suddenly have a huge "epiphany" and jump up a step. My final huge step was actually getting triggered horribly anxious by my second and final breakup with that ex. I went into my usual flooded nervous system state desperate for reconnection to ease the fear of abandonment for like a week... and one day I woke up one morning and it stopped. Everything just CLICKED. My thought patterns actually changed that morning, and for good. So all that work and rewiring I was doing but wasn't sure if was working did work after I'd seriously stayed with it over a period of a couple years. My big takeaway: the process and sticking with it was very conscious and deliberate, but the actual healing was not.
My suggestion about C-PTSD is because of what you said about your deep disassociation over a long period of time. I don't actually know that much about it, mostly that it sounds like a more chronic exposure to something traumatic over time rather than one big and direct traumatic incident. It seems to occasionally come up around this forum in connection with FA attachment style, so might be worth looking into to see if you relate at all. But I don't have specific resources for it or experiences with it, it's just a hunch.
It's pretty common to relate to people who have had similar experiences, and common that if you've had trauma you'll be attracted to other people who have gone through stuff and can relate. This is a double-edged sword in romantic relationships because it means insecure attachers tend to attract each other and that can be very triggering depending on each's awareness level (as you've experienced). I call this, "like attracts like." But what it also means is as you start to confront and heal your issues and connect with yourself, that will naturally result in you connecting better with more secure people too and attracting healthier partners and vice-versa.
I am in a serious relationship, yes, interestingly enough with a partner earned secure from DA. He doesn't know anything about attachment theory, just did his own growth and healing work in his own way over time before we met. I knew he was secure and wouldn't have even guessed he used to be avoidant based on how he relates to me! My entire dating history was avoidant after avoidant ex, so at this point I recognize it when I see it lol. But it's the easiest and most open and stable relationship I've ever had. Even if we hadn't met, untangling my issues improved my quality of life and well being so much that you're right to see digging into this for yourself as the primary reason. Frankly, doing it for yourself and your own healing/improved well-being is the only motivation that will allow you to push through the difficult parts.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 22, 2021 0:56:33 GMT
I think inmourning unfortunately deleted her account and therefore may not be easy to search, though her posts are still up. But I like sharing this thread she started because I think it links to a really insightful area for all insecure attachment styles: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response |
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Post by wintersun on Feb 22, 2021 14:30:40 GMT
People in this forum have had good experiences with somatic experiencing therapy, so after you get into it further let us know how it goes for you. Have you read the book The Body Keeps Score? It's another recommendation around here that's related. My personal experience was that I'd improve almost in the pattern of a step function on a graph... I'd dig into ideas and concepts and have discussions trying to communicate better with my FA now ex to better understand him and us and relate better. I'd read and listen to videos about healthy relating and try to practice some more mindfulness, while also getting involved in athletic hobbies that put me more in my body. But I'd take steps sideways, maybe stumble back, unsure if anything was helping and feeling like progress was overall flat... then I'd suddenly have a huge "epiphany" and jump up a step. My final huge step was actually getting triggered horribly anxious by my second and final breakup with that ex. I went into my usual flooded nervous system state desperate for reconnection to ease the fear of abandonment for like a week... and one day I woke up one morning and it stopped. Everything just CLICKED. My thought patterns actually changed that morning, and for good. So all that work and rewiring I was doing but wasn't sure if was working did work after I'd seriously stayed with it over a period of a couple years. My big takeaway: the process and sticking with it was very conscious and deliberate, but the actual healing was not. My suggestion about C-PTSD is because of what you said about your deep disassociation over a long period of time. I don't actually know that much about it, mostly that it sounds like a more chronic exposure to something traumatic over time rather than one big and direct traumatic incident. It seems to occasionally come up around this forum in connection with FA attachment style, so might be worth looking into to see if you relate at all. But I don't have specific resources for it or experiences with it, it's just a hunch. It's pretty common to relate to people who have had similar experiences, and common that if you've had trauma you'll be attracted to other people who have gone through stuff and can relate. This is a double-edged sword in romantic relationships because it means insecure attachers tend to attract each other and that can be very triggering depending on each's awareness level (as you've experienced). I call this, "like attracts like." But what it also means is as you start to confront and heal your issues and connect with yourself, that will naturally result in you connecting better with more secure people too and attracting healthier partners and vice-versa. I am in a serious relationship, yes, interestingly enough with a partner earned secure from DA. He doesn't know anything about attachment theory, just did his own growth and healing work in his own way over time before we met. I knew he was secure and wouldn't have even guessed he used to be avoidant based on how he relates to me! My entire dating history was avoidant after avoidant ex, so at this point I recognize it when I see it lol. But it's the easiest and most open and stable relationship I've ever had. Even if we hadn't met, untangling my issues improved my quality of life and well being so much that you're right to see digging into this for yourself as the primary reason. Frankly, doing it for yourself and your own healing/improved well-being is the only motivation that will allow you to push through the difficult parts. Yes - I'll let you know how I get on with the SE therapy. I have read the Body Keeps The Score a few years ago and I did delve into attachment theory. Before I wasn't as embodied and was easily distracted by feel-good situations/projects that would have me back in the wilderness for a while - years sometimes! Something feels different at the moment, like this time I see it all more clearly and I see a path through. Partly because DA never felt quite like me, but now I know more about FA/disorganised it makes complete sense. Thais Gibson's profiling of FA and the variants that she proposes feels like it fits perfectly and so now I feel more committed to understanding and working it out. (the book Attached was not good for my shame triggers!) I did some reading on C-PSTD and I think it's pretty likely that throughout my late teens and 20s I could have been categorised as this. I pretty much ticked all the boxes. Subsequent therapies and attempts at healing over the years (of which there have been many..!) have brought me along a bit so that I'm probably no longer a prime candidate for it, but it still feels relevant. Thanks for the last link you sent. It also had an interesting discussion around mediation and dissociation. I'm finding it better to do meditations that keep me in my body and connected to my physicality, like yoga nidra or vispassna. Interesting to hear more about your story & process, thanks. It helps to hear. I connect very much with this idea that you do the groundwork but you have not much control over the times when your body chooses to let go of something or give your nervous system a clear. Feels like you just need to leave the door open and provide as much opportunity for it to happen in the best way you know how. anne12 thanks for those links and comments. I've already pasted some of your posts into my notes and am working through them slowly. mrob yes, I think I can safely say I'm an FA now. Thanks for the support. I'll have a read of you threads. Thank you so much for the positive responses. I feel really supported through this and it's encouraged me to share more with confidence. I really appreciate it. I'll report back as I go along. Has anyone tried Thais's Gibson's courses? I was pondering whether to give that a go at some point? |
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