dc
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Post by dc on Mar 15, 2021 23:35:58 GMT
Hi!
Like I'm sure a lot of others, I've ended up here in the quest to better understand and avoidant ex. I'm secure normally but I admit turned a little AP later in the relationship.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult in January, which helped explain why I became so anxious, all it would take was one mixed signal to spiral my thoughts out of control. Since then, I've started on medication, pretty much hyperfocused on realising my own triggers and insecurities and feel in a much better place.
It also explained why years ago, my first love became my last. My emotional reaction to sadness is extreme, I couldn't handle feeling it again so closed myself off to falling for anyone. Until of course, I met this girl.
Towards the end she told me about trauma which stopped her getting attached after I asked about her distancing. I offered her an out, but she refused and told me she wanted to work on the issues for me. It only lasted around a month before she ended things, as usual totally out of the blue to me.
Now it's been about 2 months NC, I know this isn't the "secure" thing to do, but I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I believe there's a reason she was the only person in a decade of dates and even relationships I have felt any strong feelings for and want to try reconnecting with her. Especially now that I feel I've grown quite a bit, plus being medicated keeps my crazy thoughts under control.
Has anyone ever managed it? I'd just flat out ask her to try again, but that's a little weird regardless of attachment style. Contacting an ex would have been laughable in the past so I don't know how to go about it... I realise the chances are slim, but I can either never try, and never get what I want, or try and at least have an honest shot.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Cheers!
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2021 1:20:58 GMT
Hi! Like I'm sure a lot of others, I've ended up here in the quest to better understand and avoidant ex. I'm secure normally but I admit turned a little AP later in the relationship. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult in January, which helped explain why I became so anxious, all it would take was one mixed signal to spiral my thoughts out of control. Since then, I've started on medication, pretty much hyperfocused on realising my own triggers and insecurities and feel in a much better place. It also explained why years ago, my first love became my last. My emotional reaction to sadness is extreme, I couldn't handle feeling it again so closed myself off to falling for anyone. Until of course, I met this girl. Towards the end she told me about trauma which stopped her getting attached after I asked about her distancing. I offered her an out, but she refused and told me she wanted to work on the issues for me. It only lasted around a month before she ended things, as usual totally out of the blue to me. Now it's been about 2 months NC, I know this isn't the "secure" thing to do, but I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I believe there's a reason she was the only person in a decade of dates and even relationships I have felt any strong feelings for and want to try reconnecting with her. Especially now that I feel I've grown quite a bit, plus being medicated keeps my crazy thoughts under control. Has anyone ever managed it? I'd just flat out ask her to try again, but that's a little weird regardless of attachment style. Contacting an ex would have been laughable in the past so I don't know how to go about it... I realise the chances are slim, but I can either never try, and never get what I want, or try and at least have an honest shot. Any advice would be appreciated! Cheers! Welcome to the boards. I haven’t read a situation here where only 1 person made changes and the relationship worked out. That is because, unless she is also aware and working on the things that trigger her avoidance (which are within her and not specifically tied to you) there is a high probability she will still pull away and re trigger some AP fears. Do you know if she has ever given a prior relationship a second chance? |
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dc
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Post by dc on Mar 16, 2021 8:42:45 GMT
Hi! Like I'm sure a lot of others, I've ended up here in the quest to better understand and avoidant ex. I'm secure normally but I admit turned a little AP later in the relationship. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult in January, which helped explain why I became so anxious, all it would take was one mixed signal to spiral my thoughts out of control. Since then, I've started on medication, pretty much hyperfocused on realising my own triggers and insecurities and feel in a much better place. It also explained why years ago, my first love became my last. My emotional reaction to sadness is extreme, I couldn't handle feeling it again so closed myself off to falling for anyone. Until of course, I met this girl. Towards the end she told me about trauma which stopped her getting attached after I asked about her distancing. I offered her an out, but she refused and told me she wanted to work on the issues for me. It only lasted around a month before she ended things, as usual totally out of the blue to me. Now it's been about 2 months NC, I know this isn't the "secure" thing to do, but I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I believe there's a reason she was the only person in a decade of dates and even relationships I have felt any strong feelings for and want to try reconnecting with her. Especially now that I feel I've grown quite a bit, plus being medicated keeps my crazy thoughts under control. Has anyone ever managed it? I'd just flat out ask her to try again, but that's a little weird regardless of attachment style. Contacting an ex would have been laughable in the past so I don't know how to go about it... I realise the chances are slim, but I can either never try, and never get what I want, or try and at least have an honest shot. Any advice would be appreciated! Cheers! Welcome to the boards. I haven’t read a situation here where only 1 person made changes and the relationship worked out. That is because, unless she is also aware and working on the things that trigger her avoidance (which are within her and not specifically tied to you) there is a high probability she will still pull away and re trigger some AP fears. Do you know if she has ever given a prior relationship a second chance? To be honest, I know nothing about her past relationships. Once or twice the topic came up, I would talk, she would listen then masterfully the conversation would change lol. I never took much notice at first, but I eventually begun to realise she would often avoid questions like that. I never pushed her to open up, but I figured sharing my bad experiences would help in some way? I couldn't tell you if she has been actively working on herself either but she's aware that something scares her. Shortly after saying she wanted to work on her fears we were forced into long distance due to another lockdown. I had no idea what a DA was so showered her with love and admiration which she loved, actually told me not to stop, so I didn't. Once that lockdown was ending, it was like she panicked and suddenly it was all too serious. We'd spent a lot of time together before this though, nothing was changing. I had planned on ending it myself before the fear conversation, I absolutely don't want to go back to how it was, I don't like how either of us acted. At least armed with the knowledge I have now, I can change my behaviour but I would really need the promised changes on her part too. I want a brand new relationship, with the same person. The worst part is feeling that when I had given up she had promised the world, but when it became time to deliver she ran away. I'll always wonder, could she have done it if we never hit that lockdown? If she couldn't, that's one thing, but I never got to find out. |
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Post by shiningstar on Mar 16, 2021 9:25:59 GMT
Please have a look at this thread: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2988/neurodivergence-attachment-issuesI have ADHD too, and I understand the rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) that happens when there's abandonment/rejection, perceived and/or actual. It's very similar to AP triggers and triggered states, and it's wildly chaotic and misleading. Having strong feelings for her may just be a reflection of your insecure attachment, and those are not rooted in calmness, nurture, kindness, and consistency - all of which are key for ADHDers and earning secure. Having a diagnosis so recent also suggest that you are starting a new journey of navigating yourself, at the same time you are navigating attachment issues. It is a double whammy and it is most important that you protect yourself and give yourself the time and space to process and progress. It is up to you to decide if reaching out helps you in that journey or not. To be honest, I would say not for a few reasons. First, you already say "I can change my behaviour but I would really need the promised changes on her part too." Navigating a relationship is hard enough, but doing so with an expectation/condition like this will most certainly disappoint you. The starting point of any such conversation should be - if this person does not change at all, am I ok with it? This is a generous assumption to begin with. Second, DAs work differently and more slowly/silently than APs, and having any sort of expectations around what would make the relationship work is bound to create resentment on both parties. Thirdly, as someone who is both ADHD and AP, my advice is to decide who you want to be first, then decide if this person facilitates that better version of you. You may want to say that you're happy to reconnect with her at any point and leave it as it, but I would not put any eggs in that basket. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but as an ADHDer, I'm finding that life is hard enough for me to be safe, without adding more people who confuse you further when they are supposed to be your safe space. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 16, 2021 9:34:58 GMT
The worst part is feeling that when I had given up she had promised the world, but when it became time to deliver she ran away. I'll always wonder, could she have done it if we never hit that lockdown? If she couldn't, that's one thing, but I never got to find out. Just want to add, I don't think this will be a fruitful line of thinking for you. She probably was able to say she'd give you the world during the lockdown because the distance that makes an avoidant feel more comfortable was built into the situation. Then when it was no longer there as a buffer, she ran away. If you read through other experiences on this board, it's very similar and in line with avoidant triggers and patterns. If you can focus more on yourself and what shiningstar is recommending, it will get you further than playing what if about someone who has shown you early she's inconsistent and has issues showing up. |
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dc
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Post by dc on Mar 16, 2021 13:47:22 GMT
Please have a look at this thread: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2988/neurodivergence-attachment-issuesI have ADHD too, and I understand the rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) that happens when there's abandonment/rejection, perceived and/or actual. It's very similar to AP triggers and triggered states, and it's wildly chaotic and misleading. Having strong feelings for her may just be a reflection of your insecure attachment, and those are not rooted in calmness, nurture, kindness, and consistency - all of which are key for ADHDers and earning secure. Having a diagnosis so recent also suggest that you are starting a new journey of navigating yourself, at the same time you are navigating attachment issues. It is a double whammy and it is most important that you protect yourself and give yourself the time and space to process and progress. It is up to you to decide if reaching out helps you in that journey or not. To be honest, I would say not for a few reasons. First, you already say "I can change my behaviour but I would really need the promised changes on her part too." Navigating a relationship is hard enough, but doing so with an expectation/condition like this will most certainly disappoint you. The starting point of any such conversation should be - if this person does not change at all, am I ok with it? This is a generous assumption to begin with. Second, DAs work differently and more slowly/silently than APs, and having any sort of expectations around what would make the relationship work is bound to create resentment on both parties. Thirdly, as someone who is both ADHD and AP, my advice is to decide who you want to be first, then decide if this person facilitates that better version of you. You may want to say that you're happy to reconnect with her at any point and leave it as it, but I would not put any eggs in that basket. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but as an ADHDer, I'm finding that life is hard enough for me to be safe, without adding more people who confuse you further when they are supposed to be your safe space. I had a read through your OP and yeah, that makes a lot of sense! I'll continue to look through the posts 
It's nice to have someone talk to me about RSD, I experience it quite often but trying to explain that I'll sometimes get deeply depressed at even silly comments made by close friends to someone who doesn't experience it makes me sound ridiculous. I had actually considered that maybe the feelings were something like that, some kind of trauma bond, but initially we got on great, months went past and it was only after I had developed these feelings she began to distance. She'd made no effort to see me for a month or so, so I figured she was no longer interested, I decided to rejoin Tinder and ended up going on a date with someone else. Then she wanted to see me again, I told her I would, but that I would need to see her more to which she agreed. 3 weeks later I hadn't seen her since, so planned on ending it, which is when she admitted everything and so on. So yeah, it was a chaotic relationship which triggered my RSD quite often and returning to that same relationship would be no more than self-harm. It certainly has been quite an intense few months of self-discovery.
Oh, maybe "I can change my behaviour but I would really need the promised changes on her part too" came across wrong, it's not so much going in with the expectation that she's changed. I mean more like I understood that she had a fear of being hurt and wanted to be there to help her get through it, she opened up about a core wound and wanted to change for me. I understand more now and I still want to be there for her and help her get through, even if it means taking things super slow. It's just that if she's not willing to try, then I wont be able to stay.
But you're totally right, it got to a point where my mood was becoming defined by how she acted. She acted positively my racing thoughts were happy, but negatively and the thoughts weren't and I didn't feel safe at all. As I say, I've never been in this scenario before, ever. I'm independent and normally quite uncaring but usually distance/disinterest is shown to me near the beginning, not 6 months into it as things are getting good lol. The time we spent together she didn't want to let me go home and I never wanted to either, it really was a deep connection. I just want that, she said she wanted that too, it's mind boggling why it has to be difficult.
I should add too, that I hadn't originally intended on reaching out. Last week I had an epiphany of sorts where I realised the same heartbreak which turned my emotions off for so long was the same one to trigger me to fear abandonment when I eventually did feel them. I realised too, that I'm pretty DA with some non-romantic relationships and put the two together. My uncontrolled emotions vs how I would have felt in that avoidant mindset, it was terrifiying lol. That realisation is what makes me think there's a chance of doing better a second time around, cause I can empathise a lot better.
alexandra I agree with you here, that lack of a buffer most likely meant she had to deal with the reality of everything all at once. The only thing is, she "promised the world" when there was no lockdown, but as Christmas was coming up we planned several dates for afterwards. Instead, the lockdown was put in place after Christmas with almost no warning. But yeah, she has already demonstrated she is inconsistent, you're right here too. Most of my family have decided to live life alone and tbh it doesn't sound too bad. If I ever fancy a quick high with outrageous depression, withdrawals and obsession afterwards I can always take up heroin lol. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 17, 2021 3:27:20 GMT
. If I ever fancy a quick high with outrageous depression, withdrawals and obsession afterwards I can always take up heroin lol.
That is actually what the guy I last dated did before we started dating. He developed Mensa while in CA and was on perscription medication that turned into him using heroin. He even ODed one time and his mom found him. He also has ADHD and really struggled with it.
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Post by bluehour on May 13, 2021 13:57:27 GMT
Hello, OP. DA here.
It's generally not a good idea to reach out to a DA that broke up with you. You say its been 2 months. If she is going to reach out to you, it will be soon. The only time its a good idea to possibly reach out is if the DA is leaving signs that they're curious about you again (this usually comes in the form of indirect interactions like with your social media or something like that).
However, your affair was only 1 month long and sounds to be mostly not in person. I think the chances that she will reach out is slim. I also question her motive why she'd reach out again. Is it just for attention or is it because she actually is interested in you? Usually, DAs who are invested in someone that early on will not dump you and then leave you NC for that long. If they leave you that early on, its generally for a brief period of time (think, 1 week) because they become aware they're developing feelings and that scares them.
But everyone is different so this is not gospel for all DAs.
I dunno, she seems sketch. I'd leave it be. BUT, absolutely follow your heart. If you really feel you want to, you should do it.
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dc
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Post by dc on Jun 8, 2021 12:05:49 GMT
Hello, OP. DA here. It's generally not a good idea to reach out to a DA that broke up with you. You say its been 2 months. If she is going to reach out to you, it will be soon. The only time its a good idea to possibly reach out is if the DA is leaving signs that they're curious about you again (this usually comes in the form of indirect interactions like with your social media or something like that). However, your affair was only 1 month long and sounds to be mostly not in person. I think the chances that she will reach out is slim. I also question her motive why she'd reach out again. Is it just for attention or is it because she actually is interested in you? Usually, DAs who are invested in someone that early on will not dump you and then leave you NC for that long. If they leave you that early on, its generally for a brief period of time (think, 1 week) because they become aware they're developing feelings and that scares them. But everyone is different so this is not gospel for all DAs. I dunno, she seems sketch. I'd leave it be. BUT, absolutely follow your heart. If you really feel you want to, you should do it. I just came across this again lol. This was over 9 months or so. The 1 month part was referencing a month from when she admitted being scared of attachment until she ended it, but yeah mostly not in person. I couldn't get it out my head, but eventually I realised she was more FA. At times I swore she was in love with me then others she didn't want to know me, I was focused on the latter without really thinking about the former. She never did reach out, but I did after 4 months to ask what happened. Things went well until I asked if she'd see me in person, then she vanished. I had started a new ADHD medication and everything seemed so clear compared to the anxious person I was when I wrote this even though I didn't realise at the time. A lot of memories of how things really happened came back so I knew I had to clear things up in order to move on, but I also had to know if she'd try again. She seemed terrified, like she really was trying her hardest at the time but had reverted back to normal. I still love her, I'm glad I reached out to get my answers but even if she did/does like me as much as she claimed, it still doesn't matter if that's what she's afraid of. I realised the reason I fell for her so hard was because I have a thing for nice people and she's totally selfless, like I've never known anyone even close. She's a beautiful soul and deserves the world so I really hope she continues working on herself so one day she can have the connection she wants whether or not it's with me. |
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Post by krolle on Jun 28, 2021 13:50:32 GMT
Hello, OP. DA here. It's generally not a good idea to reach out to a DA that broke up with you. You say its been 2 months. If she is going to reach out to you, it will be soon. The only time its a good idea to possibly reach out is if the DA is leaving signs that they're curious about you again (this usually comes in the form of indirect interactions like with your social media or something like that). However, your affair was only 1 month long and sounds to be mostly not in person. I think the chances that she will reach out is slim. I also question her motive why she'd reach out again. Is it just for attention or is it because she actually is interested in you? Usually, DAs who are invested in someone that early on will not dump you and then leave you NC for that long. If they leave you that early on, its generally for a brief period of time (think, 1 week) because they become aware they're developing feelings and that scares them. But everyone is different so this is not gospel for all DAs. I dunno, she seems sketch. I'd leave it be. BUT, absolutely follow your heart. If you really feel you want to, you should do it. I just came across this again lol. This was over 9 months or so. The 1 month part was referencing a month from when she admitted being scared of attachment until she ended it, but yeah mostly not in person. I couldn't get it out my head, but eventually I realised she was more FA. At times I swore she was in love with me then others she didn't want to know me, I was focused on the latter without really thinking about the former. She never did reach out, but I did after 4 months to ask what happened. Things went well until I asked if she'd see me in person, then she vanished. I had started a new ADHD medication and everything seemed so clear compared to the anxious person I was when I wrote this even though I didn't realise at the time. A lot of memories of how things really happened came back so I knew I had to clear things up in order to move on, but I also had to know if she'd try again. She seemed terrified, like she really was trying her hardest at the time but had reverted back to normal. I still love her, I'm glad I reached out to get my answers but even if she did/does like me as much as she claimed, it still doesn't matter if that's what she's afraid of. I realised the reason I fell for her so hard was because I have a thing for nice people and she's totally selfless, like I've never known anyone even close. She's a beautiful soul and deserves the world so I really hope she continues working on herself so one day she can have the connection she wants whether or not it's with me. Yeah Likely FA I'd say. I'm FA too. But i'v also dated FA's in the past and know how frustrating we can be. I also empathize with your desire to understand the situation. A lot of people here on the forum and IRL say it's never a good idea to reach out or respond when an FA/DA reaches out to you or you to them after a break up, or even not to dwell on that person at all. And I understand why they would say that, in most cases I'd agree, best practice. But I only think it's often a bad idea in the context that you are reaching out if your motives are driven by wanting to get back together instinctively without insight. You also have to be at the point where your able to say "if they don't even respond to me, I'm ok with it". I reached out to a former FA ex a while ago when I was at the point where I no longer felt any pain over losing her. But I did still feel pain about the CONFUSION of what happened between us. This was before I knew what attachment styles were. Without the knowledge of it, modern dating can be so frustrating. It was a similar situation to what you described. Really wonderful connection for about 6 months. Then suddenly we spend a few too many days together one week , things got real, and she was gone. Completely disinterested in talking to me. It was only after several months of NC that my feelings for her diminished and curiosity took over and I was able to get just enough responses from her to work things out. That's one of several events that eventually led me to attachment styles. And irrelevant of anything to do with her or out situationship allowed me to learn a good amount. But yes, lots of caveats to being in the right situation where reaching out is productive. You can easily lie to yourself and say you're reaching out to "help her" or "check in". when you're really lying to yourself and hoping for a way in to reconnect. By reading your posts I'd say you demonstrate at least some secure behaviours in my opinion. which is a good sign. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Jun 28, 2021 23:14:03 GMT
Its totally pointless to reach out to a DA/FA. Like my avoidant ex said to me once, once they see a flaw in you, they will never view you the same again. Which is normal for humans. However what's abnormal for avoidants is that they will hyperfocus on that flaw and never ever let go of that no matter how much you change. And avoidants are experts at latching onto flaws, its not a conscious action. More like riding a bike. They will latch onto ANY flaws so self soothe their internal narrative that everyone is unreliable and is out to hurt them - so they push everyone away including their own blood family.
Anyway, you probably already know that. What I'm trying to say is that once avoidants checked out, its like the Voyager II probe. Its gone out into interstellar space and never returning to Earth. You might be still able to communicate with the probe, it will never come back again.
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Post by blacksnow2 on Jun 29, 2021 2:52:05 GMT
^nah, I'm an FA but I get better and better at seeing people as a whole rather than as 'all good' some days and 'all bad' other days.
Also, pushing blood family away is many times severely needed. They're the reason most of us are like this, quit lying.
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Post by dullboat123 on Jun 29, 2021 3:15:05 GMT
^nah, I'm an FA but I get better and better at seeing people as a whole rather than as 'all good' some days and 'all bad' other days. Also, pushing blood family away is many times severely needed. They're the reason most of us are like this, quit lying. That is because you're self aware. For avoidants that aren't, there's no hope. Nope not lying. I saw it with my ex. Yes she cut off her drug-dealing, severely abusive biological father which caused her most of her avoidance. However her mother and sister were on relatively good terms with her but they fell out because my ex just could not see past and forgive over the smallest, trivial issues like over a f**king tattoo. |
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Post by blacksnow2 on Jun 29, 2021 3:20:20 GMT
^nah, I'm an FA but I get better and better at seeing people as a whole rather than as 'all good' some days and 'all bad' other days. Also, pushing blood family away is many times severely needed. They're the reason most of us are like this, quit lying. That is because you're self aware. For avoidants that aren't, there's no hope. Nope not lying. I saw it with my ex. Yes she cut off her drug-dealing, severely abusive biological father which caused her most of her avoidance. However her mother and sister were on relatively good terms with her but they fell out because my ex just could not see past and forgive over the smallest, trivial issues like over a f**king tattoo. For her father's abuse to thrive, the entire family unit had to play a role, even if he did the main work.
You don't understand: dysfunction is systemic. It doesn't just come from one person. My mom is a super enabler and I had/still have anger towards her because she put me in harms way repeatedly.
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Post by introvert on Jun 29, 2021 3:35:56 GMT
That is because you're self aware. For avoidants that aren't, there's no hope. Nope not lying. I saw it with my ex. Yes she cut off her drug-dealing, severely abusive biological father which caused her most of her avoidance. However her mother and sister were on relatively good terms with her but they fell out because my ex just could not see past and forgive over the smallest, trivial issues like over a f**king tattoo. For her father's abuse to thrive, the entire family unit had to play a role, even if he did the main work.
You don't understand: dysfunction is systemic. It doesn't just come from one person. My mom is a super enabler and I had/still have anger towards her because she put me in harms way repeatedly.
It's so silly to blame one person in a family, it's truly a dynamic. So it's possible that a person is the scapegoat in a family, and then they end up with a "victim" partner who shows patterns of victimization, who is willing to scapegoat them and thus perpetuate part of their family dynamic. An AP will stay in victim mode longer than most, especially if tending toward the angry type. This type tends to generalize and try to turn others against the ex they are bitter about, complaining and vilifying as much as they can. Thankfully my anxious leaving boyfriend isn't in perpetual victim mode about his whole relationship history, or we wouldn't have a chance bit because I'm avoidant but because of the lack of self awareness that exists in that mindset. Anyway, wanted to jump in and support the comment about the need for people trying to work through their trauma, to separate from the family of origin. Toxic family dynamics are extremely destructive and sometimes acceptance and walking away is the best way to heal. My siblings all have issues with substance abuse and lots of denial, anger, and disempowerment. I'm not totally estranged but have very limited contact because they are still sick and need me to be sick and to play the old roles. It's so painful and damaging. Peace from afar is where I have found my health. |
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