Communicating without blame

I'm going to try a stab here at some things to consider. It will be long but I'll attempt to establish a framework for how to divvy up the dynamic so you can think through your side, his side, and the relationship (how both sides combine), which hopefully gives you some ideas for how to deal with this without overfunctioning and taking on more than your share of the responsibility.

I do think you're right that this is a dynamics problem created on both sides. Which doesn't necessarily make it toxic if you're both in earnest open to learning how to hear each other and committed to figuring out how to work through it (even if it involves bigger picture introspecting and probably some change).

I agree that (on the basis of you describing yourself as DA), you're probably holding your needs in without expressing yourself for too long and then when it all comes out at once it can sound surprising and you're already far into an aroused state about whatever issue because it's been stewing for so long. It's a good observation on your part. So that would mean that on your side, the issue has already escalated and will be much more difficult to fix because your partner still has to catch up. In the case of AP or FA, most criticism is very triggering and will create defensiveness to protect the self (which gets layered on top of "catching up") rather than neutral and open-minded problem-solving. Which I believe explains why you fight and then he eventually comes around once his nervous system calms down.

Getting triggered in response to you bringing up an issue is his problem, not yours, and happens for two reasons (neither of which are your fault): 1. Anxious triggering is a flooded nervous system response to a fear of abandonment. No matter what the actual issue is at hand, that fear is generally the underlying problem at the core of it all. In this case, you may be telling him you're not happy with this aspect of your sex life because you want to fix it, but he's probably hearing you say if he can't do a better job then you could leave him. Again, how he hears you isn't your fault if you're just bringing up a problem and not threatening to leave every time you have a disagreement, which I'm sure you're not. But it's very possible someone important earlier in his life DID handle issues that way, which is why he overreacts in fear and also why he's incorrectly learned that can be an appropriate go-to response to fighting (I believe in past posts you said he's threatened to break up before). If I'm right about this happening, he's probably not consciously aware of it and hasn't made the connection yet. So my guess is he doesn't realize he's projecting onto you instead of sticking to the problem at hand when he does this.

2. AP/FA don't trust themselves. They depend on external validation to feel whole and get emotional regulation. Again, this is his problem not yours, but it's the other attachment-related reason he gets triggered by criticism. AP only trust others not themselves, FA don't trust others or themselves but when leaning anxious and triggered that way will still trust others more than themselves in that moment and desperately seek reconnection. Both types learned from inconsistent or scary caretakers earlier in life that others > self, and like DA they both internalized that they deserve not getting their needs met. But unlike DA, they don't get constant neglect. They get intermittent reinforcement of needs met sometimes. So instead of deciding to rely on themselves they learned to respond with, "I can influence the other person if I find the magic formula and control them to get my needs met." In summary, to overcome this mindset and depersonalize conflict so it doesn't feel to them that they'll lose connection with someone which will cause them to feel they'll get abandoned and die, they need to learn how to build self-esteem, self-acceptance, and trust themselves and that they'll be okay even if there's an argument (or a breakup). Which makes it his issue, not yours.

So for those two reasons, in your approach you can be calm and sensitive in bringing up issues so problems seem less scary and like you're leaving, and you can even say something like "I'm here and not going anywhere" (which should quiet the abandonment fear) "but I also want us to work together to address my valid needs, because I miss you." But you don't want to be doing so much bending over to accommodate those two drivers of anxious triggering because those are the anxious partner's projection and issues that you aren't responsible for. There still needs to be a boundary or you're getting co-dependent trying to regulate them.

Coming back to your side, I'm not avoidant but there's been plenty of other threads on this board discussing avoidants feeling triggered but not necessarily realizing it. That's often described as low energy, tired, sluggish, maybe numbness or some depression, wanting to be alone but due to feeling disconnected from themselves. And eventually realizing something was wrong (which may be life stress and totally unrelated to a relationship), and the avoidant attachment style kicked in with the nervous system shutting down in self-protection to ignore the problem causing it. So let's say this is happening to you and it has zero to do with your romantic relationship. We're still in a very stressful pandemic, and I don't know anything else about your life. But are there other factors draining you, and do you not have good coping mechanisms for that stress so you're detaching from those around you and conserving energy? Or maybe the communication and intimacy issues with him are a problem on top of that and not just a projection of unrelated stress? Just something to think about when you're sorting out how much of the distance between you you're feeling is coming from unrelated aspects in your life and how much is coming from real relationship stressors.

The last point I'll bring up on this already way too many words response is sex can be tricky for insecure attachers in general. It's not even a gendered thing. Anxious leaning attachers may unconsciously use sex to reaffirm to themselves that their partners want them --> their partner is still connected and attached and isn't thinking about leaving them. So sex temporarily quiets anxiety and fear (only temporarily because the real issue is still insecurity within themselves that the partner can't fix), and that may be why it's so important to him... but if he's FA and ALSO fears engulfment then quickies may allow him not to feel overwhelmed by the closeness and shut down or distance avoidantly. Again, if my theory is right, he probably won't be consciously aware of that. But that may be why it seems like he's not listening to you and is in fact pushing more and more quickies when you fight. Because avoidants who are trying to retain some unconscious distance in a long-term relationship also tend to lose interest in sex over time without understanding why (also not conscious, but it can be a common disconnection for DA or an FA leaning avoidant, and if that's happening for you and has even happened for you before with other partners it's on your side to work on), and that can push someone feeling anxious to push harder and harder for sex as reassurance that the relationship isn't deteriorating. Which, of course, makes the other person feel unheard and resentful and pushes them further away... eventually that's a bad boundary dynamic that can become toxic if left unaddressed by both partners.

I'm hoping some of this helps sort out or define which aspects of the dynamics are whose responsibility to address and deal with (the "you" problems that are your issues to deal with, the "him" problems that are on him to deal with and not your responsibility, and the "you together" problems in the dynamic to communicate and problem-solve together with respect). A lot of this is about learning and practicing healthy boundaries and communication at the core, but that goes together with potentially doing individual work to have a healthy sense of self and mutual comfort in feeling secure enough to be either independent or interdependent. It's not as deceptively simple as your sex drives aren't lining up and that's a sensitive topic in our society, but the other good news is you already knew that which is why you are looking for answers.

I think it's good that you're trying to objectively recognize and take ownership for habits or defense mechanisms you may have that are not productive for the kind of romantic relationship you want. It's difficult for all three insecure attachment styles to be vulnerable, authentic, and straightforward without practice (which helps recondition the nervous system). My suggestion of where to start if you're DA is, there were probably times in your life that you tried to speak up and it never helped because the people you were speaking to couldn't receive whatever you were saying. Maybe they ignored it, maybe they didn't give you the chance to express yourself in the first place, maybe they reacted with anger or passive aggressive disapproval... but you learned speaking up didn't get you what you needed so why continue to put yourself out there trying if it just hurt every time without accomplishing anything? Especially if you were a kid going through that, it's easier to disconnect from your needs or assume you need to fill them all yourself rather than risking more pain and rejection every time. So you may stop speaking up honestly, or if you do speak up you don't tell the whole truth about your needs, as maybe it's less painful that way because your needs can't be fully rejected if they aren't shared so there's less risk-- and then that becomes your norm and your muscles for minimizing your needs get flexed while being vulnerable and feeling connected to yourself and the other person falls out of practice.

That all being said, I again don't think it's fair for you to take on all the blame here. Yes, you know you have some stuff to work on and you're figuring out what that is, which is GREAT! But if your partner has an insecure attachment style too, he is very likely to still get defensive about issues no matter how you express yourself until he too does the level of introspecting about himself and healthy problem-solving and communication that you're currently doing. So you two need to be able to navigate this and grow together, you can't shift the needle and dynamic entirely by changing yourself. Though any changes you make may give him the space and inspiration to respond accordingly and hopefully your conversations will get less mutually triggering in turn.

Sometimes if people threaten to break up without meaning it, it's called a protest behavior. This basically means they're indirectly hoping you'll show you won't abandon them by chasing them back, reassuring you want them, and soothing their fears. It's a show of pushing you away in hopes it'll do the opposite and force a reconnection. This probably was learned earlier in life, when the only way to get some family member's attention was acting out or acting angry. It's a very dysfunctional tactic, and rewarding it creates a co-dependent dynamic, which you don't want. So it's good that you laid out a boundary, that his go to for a fight can't be to threaten breaking up as it erodes your trust and relationship foundation.

You can look up "protest behaviors" and learn some more. But you should also be talking to your boyfriend about this. You're clearly doing your half of the work, is he also doing his? If you find a list of protest behaviors, for example, can you go through together (at a neutral time, not when either of you is already triggered), and identify which seem familiar that either one of you does? Then you can add something to the rules about maybe calling out if it happens during a disagreement and having a time out at that point to calm down. I'm not sure if that's the best idea, since I'm not a therapist, but asking us to read his mind so you can anticipate him won't be as useful as him being as actively engaged in working on himself and the relationship as you are.

@introvert, that makes sense. You should poke around the support boards here for AP and FA and skim through some of those posts and responses to get a start. I'd also recommend looking up Thais Gibson's videos on YouTube on anxious attachment.

I am an AP leaning FA so I can help with questions you may have.  

well, you are introverted and he is extroverted
The sensitivity to loud noices and many people can be a hsp trait - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39781/ - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39808/ (maybe you already know this ?)
You are parasympathetic leaning, he is sympathetic leaning (also when having sex)
His a night owl you are a morning person or ?
He is half death and you are overly sensitive to sounds....

Opposite attracts