Me (recovering FA) with another FA

If I were in that same situation now, I would have probably either taken a day off from the dating and done something on my own, or simply not gotten into an intense courtship like that in the first place.
My relationships since my therapy has started are similar, but I seem to cycle through the stages much faster and I recognize my behaviors better. I still have the fear of abandonment activated by the relationships, but I am able to come back from it faster, is the difference now. My goal in my therapy is to control my fear of abandonment (which I absolutely have zero at the moment, but only if I’m not in a romantic relationship of any sort).

Thankyou for elaborating annie.

I think I understand. You tried to be whatever you think the person wants you to be in order to avoid abandonment. That makes sense. Though obviously not the best long term strategy when thought about with a clear mind.

I'm actually very familiar with that. Not from the perspective of doing it myself usually nowadays. But from being on the receiving end of it several times. It's a very common BPD strategy to invent a persona to get "love"/ avoid abandonment, though I imagine it's common in run of the mill insecurity too, and likely looks a little different.
But either way it's not sustainable in an Ltr. And then you're a year or 2 into it and this whole other person emerges who isn't anything like the person you fell in love with, you feel somewhat duped.
It's a short term solution which has short term benefits which come back to haunt you down the line. Not unlike the avoidance of a chemical addiction I guess.

Similarly with people pleasing and being a social chameleon. I used to think those were really quiet admirable qualities. Sort of noble almost. But now I realize that you're actually doing both yourself and the other person a favour by being the real you, even if it results in "healthy" conflict. They know what they're getting. I mean I understand many people put their best foot forward during the honeymoon phase. But I think it's still important to be mostly you.

Not hide your opinions if they differ from theirs etc.

My own people pleasing mostly comes as a fawning response these days. The women I tend to date become incredibly hostile and dangerous in perceived conflicts. The risk of physical, emotional, financial, reputation damage are not worth being the "real me" sometimes in those situations. But I will admit I sometimes revert back to it in order to avoid general conflict.

But in interactions with emotionally healthy people I feel relatively comfortable revealing 'mostly' me.

In the situation you mentioned about going to see your lover in Stockholm. Perhaps the best strategy if you were more secure would have just to have been regular you, and see if he liked it. But I understand that's a LOT easier said than done. Especially when feeling anxious. And especially when your very attracted to that person.

krolle regarding the Swedish man, I think he probably would have liked me as the real me to a degree. Looking back the dynamic was me being FA and him being AP. I cycled through a few AP episodes of my own with him and then eventually became more and more avoidant as he became more and more AP and I eventually broke it off.

But as far as relationships go this one I have the most fond memories. We treated each other really well under the circumstances.

I think if you keep choosing the violent woman, it’s worth looking at your parents relationship and the blueprint it gave you. If you ever get into regular talk therapy the parents get analyzed quite a bit and it’s a very rewarding journey to explore that blueprint.

My mother was a people pleaser AP and my father was an FA, my mother was an alchoholic, when she wasn’t her charming persona and my father was a wife beater, when in private and a charmer in public. I’ve modeled all my relationships and perception based on their relationship as much as I’ve consciously tried to avoid it my entire life.
I looked at symptoms of their behavior, and not the cause. When I understood me I understood them.

In addendum. The saddest thing is that I always thought that I was available and I was far from it. So I lived in this delusion for the better part of my twenties and thirties, when one would make a connection and potentially a family. Of course as a career person one gets to experience other perks and all those are very nice indeed, but it’s a lot of alone time, and humans are not designed that way. Is all.